New Journal

sorry to hear your hands are still hurting you
I guess piano is still off the table? if music is a big motivator and you've had enough of theory, you could use this as an opportunity to pick up another instrument - harmonica is cheap and easy to get started, you could rent a cheap sax, maybe drums? Or take a few singing lessons - or there is the whole electronic/production side of it if that interests you
Just throwing some ideas out there bro - hope you get over this soon - sending you support 💪
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
sorry to hear your hands are still hurting you
I guess piano is still off the table? if music is a big motivator and you've had enough of theory, you could use this as an opportunity to pick up another instrument - harmonica is cheap and easy to get started, you could rent a cheap sax, maybe drums? Or take a few singing lessons - or there is the whole electronic/production side of it if that interests you
Just throwing some ideas out there bro - hope you get over this soon - sending you support 💪
At the moment, just focusing on working out and my nutrition. Also, general lifestyle changes like going outside for walks more often. I’ve been trying to get more sunlight etc.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Day 52
Tomorrow will be one week away from day 60. I am back to having a lot of urges when I’m alone. I don’t think day 60 will mark a turning point. I will be happy to finally get there, but I think I have long healing time ahead. One of my markers of being healed will be when my fetish finally fades. I’m not sure when that will be considering all of the edging I’ve done in the past. I’m depressed. I’m depressed I still want it to some extent. Urges are much smaller, but still. I hate p has consumed my life for so long. It killed my mid-20s. I am hoping my hands will heal after two months. I will also pay for another year of covenant eyes when it comes around and keep the blockers on my phone. I just feel more relaxed when the choice is taken from me. I’ve been trying to do mindfulness as much as possible when I get urges. In the past, I didn’t recognize a lot of behaviors that would put me in the danger zone and result in relapse. I know a lot of people want their dick to work like normal, but I just want my life and time back. That’s what I want the most out of this reboot. Just thinking about p, I can’t believe how much control it has had over me and I can still feel it’s claws in me to an extant. I hate it.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Low energy and depression. Nonexistent libido. I feel like shit. Most likely in a flatline, I wonder if it would be better if I stopped orgasming. I honestly think I would probably heal more without having sex as much as I do. I definitely overdo it. Though my gf directly said it would be a little weird if I stopped o’ing, but I think it is probably for the best.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
I had a lot of porn dreams last night. I dreamt I relapsed on my phone. Sleep was not good. I feel pretty bad actually because I’ve failed so much and I am still craving this stuff that has taken hours and hours from me.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Depressed and lonely. I don’t think it’s gonna work out with this girl because of my own feelings. I really have given up on the family thing. I am thirty and I have no one. It’s depressing. There is nothing to my life anymore. I am just so tired. So tired of everything. This addiction has eaten 5 years of my life. I expect I won’t be happy for the next three months maybe longer. I can’t tell if it’s the flatline or my old depression is coming back. My dreams now are always miserable in one way or another. I’m tired. I have given up on most things working out now, but one thing is forsure I never want to go back to porn. I can live without it and nothing is really missing funnily enough. I had never intended to use it as self medication to numb myself, but that was a byproduct anyway. As for why I started, just a replacement for sex really. Then it got its claws in me and it became a thing of doing it because I craved it. I had the urge and to get rid of the urge I would use. I would feel guilty when I finished so I stopped myself from finishing. I edged for hours as a result. 4 hours would go by in a blink. I ruined my health with this overuse; I’ll see if it is reversible. I’m so tired and unhappy. I don’t think the porn is causing this. I think these feelings were just the ones being numbed. I want to cry but I can’t cry. I hate now that I’m old I just can’t. I’m just laying around feeling like somebody is scooping out chunks of my chest. At the end of it all, the most positive feeling I’ve got is “fuck porn.”
 

SimonM

Active Member
Depressed and lonely. I don’t think it’s gonna work out with this girl because of my own feelings. I really have given up on the family thing. I am thirty and I have no one. It’s depressing. There is nothing to my life anymore. I am just so tired. So tired of everything. This addiction has eaten 5 years of my life. I expect I won’t be happy for the next three months maybe longer. I can’t tell if it’s the flatline or my old depression is coming back. My dreams now are always miserable in one way or another. I’m tired. I have given up on most things working out now, but one thing is forsure I never want to go back to porn. I can live without it and nothing is really missing funnily enough. I had never intended to use it as self medication to numb myself, but that was a byproduct anyway. As for why I started, just a replacement for sex really. Then it got its claws in me and it became a thing of doing it because I craved it. I had the urge and to get rid of the urge I would use. I would feel guilty when I finished so I stopped myself from finishing. I edged for hours as a result. 4 hours would go by in a blink. I ruined my health with this overuse; I’ll see if it is reversible. I’m so tired and unhappy. I don’t think the porn is causing this. I think these feelings were just the ones being numbed. I want to cry but I can’t cry. I hate now that I’m old I just can’t. I’m just laying around feeling like somebody is scooping out chunks of my chest. At the end of it all, the most positive feeling I’ve got is “fuck porn.”
I'm so happy to hear you don't want to give in to P, despite how you feel right now! For me it becomes super hard to resist whenever I am down. I also find myself being depressed - but I can very clearly trace it to my latest attempt to quit. Try to find something that you love doing and do it! Something that lifts you up a bit... a walk in nature, working out, reaching out to an old friend... I haven't read your whole journal so I may be off base - but if you fear it won't work out with your girl then maybe you don't have much to lose and you could just lay out the full and entire truth to her and see what happens? Maybe therapy with her or by yourself... that helped me a lot at the lowest points. Anyway - we're all in this together and we can beat this! Stay strong!
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Back to having some bad urges especially when I don’t get sleep. I had a lot of euphoric recall this morning tried stopping it before it got excessive. Euphoric recall was definitely something that caused a lot of relapses in the past. Thankfully, a good amount of the porn imagery has faded.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
I say this because I had bad urges when my phone blockers were removed just for an hour or so. The likely trigger though was previous searches came up in my search history which I promptly deleted. I did get the blocker on again, but not before I felt that part of my brain trigger just a bit. I hate how I feel it can drag me back in at any moment.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Today and yesterday, I have had a lot of euphoric recall. Urges have been so strong I’ve been tempted and even searched to try taking the blockers off. Fortunately, I’ve essentially blocked everything except sites are cleared beforehand. I don’t really feel much different with urges since month 1. I would say sex is significantly better. It’s interesting how I didn’t notice how much it affected my erections until now. I’m approaching 90 days and I feel little in the way of overcoming this. Things have improved in sex and emotionally, but the reduction in urges and the strength of them hasn’t really faded. I’m going to try to stick with this as much as possible because things have gotten better and porn for me at this point is just about satisfying urges for a fetish that I am not even sure I would even do in person. When that finally fades, I will be much more confident about my recovery. Euphoric recall is primarily a problem when I’m trying to sleep. When my brain is half awake, it goes straight to porn. Just so tiring.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
The day before yesterday I had a lapse. I searched out p on twitter. I saw maybe 1 gif and a few pictures until the blocker on my phone kicked in. That started a tsunami of urges that I’ve been dealing with. Yesterday, I was trying to get around the blockers which triggered that part of my brain. I hated how I felt and I was exhausted trying to nap. I just wanted the dopamine to go away so I MO’ed. That eliminated urges relatively speaking until today where I got another wave when I realized a way to download videos. The prime idiocy of all this is I have a beautiful girlfriend living with me and sex has never been better. But the addicted brain wants to ruin that. I redirected the p urges to just having sex with her. I was drowning in urges. I know if I use p again; it will ruin whatever I have going with this girl. I will completely ruin it. I become uncaring and rather disinterested in real women when using. The psychological effects from my use are horrible for my relationships. Right now, I am home alone. I have an opportunity to use, but thankfully I don’t have urges. If I have urges, I will go for a walk until she gets home. I don’t want to go back to p. Even though, there is a hole in my blockers per se that really shouldn’t make a difference. I have a choice to just not use. There is no reason why I have to. I feel like I do when I get these horrible urges. There is nothing, but emptiness and numbness in p use.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
I’m struggling really bad. I downloaded some vids. I ended up deleting everything and not watching any of it, but thumbnails, the searching, and the downloading triggered that part of my brain. I didn’t even get hard throughout the whole thing. I just got blasted with dopamine. The only win is I didn’t mo or watch the videos . I felt miserable for most of the day yesterday because of the dopamine. Again, it only got relieved from sex with my gf. I’m angry at myself that I’m risking the improvements I’ve made just for something not real which causes severe stress headaches for me now.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Keep on labeling the urges for what they are, p addiction, and keep those consequences fresh in your mind, ride the wave of those urges! Think just for today, not today. Wishing you a good fight!
Thank you for the support at this point. I’m just trying to hold back the flood and not binge. Haven’t MOed but I consider this a relapse. It is basically edging.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Struggling with extreme stress from my relapse. It’s the desire to watch and download. My stomach is tearing me to pieces with the stress I am feeling. P is poison. I am having some rough withdrawals. Stress head aches and horrible stomach ache.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
I'm struggling with bad urges and I am terrified of tomorrow. I will be alone for most of the day and I am not confident about my ability to handle urges while home alone. The best thing is to just leave the apartment. I was just struggling with some urges while my gf was in the shower. God, this relapse has been horrible. I feel horrible and I feel like my stress level shot through the rough. The addicted part of my brain is just telling me that I want porn. This thing just ruins my life and what it would become would just be centered around porn. Forget relationships I would probably neglect everything. Stress is incredibly strong right now. I am having a hard time relaxing with the concern that I will relapse. That I will search and download search and download search and download until 4 hours go by in a blink. The pmo is bad enough, but those hours and hours of downloading and searching is what I am really addicted to and it has destroyed my brain. I am gonna post as much as possible. I just don't want to give in to the urges that I know will come tomorrow.
 
Top