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Day 16
Overslept. I am feeling really demotivated and generally full of despair. Things feel black. I hate my job and I hate my coworkers. I generally just hate the industry I am in. I have money saved up, but inflation has basically destroyed the value of it. It's frustrating.
Edit:
I can say I am happy that I am putting this crap behind me. Ideally, I get to the point where these blockers are unnecessary. Only really positives in my life are my relationship and the fact that I keep moving forward with my recovery.
Overslept. I am feeling really demotivated and generally full of despair. Things feel black. I hate my job and I hate my coworkers. I generally just hate the industry I am in. I have money saved up, but inflation has basically destroyed the value of it. It's frustrating.
Edit:
I can say I am happy that I am putting this crap behind me. Ideally, I get to the point where these blockers are unnecessary. Only really positives in my life are my relationship and the fact that I keep moving forward with my recovery.
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Day 20
I haven’t really had any urges. P scenes aren’t coming up. Thinking of the one time I did have urges was when I was thinking about possibly removing covenant eyes from my computer. Unfortunately, I think that will be a problem studies have shown availability is the main thing that affects urges not time. Because when people have no way of getting something they stop wanting it till it is available again. I am hoping when my subscription does run out. I have enough things in place internally that I don’t relapse.
I haven’t really had any urges. P scenes aren’t coming up. Thinking of the one time I did have urges was when I was thinking about possibly removing covenant eyes from my computer. Unfortunately, I think that will be a problem studies have shown availability is the main thing that affects urges not time. Because when people have no way of getting something they stop wanting it till it is available again. I am hoping when my subscription does run out. I have enough things in place internally that I don’t relapse.
Day 21
I had horrible sleep last night. I'm exhausted today. I am having a lot of urges as the result of being tired. Thankfully a lot of p images have disappeared over time so there aren't really strong flashes. My brain is screaming for dopamine at the moment. I could also be getting a lot of urges due to the fact week 4 is beginning again. Weeks 4-6, I get bad urges. I really need sleep. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I haven't really ever done hard-mode. I usually am involved with a girl. I don't know if in hard-mode I would have more long term improvement. I am just tired of p and tired of all the tension I get from urges. I did set myself back when I relapsed three weeks ago. I didn't mo or even m, but looking at p like that definitely triggered that part of my brain and the next day, I had urges like I had full blown pmo. Searching itself causes the p brain to light up like a Christmas tree. It's due to initially trying to quit I got a blocker and all I did for hours was trying to find sites that got around said blocker. I wish I realized back then that I needed to just block search engines in general and as a result, I probably would have been able to quit much earlier. My addiction is characterized by eternal searching and downloading. I also do the multiple tabs thing. I literally would skip entire meals a day when I was doing that. I don't know how I didn't develop PIED with the hours of edging (albeit it was unintentional edging) it still has the same effect. I don't really talk about the sex I am having or erection quality because it seems pointless to dwell on. Both have varied and I do think I have come very close to developing PIED. I am very lucky I had sex before ever PMOing; I think that is a big killer for people. P is horrible and I think anybody who is thinking that history moves in a straight line and that we are always "progressing" is a moron. We are in an extreme decline and have been in one for a hundred years now. P being a marker of a sick society and men that develop a problem with p are a victim of society. People who debate otherwise are doing so in bad faith because nobody, at every moment and every single second. can be in control of themselves or make correct decisions. Also, this idea that this poison being promoted and pushed somehow frees the smut peddlers and society at large's responsibility because it's "a person's choice, man," is an idiot. While were out letting poison being spread that has destroyed countless relationships and people, we should remove seat-belts and man-hole covers while we are at it because "a person's choice."
I had horrible sleep last night. I'm exhausted today. I am having a lot of urges as the result of being tired. Thankfully a lot of p images have disappeared over time so there aren't really strong flashes. My brain is screaming for dopamine at the moment. I could also be getting a lot of urges due to the fact week 4 is beginning again. Weeks 4-6, I get bad urges. I really need sleep. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I haven't really ever done hard-mode. I usually am involved with a girl. I don't know if in hard-mode I would have more long term improvement. I am just tired of p and tired of all the tension I get from urges. I did set myself back when I relapsed three weeks ago. I didn't mo or even m, but looking at p like that definitely triggered that part of my brain and the next day, I had urges like I had full blown pmo. Searching itself causes the p brain to light up like a Christmas tree. It's due to initially trying to quit I got a blocker and all I did for hours was trying to find sites that got around said blocker. I wish I realized back then that I needed to just block search engines in general and as a result, I probably would have been able to quit much earlier. My addiction is characterized by eternal searching and downloading. I also do the multiple tabs thing. I literally would skip entire meals a day when I was doing that. I don't know how I didn't develop PIED with the hours of edging (albeit it was unintentional edging) it still has the same effect. I don't really talk about the sex I am having or erection quality because it seems pointless to dwell on. Both have varied and I do think I have come very close to developing PIED. I am very lucky I had sex before ever PMOing; I think that is a big killer for people. P is horrible and I think anybody who is thinking that history moves in a straight line and that we are always "progressing" is a moron. We are in an extreme decline and have been in one for a hundred years now. P being a marker of a sick society and men that develop a problem with p are a victim of society. People who debate otherwise are doing so in bad faith because nobody, at every moment and every single second. can be in control of themselves or make correct decisions. Also, this idea that this poison being promoted and pushed somehow frees the smut peddlers and society at large's responsibility because it's "a person's choice, man," is an idiot. While were out letting poison being spread that has destroyed countless relationships and people, we should remove seat-belts and man-hole covers while we are at it because "a person's choice."
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Day 22
Pretty horrible night overall. I had so much euphoric recall that it caused so much tension and anxiety I didn’t sleep well. I expect that when I get further in my reboot that my withdrawal symptoms will be characterized by these hours of tension and anxiety because of all the edging I did. That’s horrible and I am not looking forward to it, but that’s likely gonna continue to happen until my brain is healed.
Pretty horrible night overall. I had so much euphoric recall that it caused so much tension and anxiety I didn’t sleep well. I expect that when I get further in my reboot that my withdrawal symptoms will be characterized by these hours of tension and anxiety because of all the edging I did. That’s horrible and I am not looking forward to it, but that’s likely gonna continue to happen until my brain is healed.
My stomach is currently a mess. I don't know if it's the anxiety or what. I am having pretty severe urges which are causing spikes in anxiety and tension. I can't tell if I just ate something bad or the anxiety getting to me. It's hard to get anything done at the moment.
Day 24 technically 25 it is 12 am where I am.
I felt better today. I am thinking the reason I got such insane urges a few days ago was due to a built up chaser from having sex for like a week straight. I also think that is how my urges are gonna be and how my withdrawal symptoms will be -extremely high anxiety and tension with my body telling me the only way to get rid of it all is pmo. God, I wish I never edged. When I have urges it's fucking awful, I hate it. I think I am gonna be far more than 90 days to get better in my case even without ever developing PIED.
I felt better today. I am thinking the reason I got such insane urges a few days ago was due to a built up chaser from having sex for like a week straight. I also think that is how my urges are gonna be and how my withdrawal symptoms will be -extremely high anxiety and tension with my body telling me the only way to get rid of it all is pmo. God, I wish I never edged. When I have urges it's fucking awful, I hate it. I think I am gonna be far more than 90 days to get better in my case even without ever developing PIED.
MarshDweller05
Member
Im so sorry you've got these terrible feelings. I get that deep anxiety in my heart and pit of stomach. Its brutal. I am trying to remind myself that the relief from P is just temporary, the true relief is found in the world - maybe doing something you enjoy. Also trying to get some sleep and be rested so you are not overwhelmed. I feel the pain
Thanks, right now, I am dealing with it better because I’m sleeping, but yea, for me the anxiety use comes when I get really strong urges to pmo.
Day 26
I’ve been having stomach issues almost the whole day. I caught myself fantasizing these past few days. I need to make sure I don’t do that at all. It definitely has set me up to relapse in the past. I wish my fetish would freaking disappear. One of my main markers for really being healed is that goes away. Who knows how long that will take I’ve been reinforcing it for about 5 years now. I’m still waiting on my big flatline and more days where I am filled with urges and a bunch of anxiety. Tension and anxiety are currently my p withdrawal symptoms. I plan to keep going with this for good. Being healed is a goal, but for me the goal is to get this out of my life. That’s what matters the most. I thought about it and I am prepared to pay for a covenant eyes subscription for another 2 years and keep my phone basically cut off from the internet. I am okay with doing that. I just want to be done with this garbage.
I’ve been having stomach issues almost the whole day. I caught myself fantasizing these past few days. I need to make sure I don’t do that at all. It definitely has set me up to relapse in the past. I wish my fetish would freaking disappear. One of my main markers for really being healed is that goes away. Who knows how long that will take I’ve been reinforcing it for about 5 years now. I’m still waiting on my big flatline and more days where I am filled with urges and a bunch of anxiety. Tension and anxiety are currently my p withdrawal symptoms. I plan to keep going with this for good. Being healed is a goal, but for me the goal is to get this out of my life. That’s what matters the most. I thought about it and I am prepared to pay for a covenant eyes subscription for another 2 years and keep my phone basically cut off from the internet. I am okay with doing that. I just want to be done with this garbage.
Day 27
I noticed I had a lot of euphoric recall and urges last night when I was really tired trying to go to sleep. Tiredness is definitely a trigger. I think I will have to worry about days I'm exhausted the most. Other times where I'm experiencing fantasy are when I am in bed trying to sleep. I had that a lot last night. I have had a few urges throughout the day, but nothing major yet.
I noticed I had a lot of euphoric recall and urges last night when I was really tired trying to go to sleep. Tiredness is definitely a trigger. I think I will have to worry about days I'm exhausted the most. Other times where I'm experiencing fantasy are when I am in bed trying to sleep. I had that a lot last night. I have had a few urges throughout the day, but nothing major yet.
Day 28
Week 4 beginning again. I have one week left of vacation. I was hoping to be at day 60 by this point, but I relapsed back in January. I haven’t pmo’ed in what’s going to be 60 days that’s something. This next month I need to be 100% ready to leave my job. I need to get all of those things ready. It’s a lot of work, but I will lose my mind if I continue being around these people. PMCs are absolutely the most annoying and nasty people I have ever met.
Week 4 beginning again. I have one week left of vacation. I was hoping to be at day 60 by this point, but I relapsed back in January. I haven’t pmo’ed in what’s going to be 60 days that’s something. This next month I need to be 100% ready to leave my job. I need to get all of those things ready. It’s a lot of work, but I will lose my mind if I continue being around these people. PMCs are absolutely the most annoying and nasty people I have ever met.
Day 31
I need to really focus on getting all these songs down for comping. I’m too behind on this. Vacation is ending and I haven’t really hit my goal. Ugh.
I'm 60 days PMO free and 30 days p free. I don't know when the last time I MO'ed. Last time I remember is also a month ago.
I need to really focus on getting all these songs down for comping. I’m too behind on this. Vacation is ending and I haven’t really hit my goal. Ugh.
I'm 60 days PMO free and 30 days p free. I don't know when the last time I MO'ed. Last time I remember is also a month ago.
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Day 36
MO’ed last night to p fantasy. Not happy about that. I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to finish quick. I honestly think my mind wanted to MO just to insert p images in there. Usually when I MO I just think of a previous experience. That has been getting harder lately. Intense drowsiness is a killer for me. I have the most euphoric recall at night and being that tired it’s difficult to keep everything under control.
MO’ed last night to p fantasy. Not happy about that. I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to finish quick. I honestly think my mind wanted to MO just to insert p images in there. Usually when I MO I just think of a previous experience. That has been getting harder lately. Intense drowsiness is a killer for me. I have the most euphoric recall at night and being that tired it’s difficult to keep everything under control.