Hello everyone

Today is day 27.

I think I made a breakthrough or a realization.

After having a talk with my wife, and the latter that day this is what I came to realize.

First and foremost I want to acknowledge how much my addiction has hurt my wife.

Now here I go.
Question? Why 18 year olds.
Well the truth is that the age really didn’t mater to me. Internet porn in my opinion is mostly loaded with, young women. And we are bombarded with that geondra.
This is what hit me like a brick. I was searching for things that reminded me of my wife. Holy crap.
I was looking for images that had there vagina trimmed the same way as my wife,
That had the same Libya, same tint, the same number, the same nippes, boobs and overall shape.
But the real question is not age, geondra or anything like that.
For me it was “POWER “ i felt like my life was out of control, I was afraid of my wife, she had all the power, and I wanted to feel like I was in the position of power.

I wanted to feel like I was in control.
That I held the power.
That I was in-charge of my life, my wants, and my needs.

Now don’t get me wrong. My wife never controlled, or tried to prevent me from doing or having anything I wanted. But I was scared of how she would react if I said or did something that would upset her. I was tariffed to say or do the wrong thing.
These where all on me. I loved her so much that I became so dependent on her for me to be happy that I was the real reason that I felt powerless, like I had no control on my life.

So I turned to porn so I could feel like I was the one in control, I held the power.
That doesn’t mean that I wanted to control or be the boss of my wife.
It means that I wanted to have control of my life, my decisions and my wants and needs.

Porn gave me this sens of power, control over my life.
I realized that looking at women that reminded me of my wife involved in sexual acts gave me that sens of power and control.
( when I look at my wife I still see her the way she looked when I met her, she was and still is a bomb shel to me )( I am getting butterflies in my stomach as I wright this now. I lust my wife.)

I know I when the of topic but my brain is just jumping from one thought to another.

Next question?
Why do you not want to have sex with me anymore?
Well the truth is I do want to make love to you but after I look at porn I hate myself, I feel undeserving and I feel disgusting to my self. So as much as I want I can’t.
I a way I felt like I had just cheated on my wife.

This is what went through my mind every time I looked at porn.
Why am I doing this.
Why do I need this, my wife is beautiful, she’s a great lover, she’s amazing and she makes my engine roar.
So why?
Because I needed to find a sens of power, control and calmness in my life.
Porn gave me this for the time I was looking at it.
But afterwards it really made me powerless.

I lost my wife, the women I lust for, the women I love, my best friend.
I realize that I lost myself, I became dependent on her. That was not fair to her.
She held the power over my happiness. That’s to much pressure for anyone to handle.
I think that she did the same to me. She held me so high on a pedestal that when I messed up that her world crumbled. They call this co- dependency.
This is not a good thing in relationships. I know now that she and I need to fix this before we would ever have a chance to be together ever again.

The only difference in the hole situation is I had an addiction and she did not.
My addiction ruined all hope to have a healthy relationship.

I now understand what and why I was looking at porn.
Now I can, or I feel I can focus my efforts on taking control and bringing me back to where I have power over my addiction.

We hold the power.
We have the control over how our future will go and the way we will love ourselves and others.

Be honest to yourself , with others, at all times. DO NOT STRAY.
If we lie in any way or form we sabotage our recovery with negativity.

Stay strong.