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k-fff

Active Member
I had a birthday awhile back. wanted to move my thread here, but it's fine. Today, I just found out a person who I considered a close friend really betrayed me. Maybe, that's my karma for cheating. Betrayal hurts a fuck ton and I feel guilt about what I did all the time. It is also the main reason why I let my ex go because she deserves someone that didn't do that to her. People are so damn fake. I plan on to keep moving forward with my recovery. At the end of the day, I am happy I didn't binge on p and even though, I just had something immensely painful happen. I have no desire to use it. I just want to move on with my life.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 3
Depressed and hurt. Plan for the day is to work on piano for basically the entirety of it besides eating and seeing the gf. I am very happy I didn’t go on a binge. Just keep moving forward.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Did what I set out to do today and I just feel like a big fucking idiot. I was made a fool out of.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 4
Still upset about the betrayal still do not want to look at p. I will go practice piano again. I already worked out. I’m feeling really uncomfortable.
 

Pra

Member
Friend issues are tough. I once realised that most of my close friends were on the toxic side, especially one guy who seemed to become the leader of the group for some reason! Had to avoid the entire group in the end.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Friend issues are tough. I once realised that most of my close friends were on the toxic side, especially one guy who seemed to become the leader of the group for some reason! Had to avoid the entire group in the end.
Yea, essentially, I was unknowingly cut out and this guy also approached my gf. Really bad stuff considering how close we were in the past.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 5
Gonna work out today and practice piano. My goal for this month is to be as productive as possible so I can get out of this work I hate.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Extreme humiliation I haven’t felt in awhile. I am surprised my gf didn’t betray me based on the level of how socially ostracized I currently am. My social status is basically at zero. I think if she was still at my work she would have, but since, she isn’t here she hasn’t.
 

Pra

Member
Yea, essentially, I was unknowingly cut out and this guy also approached my gf. Really bad stuff considering how close we were in the past.

Bad friends are worse than enemies. I wonder was he always a bit toxic too. Some people can be nice one minute and then horrible the next. It would be better if they were just horrible the whole time so you'd know to avoid them.

Extreme humiliation I haven’t felt in awhile. I am surprised my gf didn’t betray me based on the level of how socially ostracized I currently am. My social status is basically at zero. I think if she was still at my work she would have, but since, she isn’t here she hasn’t.

Lately I've been thinking that it's good to have an "identity" of sorts which transcends whatever stuff is going on in our lives. "I'm a ______, and it doesn't matter what happens to me, I'll always have that and no one can take it away from me."

Something along those lines anyway!
 

k-fff

Active Member
Bad friends are worse than enemies. I wonder was he always a bit toxic too. Some people can be nice one minute and then horrible the next. It would be better if they were just horrible the whole time so you'd know to avoid them.



Lately I've been thinking that it's good to have an "identity" of sorts which transcends whatever stuff is going on in our lives. "I'm a ______, and it doesn't matter what happens to me, I'll always have that and no one can take it away from me."

Something along those lines anyway!
Yea, I am lucky I formed a healthy sense of myself before this happened. It would have destroyed me because I would have made it about myself instead of the reality that this person is just a bad person. I mainly feel stupid for trusting them.
 

k-fff

Active Member
God, I hate this addiction so much. I got triggered by I guess this gaming website and this triggered a bunch of euphoric recall. It felt like I was in autopilot again. I didn't really search for p specifically but nsfw content yea. I broke out of it and thankfully, I have all kinds of blockers because I fell right into the rabbit hole without realizing like that. I was not ready for that. I am hoping after this next month urges and this autopilot crap dies down more. This addiction has stolen so much of my time.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Energy levels just cratered. It's a weird feeling. I don't care as much about what happened with that "friend". At the end of the day, it's all very fake and I know my value as a person so it's whatever. I am so tired of dishonest people. I don't have patience for this crap anymore. Next work semester will be interesting, but honestly, I would just rather not be around any of them.
 
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k-fff

Active Member
If there is any benefit to this nonsense at work, it has taken my mind off p almost completely. I am thankful for that. Also, I am glad I am feeling nervousness and stress quite well as opposed when I am using p and I am just completely numb to pretty much everything. I regret one thing in particular I did I shouldn’t have cut out everyone, but not because I forgave them, but just because I would have a better idea of what’s going on. We will see if this bites me in the ass. The worst part of all this is the kind of paranoia that it has inspired. I don’t trust my gf even when I have no reason not to, but that just might have to do with my lack of trust for women in general. Given social status is currently 0 among people we mutually know; my experience with women is they cut ship quite quick.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 9
Today is a break from the gym. Thank god, I’m on vacation. I have been having insomnia. I am gonna practice piano today. Maybe, I will do a 4 hour practice, but I need to plan out what I will be doing if I am practicing for that long too easy to get distracted. I am so happy I didn’t pmo when I relapsed and I didn’t use the day after either. Mainly, because I don’t feel horrible like I would have if I did. I get really bad stress headaches from pmo now and it always tanks my energy levels.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 10
Still had really odd sleep. Woke up early exhausted then fell asleep again sleeping till 11. Practicing piano everyday. I’m gonna get back into kickboxing during this vacation. PMO has always taken away my passion for my hobbies. I would always never want to do anything when using. I would be constantly bored by everything except pmo. Though, I can say definitively that I have improved significantly at piano over this year even with the relapses. It is time to get back in the gym more frequently.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 12

My sleep is still messed up. I don't have any urges for p and I am no longer getting such a strong chaser effect after sex. I don't really have a measurement for recovery. I have never developed PIED -not in any severe long-term form anyway. I am waiting for urges to hit me like a wave again. The fact that they haven't is a little worrisome. I don't know I feel pretty normal overall. I have no idea when a flat-line will start. Even when I get to 45-50 days, it has never started. Maybe after 90 days, I will start to get a flat-line. It's not that I want one necessarily, but it would be a sign that my brain is healing more. There is no way I haven't severely fried my dopamine centers with all the edging I have done. I don't want to know that I am "healed" necessarily I am just wondering if I am gonna hit with something really big because compared to many my withdrawals are nothing.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 13
Exhausted. I didn't sleep well. I will go to bed early today just because I want to sleep so bad. No chaser effect from O yesterday. I am happy I am not getting urges. We will see how I feel when I hit a month again.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Day 14
Bored out of my mind. Getting urges again. Will practice today. I felt better after some coffee. Unfortunately, I think when I am hungry my body just tells me to use p. Even though, I didn’t self medicate in this way. Frustrating.
 
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