120 days hard mode...Journey to a Free Life

Where should I begin haha. Like many of you on this site porn has been a hindrance in my life for a very long time and I have suffered the negative effects of what comes along with it. The brain fog, the social anxiety, the this, the that, and the most fearful and dreaded of all...PIED. The latter has caused much self doubt, anxiety, lack of self confidence at times and missed opportunities throughout the years. I have tried many times over the years to kick this addiction but always end up falling back into porn. This journey will be the end of that.

A quick run down about me. I'm 36 years old and started on porn roughly around 13 or 14. That was back during the dial up days and when still photos were pretty much all that you could find. I also indulged in VHS tapes throughout my high school years and PMO'd pretty much every day. Porn was already changing my brain at this time and I didn't even know it. The first time I had sex (15) I went 20 mins and didn't even ejaculate due to us being interrupted. I thought I was the man for going so long but in reality I was already starting to be desensitized as that first time should've lasted all of 30 seconds haha. Looking back on it that was nothing more than DE due to PMO'ing so much. There were other successful conquests up until I was 17. That's when everything changed. I was at a friend's house, met a girl and when we went into the bathroom to do the nasty the limp noodle reared it's ugly head for the first of what would be many times. This was a complete shocker and blow to my confidence. A few weeks later, I was with a girl that everyone in the school wanted. Once again getting ready to do the nasty and I felt nothing down there. Another fail with no explanation. I was very into her but couldn't understand what was happening. From there rumors started and my confidence took a hit. This caused me to be very hesitant about approaching females and trying to proceed further as most of my friends were. Mind you I was a very well known individual, good looking by most females standards and had a lot of potential.

My college years were pretty much the same and I was on a campus surrounded by a bunch of beautiful women. Almost an all girls school when looking at the ratio of women to men. Knowing that PIED would more than likely rear its head I spent my college years avoiding approaching women with a fear if it got to that point I would only do nothing but embarrass myself. During this same time period I always seemed to be successful with one night stands or hook ups that had no emotional connection. I guess this was due to the novelty of it and not feeling the pressure to perform. Through my 20s and 30s this always seemed to be the case. Throughout the years I have also been in relationships but the sex was up and down because I battled with porn and PIED which caused a lot of inconsistencies and looking back on it probably caused a lot of other problems.

But one thing I do know is that refraining from porn and PMO will cause the man downstairs to work well. Back during my college years every summer I was always staying in a place where there was no computer or porn to PMO too. This was before smart phones (I don't even think the phone screens had color haha) and porn could not be accessed without a computer or VHS/DVD. Every summer when I was in a situation when sex arose I never had to think twice about him getting rock hard and having a successful encounter. And this was plenty of times. Even multiple sessions in the same night was not a problem. Of course there was no correlation between porn and PIED back then (early 2000s) but hindsight 20/20 I rarely PMO'd or MO'd during those summers and he always was ready to go no matter the situation. So for the ones on this site who are struggling with this addiction and PIED there is light at the end of the tunnel if you stick the course. And that is what I'm here to do.

I am going 120 days hard mode during this rebooting process. I am limiting my phone/internet use, will be exercising at least 4 times a week, will be utilizing box breathing techniques in the am, plan on getting good sleep and eating healthy. I will not be drinking alcohol or smoking during these 120 days. The plan is to do a complete dopamine reset. Even though I'm here due to PIED and kicking this addiction the overall goal is to be living a better life when it's all said and done.

I'm sure this post has bounced around and most of it is jumbled together but throughout this reboot feel free to comment and ask questions. I will be journaling everyday when I can as I feel this will be therapeutic in it's own sense and look forward to kicking this addiction and PIED's ass. I will also be commenting and giving encouragement on other's post.

TO A BETTER FUTURE W/O PORN
 
I didn't post the past few days but I PMO'd on Tuesday which took me back to 0. Which puts me at today. I listened to the audio version of Your Brain on Porn yesterday and that was a good rush of motivation.

Day 2

Woke up with about 20% morning wood. It went away as soon I stood up. I did do (2) 90 day stretches last year of no porn so results may vary as I go along.

Watched a David Goggins video and ready to move forward and let this go forever. Went back to the gym yesterday and today doing light workouts to get myself back into it.

Ate healthy today. Oatmeal and boiled eggs for breakfast, salad for lunch, chicken salad for dinner with fruits throughout the day and lots of water.

Tomorrow we do it again.
 

logicprox

Well-Known Member
I'm reading David Goggins's book Can't Hurt Me right now. It's pretty motivating and while not directed at PMO or addictions, a lot of the concepts he talks about in terms of taking control of your mind and body are pertinent. I recommend it.

Congrats on another clean day.
 
I'm reading David Goggins's book Can't Hurt Me right now. It's pretty motivating and while not directed at PMO or addictions, a lot of the concepts he talks about in terms of taking control of your mind and body are pertinent. I recommend it.

Congrats on another clean day.
Thanks Logic. I will have to check his book out. I think a lot of what he talks about in terms of controlling your mind and body go hand in hand with conquering this addiction.
 
About to put day 5 in the bag. Not too much to write about in the past few days but I will try to log an entry at least once a day to track progress. I hit the gym yesterday and today and did the 300 workout. Continuing to eat healthy as I have cut out fast food and most sugars/sweets. I have been consuming at least 2-3 fruit smoothies a day to curb eating a bunch of junk food while getting essential nutrients at the same time.

During these 5 days I have cut my time on the internet and phone tremendously which I feel has allowed me to self reflect more but also allowed my brain to rest a little. Tomorrow I will add box breathing exercises to my daily routine. Started doing these late last year after a recommendation from a friend but definitely will incorporate again in my daily journey.

Tomorrow we wake up and do it again.
 
Day 10

A few days have passed since I posted last. I made it 9 days without PMO but I O'd last night after sex. Im thinking about resetting my counter back to 0 since the goal is 120 days hard mode. I have not looked at porn or craved it at all.

Days 6,7,8,9 I had vary emotional states which felt crazy. One minute I'd be very confident and assertive and then I would feel down and child like. I have also had bad insomnia since my last post. To me this is good to a degree bc I know my brain and rebooting and its nothing but a withdrawal of not looking at porn.

I feel staying off the phone and not searching the internet as much has helped tremendously. The time seems to pass differently and my focus hasn't been on porn, how many days without, or how to beat this obstacle.

I've also been in the gym on the regular while still continuing to eat healthy. I have not consumed any alcohol since this started and haven't smoked in 8 days. All in all on the up and up.
 
Day 13 (Day 3-No O)

Woke up feeling good physically and psychologically. Still battling insomnia and not getting the rest that I should but I know this is apart of the process. I also woke up with a headache but it doesn't feel like a normal headache. It actually feels like its in the brain. Despite not getting a lot of rest I have been waking up with MW some mornings although very weak. But ay at least he's working on getting back to normal.

Still eating healthy and training has been going well. Many years off of working out can definitely set the body back. Im finding this out now lol but its all mind over matter so this I'll get through as well.

I haven't had any cravings for porn. The last 2 streaks of 90 that I did last year once I started it wasn't hard to stay away from it so I'm sure it will be the same here. I believe where I messed up both times was by setting a goal of 90 days and once I reached that goal is was like crossing the finish line of a race therefore in my mind I was done and let my guards down. This time there is no finish line just an endless race running away from this filth that is no good and only destroys.

I received David Goggins book so I plan on cracking that open in a few and strengthening my resolve and mind even more.

Here's to a good week of getting better.
 
Day 14 (Day 1 - No O)

Unfortunately I O'd yesterday via sex so I reset the O counter on my app. Its fucking crazy that when you start to do something different or anything thats better for you all of the forces of the world start to appear to make that accomplishment/task that much harder and trying. I'm still doing a 120 day hard mode reboot so this just pushes that date back 2 weeks. This isn't necessarily a bad thing since I still haven't watched or fapped to that bullshit porn so I'll have 134 days no porn once the reboot is over. I've learned to take that good with the bad. I do feel that he is dead down there now with these 2 Os in such a short span of time. I honestly think I've been in a flatline for many years with the fapping and overall lifestyle I had. This too shall pass though so not worried about that.

Still don't have any cravings for porn so thats a check in the win column. This minor headache or brain irritation is still there. Not worried about that either as I know its a part of the process. It actually feels like something is happening in the brain more so than it does a headache bc its very faint. I quit smoking (12days), alcohol (13days), and porn (14days) all cold turkey within a few days of each other. Looking back on it all 3 of these picked up very heavy for me around the same time close to 8-9 years ago when I was going through some things in life. I used these to cope instead of manning up and facing it head on but ay you live and you learn. Im sure my brain is shitting itself not getting any of the dopamine fixes. But once again only good can come out of this. I do feel that I'm able to face my anxiety a little better as of today and I can feel how I once used to be/move/feel before I starting heavily engaging in high speed porn the past few years. That probably doesn't make sense but its a feeling/glimpses of how I was before I think my brain really started taking on the effects of excessive porn consumption and fapping.

My healthy eating is still in tact but I've faded from the gym the past few days. Ill be back there tonight once I'm off from work. I plan on starting 2 a day workouts within the next week. I have some goals and things that have to be accomplished. Mentally I'm dreading this since I know what I takes doing this but I at least have to tap into my inner dog one last time before age will not allow me too.

I plan on opening this David Goggins book tonight at least for a little once the gym is complete. Its seems that there aren't enough hrs in the day to get everything done but I can remember when I had no motivation to do anything and would sit around and fap majority of the day so for that I won't complain.

Mind over Matter!!!!
 
Day 14 (Day 1 - No O)

Unfortunately I O'd yesterday via sex so I reset the O counter on my app. Its fucking crazy that when you start to do something different or anything thats better for you all of the forces of the world start to appear to make that accomplishment/task that much harder and trying. I'm still doing a 120 day hard mode reboot so this just pushes that date back 2 weeks. This isn't necessarily a bad thing since I still haven't watched or fapped to that bullshit porn so I'll have 134 days no porn once the reboot is over. I've learned to take that good with the bad. I do feel that he is dead down there now with these 2 Os in such a short span of time. I honestly think I've been in a flatline for many years with the fapping and overall lifestyle I had. This too shall pass though so not worried about that.

Still don't have any cravings for porn so thats a check in the win column. This minor headache or brain irritation is still there. Not worried about that either as I know its a part of the process. It actually feels like something is happening in the brain more so than it does a headache bc its very faint. I quit smoking (12days), alcohol (13days), and porn (14days) all cold turkey within a few days of each other. Looking back on it all 3 of these picked up very heavy for me around the same time close to 8-9 years ago when I was going through some things in life. I used these to cope instead of manning up and facing it head on but ay you live and you learn. Im sure my brain is shitting itself not getting any of the dopamine fixes. But once again only good can come out of this. I do feel that I'm able to face my anxiety a little better as of today and I can feel how I once used to be/move/feel before I starting heavily engaging in high speed porn the past few years. That probably doesn't make sense but its a feeling/glimpses of how I was before I think my brain really started taking on the effects of excessive porn consumption and fapping.

My healthy eating is still in tact but I've faded from the gym the past few days. Ill be back there tonight once I'm off from work. I plan on starting 2 a day workouts within the next week. I have some goals and things that have to be accomplished. Mentally I'm dreading this since I know what I takes doing this but I at least have to tap into my inner dog one last time before age will not allow me too.

I plan on opening this David Goggins book tonight at least for a little once the gym is complete. Its seems that there aren't enough hrs in the day to get everything done but I can remember when I had no motivation to do anything and would sit around and fap majority of the day so for that I won't complain.

Mind over Matter!!!!
Re-wiring to real sex isn’t a bad thing, if it’s working for you overall why the focus on a hard mode? Why not just stay off porn and masturbating completely and focus on enjoying the sex with your partner?
 
Re-wiring to real sex isn’t a bad thing, if it’s working for you overall why the focus on a hard mode? Why not just stay off porn and masturbating completely and focus on enjoying the sex with your partner?
I think that I need to reboot first to allow my brain to begin healing properly and then do the rewiring phase. The quality of my erections aren't where they should be and I still suffer from PIED. I feel that O'ing slows down the process from personal experience and reading some of the success stories here.
 
Day 15 (Day 2 - No O)

Woke up today with very weak MW but he was feeling somewhat alive so thats a good thing. Sleep is still horrible. I think I mightve got 5 hrs of sleep last night. The last reboot I did I battled insomnia for close to a month so expecting the same here.

Mental is all over the place and I still have that brain tingling sensation. Still no cravings for porn but at the same time I dont think about it as much either.

Hit the gym hard last night and was able to sit down and read some of Can't Hurt Me before bed. Seems this is going to be a good read.

To another day of staying porn free and continuing to grow and live better.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
It seems like you're killing it so far! Stay strong, and just believe it is 100x better on the other side of the fence after these issues you're experiencing subside.
 
Day 24 (Day 4 - No O)

I'm still trucking along. I havent posted in a while but I havent watched any porn but I did O from sex on Valentines day so that reset my O counter. I am still committed to doing 120 days of hard mode reboot as I feel this is most beneficial.

A good night's sleep has been hit or miss but I am waking up and hes awake some nights. MW has not been there in a while but thats ok bc it hasn't been there for a while anyways haha.

Nutrition and working out are still intact but I feel I need to up my game in other areas. I need to start meditating and plan on doing that beginning Monday morning on a consistent basis. 5am comes early and most days i want to hit the snooze button a few times before I get up but willpower and pushing ourselves comes at a cost. My phone usage has also increased since my last post. Most of it is looking up informational things but I dont think constantly looking at these pixels helps in anyway. If anyone out there knows how to change an android to a colorless screen please let me know.

To everyone out there..keep fighting!!!
 
Day 27(Day 1 - No O)

Weekend went pretty good. I felt productive even though I didn't have much to do lol. I did have a vivid dream Friday night. That hasn't happened in a while. I hit the track and gym Saturday and was able to get some box breathing exercises in which I plan on going back to making a part of my daily routine. I did a Wim Hof breathing exercise Saturday afternoon. That was a different but good experience. I will try to incorporate that atleast every week.

I reset my O counter again yesterday but am pushing forward to reach 120 hard mode. This is not an option and I'll have to invoke more will power in this area but for a good cause. Starting a week fast of only fruits, vegetables, nuts and water. This should strengthen my mind and resolve.

Still reading "Can't Hurt Me" and enjoying the read. There are good points in there (a lot which i knew) but it does make you dig deeper into yourself.

To a good week of no porn and continue to get better!!!
 
27 days - damn that's inspirational!

Sounds like you're making improvements in multiple areas of your life (diet, exercise, breathing exercises) at the same time.
I'll definitely be following your progress and looking for tips for my own journey!
 
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