Miles to Go

[Blondie]

Hey @Chuckles, I definitely understand what you're saying about being a procrastinator. It's something I'm still working on day by day, and it's not always easy. Porn (or any other substance), gives us the illusion of being okay when we really should be doing something else, thus, the anxiety is never resolved and is only pushed aside to come back even stronger the next time after the high wears off! It's a sick monkey!

I'm glad to hear things are going well with the GF- nice!

Stay strong brother, no need to go back to that filth, 228 days is quite the achievement!

 

[Chuckles]

Day 242
Hi all. Still here, still no PMO.
Once again I have a lot going on, and feeling a bit overwhelmed. Once again neglecting my exercise (although my diet has been a bit better). And once again having the urges and dreams. But overall I have a positive outlook, and that's keeping me going.

As always, I hope you are all doing well in your journey.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 270
Once again, sorry I've been gone for so long. I've been busy, but also mentally preoccupied. I moved again, and went on a big out of town trip.
I've got huge plans coming up in the next 6 months too.

As far as addiction goes, I've been pretty good. I still miss porn sometimes. And I still have the desire to watch it sometimes. I'm afriad that might never go away. But as far as addictions go, I've only really had porn and smoking. You could make the argument for video games, but IDK, that's a whole different conversation. What I will say is, this one (porn) has had the biggest hold on me, and has had the most negative impact on my life. I recently started smoking again, mostly due to stress, but I'm confident I'll be able to break that again by the end of November (I've already bought the patches, and have quit before). There are moments of weakness where I stop and think "would it really be that bad if I started watching porn again?" And then I stop and think it's a little odd I'd even have that conversation with myself. Of course the desire is there, but so is the knowledge that it's done so much harm, and that I have a real relationship to look forward to, and so much to lose now. PMO is a terrible idea! The 10th of this month will be 8 months, and next Feb 10th will be 1 year! I know I can do this! Especially considering how many plans and projects I have to distract me.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 308
It's been over a month since I've logged in here.
Life has been very up and down. Mostly down if we're being honest. I essentially lost my job, but not technically. I was 1099'd, and my boss has no work for me these days. I can't get unemployment because I was technically an independent contractor and paid nothing into unemployment insurance. I'm stressing on how I'm going to pay my bills and get my feet back under me.

Today I almost relapsed. I paid for a year of a megasite back in January. Today, I logged in, and started looking for a video to PMO to. I didn't. I closed the window, then went to the bathroom to MO (thinking about my GF, not porn). That's the closest I've come in my road to recovery. I feel guilty about it, and obviously I can't forget that I'm still a recovering addict, and that stressful times are the easiest times to slip into relapse.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Chuckles, sorry to hear about your job loss. Stay strong brother, it is never worth it my friend. If I've learned anything over this last streak, it's that whatever I think is "really bad" or "stressful" in my life, eventually passes on and things become normalized again. I know finding a new job is hard, but it's a normal thing when you stop to think about it, something that everyone has to experience at least once in their life.

One day at a time. Think how far you've come. If you look at porn now, all of your stress will still be there after the lights fade, and you return from your porn induced daze. Only then your stress levels will be twice as bad as they were before, plus all the guilt and shame.

It's never worth it.

You're inspiring, keep going

Best

 

[Chuckles]

Hey @Chuckles, sorry to hear about your job loss. Stay strong brother, it is never worth it my friend. If I've learned anything over this last streak, it's that whatever I think is "really bad" or "stressful" in my life, eventually passes on and things become normalized again. I know finding a new job is hard, but it's a normal thing when you stop to think about it, something that everyone has to experience at least once in their life.

One day at a time. Think how far you've come. If you look at porn now, all of your stress will still be there after the lights fade, and you return from your porn induced daze. Only then your stress levels will be twice as bad as they were before, plus all the guilt and shame.

It's never worth it.

You're inspiring, keep going

Best

Thanks for the support!

I didn't give in, but came close. I'm trying to see the positive. I realize the only way through depressive episodes is through them. There's no avoiding, no "going around". And I remember that my PMO only ever helped in the moment, and only ever made things worse in the big picture. I caught myself saying that just a little wouldn't be that bad. That only one or two videos, only MO 2 or 3 times to P, just wait until that subscription expires then I can just quit again. But that's just bargaining. That's just the addiction using depression to pop back into my life like a cold sore. Not today.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 349
I realize that I go much longer times between logins here. And I'm definitely not as involved with supporting and encouraging other members as I used to be. Sorry about that. I honestly hope you're all doing well in your lives and recoveries.

I'm seriously considering just going off the wagon. Like it's becoming less and less of an "in the moment" feeling, and more of an ongoing "why keep this up?" I don't feel the passion or commitment to being PMO free anymore, and IDK, maybe I'd be okay as an every now and then thing. Which, when I started, I considered. At the 3 and 6 month marks I decided to stay porn free, but I don't know if I ever fully made a lifelong commitment.

Spoiler: Potential Trigger

There are a few specific scenes I really want to look up and PMO to. Like I know they still exist somewhere on the internet, almost certainly for free. And I know there are always brand new girls on the casting sites. And those videos usually end up on one free site or another within a few days. That voice in my head is tempting me. I could be watching them in less than a minute. It's difficult to not do it. And I feel like I'm tempting fate by entertaining the idea.

I guess I could just go one day at a time until I have the resolve to stay committed to this, or until I make the conscious decision to start using porn again. Otherwise I feel like I'm just going to slip at some point.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Chuckles. You do what you think you should do, but you couldn't pay me to look at that shit again. I forget if you had PIED or not, but I've been in your shoes, went even 517 days, then looked at porn and it all returned, not instantly, but it did return and become much worse than it ever was before. Scared me shitless. I too told myself maybe just once in a while would be okay, but that was a lie, because this crack is just too strong once you've open the floodgates again. It took me two years or so to get myself back on track where I am now, I'm just a month away from 517 days again. Obviously, that's my life and your story is different, however, if it was a problem before, then most likely it will bite you in the ass again. Porn takes no prisoners.

Just my opinion brother.

Good luck either way.

 

[Chuckles]

Hey @Chuckles. You do what you think you should do, but you couldn't pay me to look at that shit again. I forget if you had PIED or not, but I've been in your shoes, went even 517 days, then looked at porn and it all returned, not instantly, but it did return and become much worse than it ever was before. Scared me shitless. I too told myself maybe just once in a while would be okay, but that was a lie, because this crack is just too strong once you've open the floodgates again. It took me two years or so to get myself back on track where I am now, I'm just a month away from 517 days again. Obviously, that's my life and your story is different, however, if it was a problem before, then most likely it will bite you in the ass again. Porn takes no prisoners.

Just my opinion brother.

Good luck either way.

I get what you're saying, and I'm a little afraid of that myself too. There's that fear that the "little bit is okay" is a lie. I never had PEID, but did have some prostate issues (which I suspect were from excessive edging, but don't know for sure). There were also times I was less interested in real sex than I should have been, and less erect. So probably the beginnings of PEID. I'm recommitting to no PMO at least until I hit the 1 year mark.

 

[Chuckles]

And thanks for the support. Congratulations on how far you've come, and your resolve.

 

[Blondie]

I know you mentioned that there are some people who can go back once in a while, like an alcoholic etc. However, these cases are few and far in between, and I would be very cautious to assume by chance that you'll been in that "lucky" 1%. And from what you said, if you were possibly starting to experience slight pied (besides that prostate issue which sounds quite scary to me) don't think for a moment it won't come back with a vengeance. I read an article somewhere, can't find it a the moment, but my experience backs it up, that returning to porn for cases like you and I where it's been a long time, can be even MORE damaging than someone who is still looking at it frequently. My pied compared to some was very little while I was still looking at porn, but when I returned after 500 days, only then, did it become a real issue, which blew my mind to say the least.

Not trying to sound pedantic but you've come a long ways, and some guys around here would give their right arm to be as far as you. If you look now, you would lose months of progress, that's all I'm saying.

Best to you @Chuckles.