Reboot/Recovery Journal 30yr Old

This will be my reboot/recovery Journal. I am a 30 yr old guy not married, and not currently dating. I have been addicted to PMO for probably over half of my life. I have tried to quit at age 20, and at age 25. The longest I can go without PMO is about a week. I feel now I am more turned against porn in my mind and heart and see it for what it is. I have always suffered from really strong urges, and use PMO to relax, destress, and deal with high anxiety.

I hope to one day complete 90 days no PMO.
 
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Week 1

This was my first week trying reboot. I was able to PMO free for 6 days, on day seven I relapsed and PMO about 5 times as well as 5 times PMO today, my first day of week 2.

After one week and my relapse, I feel overwhelmed. This drug is so consuming and such an integral part of my life. Last week I did try some different strategies to use instead of PMO with success. However, at the end of the week I felt completely exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed and all I could do was PMO. I do feel like giving up, but I have learned a lot and want to keep going. I think it is just going to take some time to get over this. It feels like there can be a sense of gentleness and patience even thought this addiction is extreme and needs extreme measures to get over it.

The first week i learned alot using this website, forum, fortify app, and videos by Dr. Trish on youtube. I can see how porn is a dopamine drug and I need to turn from it and find that dopamine and pleasure and purpose in the real world. I had some success doing this. I jogged alot. I am also an artist so I was able to use my art to get a dopamine hit.

Moving forward I want to try another week of no PMO and hopefully won't feel exhausted after the week.
 
Week 2 (post relapse, staring over ) Day 1 midday
After starting over with no PMO I woke up with a familiar feeling and urge. An urge to PMO but also a deep pain and anxiety in my heart. I have been dealing with this feeling a long time. Maybe its porn related, or I used porn to cover up this feeling. Regardless I feel I am committed to choosing something healthy to heal this feeling.

I am also starting to get better I see the PMO urge thoughts and talk back to them when they happen. I am clearer on my reasons for quitting and what I hope to gain
  • I am done with seeking dopamine high from porn, it is unnatural and unhealthy for my brain
  • PMO is not consistent with me as a person of integrity, dignity
  • I cannot be hiding in this addiction forever
  • I want to be free of constantly needing this to cope with everyday life
  • I am so excited to return to the wonderful things of the world for natural dopamine, pleasure et.c
    • including music, art, nature (the marsh which I love), friends, exercise, spirituality, mindfulness - find peace and normalcy
  • I someday want a healthy relationship and family life
There are still some small urges but I am feeling like they are not controlling me, and I can't go back to PMO

Hope everyone is well and god bless everyone on this journey. It seems in one way so extreme and painful, but I think the more I do it, it will become a new normal. Be comfortable being uncomfortable and then find real comfort peace, and all the rest
 
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Day 1 night

Just MO, I feel like I failed already, but if I can keep it to just this and no P for now this is okay. tomorrow will try no PMO. I was drawing late at night and was overcome, I just MO. I feel like I failed a little bit, but I am making up my mind that this is all. And this is progress. Perhaps was too tired and should have just gone to sleep instead of trying to occupy myself with drawing. Nonetheless it happenned and tomorrow I will try again
 
Day 2 Afternoon

Today I can battle the urges, well more specifically I can really see my brain slipping to want PMO. I can see it in my mind. The problem is 1. Do I really want to be free of this and 2. At this point I am having urges alot, almost every 10-15 minutes through the entire day. That is tough and crazy to think my brain is looking for that dopamine high that much.

I have not slipped up or relapsed today. Again, i just feel my brain slipping around alot. I did try and do one thing outside to get my mind off it. Maybe i need to do something else tonight to make sure. If I can get through today that would be a huge victory.

This fight takes all I can give. WOW
 
Day 2 Night

Today may have been a small turning point. Through the morning I had a huge urge to MO or maybe PMO. I still wasn't sure if I was going to be able to resist the urge. Around 3:00 I had the chance to sneak back home and wank it. However, I don;t know what happenned I kept going with my work and did some good work and the urge went away. I really enjoyed the afternoon. Since then the urges have been much lower. I also realized some more things about this addicaitn
  • This is not so much about sexuality and sexual attraction its about dopamine and brain mood regulation, the brain has been hijacked and is so hungry for the dopamine
  • how unhealth hyper masturbation and hyper sexualitiy is. I need time to heal 90 days at least.
  • It is alway tempting in some sense to PMO but my brain is getting less of an urge, it is letting it gp

Do I really want to give it up, its sweet and alluring - slowly my brain is saying no. I believe the research, and I have lived it. This drug is cunning, and also the world is telling you its okay, just lust, just MO, just PMO, look at women all the time, sexualize them

This is still the craziest thing I have ever done, maybe. Last week was wild, so is this week. I am learning so much from the community and from people who are vocal about this drug.

Good momentum today and maybe a turning point, I am putting faith in something, in the small voice against the massive dopamine fiend brain. The small voice of truth and deep wisdom. I hope I can keep listeing and we all can keep listeing. I have been overrun for so long. I am seeking freedom
 
Temptation is a lie, see it for what it is. IT is a fake whisper, a fake promise for somehting you can find naturally in the world
 
Day 3 Early Evening

Day three has a good ring to it. Today the urges are definitely lower. The tough thing is in my mind I still want to MO, I still want to just lust about girls and live that super sex-object-predatory life. The lust is a lie, although often I do not feel like believing that its better without it.

I think one big thing is that even though I still want to run home, drop the pants and just wank it, there is a part deep inside me that knows, life is so much better without it. Without the drug this is life. My days will be full of true stress relief in the world w/ natural dopamine.

It is tough to deny the brains want to MO, its like the culture supports it and we have been told or whole life the MO is fine amd PMO is fine and keep sexualizing women, all day, with each new woman you think about.

Again the urge is getting smaller, and a part of me just really doesn't want to go back. I pray that that part continues to grow. I am wicked in this part, and may it be healed and my heart changed. I will keep reading and learning and changing it on my part, to the best of my ability, and ask god to change my heart as well.

To all those you know they want to quit but still have tempetation
 
Day 3 Night

Wrapping up this day, the urges are getting lower, but still some come that are hard to pass by. Some speicifc thoughts about specific girls or specific scenes etc. My brain is being clever trying to get me to wank it. Not gonna happen

So far with no MO last three days I have noticed a real increase in my artistic creativity and production, I am an artist and have always been pretty productive. However looking back I realize that I was using porn to block my creativity and dopamine I get from art. I hope this conitnues

I mean again I think the urges are getting lower, with a few that are powerful. IT is really cool that I can see the urge and label it for what it is. This is huge progres where as before I was just hijacked from the urge. Now I can see it, for what it, something fake tricking me into getting dopamine (the dopamine seeker) It is never fulfilled, it will never be fulfilled. It is the enemy, the dopamine seeker. It is a cheap animal trick my human spiritual being is not gonna take.

This journey is really crzy, I mean I feel like an addict coming off drugs (which is what it is, but its just like wow). I can do the 90 day challenge. I need the washout and rewire. Can you imainge how good life will be?
 
Day 4 - 4:00 I MO twice and then MO at 7:00 am

I woke up with way early with huge desire to MO. I thought this may be a turning point if I can resist. I tried to listen to music and go back to sleep, however I ended up MO twice, then woke up with a slight erection and more urge and MO

I have a slight urge to watch porn, but I wont. The MO is frustrating and feels like a small failure. But If I just get back on track I can continue with the progress I am making. My goal is to do 90 day no PMO, but the MO seems like a big challenge.

Life is much better without all the compulsive MO.
 
Day 4 - 4:00 I MO twice and then MO at 7:00 am

I woke up with way early with huge desire to MO. I thought this may be a turning point if I can resist. I tried to listen to music and go back to sleep, however I ended up MO twice, then woke up with a slight erection and more urge and MO

I have a slight urge to watch porn, but I wont. The MO is frustrating and feels like a small failure. But If I just get back on track I can continue with the progress I am making. My goal is to do 90 day no PMO, but the MO seems like a big challenge.

Life is much better without all the compulsive MO.
I imagine the urge to MO will subside with time. I have found in the past when I tried to kick the porn habit that when I got the urge to MO or even PMO, I'd exercise. Maybe that can work for you. Keep working towards your goal! We can beat this together, brother!
 
Day 4 night

Today I had a small relapse and PMO. I was exhausted and tried to get out but later in the afternoon tried to take a nap and then I PMO.

I am going to just move past it for now are get back on track. I can't go back to how I was before.
 
Day 5 Afternoon,

Woke up with much less urge today. I was feeling pretty good this morning and this afternoon. For the most part I am fighting the urges which are as much today. Still in my mind I can hear the little voice trying to lure me back into fanatsy and MO then PMO.

My plan to fight it today is:
1. spend some time readin the forums and some of the research about p addiction
2. Go to the library to get out of the house
3. watch the superbowl later

I do need to recommit everyday, this addiciton is constatnyl trying to get me to slip up. However, I am hoping the urges will go down as time goes on. One thing I am thinking is that I can't go back to the way I was. Right now, it does feel difficult to move foward and again I can feel the urge. But I can't go back to where I was
 
Day 5 Night

Enjoyed the afternoon. I spend reading the EasyPeasy book. It was helpful in showing me how the addiction itself creates the urge. When I have an urge, its not really that I truly need to orgasm or look at women. The PMO addiction tricks me into creating that need in order to start the dopamine cylce, which in turn never gets satisfied, it just creates another cyle of urge, PMO, then urge, PMO etc.

The PMO cycle also creates the high level of anxiety and stress in order to get the dopamine hit. Although life can be stressfull at times, it is the dopamine cylce that bumps up stress, anxiety, urge, sexuality to get a dopamine hit from PMO. It is a trick, it can fool me, but not any more. Porn can fool me, but not any more. I am giving up the PMO, and with that there is no more urge. haha, sounds funny but maybe is true. e

This journey is helping me learn a lot about addiction, myseff and our crazy wild world.

the urges are defineley lower today. Had a few times where I couild have ran in my room and just PMO but chose not to, and I don;t know there really wasn'y an urge or whatever.

So I am staying strong, I am keeping to my journey. In some sense my mind says just PMO, just fantasized, go look at the women, and just orgasm. But that is just it without that, there is no more cylce, no more urge. There is absolutely no need for PMO, MO, P etc.

I am keeping fighting and learning ;p
 
Day 6

PMO 3 times one at night 2 this morning, MO once.

I felt i was doing good last night but then as i was trying to sleep, I had the opportunity and went for it. Then this morning i slipped again and went for it twice. In the mornings it will help to just get moving. I also am in between jobs, which the new one starts in one week. That will really hwlp with the morning urge

Today my plan is:
Get some exercise
read more about the addiction


keep trying. I can't give up, I have nothing to lose.
I am not too bummed I am having a hard time. I know myself and know how compulsive MO and PMO are for me. Ive got to remember the pleasure is not worth the horrible health effects on me
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
Day 6

PMO 3 times one at night 2 this morning, MO once.

I felt i was doing good last night but then as i was trying to sleep, I had the opportunity and went for it. Then this morning i slipped again and went for it twice. In the mornings it will help to just get moving. I also am in between jobs, which the new one starts in one week. That will really hwlp with the morning urge

Today my plan is:
Get some exercise
read more about the addiction


keep trying. I can't give up, I have nothing to lose.
I am not too bummed I am having a hard time. I know myself and know how compulsive MO and PMO are for me. Ive got to remember the pleasure is not worth the horrible health effects on me
Hello Brother!
I just wanted to let you know I'm following you and want to support you. You are endeavoring to confront behaviors that most people don't even dare to admit they have a problem with. I think that's one of the biggest obstacles and very courageous in and of itself.

Some of the things that have been helpful to me my journey are placing filters on my phone as a safety net. They limit my ability to view porn.

I have an Android device and use "bulldog blocker" along with an app called "stay focused."
These have been very helpful as I mainly view from my cell phone.

One of the things I've done for a buddy of mine who uses an iPhone is to place parental restrictions on his phone. Only I have the code to release the parental restrictions.

Keep your head up. You're not alone. 👊
 
Hello Brother!
I just wanted to let you know I'm following you and want to support you. You are endeavoring to confront behaviors that most people don't even dare to admit they have a problem with. I think that's one of the biggest obstacles and very courageous in and of itself.

Some of the things that have been helpful to me my journey are placing filters on my phone as a safety net. They limit my ability to view porn.

I have an Android device and use "bulldog blocker" along with an app called "stay focused."
These have been very helpful as I mainly view from my cell phone.

One of the things I've done for a buddy of mine who uses an iPhone is to place parental restrictions on his phone. Only I have the code to release the parental restrictions.

Keep your head up. You're not alone. 👊
Thanks buddy yeah I will try the filters! Thanks for that really good comment man, that is encouraging. I am back on track these past two days! Peace and thanks a ton
 
Day 1 and 2 (started over)

Started over after a relapse. In one sense I felt like I was just failing but in another I feel that I am solidifying in my head that I can't live with PMO and MO. Its a drug, a disease. I think when I do it now I can really feel the brain fog and total brain shutdown, lol from it. I am feeling more motivated to quit it

Doing good these days no PMO, no MO.

Urges not too bad, but the one thing I realize is this deep pang of anxiety and even emotional pain in my heart and stomach. In the past either the PMO caused this, or this is an issue that I used PMO to medicate from. I am looking to face this pain and heal it and be free from it. I also think one aspect I noticed about PMO is the "forbidden fruit" feeling. this seems to entice me, becuase I know its wrong, and that feeling urges you on.

So Im doing better back on it
 
Today I wanted to write about some of how I am feeling. Since quitting PMO and MO , and learning more about the science of the addiction, and the nature of the PMO, I have noticed that I have a pain/anxiety in my heart and stomach that I typically use PMO to soothe. As part of PMO I can also just see how fantasizing about sex, women, etc. is another method to soothe. But not only this, neurologically there is a connection that has been forged here. If this makes any sense, I can feel how I use fantasizing about women, and subseqeuntly PMO to soothe this pain. OR, on the other hand maybe hyper stimulation from fantasy and PMO has caused this pain. In one sense it doesn;t really matter, bottom line is its time to unwire the fantasy, MO, PMO. However I do think there is probably some personal emotional issues here, whether it be pain from something in my family, or just my personal struggle with high anxiety, which I know I have a strong disposition for.

What I am getting to is that one, I can now see what is going on. I know I need to break the connection between this anxiety pain and fantasy. Here too I noticed the "forbidden fruit" aspect. In particular when feeling these things I get these forbidden sexual urge to fantasize, look at women, etc. This forbidden fruit aspect I know is wrong and hurts, but it is a pleasure/pain thing I believe. I am writing just to get this out of my body.

Some ways I think can help is to write and share, so if anyone has any thoughts let me know about anxiety pains etc.

I am looking to rewire my urges to natural, healthy things like exercise, surfing, and art which I am doing. However the pain urges right now are SUPER high, haha I'm laughing but really its like there is a deep pain in me that wants to be soothed by fantasy, PMO, and MO.

It seems I can go around 3 days before the urge just overwhelms me, especially late at night or even waking me up really really early so I can MO/PMO. Now I need to break this cylce. Not just willpower, but through realizing I have two choices, keep the pain cylce going, or break FREE and find health and beuaty elsehwere. Wishful thinkign? Maybe not, I am feeling more committed to this.

Thanks to all on this journey. LOL, like everything its appears complex but there is hope
 
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