To anyone reading this

Dumb

Member
Hi everyone, before I start with this thread I apologise for my English. I hope everything I will write it will make sense. I guess I am older than many of you here as I am a 45 years old man. I had a very troubled life with an abusive (unfortunately even sexually) and traumatic childhood, rough adolescence and so on. It has always been a struggle. Somehow I managed to have healthy relationships here and there but I often had to face my inner demons from the past and to confront bad beahaviours I had like smoking pot daily for years and yes, daily furious consumption of pornography. Oh and i was given antidepressants for a while... I mean, you could think this is a desperate case but please don't be harsh on me. I have a job, friends and a woman who is living with me since 2019 and we love each other. My sex life with her has never been really satysfying and i was never able to find out what the root cause is. I guess it is a mix of factors. I had a below my belt examination and everything is fine. It is just that i cant get excited. I never thought porn was an issue until i tried to quit and felt so bad but, looking back, when i was able to abstain for a month or so i found myself aroused by her and i was able to have sex (though not as good as it should be). It wad encouraging though. Then, not being able to face all the issues in my life (I spare you with that but I assure there is a lot going on, as always) I watched a lot of porn. And, by saying a lot, I mean daily consumption of two hours. Fun fact is i cant even get an erection with that. But guess what... I forced myself to masturbate and to have these non pleasurable orgasms. It s a real bad habit. I still remember all the wasted days waiting to wank in front of the screen before bed time. What a compulsive behaviour. I feel ashamed but I want to stay positive thinking at those streaks i had without porn and the pretty nice sex I had (if it wasnt just a placebo effect). If anyone could give me some encouragement or spit some truth I would gladly read it.
Thanks in advance.
I know porn is not my only issue but i know it is a huge huge issue.
I just need to think there is hope.
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Hi everyone, before I start with this thread I apologise for my English. I hope everything I will write it will make sense. I guess I am older than many of you here as I am a 45 years old man. I had a very troubled life with an abusive (unfortunately even sexually) and traumatic childhood, rough adolescence and so on. It has always been a struggle. Somehow I managed to have healthy relationships here and there but I often had to face my inner demons from the past and to confront bad beahaviours I had like smoking pot daily for years and yes, daily furious consumption of pornography. Oh and i was given antidepressants for a while... I mean, you could think this is a desperate case but please don't be harsh on me. I have a job, friends and a woman who is living with me since 2019 and we love each other. My sex life with her has never been really satysfying and i was never able to find out what the root cause is. I guess it is a mix of factors. I had a below my belt examination and everything is fine. It is just that i cant get excited. I never thought porn was an issue until i tried to quit and felt so bad but, looking back, when i was able to abstain for a month or so i found myself aroused by her and i was able to have sex (though not as good as it should be). It wad encouraging though. Then, not being able to face all the issues in my life (I spare you with that but I assure there is a lot going on, as always) I watched a lot of porn. And, by saying a lot, I mean daily consumption of two hours. Fun fact is i cant even get an erection with that. But guess what... I forced myself to masturbate and to have these non pleasurable orgasms. It s a real bad habit. I still remember all the wasted days waiting to wank in front of the screen before bed time. What a compulsive behaviour. I feel ashamed but I want to stay positive thinking at those streaks i had without porn and the pretty nice sex I had (if it wasnt just a placebo effect). If anyone could give me some encouragement or spit some truth I would gladly read it.
Thanks in advance.
I know porn is not my only issue but i know it is a huge huge issue.
I just need to think there is hope.
Hello Brother,

Glad you are here and you have found the right place. First, you're not alone and many men here have had issues with pornography, sex addiction, sexting, compulsively seeking out different sexual encounters, etc. Secondly, many men here have had traumatic pasts and addiction, in all its many forms. However, I digress and should only speak for myself. There are many similarities between what you have written and my own experience.

Truth is you are courageous enough to start the experience by posting here to start the process of healing. What has happened because of your pornography consumption and other addictive behaviors is that your limbic system and dopaminergic pathways in your brain have become desensitized to "normal" sexual encounters. That is a simplified version of the "why" as to what you are experiencing.
Everyone's healing journey is going to look different. What has been helpful to me is reading about the effects of pornography use and how it's affected my brain, the ways pornography has affected my views of women and healthy sexuality, and how pornography has affected my own self worth and adequacy as a sexual being.

My journey is about confronting root causes of my pornography use which is riddled with character defects (lying, deception, shame, deep seated feelings of inadequacy, and essentially leading a double life).

I want to offer you encouragement and support with the utmost respect that you are not alone.

Big hug in the handshake. You're welcome and accepted here.
 

Blondie

Well-Known Member
"Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of this courageous man's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."

A daily Tyler Durden inspirational quote never does anyone harm. But truly, you're standing on the threshold of a new beginning by your bravery of admitting where you're at and how you want to stop. That is a beautiful thing my man, keep it up. An angel in heaven celebrates every time a man starts his journey from wanker to hero.
 
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Dumb

Member
Thank you for your kind reply. I guess in my situation a lot has to do with anxiety and distress but I guess that giving up porn will only bring good things in my life. If it won't treat everything it will at least take care of all porn related problems. I still dont know if my low libido is only porn related but i guess that it has something to do with that if abstaining from both porn and masturbation had me having sex after a couple of weeks. Anyway i am pretty scared from what awaits me. I am at a point where i dont even remember what a good and healthy sexuality is.
 
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Dumb

Member
your life will get so much better and more enjoyable once you quit porn. FACT.
Thank you for your words of entouragement. I wish Anna Lembke was right when she said "one month of abstinence will do the job" but I guess it will take a lot longer.
I won't bother you guys with my rants though. I just hope to feel good soon
 
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Dumb

Member
Hey, if you've read Dr. Lembke, maybe read this: https://flying-eagle-method.org/
I am the author of that site and am 5 months free. Age 41. I hope it clicks for you and motivates you. Good luck.
Thank you, I am reading it now. I am actually pretty scared... i had a dream tonight where I had sex but as I woke up I am totally non responsive. As I mentioned early maybe my issues are not all porn related but porn is definitely an issue
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Thank you for your words of entouragement. I wish Anna Lembke was right when she said "one month of abstinence will do the job" but I guess it will take a lot longer.
I won't bother you guys with my rants though. I just hope to feel good soon
It’s not a bother! Ranting helps. Rant as much as you feel like, we will read it and offer advice as much as we can
 

Dumb

Member
It’s not a bother! Ranting helps. Rant as much as you feel like, we will read it and offer advice as much as we can

Thank you for the chance to talk. Well, it is also a little bit embarassing for me being older and maybe stupid because I should have known better that porn was harming. Younger guys have the inexperience by their side but me, in my 40's? What was I thinking masturbating to porn? I feel ashamed and also worried because now i am at a point where no visual image turn me on and that is weird. I really cant get excited by anything, and of course real sex is non existent. Plus, and also this is embarassing, i feel like my penis is smaller and smaller. I dreamt about having sex a couple of nights ago and i dont know if that is a good sign. I woke up with some morning wood that lasted one minute or so but again it seemed my penis was smaller. I mean... porn can do all of this? The only thing that keeps me going is that I remember that after some abstinence I regained some sort of sexual activity. And then i relapsed. What a dumb guy. I just wish i could speed up time or that what some doctors say ("one month of abstinence is enough") was true but i guess it will be a very long journey.
 

Carl_Smith

Active Member
Ah, you're talking about the flatline. I don't think Lembke was talking specifically about that, but more of your general mood. I think your mood can improve very quickly after quitting porn, but the ED/flatline is highly variable, I've seen 1-6 months but also some guys on 2 years so I don't even know what to estimate for that. But definitely guys who edge for hours can get shriveled up and have long flatlines, from a few stories I see.

My flatline was 45 days and I was probably a "light" case, I didn't do hours a day or the extreme fetishes.

I personally felt the biggest benefit from quitting porn was getting my freedom and brain function back.
 
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Blondie

Well-Known Member
Don't beat yourself up too much man. Yeah it sucks where you're at, but that's just the reality of your "current" situation, and trust me, it will get better. That's a part of this journey, you have to be able to see the forest from the trees. I know exactly how it feels to look at a naked woman, or worse, my beautiful girl, and feel absolutely nothing downstairs. If that's not a catalyst for change for any man either 20 or 60, I don't know what would be. This process just takes time, and if it was easy or automatic, none of us would be here, ferociously scavenging the internet wondering why our dicks are flapping at half-masts. And yes porn can absolutely fuck up your brain like that, and unfortunately, our society tells us this aberration in human sexuality is perfectly okay. Thus, you shouldn't beat yourself up too much concerning your age, at least not that much. Everyone here has bought into this societal lie (either young or old), but since we can't change the past, there's no real reason pondering it too much. But what you decide to do with your newfound knowledge can most definitely change your future.

You got this man.
 

Dumb

Member
Don't beat yourself up too much man. Yeah it sucks where you're at, but that's just the reality of your "current" situation, and trust me, it will get better. That's a part of this journey, you have to be able to see the forest from the trees. I know exactly how it feels to look at a naked woman, or worse, my beautiful girl, and feel absolutely nothing downstairs. If that's not a catalyst for change for any man either 20 or 60, I don't know what would be. This process just takes time, and if it was easy or automatic, none of us would be here, ferociously scavenging the internet wondering why our dicks are flapping at half-masts. And yes porn can absolutely fuck up your brain like that, and unfortunately, our society tells us this aberration in human sexuality is perfectly okay. Thus, you shouldn't beat yourself up too much concerning your age, at least not that much. Everyone here has bought into this societal lie (either young or old), but since we can't change the past, there's no real reason pondering it too much. But what you decide to do with your newfound knowledge can most definitely change your future.

You got this man.
Thank you, Blondie, for your wise words. As I said I am thinking at those times when I had pretty normal sex with her but then stupidly relapsed. I want to think at those times as something I could reach again (again, sorry if i cant express properly but English is not my mother tongue). Another thing I am pretty scared about is doctors saying we should ejaculate often in order to have our prostate safe. But then again... no reaction down there
 

Dumb

Member
Ah, you're talking about the flatline. I don't think Lembke was talking specifically about that, but more of your general mood. I think your mood can improve very quickly after quitting porn, but the ED/flatline is highly variable, I've seen 1-6 months but also some guys on 2 years so I don't even know what to estimate for that. But definitely guys who edge for hours can get shriveled up and have long flatlines, from a few stories I see.

My flatline was 45 days and I was probably a "light" case, I didn't do hours a day or the extreme fetishes.

I personally felt the biggest benefit from quitting porn was getting my freedom and brain function back.
Thanks for letting me know. I didnt escalate that much either but it seems i was vulnerable. Who knows
 

Blondie

Well-Known Member
Thank you, Blondie, for your wise words. As I said I am thinking at those times when I had pretty normal sex with her but then stupidly relapsed. I want to think at those times as something I could reach again (again, sorry if i cant express properly but English is not my mother tongue). Another thing I am pretty scared about is doctors saying we should ejaculate often in order to have our prostate safe. But then again... no reaction down there
Don't worry about your English, it's very good. And about "stupidly relapsing" I know all about that, as do most of us here. Unfortunately, relapsing is part of this whole process, and that's just the truth. The important thing is what you learn from your relapse, and using that information to help you in the future.

You definitely can reach those times/streaks again. I think continuing to post here will help you too. Stay strong
 

Dumb

Member
Don't worry about your English, it's very good. And about "stupidly relapsing" I know all about that, as do most of us here. Unfortunately, relapsing is part of this whole process, and that's just the truth. The important thing is what you learn from your relapse, and using that information to help you in the future.

You definitely can reach those times/streaks again. I think continuing to post here will help you too. Stay strong
Thank you very much, Blondie. I am using this days to read and get educated about porn problems. I got to know what Dr. Carlo Foresta said :"recovery is possible within a few months"... I hope so. These days I woke up with a timid erection that lasted a couple of minutes. I am far far away from being able to have sex or masturbate. It really seems like I am dead down there and I can't even fantasize about girls in the movies (not porn movies). I feel like my brain shut down. That's really sad. I don't know how you guys got through this but I really admire you. Back in my head it resonates this :"use it or lose it"... well, i am not using it so that 's scary. I also know that depression shut sex down and maybe i am very depressed and anxious. I just wish to feel something, a glimpse of hope, and I am very angry with myself for that self indulgence trying to test me with porn.
In your experience did you often found people not responsive even to porn anymore?
 

Blondie

Well-Known Member
Everything you are experiencing (and not to belittle that), is something everyone here has experienced, and still is experiencing. For example, today I woke up with a rock hard boner (better than it's been forever!) but if you look on my journal, even a few weeks ago, I was having major problems in bed, nothing was working, and was completely freaking out about it. That's just part of the process and it's something you just have to accept. You say "I feel like my brain shut down", let me tell you my man, that's a great thing. The reason it's shut down is because it was riding a sexual high (an artificial high) that is completely unsustainable in the long run. Your brain needs to shut down until it can recover. These are all good things in the long run, but it's hard to see that truth in the midst of the battlefield. You got this. And no matter what, looking at porn to see if your man is okay, is the absolute worst thing you could do for yourself (not that you were thinking about doing that). You just have to give it time. You got this!
 

Dumb

Member
Losing some hope reading here and there about guys in flatline for years and feeling they are incurable. I woke up with some inconsistent boners these days and i kinda "cried" feeling my penis so weird with the head not full of blood. The only good thing is that all these years i woke up with no erections whatsoever so i should sew this as a little improvement but i cant because i feel i am in a cycle of anxiety and blaming myself. It s too bad when a man is punished with his sexuality. Maybe i could feel less stress if i was single but i am not, and fearing that this could end my relationship is awful
 

Blondie

Well-Known Member
If you're already seeing signs of improvement down there, then most likely, you won't be one of those rare cases of flatlining for years. I would suggest not reading those long flatline reports for some time and start reading some positive ones, there are many!

I wish you the best in regards to your relationship. You got this.
 

Dumb

Member
Yes I know I should be grateful for the little improvements but life doesnt wait for you and now i am totally useless sexually
 
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