Monky's Log

Monky

New Member
Today is Friday, February 4. Day 0. I just closed a 'session' of PMO. The last one, I hope.
I'm starting a reboot log to monitor my progress and learn from you guys.
I've been here before, but fell off the wagon.
Fascinated by porn since I discovered it at age 10, a long time ago. The usual story, magazines, VHS cassettes. Escalated after getting broadband. Tried to quit countless times. No unusual fetishes, mainstream hardcore.
Main reason to quit: the addiction is eating up all of my energy, attention, my will. I'm not getting anything meaningful done in my life. I just get by by doing the bare minimum. This monster is destroying my life.
Looking forward to tomorrow: day 1.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Welcome and glad your are starting the journey! Lot's of resources on this site. Journaling helps bring PMO to light even though anonymously.
 

Oldnewguy

Member
Welcome back man. I think Jerry is right. Lots of great people and resources on this forum. You will find that if you commit to making this change, you will experience wonderful benefits in your life.
 

Monky

New Member
Thanks guys! Thank you for the welcome and the support.
I'll try to get into the habit of posting regularly. I know that is helpful. I found out the hard way there are a couple of dangerous turns in the road to recovery. One is the point where you think you don't need a daily practice / reminder / support system anymore.
That milestone is still far away in the future for me at this point.

Day one went well. I noticed some P-related fantasies and thoughts while shifting from dreaming to waking. During the day everything went well.
It was a busy and long day, so in terms of the addiction that's good.
Some difficulty urinating. I think due to over stimulation of the area. It usually goes away by itself in a day or 2.
It's evening on this side of the globe. The most dangerous time of the day. Getting back into a healthy sleep cycle is top priority. So I will try to log off early and not be online without a purpose.
At some point I'll probably start sharing some more about my struggles with this addiction. For now, I'm setting up the basics for recovery, and getting enough sleep is crucial.

During my last PMO binge, just before I quit and started this journal, I had a strange but familiar experience: it was like watching myself go through the motions of getting ready to indulge in a session of PMO. I'm watching myself, thinking 'I don't want to do this'. But I have no control. It just happens. I'm being overruled. Then the moment I see the first graphic images, there's a rush of excitement and the awareness that I don't want to do this fades. Only after I finish, immediately the painful reality sets in. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Like I have been hijacked. I want to be the one calling the shots. I want freedom.
 
I hear this and understand it completely. It’s such a vicious cycle and I’m tired of it! Hope you are able to get the support here that you need/want
 

Monky

New Member
Ok so I did it again... I lost my vigilance for a split second and ...there we go again... Day 0 all over again.
I'm angry, sad and confused at the same time. I cannot believe I didn't even manage to stay sober for 1 day.
Every time I tried to go cold turkey before, I've come up short and had to conclude I always underestimate my opponent.
The longest stretch I managed was about 3 months, but that was some time ago and I feel things have gotten worse since then. During the past couple of months, I switched from mainly mainstream hardcore porn to mainly webcam sites. I told myself that was "less bad" somehow; but I soon noticed I needed my hit sooner and more often.

I installed a paid program to block adult content. It's not difficult to de-install or to temporarily disable it, but it delays the first impulse. It's not easy to block access to porn on all your devices in a way that cannot be tampered with. I would have to grant amin rights to someone else I trust, they then would have change the master password... Not doable now.
 
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