Ezel
Respected Member
First, I'm new here, even though I found out about this forum a year ago.
i was always reading behind the scenes stories of rebooters, to get me through my pmo addiction.
Finding this forum wouldn't be possible without me reading Garry Wilson's book Your Brain on porn.
I went through the book like a hot knife through butter. I felt like Gary was talking to me, and every sentence I read resonated with me.
In the final pages as the end was near, I felt bad cuz finishing a great book is like ending a friendship with your best friend.
But luckily he recommended gabe demm’s forum, and that’s how i found this great community.
Now I finally have the courage to write down my story, and I hope someone will learn from it and find it useful.
Some context first…
My first interaction with porn was in my teens, I don't recall exactly which year but differently when I was in secondary school.
It was through a fb nude picture of a woman, and that’s when my brain got hijacked and my brain was never the same ever since.
My brain was still developing. Science shows that a man’s brain is fully developed when he reaches 28, and getting stimulated by a picture like that was not helping in that development at all.
Deep down in me I knew that looking at naked women was wrong, but all that my monkey brain cared for is the dopamine hiit to get him relaxed again, if I didn't I would feel very stressed out by the bone.
So i had to relieve the stress by edging through nudes. At that time I wasn't aware of what’s going on in my head. And that my brain was playing tricks on me to get me to watch pictures, even though i knew it wasn't matching with my morality.
This resulted in a war inside my head, between p and my morals, and every battle was won by p, and that was expected.
Cuz it’s like that metaphor of the bad wolf and the good wolf, and whoever wins is the one you feed most, and the bad wolf who gets fed the most.
And it all went from there like a snowball down the hill.
My brain got bored with nudes, and with that i surfed the internet looking for what will silence that dopamine seeking voice in my head, and look no further, when you look for something especially like porn you will find it, it’s just a click away.
I didn’t know back then what was porn, that’s how innocent I was, i just kept clicking and clicking, typing and typing search terms, till i finally found tube sites with millions of videos.
And man, my brain was hooked immediately, i was very shocked with what i saw, especially for a teen like i was, who never had a sexual experience in his life.
I would go to my room and close the door and edge through videos, and when anyone would come near my room i would switch tabs and pretend i was studying.
I became paranoid of getting caught, cuz i knew again that this is wrong, i always knew by listening to that voice in the back of my head telling me this is not you, why are you doing this.
But ignored it every time, cuz my dopamine seeking voice was louder and getting stronger with every minute i watch porn.
By this time I had just found out about porn, and by watching it I was looking to relieve my brain stress, but it wasn’t enough. I was just watching porn without orgasming and mastarbating.
Again I didn't know what masterbating or orgasming was.
So my mind gets so stressed out by the amount of porn I watched, and it had to release it someway, and that’s how i masturbated for the first time.
It happened one night as I was in my bed, holding the phone in my hand watching some nudes, touching myself and felt this great sensation till i orgasemed and cum.
But after that feeling, all is left is this feeling of shame and disgust that will take over, and my dopamine seeking voice will retreat to the back of my mind after he got what he was looking for.
And that’s when every time i went to bed, my brain kind of created this brain pattern of “masturbate to sleep, if you don't do it i will just make you awake till the morning, till i get you crazy”.
I don’t want this post to be much longer than it already is, so I will continue the journal tomorrow.
And to also create this habit in my mind to write every day, to rewire it towards useful habits that I hope will take the place of those filthy porn pathways branching through my brain.
So stay strong and see you tomorrow.peace.
Ezel.
i was always reading behind the scenes stories of rebooters, to get me through my pmo addiction.
Finding this forum wouldn't be possible without me reading Garry Wilson's book Your Brain on porn.
I went through the book like a hot knife through butter. I felt like Gary was talking to me, and every sentence I read resonated with me.
In the final pages as the end was near, I felt bad cuz finishing a great book is like ending a friendship with your best friend.
But luckily he recommended gabe demm’s forum, and that’s how i found this great community.
Now I finally have the courage to write down my story, and I hope someone will learn from it and find it useful.
Some context first…
My first interaction with porn was in my teens, I don't recall exactly which year but differently when I was in secondary school.
It was through a fb nude picture of a woman, and that’s when my brain got hijacked and my brain was never the same ever since.
My brain was still developing. Science shows that a man’s brain is fully developed when he reaches 28, and getting stimulated by a picture like that was not helping in that development at all.
Deep down in me I knew that looking at naked women was wrong, but all that my monkey brain cared for is the dopamine hiit to get him relaxed again, if I didn't I would feel very stressed out by the bone.
So i had to relieve the stress by edging through nudes. At that time I wasn't aware of what’s going on in my head. And that my brain was playing tricks on me to get me to watch pictures, even though i knew it wasn't matching with my morality.
This resulted in a war inside my head, between p and my morals, and every battle was won by p, and that was expected.
Cuz it’s like that metaphor of the bad wolf and the good wolf, and whoever wins is the one you feed most, and the bad wolf who gets fed the most.
And it all went from there like a snowball down the hill.
My brain got bored with nudes, and with that i surfed the internet looking for what will silence that dopamine seeking voice in my head, and look no further, when you look for something especially like porn you will find it, it’s just a click away.
I didn’t know back then what was porn, that’s how innocent I was, i just kept clicking and clicking, typing and typing search terms, till i finally found tube sites with millions of videos.
And man, my brain was hooked immediately, i was very shocked with what i saw, especially for a teen like i was, who never had a sexual experience in his life.
I would go to my room and close the door and edge through videos, and when anyone would come near my room i would switch tabs and pretend i was studying.
I became paranoid of getting caught, cuz i knew again that this is wrong, i always knew by listening to that voice in the back of my head telling me this is not you, why are you doing this.
But ignored it every time, cuz my dopamine seeking voice was louder and getting stronger with every minute i watch porn.
By this time I had just found out about porn, and by watching it I was looking to relieve my brain stress, but it wasn’t enough. I was just watching porn without orgasming and mastarbating.
Again I didn't know what masterbating or orgasming was.
So my mind gets so stressed out by the amount of porn I watched, and it had to release it someway, and that’s how i masturbated for the first time.
It happened one night as I was in my bed, holding the phone in my hand watching some nudes, touching myself and felt this great sensation till i orgasemed and cum.
But after that feeling, all is left is this feeling of shame and disgust that will take over, and my dopamine seeking voice will retreat to the back of my mind after he got what he was looking for.
And that’s when every time i went to bed, my brain kind of created this brain pattern of “masturbate to sleep, if you don't do it i will just make you awake till the morning, till i get you crazy”.
I don’t want this post to be much longer than it already is, so I will continue the journal tomorrow.
And to also create this habit in my mind to write every day, to rewire it towards useful habits that I hope will take the place of those filthy porn pathways branching through my brain.
So stay strong and see you tomorrow.peace.
Ezel.