Finally, I'm doing this…

Ezel

Active Member
First, I'm new here, even though I found out about this forum a year ago.

i was always reading behind the scenes stories of rebooters, to get me through my pmo addiction.

Finding this forum wouldn't be possible without me reading Garry Wilson's book Your Brain on porn.

I went through the book like a hot knife through butter. I felt like Gary was talking to me, and every sentence I read resonated with me.

In the final pages as the end was near, I felt bad cuz finishing a great book is like ending a friendship with your best friend.

But luckily he recommended gabe demm’s forum, and that’s how i found this great community.

Now I finally have the courage to write down my story, and I hope someone will learn from it and find it useful.

Some context first…

My first interaction with porn was in my teens, I don't recall exactly which year but differently when I was in secondary school.

It was through a fb nude picture of a woman, and that’s when my brain got hijacked and my brain was never the same ever since.

My brain was still developing. Science shows that a man’s brain is fully developed when he reaches 28, and getting stimulated by a picture like that was not helping in that development at all.

Deep down in me I knew that looking at naked women was wrong, but all that my monkey brain cared for is the dopamine hiit to get him relaxed again, if I didn't I would feel very stressed out by the bone.

So i had to relieve the stress by edging through nudes. At that time I wasn't aware of what’s going on in my head. And that my brain was playing tricks on me to get me to watch pictures, even though i knew it wasn't matching with my morality.

This resulted in a war inside my head, between p and my morals, and every battle was won by p, and that was expected.

Cuz it’s like that metaphor of the bad wolf and the good wolf, and whoever wins is the one you feed most, and the bad wolf who gets fed the most.

And it all went from there like a snowball down the hill.

My brain got bored with nudes, and with that i surfed the internet looking for what will silence that dopamine seeking voice in my head, and look no further, when you look for something especially like porn you will find it, it’s just a click away.

I didn’t know back then what was porn, that’s how innocent I was, i just kept clicking and clicking, typing and typing search terms, till i finally found tube sites with millions of videos.

And man, my brain was hooked immediately, i was very shocked with what i saw, especially for a teen like i was, who never had a sexual experience in his life.

I would go to my room and close the door and edge through videos, and when anyone would come near my room i would switch tabs and pretend i was studying.

I became paranoid of getting caught, cuz i knew again that this is wrong, i always knew by listening to that voice in the back of my head telling me this is not you, why are you doing this.

But ignored it every time, cuz my dopamine seeking voice was louder and getting stronger with every minute i watch porn.

By this time I had just found out about porn, and by watching it I was looking to relieve my brain stress, but it wasn’t enough. I was just watching porn without orgasming and mastarbating.

Again I didn't know what masterbating or orgasming was.

So my mind gets so stressed out by the amount of porn I watched, and it had to release it someway, and that’s how i masturbated for the first time.

It happened one night as I was in my bed, holding the phone in my hand watching some nudes, touching myself and felt this great sensation till i orgasemed and cum.

But after that feeling, all is left is this feeling of shame and disgust that will take over, and my dopamine seeking voice will retreat to the back of my mind after he got what he was looking for.
And that’s when every time i went to bed, my brain kind of created this brain pattern of “masturbate to sleep, if you don't do it i will just make you awake till the morning, till i get you crazy”.

I don’t want this post to be much longer than it already is, so I will continue the journal tomorrow.

And to also create this habit in my mind to write every day, to rewire it towards useful habits that I hope will take the place of those filthy porn pathways branching through my brain.

So stay strong and see you tomorrow.peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
PART 2==

Watching this filth resulted in many downsides in my life.

Back then, as a teen I was doing great at school, I was one of the best in my class, my grades were excellent.

The shift happened in my senior year in high school, as my consumption of p increased.

My grades got worse and worse, cuz my brain was so overwhelmed with the p, till it couldn't concentrate on studying.

I was surprised by the person I had turned into, I was an introvert and still to this day, but being one didn’t stop me from having a friend or two.

But in my final year in high school, and with the amount of porn I watched, it became all I needed in my life.

I was done with friends, or going out to play soccer with them, I would just tell them I'm sick to stay at home and pmo.

I was miserable and couldn't stand that situation any more.

Like al pacino said in scent of a woman movie:

”I always knew what the right path was, I always knew, but I never took it, you know why? Because it was too damn hard”

I knew that watching this filth was sucking the life out of me, and I had to do something about it, but back then I didn't know what was going on inside my head.

Every time I tried to quit I failed, my brain would be stressed out and the only thing that would get him to relax is to pmo.

So every attempt to get out of that rabbit hole would not work, and I just keep falling and falling to the deepest points ever.

By going back to watching porn, it becomes harder to quit, and those nervous pathways will become stronger to get out.

Cuz this filth is a supernormal stimulus, and my brain wouldn’t get enough of it, every time i go back to it, my brain just demands more and more and it won’t be satisfied with it.

So it just kept telling me to feed him more, thank god i didn’t escalate to some weird crap, i just kept watching plain vanilla sex scene, but with my brain getting aroused and aroused, those scenes couldn’t do the thrick any more, so i watched the hardcore stuff.

I always knew there is more extreme stuff out there, but it just wasn’t my cup of tea, and would very likely be turned off by it, and watching it would be a red line that my morals will never cross.

But the contradiction was I kept watching the normal stuff even though I knew that my morals didn't approve of it, cuz my brain got hijacked and addicted to that dopamine tsunami. So my morals didn’t have any chance in winning the battle, and knowing that kept me miserable and frustrated af.

I always read stories on this forum about guys having pied, de and ed.
The good news is i never experienced one of those, maybe the cause is i never escalated to that kinky stuff, or who knows maybe i have it but i can’t tell, cuz i’m a virgin and still haven’t touched a woman before, so my first sexual experience with a woman will tell me if i have one of those, but i very doubted, i don’t know why i just can feel it.

The bad news is I have pe, which is in this forum not that many guys talk about it, I can recall just a few threads when I heard guys discuss it.

By reading those threads, I now understand how I developed it. It was when I was afraid to get caught mustardrating as a teen to porn, scared of my parents entering my room as I was doing it and seeing me touching myself.

So my brain gets accustomed to that habit every time I watch porn and my penis will ejaculate fast to not get caught doing it.

Now i can’t tell if by having sex with a woman i will pe, cuz watching porn and making love to a woman is so much different, i still can get hard and i experience hard morning woods very frequently.

But like I said , I will never know till the first interaction happens.

I just hope I will be cured from this filth when I get there, and never have to worry about it.

Today is day 2 of no pmo in my third attempt is quitting.

I hope it will work out and won’t turn out like my first and second reboot went.

More about that tomorrow, stay hard.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Fast Forward, I graduated high school with low grades, it didn’t surprise me at all.

Because all I did when people were studying was getting stressed out by studying and going to pmo to relieve the stress.

My family and friends were shocked by those grades, cuz they knew I was so capable of achieving higher grades.

When other guys were going to the best schools of engineering and cool stuff like that, I went to a free college because of my low grades. The best schools won’t accept me because of my grades.

Going through that phase in my first year at college and knowing that I could have achieved more, and go to the best schools instead of ending up here, was getting on my nerves.

I was very frustrated by that, and My porn habits were still the same.
porn was the only thing that will make me forget my current situation, like smoking a joint to forget your problems instead of facing them and owning your shit like a man.

Doing that just made things worse than they already are.

Instead of living the moment and accepting what happened, my brain was still trapped in the past, always reminding me of what I could have been, just to get me stressed to get me to watch porn to relax.

After I mustarbated, I would be left with a feeling of shame and disgust with myself, instead of the dopamine wave I was riding just 2 seconds ago.

And this kept going on and on through my whole 3 years in college.

Eventually I left college, I couldn't validate one single semester, all the guys I knew back then were killing it, they made it look so easy.

Again all that overthinking made me so stressed out and guess what my brain will tell me “you will never achieve what those guys achieved, you are a loser, your life is a mistake, soooooo, why won’t you open a tab and watch some porn, it won’t make a difference”.

Man, it was the lowest point I reached in my life, so I searched for a job before quitting college. As soon as I got the job I dropped out of college and never returned ever again.

The job was a low paying one, the kind a college drop out with only a high school diploma will get, a 9 to 5 shitty job with so much labor work, I hated every task I was given, knowing that this is not where I belong.

But who cares, no one gives af, they don’t care about what you should have been, they only see the diploma you have nothing else.

I was ashamed of myself and where I ended up. Sometimes when I see someone who I went to college with or in high school, I would go to the back office or somewhere else and hide till they left.

After work I would go home and watch porn when my family left the house, and binge watch videos opening multiple tabs, to decide which one I would finish with.

Most videos i watch were from p stars that i followed, and every now and then i would check if they uploaded some new content, even though i don’t have the urge to musterbate, just out of curiosity.

But as soon as i go in, i get stuck in there binge watching (when my family had left the house) not for many hours cuz i would feel my hard penis flowing with high pressure blood, and just with a single touch i would ejaculate, that’s what is known as premature ejaculation, the one i talked about yesterday in the post above.

After my first year at work, I decided to quit p, I had enough with this shit.

I now know that’s the thing responsible for how my life turned out to be.

All the downsides, from not having the courage to talk or look a girl in her eyes, to having pe, to dropping out from college, to the omega male i become, to not having friends like i used to, to not having the slightest bits of free will to control my brain and tell him what to do instead of the other way around, to wasting those years watching porn instead on working on myself and be the best i could be, to not be able to start my business that i had in mind since i left college (telling myself i could be like zucks who left college and started fb) and got a shitty job instead to get by.

That’s when I started googling how to quit porn and that’s how my journey began.

To be continued.

See you tomorrow, stay strong.

day 3 no porn, no mo.

Ezel.
 
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Fappy

Respected Member
hi, its really a great habit to update your reboot status daily. it helps get all that baggage caused by porn out of your head and it keeps you busy.
 

Ezel

Active Member
My quest in quitting porn, started with a google search.

And the first result on the page was yourbrainonporn.com.

So i downloaded the book and started reading it, it was thrilling to read tbh, you just can’t let go.

Every day I would read more than the previous day. The book is a gold mine, rich with scientific experiments and stories of rebooters, who crossed the porn river to the other side and made it happen.

Just reading those testimonials of rebooters was enough to convince me that if they did it and put this thing behind, I can do it as well.

Most of those rebooters recovered from severe cases of pied, de and ed, just by abstaining from porn, in my case i didn’t experience that extreme situation.

But as i mentioned earlier i have pe, which i consider is less complicated than pied and de, at least i can have a hard erection and eventually will cum. Those guys didn’t even get it up, and their ejaculation will be way too delayed.

But the downside for me is I ejaculate too fast, and after reading those pied stories from rebooters who abstained from porn for at least 90 days, and witnessing first results of having high libido and getting their erections to be hard and stronger with leaving porn behind. I became sure that all I need is to go through the 90 days challenge and after that I'm free.

So i kept myself off the screen from the first day i started reading the book ybon, i finished the book in less than a week, but thank god i kept my streak clean even though i had my share of downsides and withdrawal symptoms that comes with quitting any addiction, like having strong urges and this is where reading ybon comes in handy, cuz by reading the book i understood what games my brain will play on me when i start the reboot.

As the days passed the urges become stronger and stronger, like having Pornographic flashbacks and sexual dreams, also my Horniness was through the roof, add the sexual cravings, and sexual thoughts and urges to use porn and/or masturbate.

I knew all that in advance, that’s what made fighting it back (i’m not going to say easy) challenging and eye opening on the fact that i can control my junkie brain.

And having this forum when I was overwhelmed with the tricks my mind played on me was very useful when I was very close to giving in.

I would always come here when I was at my lowest points to read the stories of rebooters fighting this filthy drug, and all the challenges they were facing and the downsides and upsides they were having.

That kept me going and pushing on, and after a month of my reboot or maybe less i started seeing results.

Again I don't have some extreme case of pied, but knowing the fact that my life is not what I want it to be, is what made that first month of my reboot possible and the results showed up after all.

I became so energetic and felt like I could move mountains, but instead I just kept working out everyday, and made sure I'm sticking with it every morning when I wake up.
Speaking of waking up, I experienced morning woods like never before. I would hide them by putting up my penis vertically in my sweatpants to avoid being seen by my family members. That's how strong my morning woods were and still to this day but not like in the first month of my reboot.

Those first morning woods were phenomenal, if i stroke my penis just once i would cum for sure, but again i had pe and doing that will not help me at all in curing it, so i just let it till it went back to its normal state ( it took about 30 min, how about that, the longest hard erection time i had).

I also experienced wet dreams like 3 times in a month, because of not mustarbating so my body had to look for another way to release the semens.

My social skills were developing as well. At work I could talk to female customers for longer than I used to, with maintaining eye contact and without stuttering when I spoke.

And the list goes on, that’s just the few i can recall from the first month on my reboot in the first attempt of quitting porn.

I hope I can remember more, but that’s a story for another day.

Day 4 no p, no mo.

Till I see you tomorrow, stay hard. peace
.

Ezel.
 
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Fappy

Respected Member
My quest in quitting porn, started with a google search.

And the first result on the page was yourbrainonporn.com.

So i downloaded the book and started reading it, it was thrilling to read tbh, you just can’t let go.

Every day I would read more than the previous day. The book is a gold mine, rich with scientific experiments and stories of rebooters, who crossed the porn river to the other side and made it happen.

Just reading those testimonials of rebooters was enough to convince me that if they did it and put this thing behind, I can do it as well.

Most of those rebooters recovered from severe cases of pied, de and ed, just by abstaining from porn, in my case i didn’t experience that extreme situation.

But as i mentioned earlier i have pe, which i consider is less complicated than pied and de, at least i can have a hard erection and eventually will cum. Those guys didn’t even get it up, and their ejaculation will be way too delayed.

But the downside for me is I ejaculate too fast, and after reading those pied stories from rebooters who abstained from porn for at least 90 days, and witnessing first results of having high libido and getting their erections to be hard and stronger with leaving porn behind. I became sure that all I need is to go through the 90 days challenge and after that I'm free.

So i kept myself off the screen from the first day i started reading the book ybon, i finished the book in less than a week, but thank god i kept my streak clean even though i had my share of downsides and withdrawal symptoms that comes with quitting any addiction, like having strong urges and this is where reading ybon comes in handy, cuz by reading the book i understood what games my brain will play on me when i start the reboot.

As the days passed the urges become stronger and stronger, like having Pornographic flashbacks and sexual dreams, also my Horniness was through the roof, add the sexual cravings, and sexual thoughts and urges to use porn and/or masturbate.

I knew all that in advance, that’s what made fighting it back (i’m not going to say easy) challenging and eye opening on the fact that i can control my junkie brain.

And having this forum when I was overwhelmed with the tricks my mind played on me was very useful when I was very close to giving in.

I would always come here when I was at my lowest points to read the stories of rebooters fighting this filthy drug, and all the challenges they were facing and the downsides and upsides they were having.

That kept me going and pushing on, and after a month of my reboot or maybe less i started seeing results.

Again I don't have some extreme case of pied, but knowing the fact that my life is not what I want it to be, is what made that first month of my reboot possible and the results showed up after all.

I became so energetic and felt like I could move mountains, but instead I just kept working out everyday, and made sure I'm sticking with it every morning when I wake up.
Speaking of waking up, I experienced morning woods like never before. I would hide them by putting up my penis vertically in my sweatpants to avoid being seen by my family members. That's how strong my morning woods were and still to this day but not like in the first month of my reboot.

Those first morning woods were phenomenal, if i stroke my penis just once i would cum for sure, but again i had pe and doing that will not help me at all in curing it, so i just let it till it went back to its normal state ( it took about 30 min, how about that, the longest hard erection time i had).

I also experienced wet dreams like 3 times in a month, because of not mustarbating so my body had to look for another way to release the semens.

My social skills were developing as well. At work I could talk to female customers for longer than I used to, with maintaining eye contact and without stuttering when I spoke.

And the list goes on, that’s just the few i can recall from the first month on my reboot in the first attempt of quitting porn.

I hope I can remember more, but that’s a story for another day.

Day 4 no p, no mo.

Till I see you tomorrow, stay hard. peace
.

Ezel.
It’s really great that you have already seen results. It’s just proof that what you’re doing is the most powerful method, in fact the only method, to overcome your addiction. And trust me, the results you’ll get after going a little longer will be even better!
 

Ezel

Active Member
You're absolutely right @Fappy.
Keeping your brain away from the screen is the only way out.
No matter what the downsides might be, the benefits are way better, you just have to believe and work on yourself.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 5, no porn, no pmo.

After the first month passed in the first attempt to reboot, it became clear that I can leave this porn thing behind.

Back in the days before knowing what was happening inside my brain, the longest streak to quit porn I have had was a week, that's it.

But after that month of no porn no mo, I continued to the second month and made it through without relapsing, and the results were more fulfilling than the first month. Per example:

  1. The stress and anxiety are gone.
  2. Increased ability to focus and accomplish my goals for the day.
  3. I no longer live under guilt and shame, it's like I'm breathing for the first time.
  4. I’m so happy, calm and I finally feel free.
  5. I have control over myself.
  6. Huge confidence boost.
  7. I’m no longer objectifying women, and making them just some body parts for my pleasure.
  8. Better sleep, i slept like a baby without masturbating.
  9. I never thought of myself as an attractive guy until I started to quit. I can feel girls checking me out at work and on the streets.
  10. My spirituality increased.
  11. Improved mental health, and more time to read.
  12. Having more time on my hands, that was taken by porn videos, now I got it back.
  13. Not feeling like a slave.
  14. More disciplined.

Now you have to understand, I'm not completely porn-free, even though I experienced all the benefits mentioned above, but I still get flashbacks and memories of past scenes I watched.

But I'm fighting every day and I'm getting closer and it’s freeing. I'm still crossing the river, still didn’t make it to the other side.

Getting all those benefits is what made my second month without pmo achievable, even though i got stronger urges in that month, cuz my brain got cut out from the dopamine hit he used to receive everyday.

Just imagine a brain who used to watch porn and masturbate to it day in and day out, and suddenly I took that shit away from it for 2 month without relapsing.

You won’t believe the war that was going on inside my head as i went through the second month, the urges to pmo were all over my brain.

But knowing that I got this far, and there is just one month left to complete the 90 days challenge of no pmo to be free from this shit, is what made me keep going and not give in to those stronger urges that kept coming in hot with every day I kept my brain away from the screen.

Man, it was though, think about it.

To watch porn from that young age I started watching it, and getting your brain so desensitized by it till the point that no normal stimulus will do the kick for it.

All that shit I watched was too good ro be true ( you know what I mean, I'm not going to be graphic here, to not trigger any urges for you guys), in real life that’s not how things work.

That’s what i meant by desensitized, your brain gets this image that anything related to sex has to focuses on the male pleasure over the female pleasure whose role in those scenes is just to please the male by objectifying the female into body parts for the male to have fun with.

getting intimate and connected with your partner and showing the love for each other is what sex is all about.

There are so many beautiful girls out there to meet and who deserve love, so why do I have to keep myself glued to the screen instead of going out there and living my life fully, and being the best I can be and eventually the right women will show up.

Nowadays everywhere you look, there is some aspect of porn in it, on tv, on social media, on the streets, advertising. Like if there is this worldwide conspiracy to get you to watch porn.

I’m not the kind of guy who believes in conspiracy theory but Our world has become so pornafied, you can’t just ignore it.

After all there is no better way to get attention from a human being than sex, beacuse attention is where money lies, if you can get attention and keep it and keep people engaged you are a winner, no matter what ways you use to get attention it doesn’t make a difference, cuz in this era money who talks not morals.

The point is your attention is what they are fighting for, and to get your attention they will get you addicted to keep you watching, because that’s how they make money, even though in the end you lose yourself in the process.

But they don’t care about that, however there still hope for us guys, and that’s to master our brains, instead of them controlling us.

David googins said your brain is the most powerful machine in the world, if you let your brain control you, you’re screwed.

And there is no better way to master your mind than to leave porn behind, it’s the new drug that no one talks about and getting people addicted and making it look okay, as if it’s normal.

It reminds me of when they said that smoking cigarettes is healthy for you, but the complete opposite happened.

That’s it for me, I'm sorry for making this post long, and getting off topic in some points, but knowing these points is what made me better understand this addiction.

Till I see you tomorrow, stay hard. Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 6, no p, no mo (third attempt to quit porn)

I made it to the third month in my first attempt to leave porn behind.

The second month was the most difficult one of those months.

But I made it through the third month without relapsing. I knew I had to have patience to complete the 90 days challenge with only one month left.

And with that the mission was successful.

But man, I was wrong.

This is where it all went down for me.

I had put my guard down.

I forget the enemy I was fighting, which is my junkie brain.

I don’t know why I thought that I cured myself after that 90 days challenge, but my brain convinced me with that one.

As soon as I achieved the goal, I had no more goal in mind to focus on.

And my brain used that against me.

It went like this:

  • HIM: You are a champ, good for you man.
  • ME: I know i made it, isn’t that great.
  • HIM: Those 90 days were tough on both of us.
  • ME: yes you're right but it was worth it.
  • HIM: So now what??!
  • ME: I don't know, dear brain…
  • HIM: It was a hell of a ride for you, I never thought you would make it, you’re a badass, we should celebrate …
  • ME: What do you have in mind??
  • HIM: before we celebrate, first we have to see if you heald yourself from pe
  • ME: hmmm
  • HIM: Wait, listen to me, this 90 days won’t be worth it if you hadn’t healed that pe that you had, if you can’t hold the semens for more than one minute before you ejaculate, then this 3 month period would go in vain.
  • ME: What are you suggesting??! (that day was my day off work, it was sunday, home alone with no shit to do)
  • HIM: I know that you don’t watch porn any more, I know this, but it’s Sunday, with no one at home, and you don’t have a shit to do, you know what I mean….
  • ME: ohhh hell nooo, i know what you’re trying to do here buddy, no way no way….
  • HIM: Listen man, you completed the 90 days challenge without relapsing, most rebooters don’t complete their first week, you’re good now, porn doesn’t affect you no more….
  • ME: you think so…??
  • HIM: yes my man, yes. You are porn-proof, but I don't know if your penis is healed by now…
  • ME: oooookay
  • HIM: there is only one way to find out…since you don’t have a girlfriend to have sex with, you know what i mean..
  • (as that conversation was going on inside my mind, urges starts to creep in and flashbacks of porn scenes started to pop up into my brain)
  • ME: man i’m not sure about this, i don’t want to go back to that rabbit hole…
  • HIM: it’s just to test if your penis is working, that’s the only way to find out, come on now, you own that to yourself. After that 3 months of no p no mo, who could blame you, even those guys in that forum you go into relapse, think of it like an experiment that’s all, just one video if you can finish it without ejaculating too soon you’re good, just one that’s it, i promise….
  • ME: man it was though, i don’t know, maybe you’re right, let’s give it a shot (my brain started thinking of all the names i could type into my search. With that, dopamine started to kick in in those reward centers inside my brain as I typed into the search bar…. And the rest is history…..)

Man, i was so stupid, i thought i heald myself for good.

As soon as I mustarbated, all that was left was feelings of disgust, shame, and depression like never before, I looked myself in the mirror and started talking..

What have you done, you fool, you dumb, didn’t you see that coming, what were you thinking, you just won one battle, that doesn’t mean you won the war, now it’s 1-1…

But after that first interaction with p after 3 months of reboot, my brain was hijacked like if i saw porn for the first time in my life.

It went like this for a whole week, binge watching videos and mustarbating.
Ohh about that pe thing, it is still there, i thought i was cured but silly me.

That’s why I relapsed in the first place, that was a good one dear brain.

A month passed after the first relapse, then I was so disgusted with myself of what happened. That’s when I decided to start the second attempt to quit porn. I learned my lesson from the first relapse. Now it’s time to move on.

More about the second attempt tomorrow.

Stay hard. Peace

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 7, no p, no mo.

I started the second attempt after the first relapse.

Pushing through the third month and surpassing it was the goal in mind.

I won’t bore you with the details of my reboot, it was like the first attempt to reboot, with the same upsides and downsides.

The only difference was, the second attempt was 4 month of no p, no mo. one more month than the first reboot.

And guess what happened after that fourth month…

Yes, you’re right I relapsed for the second time.

It happened the same way as the first one, with no goal in mind to focus on, I put my guard down….

I was so devastated, as if I hadn't learned anything from the first relapse.

I was overthinking and analyzing too much, what if this is my destiny for life, to keep watching porn and mustarbate and eventually kiss the person i want to become goodbye.

I snapped out of it, I went to a dark place for a second, but I got myself back.

It was my junkie brain doing his tricks again, to make me overthink shit and be so stressed out to get his dopamine hit through porn.

But that ain’t happening, I'm sick of this shit, I'm done, I don't want to keep relapsing and all the work I put through go down the toilet, like nothing happened.

At that time i came to this forum, and started reading rebooters stories, to get control over myself again.

And in one of the threads i read, one of the rebooters (i don’t recall his name, but if you’re reading this man, god bless you) mentioned dr trish leigh youtube channel.

And I watched her videos, and every one of them was eye opening, full of insights and analysis of what’s going on inside a porn addict’s brain.

Every time I face urges to relapse, either I come to this forum or go watch dr trigh leigh’s videos just to switch the thoughts going on inside my head.

I even check on her channel every day when I wake up, to stay updated on her new content. And I'm a subscriber to her porn brain rewire podcast as well.

She’s a life saver, and to anyone reading this I encourage you to check her youtube channel. There is no better way to beat this addiction than to get educated about your addiction, and what’s going on inside your brain.

After that discovery of dr trish’s channel, and armed with the knowledge and insights in her videos, i’m now starting the third attempt to quit porn, and i pray to god this will be the last and be porn free for life and never look back.

I hope with the knowledge I learned for her channel and learning from the mistakes I made, I can leave this addiction behind.

So this day is the seventh day in my reboot.

And being aware of my triggers like checking women on the streets, which resulted in urges that cause the first and second relapse, now i no longer check them out on the streets.

If I spot an attractive woman from far away, as she approaches me I no longer look at her, even if I slip up I only look at her face, not at her body parts.

Cuz if i did look at her body parts, my brain will be triggered and will want more of it, to get his dopamine hit that i took from it by abstaining from porn for the seventh day.

And if I escalate in checking women out, eventually i will relapse, cuz i will be overwhelmed with urges to watch porn and mustarbate.

Knowing about your triggers is an important key in battling this addiction. You have to stay away from your triggers, whatever they might be.

Be it insta models, hooties on youtube, actresses on tv, women on the streets…..

These triggers are what are going to open up the floodgates of urges to your brain, and if you’re not strong enough to cope with them, eventually your brain will get you.

Know what triggers you and stay away from it and keep yourself busy. If you can’t keep your brain busy with hobbies and habits that will rewire it towards healthy dopamine levels, it will keep you busy with porn.

Guys we can do this, stay strong no matter what, this is your life that we’re talking about you only live it once, by leaving this filth you will be the best you can be and achieve more than you are capable of, you just have to believe and work on yourself.

See ya, stay hard.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 8 no po, no mo.

After I finished yesterday's journal, I caught a cold, so I had to stay in the house. My day got wasted because I didn’t do any of the things I planned to do yesterday.

My cold can be tough sometimes, with sneezing and water dripping out from my nose, it’s like if i had corona. But rest assured it was just a cold, don't worry.

i had nothing to do, i just kept laying down holding my phone listening to podcasts.

With that, my junkie brain got to work. Flashbacks of past porn scenes started to pop up in my brain, but I was strong enough to not give in to them, I just ignored them.

I knew that this would happen, with no plan for the day, this is where usually my brain starts to put on the show, to get me to relapse.

But this time I wasn't stressed out or hornie at all, just laying down listening to podcasts and chillin and living the moment.

I knew he won’t stop there, he’s so persistent to get his dopamine dose, that’s what he does, he doesn’t care about anything else.

I put down my phone, and I went to watch TV. I knew my eyes would spot something that would trigger my brain as I switched channels.

I was very aware of that, and every time i see a woman, i switch the channel, even if she was just the news lady dressing in a complete decente outfit, i knew that my brain will use that against me, and will create these different scenarios in my head to fantasize about her in a sexual way.

Just to give you a taste of what this junkie brain is capable of and his ways to make me relapse are.

24/7 he’s there talking to me, the longest conversation I have and you have is with your brain.

he‘s been there from the day you were born, he’s been through it all, from the smallest experiences to the biggest ones, he knows everything about you, your weaknesses, vulnerabilities, triggers, and he will make sure to use that against you.

An enemy that I carry inside my skull all day long, a brain who knows every weak spot in me, and to make things worse is that he’s a junkie and he doesn’t even know it, all he cares about is his dopamine kick even if the cost to get it is losing myself in the process. That’s just an evil enemy to fight against.

But every day i keep myself away, i can feel my free will getting stronger and stronger, that’s one of the benefits that you get from rebooting, and for me the most important one of them.

The feeling that i’m in control of myself, and to dictate what to do in my brain, instead of the other way around.

Later on yesterday’s night. as a fan of volleyball, I watched a men’s volleyball match, you wouldn’t expect some triggers from this one, but when the ball gets out of the match field, one of the girls that’s in charge of collecting the balls was this hot chick ( i won’t go into details
But she’s really beautiful) the cameraman kept focusing on her, she stole the show for a moment, lol.

But every time my eyes see a glimpse of her I look somewhere else. I know that my brain is there waiting for me to put my guard down, but that wasn’t happening, not on my watch.

Eventually yesterday didn’t go in the wrong direction that my brain wanted it to go, I controlled myself, and most of all I knew my triggers and every time I came in contact with them, I looked away.

But the best days are the days that I have a plan for them, with goals and tasks to keep me busy.

With a plan in mind, i don’t even have time for urges and triggers, cuz i’m focusing on the tasks at hand.

That’s the only way out.

Don’t put a plan just for the sake of keeping you busy, but put it to work on yourself and chasing the person you want to become and to achieve what you want to do and go where you want to go.

By focusing on your mission in life to be the man you want to be and living life to the fullest, eventually things will fall into place, and you will stop worrying so much about porn and relapsing cuz now you have better shit to do and worry about. That's just how I see it.

All right that’s it for today, see you tomorrow. Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 9, no po, no mo.

Not much to report about today, so far so good.

I still have urges from time to time, I just don’t pay much attention to them anymore.

It’s happened before to me in my first and second attempt to quit porn.

When I started the reboot the first month was the easier one of those months. I could control myself and keep it on track even though I faced urges but they weren’t that strong compared to the urges I had in the last month that caused me to relapse.

First month urges are no match to the last month urges, as long as you keep abstaining from porn the stronger the urges will get.

But now I'm aware of what’s coming, I learned my lesson.

I have to focus on my goals, not only the goal of being porn free, but to be the person i want to be.

And always look for the next goal. After you achieve one, move on to the next quickly. If you procrastinate or take a break, that’s when your brain will make a move, and let me tell you, that doesn’t end well.

Know that this war is in your mind, if you lose it there, you will lose in real life.

The harder you are on your brain, the easier life will be. the easier you are on your brain, the harder life will be for you.

The only way to live the life that you want is to master your brain, there is no other way.

Man, I know that this addiction is strong, and the struggle each rebooter goes through is tough, and no one will fight with you in that battle cuz it’s inside your head, but know that the battles that you fight alone are the ones that will make you hard and strong.

To anyone reading this, I understand the hell that you are going through everyday with this addiction, just the fact that you started your reboot is remarkable in and of itself, cuz you decide that you need to get ahold of yourself by beating this addiction.

Knowing this I thank every one of you, even though the battle is inside my head, but the fact that there are rebooters out there battling this addiction is what’s making me push and keep going as long as I can, and hopefully one day I will not need porn in my life anymore.

Leaving this addiction will be worth it, just look at gabe deem or noah church, and what they achieved in their personal and professional lives.

The possibilities of what you can be are endless, you just have to put in the work and believe that you can leave porn behind, and never look back.

For many of you reading this, you can have a girlfriend or already have one, that’s a game changer cuz you get to work on your intimacy with her, and rewire towards healthy sexual habits that will take the place of old porn habits.

Having a girlfriend is an advantage for sure, but for me i can’t, it’s just how my culture works, i can’t have sex with a woman till i get married.

Even if i wanted to have sex with a woman outside marriage, my beliefs and morals won’t let me ( at least i hope so), cuz it’s not my woman, she’s for someone else.

That’s just how i see sex, you do you.

I just don’t understand why a man who has a girlfriend or a wife will go watch porn and leave that woman, I just can’t get my head around that.

You may tell me that his brain is hijacked by porn, this supernormal stimulus that no normal healthy woman can go against.

And you are absolutely right, but for me if i had a woman to have sex with. man, i will never go back to porn, why do i have to.

You know what I mean…

A healthy woman laying down next to you in bed every morning, and you can have sex with her and get intimate and connected to one another, and feel her feminine grace all around you and you bless her with your masculine touch, is just too mind blowing for me.

Why the hell do i have to watch this filthy porn, why, why, why……….

Sorry for being emotional, this is just how i feel about this, i hope someone will resonate with this.

If you're feeling this way I'm sure that your reboot is kicking in and doing what it is supposed to do.

Okay, that’s it for today, see you tomorrow.

Peace.

ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 10, no po, no mo.

I had a dream last night, a wet dream.

When I woke up, I thought that my boxer would be wet.

But I found nothing, which is odd.

But if i still remember, in the dream i didn’t cum at all.

I was just standing there watching this girl playing with herself.

I don’t really know what that means.

Or if it means anything at all.

It reminds me of when i watched porn, just looking in the screen observing performers sexual acts.

But now as my first 10 days away from porn, i think my brain is starting to switch from the old pathways of porn, that's why i think i had that wet dream in the first place, at least it’s a normal way for the brain to release that energy or whatever it is…

It’s Better than going back to watch porn…

Another thing is why I didn't cum in that dream…

I have premature ejaculation, usually when I used to watch porn, i cum quickly without touching myself just from 1 to 2 minutes into a video..

Thus not cuming in that wet dream means that i don’t have pe…
Who knows, but I think it’s too early to say that.

I’m just 10 days into this, getting rid of pe is still far away from reach…

It’s like the last time when I relapsed after completing the 90 days challenge no po, no mo.

And my junkie brain convinced me to watch a po video to see if i still have pe, just to relapse after 90 days and start from square one all over again…

I just had the same idea moments ago, it was from my brain, telling me:

maybe that's proof that you don’t have pe anymore…

I know what you’re trying to do here my friend, fool me once…

I have had some urges this morning, past old po scenes i watched..

I just ignored them, but this time I can feel they are getting stronger day by day as I keep going without any po, no mo.

But something else is getting stronger as well.

It’s my will power, if that wasn’t the case, i would probably give in to those urges and relapse…

The important thing that I'm always saying in these threads is to have a plan, goals for the day, something to keep you busy…

If you don’t keep your brain busy with something that will have a positive impact and rewire your brain to healthy dopamine levels, eventually your brain will keep you busy with porn…

Maybe i’m not explaining those scientific things correctly, but dr trish leigh explains them in a simple way to understand in her youtube channel.

All right, that's it for today, see you tomorrow.

peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 11, no po, no mo.

Yesterday when I went to the gym, I faced one of my triggers.

Which was this beautiful young woman.

She’s probably 19 or 20 yo.

As I was lifting weights, she came in but not alone.

She was with a bunch of guys from her kickboxing class.

They just came in to pick some weights to go back and use them in their class.

Every guy who’s been there with me in the weightlifting class started checking her out, through the mirrors on the walls lol.

Except me. it was a challenge tbh, to not look. i just kept on doing what it was doing, like if she wasn’t there at all.

She grabbed the weights with her guy friends and left the room.

Man, when she was there and everyone was looking at her except me, my brain started to trick me to take a look….

  • Him: hey look it’s the hot kickboxing chick with the (trigger language has been erased for your benefit, you know what i mean rebooters), everybody is looking at her as they open their mouths.

  • Him: man why the fuck are you so stoborn, just take a look at that (trigger language), she’s fine as hell, you don’t know what you are missing on you punk..
  • Me: I'm fine thank you, I don't need that, I didn't come to the gym to check women out, I'm here to workout, end of story…
  • Him: ok fine… that’s 1 to 0…

Thank god i knew how to handle that situation, if i did what my brain told me, my brain would start to throw urges all over my head, and fantasize about her, and eventually go watch porn to end the stress caused by those urges..

The key here is I was very aware of what my triggers are, a hot chick in the gym who could resist looking at her, I did.

I couldn’t put my reboot in that situation, to endanger it for the sake of looking at a stranger girl in the gym for my junkie brain to get his dose of dopamine.

I’m in charge now you crackhead, from now on I'm the one to tell you what to do and where to look, you don’t know who you are missing with, you don’t know what you have got yourself into, just wait and you will see for yourself…

HIM: all right bla bla bla, just cuz you went 11 days without porn, doesn’t mean that you are in charge now, but like you said time will reveal it all, will wait and see…

After an hour and a half of working out, I headed towards the exit door to leave the gym. As I walked to the exit, I walked past the kickboxing class, and with no intention my eyes saw the hot chick ( trigger language), I immediately looked away.
I didn’t mean to look at her, it was an accident, if after the first look i kept watching her, then i would consider it intentional, but i looked away, and left the gym after that.

All my brain needed was that first look, and then as expected my brain started to objectify her into this body part I looked at accidentally, to get to fantasize about her, as the urges kept coming in, I just kept observing them, with no will to act on them, I just kept watching.

I was in control, my will power is getting stronger. Back in the day if this scenario happened I would probably go home and after 30 min of battling with my brain to forget it, I would give in and relapse.

But I'm a different person now, very different from the one I used to be.

I’m on a new level now, urges don’t have as much control over me anymore as they used to, my brain has to do better than that, and believe me he will.

This doesn't mean to put my guard down, if I learned anything from my two last failures is it’s never over. The moment you tell yourself that I'm done, then the brain will make a move on you.

This is a life struggle, at least till I get married and have a wife to make love to, then I don't have to worry about porn at all, because who needs it after that? I hope I will be cured by then, and I hope the same for you all.

Okay, have a good one.

Peace

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 12, no po, no mo.

Remember the hot chick in the gym I mentioned in my last post.

Guess what??

Now she’s in the same class as me, the weightlifting class.

Yesterday in the afternoon, when I went to the gym and after 15 minutes of working out I took a break, and suddenly as I looked in the mirror I saw her coming in to lift weights…

What the hell, why is this happening??

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, and now this chick is going to be here 3 to 4 days a week…

So i ignored her and resumed my workouts, but man every mirror i look into i can see her reflection, she was doing a back exercise on a machine in the corner of the gym.

I knew what was coming, matter of fact as soon as she showed up, my junkie brain jumped into action….

  • HIM: the hot chick is in the house, damnnn
  • ME: Shut up, I don't want to hear it, I know what you’re trying to do…
  • Him: with all these mirrors in the gym, you have no way to run from her, even if you run you can’t hide from me.. I’m here 24/7…
  • Me; just shut up, i’m going to handle my own business, i’m here to train that’s all.
  • Him: okaaaay, will seeee…lol

After 30 minutes of that, I still didn’t look at her, I was in control.

Even though my mind was screaming and shouting to force me to look, nothing worked on me…

That’s when a guy walked in and started talking to her and they were working out together, maybe he was her boyfriend or her brother I couldn't tell…

I just kept ignoring them, they were far from me, I was in the dumbbell’s area and they were in the machine area…

So I was good, that's what I thought for a second, as I could see them coming to the dumbbell area where I was.

Where are you going, stay the hell away from me, I told myself…

Oh great, now she’s only 2 to 3 meters from me with her boyfriend or whatever he is to her, they were working out with dumbbells too, like i was.

It was a leg day for me, I just kept working out hard non-stop, I was so sweaty, I did that to shut up my brain who was trying to make me look at her.

Even when I took a break, it was for 10 seconds then back to the workout.

I was in front of the mirror squatting with a dumbbell in each hand. They were behind me. I could see them clearly through the mirror, but I just kept looking at myself as I did my squats.

The fact that she was behind me, made it so tempting to take a look at her.

And I'm not going to lie, I peeked at her for a second and saw a body part of hers.

  • Him: there you go, good boy, i couldn’t blame you she’s hot….
  • Me: what do you want from me, what do you want, leave me, leave me alone. please , please, i’m afraid…
  • Him: man take it easy, why are you shouting so loud, thank god this conversation is inside your head, or anybody in this gym will hear you and look at you, and think that you are crazy…
  • Me: just leave me the fuck alone…
  • Him: all right chill, chill my man, will talk about this later okay…. lol

Man i messed up, after that look my brain was never the same, i knew he will use that image to disturb me and throw urges at me..

They didn’t happen while I was there, but I knew they would come sooner or later. I just have to be strong and not give in to them…

Actually as I'm writing this journal, fantasies about her pop into my brain, but writing this journal is making me release those urges into it.

After that look i kept working out and moved on, a moments later a girl friend of hers (wearing glasses) came in, she didn’t come in to train she just came in to pick her friend up and leave together.

As she waited for her to finish the workouts with her boyfriend, i looked at her (sitting down in a chair holding her phone) through the mirror and man she’s hot too like the hot chick i’m in class with.

Man, my brain was so messed up… i kept working out hard, and suddenly through the mirror the girl with the glasses started checking me out as i train, and i started training even harder…lol

After that the girl with the glasses wanted to give it a shot and train with her friend. I can see her shadow through the mirror as she trains behind me.

My brain went like this…

Damn, omg look at that, she’s even hotter than her friend, god have mercy…

She immediately dropped out, cuz she didn’t come in to workout in the first place she just gave it a shot that’s all….

With that i didn’t give in to what my brain told me, i didn’t look directly at that girl as she was training, i managed to not mess that up too, i was strong even though the temptations my brain played on me to look weren't easy.

Then they both left the gym, and I was relieved. Now I can lift my head up and look straight instead of looking to the floor when they were with me in the gym.

I still have urges caused by the peek at that first girl, but I'm still hanging in there.

Remember you might slip sometimes and look at a trigger, I'm not making it okay to look, no it’s not okay you have to fight it, even if you mess up the first time don’t do the same the second time like I did, be accountable and own your shit.

All right, that's it for today, I hope those urges caused by that girl won’t get me later in the day, but I highly doubt it. I just can feel that I'm strong right now, and I wish the same for you guys.

Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 13, no po, no mo.

Yesterday, as I was changing tv channels, I saw this show about porn.

The title was : porn, is it a normal habit, or an addiction.

From the title I decided to match it immediately.

It was a talk show between the host and 5 guests, with no sexual contents or images to endanger my reboot.

  • First guest : a porn user
  • Second guest : feminist activist
  • Third guest : feminist activist
  • Fourth guest : film critic
  • Fifth guest : former porn actor

So they started with the porn user. I was excited to hear what he’s gonna say.

But as soon as he started talking, this guy apparently considers watching porn a hobby, not an addiction at all, matter of a fact he watches it with his partner to learn positions and stuff like that.

He started watching it when he was 11 yo, now he’s a grown adult in his 30s, and when they asked him about any side effects of porn, he told them he didn’t experience any, no sexual or psycological downsides, no deppression no anxiety no guilt, it’s normal to him to watch porn and talk about it like if it’s normal.

Man , I don't really know what to say….

To watch porn from a young age till you have 30, and to not experience any depression or ed or pe, i got to tell you, either you are immune to it and it doesn't affect you, good for you man.

Or you are lying to yourself, look i’m not going to say this is right or wrong, i’m not a judge or a jury, it’s your life, you do you…

But let me tell you that you are a unique case, an undiscovered gem of some sort, not everybody is like you, the majority of guys out there are heavy porn users. and to watch it every day like you do and consider it a habit is not an option for us.

The reality is that by doing that it destroys the lives of consumers who watch porn in ways you cannot imagine.

I was disappointed with the porn user statement tbh.

Then they moved on and asked the feminists on the show, the two of them.

In general what they say is, yeah the porn user is right, he can do whatever he wants, it’s a free country, horraaayy.

Ohh really, these feminist women didn’t talk at all at the abuse women face in this industry, and how these women’s lifes gets ruined, not to forget the men also.

Is it just me or am i the only one suffering from porn, and how it flipped my life upside down, and no one in this show is talking about the other side of this, which is the porn addiction.

Then the film critic talked about the history of porn industry, and the 70s when it was the golden decade of the porn industry.

But the bomb was from the one least expected, the former pon actor.

He talked about how he got into the industry, and how things escalated for him till he couldn't live with it anymore, back then he was depressed and anxious and couldn’t perform without steroids to get his penis erected.

He also talked about porn performers he knew, who used drugs and alcohol to forget about doing porn, then they go do porn to get paid to buy more drugs, and they became trapped in this empty circle…

It’s so messed up actually….

Then he talked about the moment when he decided to get out from porn, and how his morals kept torturing him and couldn’t stand it anymore, it was affecting his life tremendously, he didn’t even need the money he earned from porn, he only started it for the sake of pleasure, and then when he got deep into it, all he got left is misery and stress.

So he got out and never turned back.

Meanwhile the feminists resonated with him, and talked about the downsides of the porn industry and how it effects people from users to performers, i don’t know which sides these feminists are taking tbh, it’s very confusing.

First they said to the porn user, you can do whatever you want, watch porn and have fun, now they are talking about the side effects of doing porn and watching it …I guess they are just looking to please everybody instead of telling the hard truths about the porn addiction….

For anybody reading, stay with the path, just cuz you heard someone telling you it’s okay to watch porn and it will do you no harm, doesn’t mean to take their advice, not all the people are the same.

If it’s turning your life to hell, then it’s time to take a step towards changing that and leaving porn behind.

You got this, hang in there and stay strong.

Peace

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day 14, no po, no mo.

2 weeks into this reboot and I'm still pushing and going forward.

I experienced some urges yesterday.

I was in the best atmosphere to relapse.

No one was home, I was laying down and holding my phone.

I was learning a new language through an app called duolingo.

That’s when urges started creeping into my mind, it’s my junkie brain again, trying to get his dose of dopamine through porn.

The urges started with the hot chick from the gym I talked about in a previous post, then next was past porn star scenes.

All this happened while I was on the language app, but I just ignored them and continued what I was doing.

That’s why i always say keep your brain busy with useful tasks, if you ain’t got nothing to do, urges will start to pop up to your brain.

Even now as i’m writing this journal, i keep fantasizing about the gym girl, that’s why i’m writing this journal in the first place to distract my brain from those thoughts.

It’s though, this mental war. you can’t afford to let your guard down, if you do, then you’re screwed.

All your brain needs is a glimpse of porn, don’t never ever let him have it, the slightest thing that you might say it’s okay to watch, may not be actually okay to watch, and probably your brain is tricking you to think that way, just to get you to relapse and watch porn.

And I'm not only talking about porn here, but also triggers that can cause urges to occupy your brain.

Triggers like nudes on the phone, checking girls on the street, a hot scene in a movie, checking out women in the gym, like what happened to me, i know i shouldn’t check her out, but it happened, now what??

Go and watch porn, no way my dear brain, ain’t happening, not on my watch, i have better shit to do now, instead of binging through videos and mustarbating for hours.

And Not to forget if I comply with what my brain wants, my 2 weeks will go in vain, and back to square one.

I just can’t do that otherwise all the work I put into this will be worthless and meaningless.

I just can’t go back, I can't, porn is no longer an option for me, and soon enough I hope my junkie brain will do the same and walk the same path together and leave this filth behind.

I will make sure to do that, and you also make sure to stay away from porn no matter what, don’t watch it, get a wife, have sex with your girlfriend. Any means necessary to stay away.

For me it will be hard and what to come after will be way harder, cuz i hold myself to not have sex till i get marrried, and i don’t know when i will get married, and till that comes i cannot watch porn and mustarbete and check women out.

And you cannot imagine what that feels like, what pain I will suffer, and the strong urges I'm going to have.

I just envy all the guys who are married or have girlfriends. If I were married, I wouldn't be here writing this journal.

But i know for a fact that after i’m done with this, i will get out as strong as i can be, and after i get married, my wife will be sure that i’m the best she’s found, and what a catch that i am, lol… when I make love to her, like a lost man in the desert who hasn't seen water for a week, and finally finds it…

Imagine the water are the lips of your girl or your wife, then how would you make love to her after abstaining from porn for so long that you can’t remember how sex with a woman feels like….

Man it’s a messed up metaphor i know, but you’re a man, you know what i mean….

All right, nouf said, stay strong.

Peace

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Active Member
Day15 , no po, no mo.

Man, urges are getting way stronger than usual, scenes of my fv porn star keeps popping up in my brain.

I was very close to losing control over my brain, for a moment I could see myself going back to the screen.

After posting my thread yesterday, i stayed home all day cuz i was sick and still as i’m writing this journal.

I didn’t do shit, I had many plans for the day.

I had to go to the gym, I had to work on my website issues, I had to leave the house and walk to clear my mind. I didn’t do any of it.

Just kept laying down watching tv, and holding my phone.

The perfect environment to relapse and for my brain to make its move.

I was scrolling youtube on my phone, looking for Dave Chappellle's stand up videos, and out of the blue a disturbing thumbnail showed up, the content was not triggering but the thumbnail was.

They put this hot babe in the thumbnail just to get you to click and watch it, the perfect clickbait.

Even though that hot babe had nothing to do with the video, she’s just a setup to click and watch.

The moment I saw it, I scrolled immediately.

Youtube can be very dangerous sometimes, if you just watch any video the algorithm suggests, you may relapse sooner than you think.

Youtube doesn’t care if the content is useful or not, if there are so many views on it, it would suggest it to you, even if you don’t wanna see it, like a twerking video.

It all depends on your behavior when you are using youtube. If the algorithm notices that you are interested in shitty content, it will start serving it to you immediately.

So watch out from what you type into search, It may be the start of a relapse.

I closed youtube, and put my phone down, and watched tv instead.

But man the same thing happened, as i was changing channels i saw this tennis game between two women in mini skirts, you know the type.

What the hell, I changed the channel and moved on to the next.

This is what happens when you don’t have shit to do, triggers start to show up everywhere you look, and with your brain standing by hungry for his dopamine kick waiting for you to get your guard down to get you to relapse.

I think all this has to do with the urges about the porn star I told you about in the start of this post. I didn’t even keep looking at those triggers for too long, as I saw them I looked away immediately or switched to something else.

All my junkie brain needs is a glimpse, and then he starts working with it, putting it into many formats and then sends it my way to see what will stick.

What a deceitful brain that is.

I was this close to relapse and giving in.

But don’t worry, I'm still standing up and hanging in there.

As dr trish leigh says: control your brain or it will control you.

See you tomorrow.

Peace.

Ezel.
 
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