Day 105, no po, no mo (monk mode).
After over a month of waiting. finally, I had a wet dream this early morning, i didn’t know i had one till i woke up, usually, when I get one it will be so intense that it wakes me up in the middle of the night, but this one i had wasn’t like that, probably because i was sick yesterday and very tired, and I’m still are as I'm writing this, i woke up with a terrible headache i didn’t even go to college today.
Yesterday when i caught a cold, was one of the most challenging days in this 100 +days of monk mode. Urges about a plus-size thick curvy model started popping up inside my head. I’m not going to lie i even checked her social media account, you gotta understand i’m not proud of doing this or writing it down here, but this is my journey and i want it to be as authentic as possible, they will always be ups and downs, it’s not a linear process like everyone wishes it to be, i thought about not writing this mistake but that will make me a hypocrite, not only to you guys but also to me, and i don’t want to be one.
This happened to me before, my brain would always play tricks on me while i was sick, cuz i would feel terrible, tired, and stressed so it was the perfect opportunity to make me relapse and it worked like a charm, lucky me yesterday as i was scrolling through her posts for a while, i snapped out of it, i knew if i kept going like this, i will end up relapsing, thank god that didn’t happen, even though I had all the symptoms a guy would experience before a relapse (heavy breathing, my heart pounding like crazy, goosebumps, I was shaking). Man, it was captivating.
i Got out before it was too late, or else I would be binge-watching porn right now instead of writing this. I'm so grateful. I think the wet dream I had this morning has something to do with what happened yesterday. All those urges and the momentum that kept building up got released through that wet dream, right at the moment when I needed it the most, the perfect timing at its finest.
I know it’s not over, as a matter of fact, what I saw yesterday, will likely come back to bite me in the azz, sooner or later. God help me.
I knew this could happen, it always does, abstaining from porn and masturbation for over 100 days in a row is not easy and not impossible either, it depends on your plan and your approach when it comes to what triggers you the most, that’s why i choose the monk mode approach, where i eliminate every trigger that could set me up for failure. I know what i did yesterday wasn’t monk mode at all, i was supposed to not watch any artificial stimulation of any kind, yeah i messed up really bad, but the important thing to keep in mind is I’m still here, i didn’t go back to that filth. But i gotta be careful next time, and keep my guard up.
If you think that by completing the 90 days challenge of no PMO, you got healed then i will tell you that’s not how it works, been there done that. all the relapses i had in the past were after 90 days, i hope no one will get discouraged by this, you should be proud of yourself that you made it past three months. however, don’t get cocky and assume that you crossed the river and your feet are dry, if you looked at it that way probably you are still in the middle of the river and you still didn’t make it to the other side. All I’m saying is you have to be alert that’s all there is to it…
Man, i hate this addiction, it’s sneaky AF. i hope this will never happen again, and the key for me to not let it happen is to keep myself busy, that’s why i almost messed up yesterday, cuz i was just laying down and not doing anything, and then my brain made its move on me, thank goodness it didn’t turn ugly.
keep pushing guys, and stay hard.
Peace.
Ezel.