Greetings, I am 30 years old. Literally since I was 13 years old, I started watching erotic video tapes. After a few months, I got a computer and started watching porn. At the same time I was playing computer games and gambling from that age. As you understand, my whole life began to take shape "virtually". I had no emotional connection to girls, socially I didn't meet anyone, but just kept masturbating regularly to porn and playing computer/gambling. My grades at school started to drop drastically, I got sociophobic and tried to avoid school because I felt very insecure (not understanding what the problem was at the time). I spent 90% of my time at the computer. When I went to university, my life was not like regular students. I played at the casino every day and jerked off to porn all the time. Already at the age of 16-18 I was watching porn with violent scenes, which are immoral for normal people, but I was most turned on by it. Classic videos of regular sex - gave my dick almost no erection. Already in my 1st or 2nd semester, I was doing very poorly in my studies and left the institute for 1 year. All that time I was gambling a lot at the casino and jerking off. I started to have gambling problems, I was in a web of addiction daily and endlessly, being alone with myself. No, I had companions and friends, but most of my time was devoted to my "passions. When I was 25 or 26 years old, I first started watching very strange porn that didn't match my orientation and it gave me a shock because I got turned on by it. I did it for a while and felt a lot of resentment toward myself for my horrible actions. Then I started satisfying myself through my prostate. At one point, I just started sobbing and realized that I was hopeless, completely isolated from normal life. I also had a gambling problem, I was betting really big and NEVER being able to stop, ever. In real life and since I was a teenager, I always liked girls and never had an attraction to the male sex, it was repulsive to me, while at the same time, I monstrously blamed myself for masturbating to extreme types of porn. I couldn't understand then why I always had a neutral attitude towards real girls unlike other guys my age, I was stupid and didn't understand anything... For over a year now, I haven't watched hardcore porn, except for porn with girls. Now, I haven't been in gambling for over a year now, but porn has been with me the whole time. About a year ago, I started exercising, quit smoking, minimized alcohol, but I didn't understand why I want girls but I don't have an erection. For more than 10 years I have social anxiety, I avoid people. Outwardly I am a good-looking, tall man, but inside society I am very uptight, uptight and always did not understand what was going on with me. I never visited a psychiatrist because I didn't create any danger for people. I took many psychological tests and didn't see any personality disorder there, other than an exaggerated anxiety about anything. I'm 30 years old now and I really want to live a full life, I'm tired of fooling myself and giving in to the temptation to live virtually. I haven't had morning erections in over 10 years, I have them about once a month. Now, for about 2 weeks I don't watch any porn or masturbate. I have the intention to get rid of it once and for all and have a happy life. Any feedback would be appreciated...
Addiction as a way of life
- Thread starter Gambler
- Start date
I can relate to your story. 30, lived my whole life in front of a screen, isolated, addicted to all kinds of porn and alcohol. Never thought it could do so much damage, but lately I can't even get hard for porn so it's a wake up call that something has to change. Keep going bro we can do this
Thanks!!!
Friends, I often read the threads and most in the first weeks of giving up porn - there is a wild desire to do it and an erection high. In my case, I had no desire or erections for those weeks. I'm like a vegetable, I have no desire at all, my dick is completely dead. And I don't have any strong urges to watch porn at night, because there is no desire. My sexuality is completely lost?
p.s I sleep eight hours regularly, eat regularly, work out. Sometimes it seems like I'm so brainwashed by porn that my reproductive instinct has disappeared as a given and the firmware has switched to a lack of sexuality.
I remember with joy the times when I could just walk up to a girl in a store and I could feel her in my gut. I got very excited without even touching her. I think that's what a healthy man with good sexuality is. Today, I just walk by, or if I talk to a girl, I don't feel anything. I worry that my reproduction is off, the brain is spoiled.
p.s I sleep eight hours regularly, eat regularly, work out. Sometimes it seems like I'm so brainwashed by porn that my reproductive instinct has disappeared as a given and the firmware has switched to a lack of sexuality.
I remember with joy the times when I could just walk up to a girl in a store and I could feel her in my gut. I got very excited without even touching her. I think that's what a healthy man with good sexuality is. Today, I just walk by, or if I talk to a girl, I don't feel anything. I worry that my reproduction is off, the brain is spoiled.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Hey man, what you're experiencing is not uncommon and is referred to as the "flatline". You can read some more about it