No idea where to begin, so I’ll just start

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Thechief8271

New Member
Hey everyone,

First and foremost I wanted to ask if you all could please go easy on me and my post, this is very literally the first forum post I have ever made in my life. To find out I’m 28 years old and that’s the truth, will probably be shocking to some. But here I am now, beginning what is going to be an honest and open journaling of my fight with this thing.

So yea like I said I’m 28 years old, newly married about 4 months ago, and I struggle with an addiction to P. I have tried many times to just organically “do it less” but I don’t have to inform anyone in here how useless and unhelpful that was. I watch P daily since I was Probably about 14 yrs old or so. Over the years it’s just gotten to the point that I’m doing it at least once but usually twice and sometimes more just about every day. Since the pandemic hit and I started WFH full time, it’s gotten worse. And not just that I am doing it but also how I’m doing it. Hiding in the downstairs bathroom and shit, putting my beats in and edging under my work desk while I listen and casually watch at the same time. I mean wow, truly wow. I’m really down on myself, and my wife like kinda knows about my habits but also is like really good at shaming me and making me feel like shit so I’m struggling with the guilt and shame right now much more so than usual. The more I think about it though, the more I start to realize I feel like shit everyday and it’s because of P. it’s like all of a sudden I’ve woken up and become conscious of this almost innate behavior that I have been engaging in for so many years.

I really want to get better and stop. So today I promised myself I would stop and commit to 120 days at the minimum. Judging on stories I’ve read on here today, that’s won’t be easy. but I’ve always been the type of person to shoot for the stars and be okay with landing on the moon. My intent, however, is to start my reboot and not give up on it until I’m free of these shackles starting today. I already engaged in PMO early this morning, but have not since. Tomorrow will be day one, so here goes nothin.

Also, guys, thanks for sharing your stories and supporting each other on here. Even just reading your journals and replies has already given me so much motivation and hope.
 
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dopaminer

Member
Hey @Thechief8271, boy does your story sound familiar (are we the same guy?). Anyway, welcome to the forum! I honestly think just committing to the change and being open and honest about where you're at is such an important first step. I've told myself "oh, I should probably do this less" way too many times and was never successful at really quitting - and inevitably found myself sucked back in. I've really found that with just keeping up with my journal here, and following a very simple game-plan I've had a much stronger conviction to stop. I've also been a lot more aware of potential slip-ups where in the past I might have just said "ehhh, what's the big deal - it's just P, it's healthy! It'll feel good!" Now, I notice them and can redirect that attention and energy towards something else. You've taken the first step, now it's just important to focus on taking the second one.
 
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Thechief8271

New Member
Day 2 -
This morning was a little difficult. I had been in a pretty rigid routine of engaging in PMO so when that time came around it was like my biological clock knew it and my brain was tempting me. To stay strong I started reading a book instead. I also came to these forums to read people’s posts when I felt urges throughout the day. It helps for sure.

I also wrote a 4 page letter to my “wife” to like practice how I can loop her into this journey. We’ve known each other for 15 years, dated for 8 of them, and been married for about 5 months. While my use of porn in general is not really a “secret”, the frequency and dependence on its use feels like one. I haven’t experienced any functional issues in our own bedroom activities. The issue is more about the way I have been conditioned to understand sex and intimacy. Over lusting of her body, “using” sex when maybe I need something else, lacking the ability to be intimate outside of physical sex, those kinds of things. I’m not sure how she will react so for now the letter sits on my desk. I realize this is super early in my process so probably don’t need to push it today.

Anyways, thanks for listening/reading today’s entry.
 
Fappy

Fappy

Respected Member
ahhhhhh yes... the moment when one wakes up and see just how much porn has fucked them up... the memories... (mostly bad memories).
its fantastic that you now see the root cause and know how to fix it! a lot of guys arent even aware of this thing we call a reboot and they just keep coasting through life wondering whats going on.
try to keep as busy as you possibly can so thoughts of porn cant even enter your mind much less take hold of you. and keep a vigilant eye out for those things that trigger your urge to PMO. they can come from anywhere when you least expect. try your best to avoid social media, its a veritable swamp of sexually suggestive content and is a minefield for triggers.
 
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Thechief8271

New Member
Day 3
Successfully fought through a few triggers this morning. Has been hard to break the daily routine. I’ve found that changing my workspace up when I get these urges helps. Not sure why it helps, but it does. I will say that I’ve been feeling way more down on myself than usual, but I am hopeful that this overall process will allow me to actually have some self esteem when it’s all said and done. All I can do is fight on day, one moment, one trigger at a time so that’s what I intend to do as best as I possibly can.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Welcome! If you truly want this, and I mean really want this, you can completely eliminate porn out of your life forever. You might make a few mistakes here and there, but you can rise higher and higher if you learn from them and press on. You've taken the first big step just realizing and admitting you have problem. Nice job.
 
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