Finally, I'm doing this…

Ezel

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 0.

I relapsed early this morning, it's like I'm not the same person who went 90+ days monk mode like if it was nothing. Just two days ago i was in a flatline, i barely thought about porn or masturbation, back then you can't make me look at porn even if you pay me to.
But this morning the urges were so overwhelming, i couldn't stop till it was over.
Why is this happening 😭??!
 
F

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Hey buddy. Don't beat yourself up. Get back up, dust yourself off and keep going. You've inspired me ever since I came onto this forum. You made 90 plus days before. You can do that again. Every time I've relapsed, you've been right there with a word that lifted me up again. You've got this man. It's gonna be okay.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Don't beat yourself up brother, it happens. I don't know if you binged much when you were off here for a week or so, but that could affect you a great deal when trying to get back on course. I know for myself, if I made one mistake, it would be quite easy to get back into things. However, if I did binge for days, it would take considerable effort to get me back on track. Those damn neuropathways can get jump started pretty quickly.

I'm not saying you did this, but it could explain the difficulty of getting back on track. Obviously, you're still miles away from where you where a year ago, and for that you should be very happy.

Focus on all those glorious days, and think not of the few bad ones. What's a few bad days compared to hundreds of great ones?

Love ya

Blondie
 
Ezel

Ezel

Respected Member
@FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 @Blondie thank you guys for your kind words, it's just frustrating when your evil self try to always sink the ship you are both in, and not realizing that we will both go down with it. Obviously he doesn't know that, he's unconscious, and my job is to guide him with my consciousness, to get us both through this storm.
I myself lose consciousness when it comes to the enemy I'm battling, forgetting that he still there lurking in the shadows.
Waiting for the right moment to make his move.
But the important thing is to never give up, never give in, and keep pushing forward.
 
Alexey

Alexey

Active Member
@Ezel If you allow, I will repeat my advice.

Write a little bit more. How do you spend your day? What did you do? What activities were you engaged in? How did you feel during your day? Were there mood swings? Just 3-10 lines of text at least.

This way you will be more aware of what is going on inside your brain.

As you may know I'm close to 20 days now and in my very early days I wrote (by pen) to my diary few times a day. Still do it although not so often.
 
Ezel

Ezel

Respected Member
Alexey said:
@Ezel If you allow, I will repeat my advice.

Write a little bit more. How do you spend your day? What did you do? What activities were you engaged in? How did you feel during your day? Were there mood swings? Just 3-10 lines of text at least.

This way you will be more aware of what is going on inside your brain.

As you may know I'm close to 20 days now and in my very early days I wrote (by pen) to my diary few times a day. Still do it although not so often.
Click to expand...
I appreciate your advice Alex, it's just I'm a full time college student, and my schedule is so tight, that's why I don't have much time to write longer posts, especially that the final semester exams are near. But i know your approach is very efficient if you go back to my early posts when I joined the forum you will see that was my daily ritual. Hopefully i will find some free time to practice it like i used to.
Thanks again my man, keep stacking those numbers partner ☺️😉.
 
Alexey

Alexey

Active Member
TryingHarder said:
Do some detective work. What was the trigger? What happened over the past day, or few hours? What led you back to porn? What could you do differently next time? Find a new way to burn those boats!
Click to expand...
Want to elaborate on that. Are there typical 'relapse times' or circumstances? Once you identify them, possibly it will be reasonable to create circumstances or put obstacles in advance. For example, set a sleeping schedule so that you will not be lying in bed for long without a purpose. Schedule being with other people around at certain times (in essence it's good to be with other people as much as possible or comfortable in an early stage).

Ezel said:
I appreciate your advice Alex, it's just I'm a full time college student, and my schedule is so tight, that's why I don't have much time to write longer posts, especially that the final semester exams are near. But i know your approach is very efficient if you go back to my early posts when I joined the forum you will see that was my daily ritual. Hopefully i will find some free time to practice it like i used to.
Thanks again my man, keep stacking those numbers partner ☺️😉.
Click to expand...
Being a 'full time student' is not easy as far as I remember. And writing some meaningful content does not feel the same as resting for the same amount of time or watching series, for example. Besides time, it requires switching the brain to another mode (which is expensive by itself), and after that do some meaningful work (again spending brain energy). At the same time you still have quite a bit of brain work and brain switching since you're studying.

But let's look at it from another perspective. How much time does a typical 'relapse session' take away? And every -- every --- damn single relapse makes immediate and lasting damage. Do you agree with that? Now, what is this damage compared to the cost of journalizing?

By the way, Ezel, I read your early posts being a lurker -- about two first pages I suppose. I didn't supposed direct conversation with you at that time)
 
Ezel

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 2, monk mode.

Here we are again, i actually lost count of how many attempts I'm at to quit this filth. But I learned something valuable, which is quitting isn’t done on the first try, you will fall many times before you quit for good.

One of the reasons i went back was i was dealing with high-stress levels cuz of the exams that were approaching, also i experienced this term called halt which stands for(hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and you should watch yourself to not fall into one of these states because if you do probably you will look at porn.

As i’m writing this on my laptop, and with no one around, I’m not even bullshitting i had massive urges to look at porn, i even opened a tab to dive in but I backed up. Man, in my entire life i never smoked a cigarette nor did i drank alcohol, but this porn thing got me by the nuts.

This got me thinking about that robert de niro quote from the heat movie “Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” I think this quote ladies and gentlemen summarizes my whole journey and what i’m dealing with because of this filth.

My future is on the line because of this filth, and here I’m going back again and again, I know it won’t end well for me if I kept going like this, deep down i know all that, but still, I did it anyway, that’s the definition of an addict plain and simple. But in spite of that at least i know I’m an addict and i’m working on myself to get out of this trap.


I’m not going to make promises anymore, I would just live day by day and stay clean one day at a time.

Peace.

Ezel.
 
F

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Ezel said:
Day 2, monk mode.

Here we are again, i actually lost count of how many attempts I'm at to quit this filth. But I learned something valuable, which is quitting isn’t done on the first try, you will fall many times before you quit for good.

One of the reasons i went back was i was dealing with high-stress levels cuz of the exams that were approaching, also i experienced this term called halt which stands for(hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and you should watch yourself to not fall into one of these states because if you do probably you will look at porn.

As i’m writing this on my laptop, and with no one around, I’m not even bullshitting i had massive urges to look at porn, i even opened a tab to dive in but I backed up. Man, in my entire life i never smoked a cigarette nor did i drank alcohol, but this porn thing got me by the nuts.

This got me thinking about that robert de niro quote from the heat movie “Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” I think this quote ladies and gentlemen summarizes my whole journey and what i’m dealing with because of this filth.

My future is on the line because of this filth, and here I’m going back again and again, I know it won’t end well for me if I kept going like this, deep down i know all that, but still, I did it anyway, that’s the definition of an addict plain and simple. But in spite of that at least i know I’m an addict and i’m working on myself to get out of this trap.


I’m not going to make promises anymore, I would just live day by day and stay clean one day at a time.

Peace.

Ezel.
Click to expand...
We're gonna get this, man.
 
Alexey

Alexey

Active Member
Yes, stress including hunger, boredom (also kind of stress) is provoking the addiction. But can one live the real life without stress?

I recommend avoiding stress at least in the early days. At the same time build long-term motivation and goals -- it will help you to go on lately. And do it even if it seems now that those goals are irrelevant to your current state and abilities.

If one is struggling, then, I suppose, the abstinence should be uncompromising no 1 priority (ok, no 2 in some exceptional cases including studying). Find other things to take a fancy to, be with other people around, talk to them or just walk around them, limit screen time.

Have a good luck on your journey, Ezel

One day is a Time
 
swimmer97

swimmer97

Well-Known Member
Ezel said:
Day 2, monk mode.

Here we are again, i actually lost count of how many attempts I'm at to quit this filth. But I learned something valuable, which is quitting isn’t done on the first try, you will fall many times before you quit for good.

One of the reasons i went back was i was dealing with high-stress levels cuz of the exams that were approaching, also i experienced this term called halt which stands for(hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and you should watch yourself to not fall into one of these states because if you do probably you will look at porn.

As i’m writing this on my laptop, and with no one around, I’m not even bullshitting i had massive urges to look at porn, i even opened a tab to dive in but I backed up. Man, in my entire life i never smoked a cigarette nor did i drank alcohol, but this porn thing got me by the nuts.

This got me thinking about that robert de niro quote from the heat movie “Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” I think this quote ladies and gentlemen summarizes my whole journey and what i’m dealing with because of this filth.

My future is on the line because of this filth, and here I’m going back again and again, I know it won’t end well for me if I kept going like this, deep down i know all that, but still, I did it anyway, that’s the definition of an addict plain and simple. But in spite of that at least i know I’m an addict and i’m working on myself to get out of this trap.


I’m not going to make promises anymore, I would just live day by day and stay clean one day at a time.

Peace.

Ezel.
Click to expand...
You reflected situation very well. Lets get back to monk mode and beat this illness together 🤝
 
Weetakker

Weetakker

Member
Ezel said:
Day 2, monk mode.

Here we are again, i actually lost count of how many attempts I'm at to quit this filth. But I learned something valuable, which is quitting isn’t done on the first try, you will fall many times before you quit for good.

One of the reasons i went back was i was dealing with high-stress levels cuz of the exams that were approaching, also i experienced this term called halt which stands for(hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and you should watch yourself to not fall into one of these states because if you do probably you will look at porn.

As i’m writing this on my laptop, and with no one around, I’m not even bullshitting i had massive urges to look at porn, i even opened a tab to dive in but I backed up. Man, in my entire life i never smoked a cigarette nor did i drank alcohol, but this porn thing got me by the nuts.

This got me thinking about that robert de niro quote from the heat movie “Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” I think this quote ladies and gentlemen summarizes my whole journey and what i’m dealing with because of this filth.

My future is on the line because of this filth, and here I’m going back again and again, I know it won’t end well for me if I kept going like this, deep down i know all that, but still, I did it anyway, that’s the definition of an addict plain and simple. But in spite of that at least i know I’m an addict and i’m working on myself to get out of this trap.


I’m not going to make promises anymore, I would just live day by day and stay clean one day at a time.

Peace.

Ezel.
Click to expand...
I loved this entry because of how deep it went into what you were actually feeling, and you allowed yourself to reflect on these things. My suggestion: more entries like this one. Sweat the small stuff, write about what you think, what it may mean for you. Reflect. I have been journaling for a couple of weeks now, and I have found that the more I allow myself to flesh out my thoughts, the better I feel, the more progress I feel like I am making. It starts being less about the number itself, and more about the process. I know you are busy as a college student, and may have a lot on your plate. But seriously consider doing this on your free time or when you are bored. Relapses happen during those times, too. And this is a great way to recodify the habit.

Keep going strong!
 
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