Day73, no po, no mo(hardmode).
The same thing happened last night as the day before.
I couldn’t get my freaking mind to sleep, I was so stressed out.
Part of it is, I took a nap earlier that day, I was so sick and tired.
That’s why when I went to bed at 11 pm I kept staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep.
And as always, my junkie brain got to work.
From 11 pm till 2:30 am I was laying down on my bed, fighting urges left and right.
Did I relapse??!
Hell no.
Right now, my brain knows I can't watch porn, so it always looks for something that could lead to it.
Like twerking videos, hot girls on youtube, that sort of stuff…
In those 3 hours of battling urges, my phone was in reach, and my mind had thought of all the things I could watch on my phone to get me to relapse, strangely enough, it wasn’t porn…
But those things certainly lead to it, as I said earlier.
I kept laying down on my bed, the room was pitch black, my eyes wide open like a night owl…
Only God knows what I was dealing with…
Then, I grabbed my phone. I wasn’t looking for those hot girl's videos on youtube, but my brain was dying for them to show up as suggestions on my youtube feed.
Lucky me, nothing showed up, and I watched a useful video instead.
And I put my phone down, to try to see if I could sleep for the tenth time, but I couldn't…
Then I started questioning the link I had with my phone, it turns out I replaced porn addiction (although I consider myself on the way out of porn addiction, I’m not done with it yet 100 %) with another addiction, which is phone addiction…
It’s better than getting addicted to porn but it is still an addiction(phone).
I spend 4-5hours on my phone binge-watching youtube videos, that’s 35 hours/week, 140hours/month, approximately that’s 6 days/ month of screen time on my phone…
Man, our brains are magnificent and stupid at the same time, just when I thought things are getting better with my porn addiction, i discover i have another one…
So what I did is I grabbed my phone another time ( see what I told you) while I was laying in bed, but this time to search for the term phone addiction then I came across a book about it…
It’s called Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked by Adam Alterb, it's a great book.
Reading the first 30 pages is how I knew I had a problem with my phone.
And the good news is how hard it can be, I mean I’m already doing well, battling porn, which I consider far more addictive than my phone.
So keeping my phone usage in control will be an easy challenge to achieve.
We will see about that soon.
After reading those 30 pages. Finally, my eyes were closing down a little, then I put the book down, and went to sleep at 2:30 am.
Last night was rough, thank god I didn't relapse.
Because of last night, I'm more aware of what I'm dealing with. I thought I’m only addicted to porn, but I’m also addicted to my phone.
One thing I know for sure is I’m not going to be discouraged by this.
It’s the complete opposite. Now I'm more committed to getting clean and playing by my rules, not some big tech giant's rules or the porn industry’s rules. I refuse to be just another statistic.
A new challenge has just begun.
Stay strong kings.
Peace.
Ezel.