24 Days WOW this is hard but getting easier

[Ihateporn]

Hello
I have finally realized that I need help to get my life back together.
I have sabotaged my relationship with my wife. I think I have pushed her to the limit.
She has been trying to put up with this for years. But as we know in our porn world and mind we just filter threw all tipe of porn but young women seems to be the most prevalent, I’m my case anyway.
This has caused insecurity, anger and mistrust in her.
She can no longer get past her anger, disappointment and other feelings I can’t even understand.
I feel so ashamed, disappointed, like a total failure. I let my best friend, my forever and my family down.
I have sabotaged our relationship so many time that she no longer believes me when I am telling the truth.
I have decided a while ago that I would be totally honest with her. But actions speak louder than words.
Being at rock bottom has made me realize that honesty is the only way out.
I am struggling! Do I tell my sisters, my mom, my dad why my wife is leaving so that they understand?
I don’t want them to be made at her. What do I tell my son?
I am scared to death! My anxiety is through the roof. And I am refusing to lie.
Refusing to admit to something I didn’t do seems to be the wrong thing because of all the rest of my past lies.
Do I admit to something I didn’t do so we can move on or do I stay the course and finally be honest with myself?
I am Dutch a mess.
Sorry for all the babbling.
Help me please!!!

 

[Fappy]

Hi, yes you definately can get your life and everything in it back if you do a reboot starting NOW. Read up on all the information on this site to get the ins and outs of what a reboot it. Get yourself a copy of the book, Your Brain on Porn.
Also what do you mean, "refusing something i didnt do"?

 

[Ihateporn]

My wife believes I was having an affair. It is and was the furthest thing fro the truth. I had no interest in anything but getting my fix from porn.
I don’t know how to explain the my addiction to my interest in human involvement away. I just wanted my fix.

 

[reboot_8716]

My wife believes I was having an affair. It is and was the furthest thing fro the truth. I had no interest in anything but getting my fix from porn.
I don’t know how to explain the my addiction to my interest in human involvement away. I just wanted my fix.

You need to tell your wife about your porn addiction if she doesn’t know about it.

 

[Ihateporn]

I did that when she questioned me about having an affair.
I just think that not admitting that I had o porn addiction to myself and to her caused this to be where it is today.

I have explained everything to her today. Totally honest with her.
It was hard but I did it. Not sure she believes it but I was honest with her and most importantly with me!

 

[Tryinghere]

I did that when she questioned me about having an affair.
I just think that not admitting that I had o porn addiction to myself and to her caused this to be where it is today.

I have explained everything to her today. Totally honest with her.
It was hard but I did it. Not sure she believes it but I was honest with her and most importantly with me!

That’s the right move. Maybe show her some videos from gabe deem, Noah church, Gary Wilson and Scandinavian Bob.

 

[Cristina]

Truth!! I think that
the truth liberates.
without an honest relationship there is no communication. without communication there is no trust!!!

I write from a woman’s perspective.
my husband admitted to me after 4 g of marriage that he watches pornography for more than 20 g.
the same feelings occur in me and my husband.
it hurts so much. I thought I was guilty and bad:
so many emotions since then:
denial, disappointment, betrayal, anger, helplessness, self-doubt, anger, hatred ... only now can I try to understand ...

and men seem to have a hard time expressing their feelings.
I am impressed by how openly you express your emotions.
my husband is so closed.
and she would love to hear a male perspective.
what would you like to hear from your wife?
how to show you that he wants to be your support?
I would like to see me when my husband has an urge to watch pornography:
for conversation and sexual support.
I was even willing to enrich our sex lives.
fulfill fantasies.
he says he is embarrassed.
what to do what not to do? I'm confused...

 

[Ihateporn]

I wish I could help you with the questions you have!
What I can say is that the shame, self hate, and anger I felt every time I would turn to porn is unbearable.

I love my wife more than anything, I still get goosebumps when I see her now after 18 yeas.

My addiction made me isolate myself from her and my friends. I just could not deal with the guilt. I would get angry, short tempered and lash out at her.
WOW how does this make sense?

I am sure he is feeling the same way I am!
If I can say anything it is that our addiction has nothing to do with our partners!!!
We love them and we simply can’t deal with the shame of what we are or what we did.

We cannot take the hurt, the insecurities, the damage to your self esteems that we have caused away.
It is a long road to forgiving our selves. Let alone trying to get our partners to forgive and trust us again once we have managed to complete our Reboot.

We still live in fear of relapsing every day. What will I do the next time I get stressed out? The next time we argue? Did I cause the argument unintentionally so that I can justify looking at porn?
All this causes more and more anxiety and the Circle continues.

I can say that I am very impressed that you are still willing to try to save your relationship. That would be a boost to me and my strength to stay the course.

You are strong and you are a wonderful person, don’t loose sight of the end goal!
A good life together

 

[Ihateporn]

Truth!! I think that
the truth liberates.
without an honest relationship there is no communication. without communication there is no trust!!!

I write from a woman’s perspective.
my husband admitted to me after 4 g of marriage that he watches pornography for more than 20 g.
the same feelings occur in me and my husband.
it hurts so much. I thought I was guilty and bad:
so many emotions since then:
denial, disappointment, betrayal, anger, helplessness, self-doubt, anger, hatred ... only now can I try to understand ...

and men seem to have a hard time expressing their feelings.
I am impressed by how openly you express your emotions.
my husband is so closed.
and she would love to hear a male perspective.
what would you like to hear from your wife?
how to show you that he wants to be your support?
I would like to see me when my husband has an urge to watch pornography:
for conversation and sexual support.
I was even willing to enrich our sex lives.
fulfill fantasies.
he says he is embarrassed.
what to do what not to do? I'm confused...

Ihateporn​

Member​

• Today at 8:47 AM
• Add bookmark
• #8

I wish I could help you with the questions you have!
What I can say is that the shame, self hate, and anger I felt every time I would turn to porn is unbearable.

I love my wife more than anything, I still get goosebumps when I see her now after 18 yeas.

My addiction made me isolate myself from her and my friends. I just could not deal with the guilt. I would get angry, short tempered and lash out at her.
WOW how does this make sense?

I am sure he is feeling the same way I am!
If I can say anything it is that our addiction has nothing to do with our partners!!!
We love them and we simply can’t deal with the shame of what we are or what we did.

We cannot take the hurt, the insecurities, the damage to your self esteems that we have caused away.
It is a long road to forgiving our selves. Let alone trying to get our partners to forgive and trust us again once we have managed to complete our Reboot.

We still live in fear of relapsing every day. What will I do the next time I get stressed out? The next time we argue? Did I cause the argument unintentionally so that I can justify looking at porn?
All this causes more and more anxiety and the Circle continues.

I can say that I am very impressed that you are still willing to try to save your relationship. That would be a boost to me and my strength to stay the course.

You are strong and you are a wonderful person, don’t loose sight of the end goal!
A good life together

 

[Ihateporn]

Hello everyone

This is day 24 Wow.
It has been a emotional roller coaster. Guilt for how it has affected my family.
Fear for what the outcome may bee.
Insecurity for where I may end up.
Shame. I want to tell everyone what and why this situation is happening.
Fear of my family’s reaction if I open up.

I am glad to know that I am not alone in this struggle. I wish I could get through to my wife and that she could see how hard this is for me as I see how hard this is for her.

It has cause so much mental and emotional damage to my wife and probably my son as he watches our family fall appart.

My resolve continues to grow as I want to be the man I can be.
The man I wish to be. The man my wife saw when we fell in love. I want my family to be reunited although this may not be possible.

I vow to continue to be honest about everything good or bad.
I vow to not give up.
I vow to be a good person to others.
I vow to learn how to love myself.
I vow to Learn to forgive myself.
I vow to continue the fight to recovery!!!!!!

All this being said I know the journey will be long and hard but believing in oneself , not lying to oneself, not hating oneself, not giving up on oneself is the way to fixing oneself.

Keep up the fight we will get better.

 

[Ive Swornoff]

What helped me the most (and I quit "cold turkey" and haven't gone back to it - approaching 8 months here) is when I realized what it had done to me, what it had done to my brain - I got really pissed off at it. Having a visceral hate for porn really helps a lot. So think about what it has done to you. Think long and hard about it, and turn it into a hated enemy.

 

[Betrayed]

I honestly think it is definitely your families right to know why your wife is leaving. This is showing respect for her. If you don’t tell them why then they might assume she did something wrong and that will kill her. Why should she suffer more? Be honest with everyone.

 

[Ive Swornoff]

Truth!! I think that
the truth liberates.
without an honest relationship there is no communication. without communication there is no trust!!!

I write from a woman’s perspective.
my husband admitted to me after 4 g of marriage that he watches pornography for more than 20 g.
the same feelings occur in me and my husband.
it hurts so much. I thought I was guilty and bad:
so many emotions since then:
denial, disappointment, betrayal, anger, helplessness, self-doubt, anger, hatred ... only now can I try to understand ...

and men seem to have a hard time expressing their feelings.
I am impressed by how openly you express your emotions.
my husband is so closed.
and she would love to hear a male perspective.
what would you like to hear from your wife?
how to show you that he wants to be your support?
I would like to see me when my husband has an urge to watch pornography:
for conversation and sexual support.
I was even willing to enrich our sex lives.
fulfill fantasies.
he says he is embarrassed.
what to do what not to do? I'm confused...

Tell him you WANT him to come to you when he has urges. And at least at first you are going to have to swallow any annoyance, any negative signals -- if he can manage to do this. It will trigger him right back into the shell he's having such a hard time coming out of. That's part of how I got hooked. I was embarrassed to approach my wife about sex because of subtle body language and verbal hints of disdain I'd repeatedly encountered whenever sex came up ... and she kind of stopped being "into it" during ... it's no fun when your partner isn't having fun, too. I felt like I was forcing something on her she didn't really want even when she said "demand it!" after she admitted that her urges had fallen off ... I'm not a demander, never have been. It's not me.

Mind you I'm not blaming her for this ... but it is part of how I started down the slippery slope and I think in order for him to feel "safe" (not embarrassed, or less embarrassed) at first, if you can muster a wink and a gleam in your eye and a positive "moving toward" sex, an "ok, buddy, let's take care of this and we're gonna have fun" attitude ... that is going to help. A lot. Try to open your imagination a bit and maybe ask him ... after he is aroused ... what he wants (maybe his inhibitions to telling you will be lowered in the heat of the moment). If he resists, be a little pushy.

That's all I've got.

I haven't told my wife about it. She just thinks it's severe ED. I literally can't get it up anymore, even for porn (though admittedly I haven't tried it for 8 months and I am not going to) ... I kind of feel like I need to heal my brain some more first. She's older, so her drive is down. She had stopped initiating sex long, long ago. Which was also a factor. Combined with my personality of not being pushy.

Human relations are messy. The worst thing I did, though, was allow this to enter my life and grow and grow as a habit until it nearly destroyed me. I told myself that it would help, it would help me last longer, if I didn't do it I'd lose the ability even further ... all kinds of things. But what it really did, over time, is decouple my sex drive from my sex organs. It's not a good place to be. And it's MY fault.

 

[reboot_8716]

Tell him you WANT him to come to you when he has urges. And at least at first you are going to have to swallow any annoyance, any negative signals -- if he can manage to do this. It will trigger him right back into the shell he's having such a hard time coming out of. That's part of how I got hooked. I was embarrassed to approach my wife about sex because of subtle body language and verbal hints of disdain I'd repeatedly encountered whenever sex came up ... and she kind of stopped being "into it" during ... it's no fun when your partner isn't having fun, too. I felt like I was forcing something on her she didn't really want even when she said "demand it!" after she admitted that her urges had fallen off ... I'm not a demander, never have been. It's not me.

Mind you I'm not blaming her for this ... but it is part of how I started down the slippery slope and I think in order for him to feel "safe" (not embarrassed, or less embarrassed) at first, if you can muster a wink and a gleam in your eye and a positive "moving toward" sex, an "ok, buddy, let's take care of this and we're gonna have fun" attitude ... that is going to help. A lot. Try to open your imagination a bit and maybe ask him ... after he is aroused ... what he wants (maybe his inhibitions to telling you will be lowered in the heat of the moment). If he resists, be a little pushy.

That's all I've got.

I haven't told my wife about it. She just thinks it's severe ED. I literally can't get it up anymore, even for porn (though admittedly I haven't tried it for 8 months and I am not going to) ... I kind of feel like I need to heal my brain some more first. She's older, so her drive is down. She had stopped initiating sex long, long ago. Which was also a factor. Combined with my personality of not being pushy.

Human relations are messy. The worst thing I did, though, was allow this to enter my life and grow and grow as a habit until it nearly destroyed me. I told myself that it would help, it would help me last longer, if I didn't do it I'd lose the ability even further ... all kinds of things. But what it really did, over time, is decouple my sex drive from my sex organs. It's not a good place to be. And it's MY fault.

I could have written this. My wife stopped initiating sex and it did a ton of damage to my sense of confidence, even though a lot of the reason was because my own addictions turned sex from something that was casual and fun to something that was always overshadowed by negative energy and heaviness. And now it’s basically absent. I can’t blame her for not wanting to initiate it anymore when it ceased to be something that was fun and usually just led to me asking to do something more extreme next time.