I hope you find some comfort and understanding in this forum and are able to at least give your husband the benefit of the doubt. I know it's no excuse, but please understand that, while porn is an addiction and it certainly operates on your reward system as much as some of the hardest drugs, it operates a little different for a lot of us.
I don't know your husband's case, but understand that porn is everywhere and it is a big part of every teenager's sexual awakening just because of the ease of access. In a lot of cases it is not like alcohol, but think of it more like putting lots of sugar in your coffee every day and drinking many cups a day. A lot of people do that, nothing wrong with that, right? However, years later they just aren't able to make the connection when the doctor says "diabetes". That's how masturbating to porn is/was for a lot of us. Something everyone does everyday, out of habit, and we never thought it was bad and instead of diabetes, it would give us erectile dysfunction. It didn't even have anything to do with the kind of sex he would have with you. It was compartmentalized as a different thing in our brains. As a man, it is so ubiquitous and persistent that one wouldn't even consider it cheating. It was practice to get better at sex in our minds. And, again, it's no excuse, but everyone is doing it, almost literally everyone. It's even a social thing among guys. Just ask around, any guy's male friends WhatsApp group chat media section is filled with tons of news weather girls hacked phone videos, naked challenges, girl "packs", bouncing boobs, camgirl downloads, instasluts, and just tons of porn memes that get forwarded around.
Until one day, it shows its ugly face and you are unable to connect with your partner or even have an erection. It's done terrible things to your neural pathways. Your brain is fried... and so is your relationship.
Just like with the sugary drinks and diabetes further down the line, if we had known that masturbating to porn would be so detrimental for a healthy sexuality, a lot of us wouldn't have even thought of doing it. Understand that for us, this wasn't related to you as a woman, it was just something one grew up doing. And I know that is an insensitive thing to say (I know now) and that you also deserve some sort of retribution and redemption for all that you've suffered from this, but that's the reality of this thing.
Of course, those of us who have gone through a reboot know how shitty it is, not only for ourselves, because of the anguish of not being able to have an erection, but for our partners who weren't able to feel loved, desired, lusted over, connected.
All this to say that there is a kind of rebooter for whom porn is not like being a heroin addict. It's just some bad habit we picked up along the way, we didn't know it was bad for everyone involved and are able to quit cold turkey and move on once they understand about porn's ill effects. I know, an addiction is an addiction, but the mind frame is different.
On the other hand, there is also the other kind, who truly struggles with it like gambling, heroin, or alcohol. Those who truly suffer the need to go watch again and again and again, who feel shame afterwards, who waste fortunes to procure it for themselves, who start over every day, and who just can't walk away. That is a different story. That is a group that needs love, understanding, psychological and sometimes even psychiatric tools, and professional help.
I sincerely hope that your husband belongs to the first group and if he's willing, he will find a ton of resources here and perhaps at
Your Brain on Porn to reboot and leave porn behind. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Understand that he wasn't cheating on you, he was just kidding himself. If you are able, it truly helps a lot to talk it over and go through the reboot as a couple, judgments aside. You can reach a different place together and it will be great for the both of you.
I know you asked for a woman's perspective, and I am a guy, but perhaps there's something in these words that can help you cope. I went through
my reboot with the help and understanding of my loving wife and I can tell you it made us stronger as a couple and more in love with each other. There were some shitty challenges for the both of us along the way, yes, but the rewards were, and still are, bigger.
Much love.
. Give her time. She will know when it’s right to be back in the same room.