Finally, I'm doing this…

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 65, no po, no mo.

Yesterday, I almost messed everything up.

I was close to relapsing more than any time. since I started this reboot.

I was on my phone scrolling through youtube. And I searched for a tv series I’m currently watching (it doesn’t have any triggering content, its genre is comedy/history that’s it).

When the results of that tv series appeared I scrolled and scrolled.

Then out of the blue, I see a video that’s not related to what I searched for in any way.

It was the type of video of, look at me I’m a busty woman wearing tight clothes walking down the road.

At that time I didn’t click the video to watch it but seeing that thumbnail was all my brain needed to drive me crazy.

I ignored the video and went on with my day.

After an hour, I was very tempted by that thumbnail I saw. I didn’t want to watch the videos, I just wanted to check her youtube channel, that’s what my brain told me to do.

So I searched her channel and all the videos on her channel were the same type as the one I saw, dancing and twerking while wearing tight clothes that describe her busty body perfectly.

Again I didn’t watch her videos, but checking her youtube channel put gasoline on a fire.

Later that day close to midnight, I was by myself holding my phone. And this is where it all went down.

I watched her videos one by one for 30 minutes straight.

My heart was beating so fast, and my penis was so hard, if I stroked it I would cum for sure, but I didn’t. I even googled her name up to see if she’s a pornstar but nothing showed up.

Before this reboot, It was the same way I used to go through before I watched porn and masturbated. Watch triggering content, and then I had to watch porn to relieve the stress and masturbate to release the stress.

This is where I knew I was crossing the line. Thank god I didn’t watch porn even though everything was put in line to watch it, but I didn’t.

I was on my way to relapsing and breaking the streak of porn and masturbation. Even now as I’m writing I feel like I relapsed even though I didn’t escalate to porn.

I hope that’s not the case. Starting from square one all over again will be detrimental to me.

I still get urges from what I saw yesterday, but I just ignore them like I always do.

I hope what happened yesterday will not happen again.

One thing I know for sure is I’m not on monk mode anymore after I did this. But the streak of 60+ days still stands, so I'm good.

Stay safe.

Peace.

ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 66, no po, no mo.

yesterday, my brain was on fire.

After what I saw the day before, I barely slept.

I couldn’t go to sleep till 6 am, my brain was full of urges and fantasies and past porn scenes.

I was overwhelmed, my heart kept beating fast so my penis was fully erected because of it.

I’m not going to lie, I thought about relapsing more times than I could count. I asked myself many times what’s the point of all this (my brain always plays this card to get me to question where I’m going with this reboot).

I didn’t relapse thank god, I wouldn’t let that happen under any circumstances.

The thought of relapsing and starting all over again is what’s kept me going this far.

The second reason is, that I’m fasting because of Ramadan, no food, no sex, from dawn till sunset.

Breaking my fasting before its time is a serious problem.

If I’m going to fast and watch porn and masturbate, then what’s the point of fasting. I’m Better off not fasting if I’m going to do it, instead of lying to myself.

Man, even yesterday night I was on my phone and thought about checking those youtube videos I saw before, it was a tough one to ignore, but I pulled it off.

I have to be more careful about what I see. Meanwhile, I just have to keep ignoring these urges till they fade away on their own.

Stay safe kings.

Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
day68, no po, no mo.

Last night while I was asleep, I had a wet dream.

Finally after battling those urges for the past two days, my body kind of released a part of the stress through a wet dream.

And I woke up today with a soaking wet boxer, I’m happy actually. We all know that having wet dreams is good for us rebooters.

At least it’s better than releasing the stress through masturbating to porn.

You just have to give your body and brain time to heal, after it recognizes that masturbating to porn is no longer an option, it starts looking for other healthy, normal ways to release.

This wet dream came on time, cuz yesterday night while i was on the phone watching youtube shorts, a 10-second video showed there is a +18 video link in the comments.

My brain went on autopilot mode again, so I clicked the link…

At first, I thought it was a joke, a porn video on youtube, no way…

Then a porn website showed up with some porn CGI animations…

I closed the tab immediately and then reported the 10-second video that led me to the site as sexual content.

That’s why having the wet dream before I woke up was kind of a relief from what I saw.

I needed it tbh.

Stay strong fellas,

Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day69, no po, no mo(hardmode).

From now on it’s going to be hard mode because I didn’t handle monk mode quite well as I should.

The way I see monk mode is this:
  • No porn: check
  • No masturbation: check
  • No sex: check
  • No social media: umm no check… I haven't used Facebook for 5 months, but I still use youtube daily, many times I almost relapsed because of it.
  • Checking women out: no check, at first I handled checking women out like a boss, but recently I check them from time to time.
  • No tv: check, honestly who watches tv anymore, when everything can be accessed through your phone.

The parts that are checked are what makes hard mode seem the way to go for a while ( no po, no mo, no sex).

However, that doesn’t mean going berserk on checking women out and using youtube in ways that could get me to relapse.

The hard mode will be the way to start and I hope I can return to monk mode eventually.

Peace.

ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day71, no po, no mo(hardmode).

Yesterday night, when I went to sleep, as I was laying down on my bed.

Urges started popping up inside my brain(porn scenes, fantasies, girls I worked with…).

My junkie brain wanted me to check twerking videos on youtube (not porn videos which is odd…), but it was only the start, after I watch those youtube videos then, it’s time to switch to porn.

I kept fighting and fighting, I grabbed my phone (not to watch videos just to set the alarm to wake me up in the morning).

After that, one thing led to another and I opened the youtube app…

then…

I was going to search for those videos, but deep down in me, I knew this is going to end badly…

And in a moment of consciousness, I snapped out of that current of thought.

And I watched a different video instead, it was about cravings management.

It was a life-saving video. I managed to calm my cravings down.

Although I had all the typical signs that a man would have before relapsing ( fully erect penis, my heart was beating so fast, my brain was so stressed out…), I handled the situation well, thank god.

One thing I noticed is every time I go to bed, the same scenario happens.

And this for sure must be because back in the day I had to masturbate using porn to go to sleep…

It became a pathway in my brain. But now with 70+days of hard mode, this pathway is on the way to getting erased from my brain, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from watching those videos last night…

One more thing that helped me from relapsing is the holy month (Ramadan), even though I finished my yesterday’s fasting I wasn’t comfortable with watching those videos.

Sometimes I wish the whole year was Ramadan, lol… but that will be too strict, and I’m glad it’s only one month…

Stay strong and patient…

Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day73, no po, no mo(hardmode).

The same thing happened last night as the day before.

I couldn’t get my freaking mind to sleep, I was so stressed out.

Part of it is, I took a nap earlier that day, I was so sick and tired.

That’s why when I went to bed at 11 pm I kept staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep.

And as always, my junkie brain got to work.

From 11 pm till 2:30 am I was laying down on my bed, fighting urges left and right.

Did I relapse??!

Hell no.

Right now, my brain knows I can't watch porn, so it always looks for something that could lead to it.

Like twerking videos, hot girls on youtube, that sort of stuff…

In those 3 hours of battling urges, my phone was in reach, and my mind had thought of all the things I could watch on my phone to get me to relapse, strangely enough, it wasn’t porn…

But those things certainly lead to it, as I said earlier.

I kept laying down on my bed, the room was pitch black, my eyes wide open like a night owl…

Only God knows what I was dealing with…

Then, I grabbed my phone. I wasn’t looking for those hot girl's videos on youtube, but my brain was dying for them to show up as suggestions on my youtube feed.

Lucky me, nothing showed up, and I watched a useful video instead.

And I put my phone down, to try to see if I could sleep for the tenth time, but I couldn't…

Then I started questioning the link I had with my phone, it turns out I replaced porn addiction (although I consider myself on the way out of porn addiction, I’m not done with it yet 100 %) with another addiction, which is phone addiction…

It’s better than getting addicted to porn but it is still an addiction(phone).

I spend 4-5hours on my phone binge-watching youtube videos, that’s 35 hours/week, 140hours/month, approximately that’s 6 days/ month of screen time on my phone…

Man, our brains are magnificent and stupid at the same time, just when I thought things are getting better with my porn addiction, i discover i have another one…

So what I did is I grabbed my phone another time ( see what I told you) while I was laying in bed, but this time to search for the term phone addiction then I came across a book about it…

It’s called Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alterb, it's a great book.

Reading the first 30 pages is how I knew I had a problem with my phone.

And the good news is how hard it can be, I mean I’m already doing well, battling porn, which I consider far more addictive than my phone.

So keeping my phone usage in control will be an easy challenge to achieve.

We will see about that soon.

After reading those 30 pages. Finally, my eyes were closing down a little, then I put the book down, and went to sleep at 2:30 am.

Last night was rough, thank god I didn't relapse.

Because of last night, I'm more aware of what I'm dealing with. I thought I’m only addicted to porn, but I’m also addicted to my phone.

One thing I know for sure is I’m not going to be discouraged by this.

It’s the complete opposite. Now I'm more committed to getting clean and playing by my rules, not some big tech giant's rules or the porn industry’s rules. I refuse to be just another statistic.

A new challenge has just begun.

Stay strong kings.

Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day74, no po, no mo(hardmode).

After finishing yesterday’s journal, I downloaded a screen time tracker app on my phone.

To get an idea of how much time I’m on it.

Turns out My daily average is 5h30min/day. My longest daily usage is 8h.

So there you go.

After I installed the app, yesterday was actually the lowest time I spent on my phone which was 4h30min/day, an hour less than my average daily usage.

Not bad for a start, huh.

Although I consider 5h30min average daily use is too much time spent holding a phone. But not all that time is wasted doing unmeaningful things.

Actually, yesterday’s 4h30min were all spent doing useful things(reading a book, learning a new language, listening to podcasts, watching good youtube content…).

Which brings me to my porn addiction. yesterday I didn’t get any urges at all because I was spending my time wisely. Even when I had them while I was laying down on my bed to sleep, I ignored them easily.

When you put your brain into useful tasks you no longer have time to think about porn, even if you do, just ignore it and move on.

Talk tomorrow.

Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day75, no po, no mo(hardmode).

Yesterday was normal, I didn't get any urges throughout the day.

But when I went to bed, I couldn't sleep till an hour later.

An hour laying in bed, by myself, in the dark.

Switching sides, from my left side to the right, and on my back.

You can tell that that hour wasn’t easy, cuz that’s when my brain is tricking me into relapse.

I thought about it many times(relapsing), but thank god I didn't act on it.

Although my phone was just 2 feet away from my bed, I could easily reach it and pull the trigger…

But my brain has to do better than that, I’m not falling for the same trick twice.

So I just kept staring at the ceiling till I fell asleep. and drove my dopamine-seeking demon to madness.

I’m not going to throw 70+days of no PMO away. if I did then all the suffering and fighting I’ve been through will be pointless.

To hell with it. It’s even going hard or going home.

From now on the sky's the limit.

Peace.

Ezel.
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 79, no po, no mo(hardmode).

So far so good, I'm still fighting and pushing.

With 11 days left to complete the 90 days challenge of no PMO, I’m feeling so motivated and can’t wait to push the boundaries even more.

Matter of fact I'm not planning on relapsing any time soon.

Although yesterday night was a little risky.

Because while I was on my phone browsing a (non-related to porn) website, every time I click on something a new tap opens containing porn.

Like free cams, let’s chat. I'm hot right now, nude pictures and that sort of stuff…

Every time I see something I close the tab and return to the main website to click on what I was looking for, and a new pop-up shows up just like the last one with porn in it…

I kept exiting and exiting until I became frustrated and closed the browser altogether…

Part of what happened was because the browser had no ad blocker in it, that’s why those pop-ups kept showing up like crazy…

Thank god I didn’t get tempted to go into that rabbit hole, cuz I saw glimpses of porn (I'm not going to lie) and closed it immediately. It was an act of free will.

It’s freeing, I mean the fact that you can control your impulses instead of them controlling you.

You can feel the power that you have over your brain and guide it towards good things and keep the bad things away.

That’s what human beings are all about.

The only creature that has the willpower of all the other creatures God put here on earth.

And with great power comes great responsibility.

Stay strong kings, we got this.

Peace.

Ezel.
 
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