24 days in and emotionally distraught

[reboot_8716]

New to this forum, was on reddit for a while but found some of it to be more trouble than its worth.

I (30m) have been a heavy user of pornography for several years (Since I was a teenager), and for a long time never really thought it was a problem. I struggled with performance anxiety as a young teen, but did manage to overcome it for a number of years in college and was pretty regularly sexually active with my then girlfriend. I used porn but not excessively at the time.

As I got older and settled down into marriage I found porn increasingly as a way to bury any relationship struggles that I had. Particularly as intimacy moved away from the honeymoon phase I found myself having a lot of pent up sexual frustrations which I took out by using pornography, instead of communicating with my wife. Well now my performance anxiety has come back worse than ever before, along with premature ejaculation as well. I can very rarely get it up and sustain an erection, and in the times that I do I often cum within 30 seconds or less. Even if my wife is just giving me a hand job, I can't last more than that. I believe it's because I got into a habit of frequently rubbing one out as fast as I could, and trained my brain to respond to sexual stimulation by rushing to ejaculation.

I've tried ED meds and they've worked sometimes, but I find now that I am so anxious I can't get out of my head during sex and even with them, the same problem happens. We tried penetrative sex last week (And I took a cialis) and I was hard, then got soft, and then when she started trying to get me hard again I basically came at the same time my erection returned, before being able to enter her. It's incredibly frustrating because I think back to when I was in my early 20s and I could not only easily get an erection, but I could pretty much go as long as I wanted. I'd regularly have sex that lasted more like 15-20 minutes, going through multiple positions and never even thinking about it, it just all worked. Now Im an anxious wreck, I can't even do missionary, and even if I try solo masturbation, I have to either keep up rigorous stimulation to stay hard (in which case I'll also cum super quick), or I lose it.

I'm 17 days now without any porn and I have zero desire to look at it, but I also feel like I'm experiencing the flatline. I haven't completely quit sexual stimulation, but my libido isn't very high either. I've tried mindful masturbation a couple of times, forcing myself to not rush the process, and have done the same with my wife. But I'm getting zero morning erections, and even if I feel aroused my dick is completely soft.

I'm hoping this starts to improve, but I know that no matter how bad this gets porn can't be the answer, so i'm not looking back to that.

 

[Blondie]

Can we all say it together? Fuck porn!

You got this man. Fuck that shit and all the nonsense it brings into our lives.

 

[Fappy]

17 days is a great effort, but still a little early to be seeing the results you desire. but as long as you stick with it, the healthy functioning of your COCK will return, there isnt any "if" about it, youll recover if you let it take its course. your symptoms are all perfectly normal for someone as far into the reboot as you are, so dont stress about that. keep pushing forward as you are, and soon youll be able to unleah your penile wrath on your wife. garunteed.

 

[reboot_8716]

17 days is a great effort, but still a little early to be seeing the results you desire. but as long as you stick with it, the healthy functioning of your COCK will return, there isnt any "if" about it, youll recover if you let it take its course. your symptoms are all perfectly normal for someone as far into the reboot as you are, so dont stress about that. keep pushing forward as you are, and soon youll be able to unleah your penile wrath on your wife. garunteed.

Thanks man, appreciate the support. I’m trying not to think about it too much because I know you can’t rush the process. It also makes sense why viagra didn’t do anything, because it’s still primarily a mental issue and my performance anxiety hasn’t gone away yet.

 

[Tryinghere]

Yeah man, you'll get there. 17 days is a great start but it's the very beginning. You WILL get better. It just takes time. The fact that you have a wife with you will help you get back to it a lot. There are tough times ahead for sure. But stay open and honest with her and keep going. It will definitely get better

 

[reboot_8716]

Yeah man, you'll get there. 17 days is a great start but it's the very beginning. You WILL get better. It just takes time. The fact that you have a wife with you will help you get back to it a lot. There are tough times ahead for sure. But stay open and honest with her and keep going. It will definitely get better

Totally, I feel like I’ve barely begun this journey and only at the point where my brain recognizes something is wrong. I find I get anxious the longer we go without penetrative sex (which has been months at this point) which then makes me want to try and rush it but that’s probably not helping and maybe taking a step back and recognizing a longer break is what I need

 

[Tryinghere]

Totally, I feel like I’ve barely begun this journey and only at the point where my brain recognizes something is wrong. I find I get anxious the longer we go without penetrative sex (which has been months at this point) which then makes me want to try and rush it but that’s probably not helping and maybe taking a step back and recognizing a longer break is what I need

I feel it dude. It's the worst. Especially when your spouse is let down. I was/am in the same boat. After about a month into my reboot, we were able to have penetrative sex a few times. I remember writing in my journal that I was cured and thought it was over. The next 3 times we tried I failed to get an erection. I was devastated. But, last weekend we were able to. It was not great, but better than it's been for us in months. The best part is that I came twice and didn't get sent into flatline.

After 120some odd days, I can say that things do get better from where I was at on day 17. Have you talked about rewiring with your spouse yet? Is she away of your situation?

 

[reboot_8716]

I feel it dude. It's the worst. Especially when your spouse is let down. I was/am in the same boat. After about a month into my reboot, we were able to have penetrative sex a few times. I remember writing in my journal that I was cured and thought it was over. The next 3 times we tried I failed to get an erection. I was devastated. But, last weekend we were able to. It was not great, but better than it's been for us in months. The best part is that I came twice and didn't get sent into flatline.

After 120some odd days, I can say that things do get better from where I was at on day 17. Have you talked about rewiring with your spouse yet? Is she away of your situation?

She’s aware that my porn use has bothered me yes, I think she doesn’t fully appreciate the challenge and thinks that I am also putting too much stress on myself to perform which contributes to the problem. She’s probably right. My wife has a relatively low sex drive which on the one hand leads to a less pushy and more supportive partner on this subject but on the other can lead me to feel more insecure because I sometimes wonder if she’s just not satisfied and would want sex more if I was “better” at it with her. But she assures me that’s not the case so I need to take her at her word. I think there’s just been so much negative energy put into sex that it’s been strained between us over time. For a long time I was chasing increasingly kinky experienced as what I thought I was missing in my life and we did a lot of them together - femdom, pegging, bondage, even chastity play. But she was never super into it, only for me, so the fact that I kept wanting more exhausted her in the long run and now all I want is regular vanilla sex with us again, but it’s incredibly awkward and uncomfortable at this point when we try. 95% of our sex life at this point is hand jobs.

 

[Tryinghere]

She’s aware that my porn use has bothered me yes, I think she doesn’t fully appreciate the challenge and thinks that I am also putting too much stress on myself to perform which contributes to the problem. She’s probably right. My wife has a relatively low sex drive which on the one hand leads to a less pushy and more supportive partner on this subject but on the other can lead me to feel more insecure because I sometimes wonder if she’s just not satisfied and would want sex more if I was “better” at it with her. But she assures me that’s not the case so I need to take her at her word. I think there’s just been so much negative energy put into sex that it’s been strained between us over time. For a long time I was chasing increasingly kinky experienced as what I thought I was missing in my life and we did a lot of them together - femdom, pegging, bondage, even chastity play. But she was never super into it, only for me, so the fact that I kept wanting more exhausted her in the long run and now all I want is regular vanilla sex with us again, but it’s incredibly awkward and uncomfortable at this point when we try. 95% of our sex life at this point is hand jobs.

Shit it's almost like I could predict what you were going to say next. It gets to a point where there's been so much negative energy surrounding sex that just trying to have a normal experience with your spouse is now very heavy, awkward and uncomfortable. That's not at all how it should be. Not at all. It's terrible.
It's good that she knows though. I agree, she may not completely realize the "challenge' you're going through.....I'm sure mine doesn't. I just simply couldn't imagine trying to reboot and rewire while keeping the problem a secret. My wife has a pretty normal sex drive.....and a pretty open mind to various kinks. Our issue was she got prescribed some medication that, unbeknownst to us killed her libido. Which led to frustration for me....which led to sexual stress for the both of us....which led to "fuck it I'll just jerk off until I couldn't possibly ever want sex again".
All fine and good until she realizes that her medication is causing more problems than fixing and she gets off of it. Once her natural libido started to return is when we really realized there was a problem.
I digress. If she has a lower sex drive that might be super helpful during moments of flatline. The point here, if I understand you correctly is that you don't want sex to be a "thing" anymore. Whether it happens once a month or once a day.....you should just be able to have sex with your spouse. You're doing the right things. Once you get your dick back, it's totally ok to enjoy some kinks too my friend.

 

[reboot_8716]

Shit it's almost like I could predict what you were going to say next. It gets to a point where there's been so much negative energy surrounding sex that just trying to have a normal experience with your spouse is now very heavy, awkward and uncomfortable. That's not at all how it should be. Not at all. It's terrible.
It's good that she knows though. I agree, she may not completely realize the "challenge' you're going through.....I'm sure mine doesn't. I just simply couldn't imagine trying to reboot and rewire while keeping the problem a secret. My wife has a pretty normal sex drive.....and a pretty open mind to various kinks. Our issue was she got prescribed some medication that, unbeknownst to us killed her libido. Which led to frustration for me....which led to sexual stress for the both of us....which led to "fuck it I'll just jerk off until I couldn't possibly ever want sex again".
All fine and good until she realizes that her medication is causing more problems than fixing and she gets off of it. Once her natural libido started to return is when we really realized there was a problem.
I digress. If she has a lower sex drive that might be super helpful during moments of flatline. The point here, if I understand you correctly is that you don't want sex to be a "thing" anymore. Whether it happens once a month or once a day.....you should just be able to have sex with your spouse. You're doing the right things. Once you get your dick back, it's totally ok to enjoy some kinks too my friend.

Yeah I don’t think kinks are automatically a problem and in fact building unnecessary shame around them is what drove me to porn for a lot of it. But there’s also a difference between a kink you’re actually into versus one you’ve just watched so much porn on that you can’t stop focusing on. For example I enjoyed in person the experiences of bondage and pegging, but chastity was not something I actually enjoyed when it went from fantasy to practice. The former kinks are genuine to what I like, the latter was just porn induced.

i also wonder if my wife’s libido is stronger than she says but she just doesn’t feel like she can express it because for too long my desires and obsessions dominated the discussion. She told me she rarely desires sex but then also told me she misses me dominating her from behind and putting my hand on her throat — something I think a person with no libido wouldn’t say! So I’m hopeful that through this process we can get back to the type of sex she enjoys too and that as a result both all feel more fulfilled.

 

[Tryinghere]

Yeah I don’t think kinks are automatically a problem and in fact building unnecessary shame around them is what drove me to porn for a lot of it. But there’s also a difference between a kink you’re actually into versus one you’ve just watched so much porn on that you can’t stop focusing on. For example I enjoyed in person the experiences of bondage and pegging, but chastity was not something I actually enjoyed when it went from fantasy to practice. The former kinks are genuine to what I like, the latter was just porn induced.

i also wonder if my wife’s libido is stronger than she says but she just doesn’t feel like she can express it because for too long my desires and obsessions dominated the discussion. She told me she rarely desires sex but then also told me she misses me dominating her from behind and putting my hand on her throat — something I think a person with no libido wouldn’t say! So I’m hopeful that through this process we can get back to the type of sex she enjoys too and that as a result both all feel more fulfilled.

That's the ticket right there.....to get to a point where it's natural and enjoyable for you both. I'm sure her libido is there albeit different than yours. that's ok. As you start to "normalize" I'm hopeful that you and her fall into a nice rythym. It will probably take some practice before it comes naturally again, but you'll get there.

 

[reboot_8716]

I’m now 24 days without porn, with only one instance of M a little over a week ago.

I feel like a wreck. I’m anxious, angry, and depressed. I feel a ton of rage and resentment against my relationship and the lack of a satisfying sex life. And I know a lot of it is my own fault, but there’s a persistent nagging in my mind that maybe none of these problems would exist if I was with someone who was as horny as me all the time.

I know rationally that’s not true, but the emotions are real. And I don’t know how to deal with them. I don’t want to blow up my life and I do love my wife. I don’t think I actually want to just date a porn star. But my brain is telling me that’s what I need to be happy.

all I know for sure is stay away from porn. I don’t even feel like masturbating or trying to initiate intimacy with my wife. But I know my attitude is making things worse between us.

 

[Tryinghere]

I’m now 24 days without porn, with only one instance of M a little over a week ago.

I feel like a wreck. I’m anxious, angry, and depressed. I feel a ton of rage and resentment against my relationship and the lack of a satisfying sex life. And I know a lot of it is my own fault, but there’s a persistent nagging in my mind that maybe none of these problems would exist if I was with someone who was as horny as me all the time.

I know rationally that’s not true, but the emotions are real. And I don’t know how to deal with them. I don’t want to blow up my life and I do love my wife. I don’t think I actually want to just date a porn star. But my brain is telling me that’s what I need to be happy.

all I know for sure is stay away from porn. I don’t even feel like masturbating or trying to initiate intimacy with my wife. But I know my attitude is making things worse between us.

I can't write much right now because I'm at work. But After about a month or so into my reboot I had a lot of the same feelings and emotions. So much anger and rage and depression and anxiety. I didn't feel like masturbating or even thinking about sex. I believe what I experienced was a pretty shitty flatline. Cold showers helped. A conversation with my wife helped. Your brain is throwing a temper tantrum because it's pissed off at you. just hold on and it WILL pass. I'll check in later dude. Stay strong.

 

[reboot_8716]

I can't write much right now because I'm at work. But After about a month or so into my reboot I had a lot of the same feelings and emotions. So much anger and rage and depression and anxiety. I didn't feel like masturbating or even thinking about sex. I believe what I experienced was a pretty shitty flatline. Cold showers helped. A conversation with my wife helped. Your brain is throwing a temper tantrum because it's pissed off at you. just hold on and it WILL pass. I'll check in later dude. Stay strong.

Thanks! This helps

@Blondie @Fappy @H&M curious for your thoughts as well

 

[Blondie]

First of all, great job on going 24 days without porn. Nice! And yes, the rage is completely normal when you (or your brain) has broken up with its digital harem. Give it time, this too shall pass. As far as the other issue is concerned, it's hard to know at this time what exactly is going on, or what to do. But it's a fact, that Porn fucks our brains up, thus, what we think of as our "natural sex drive" might not be true at all, and is just our brains telling us we're horney! Of course, I read that one of the reason you got seriously into porn was because you were unsatisfied with your sex life after the "honeymoon period". However, you also wrote that you've been viewing porn since you were a teenager. So I think, though I could be wrong, that you have literally no idea what your true "sex drive" might be, especially if you've been viewing porn frequently for so many years.

Only time will tell what the "real" you is. And who knows, It may be true that you're a sex freak that needs sex constantly, and that's totally okay. If so, you will definitely need to address that in your relationship. Or, your sex drive might be somewhere completely opposite from that, or somewhere in between, which is also fine. But either way, you will never know your true self until you stay utterly away from the shit, that is called porn. Give it six months at least, or maybe a year, and then you'll finally start to know, what your "real sex drive" is.

Staying away from porn is a personal journey in every sense of the term. Because it's truly a journey of discovery; a discovery of who the real you is. Thinking about this makes me very excited about my own journey, and for yours, and everyone that is here.

Stay strong man, you're killing it!

Addendum.

Fuck porn

 

[Tryinghere]

Thanks! This helps

@Blondie @Fappy @H&M curious for your thoughts as well

Good luck man. This will pass. Porn is evil and fucked us up. It took about 3 or 4 weeks until I started coming out of it. It's an emotional roller coaster dude.

 

[reboot_8716]

First of all, great job on going 24 days without porn. Nice! And yes, the rage is completely normal when you (or your brain) has broken up with its digital harem. Give it time, this too shall pass. As far as the other issue is concerned, it's hard to know at this time what exactly is going on, or what to do. But it's a fact, that Porn fucks our brains up, thus, what we think of as our "natural sex drive" might not be true at all, and is just our brains telling us we're horney! Of course, I read that one of the reason you got seriously into porn was because you were unsatisfied with your sex life after the "honeymoon period". However, you also wrote that you've been viewing porn since you were a teenager. So I think, though I could be wrong, that you have literally no idea what your true "sex drive" might be, especially if you've been viewing porn frequently for so many years.

Only time will tell what the "real" you is. And who knows, It may be true that you're a sex freak that needs sex constantly, and that's totally okay. If so, you will definitely need to address that in your relationship. Or, your sex drive might be somewhere completely opposite from that, or somewhere in between, which is also fine. But either way, you will never know your true self until you stay utterly away from the shit, that is called porn. Give it six months at least, or maybe a year, and then you'll finally start to know, what your "real sex drive" is.

Staying away from porn is a personal journey in every sense of the term. Because it's truly a journey of discovery; a discovery of who the real you is. Thinking about this makes me very excited about my own journey, and for yours, and everyone that is here.

Stay strong man, you're killing it!

Addendum.

Fuck porn

Thanks for this, I agree I need to keep going on this journey to really get the clarity of knowing what my true sexuality is and what has been induced by porn.

For me as a young teenager I began to experience feelings of bicuriosity and as such porn became one of the only discreet outlets I could turn to for those desires. Part of me has wondered if they were in fact porn induced to begin with or not, but I have experienced intimacy with men and while I prefer women, I didn’t hate it either.

when we started dating we had pretty good casual sex but we also started exploring some kinks that I had developed and wanted to try (again, hard to say if they came from porn or if I just liked it and saw them in porn). We would do pegging and bondage on a semi regular basis (maybe once a month). But slowly I got more and more obsessed with that type of sex and less and less interested in vanilla sex and that started to lead to a nosedive in our overall intimacy. I was selfish and not considering the type of sex my wife wanted which created friction and then haven’t really been able to get it back. It led to extreme performance anxiety when trying to have standard intercourse which we now haven’t done in months

in terms of the relationship with my wife, there actually are avenues we’ve arranged that we’re designed to let me satisfy some of my desires that weren’t being met. We have practiced non monogamy and I’ve slept with men while we’ve been married, and I’ve also visited a dominatrix for more extreme BDSM stuff she didn’t feel comfortable doing. The thing is, I did truly enjoy doing those in person, so I wonder if they’re porn induced or not. And I don’t want to allow kink shame to keep me away from something that makes me happy, but I also don’t want any of it to come at the expense of good intimacy with my wife.

 

[Deleted member 26092]

No matter how many times you fail, remember that P is not going to cure anything. It will make your life even worse.

 

[reboot_8716]

No matter how many times you fail, remember that P is not going to cure anything. It will make your life even worse.

I am fully committed to leaving porn in all of its forms behind me.

 

[Tryinghere]

I’m now 24 days without porn, with only one instance of M a little over a week ago.

I feel like a wreck. I’m anxious, angry, and depressed. I feel a ton of rage and resentment against my relationship and the lack of a satisfying sex life. And I know a lot of it is my own fault, but there’s a persistent nagging in my mind that maybe none of these problems would exist if I was with someone who was as horny as me all the time.

I know rationally that’s not true, but the emotions are real. And I don’t know how to deal with them. I don’t want to blow up my life and I do love my wife. I don’t think I actually want to just date a porn star. But my brain is telling me that’s what I need to be happy.

all I know for sure is stay away from porn. I don’t even feel like masturbating or trying to initiate intimacy with my wife. But I know my attitude is making things worse between us.

Hey how’s this going? Still feeling anxious, angry and depressed?