Miles to Go

[Blondie]

Hey @Chuckles, I definitely understand what you're saying about being a procrastinator. It's something I'm still working on day by day, and it's not always easy. Porn (or any other substance), gives us the illusion of being okay when we really should be doing something else, thus, the anxiety is never resolved and is only pushed aside to come back even stronger the next time after the high wears off! It's a sick monkey!

I'm glad to hear things are going well with the GF- nice!

Stay strong brother, no need to go back to that filth, 228 days is quite the achievement!

 

[Chuckles]

Day 242
Hi all. Still here, still no PMO.
Once again I have a lot going on, and feeling a bit overwhelmed. Once again neglecting my exercise (although my diet has been a bit better). And once again having the urges and dreams. But overall I have a positive outlook, and that's keeping me going.

As always, I hope you are all doing well in your journey.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 270
Once again, sorry I've been gone for so long. I've been busy, but also mentally preoccupied. I moved again, and went on a big out of town trip.
I've got huge plans coming up in the next 6 months too.

As far as addiction goes, I've been pretty good. I still miss porn sometimes. And I still have the desire to watch it sometimes. I'm afriad that might never go away. But as far as addictions go, I've only really had porn and smoking. You could make the argument for video games, but IDK, that's a whole different conversation. What I will say is, this one (porn) has had the biggest hold on me, and has had the most negative impact on my life. I recently started smoking again, mostly due to stress, but I'm confident I'll be able to break that again by the end of November (I've already bought the patches, and have quit before). There are moments of weakness where I stop and think "would it really be that bad if I started watching porn again?" And then I stop and think it's a little odd I'd even have that conversation with myself. Of course the desire is there, but so is the knowledge that it's done so much harm, and that I have a real relationship to look forward to, and so much to lose now. PMO is a terrible idea! The 10th of this month will be 8 months, and next Feb 10th will be 1 year! I know I can do this! Especially considering how many plans and projects I have to distract me.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 308
It's been over a month since I've logged in here.
Life has been very up and down. Mostly down if we're being honest. I essentially lost my job, but not technically. I was 1099'd, and my boss has no work for me these days. I can't get unemployment because I was technically an independent contractor and paid nothing into unemployment insurance. I'm stressing on how I'm going to pay my bills and get my feet back under me.

Today I almost relapsed. I paid for a year of a megasite back in January. Today, I logged in, and started looking for a video to PMO to. I didn't. I closed the window, then went to the bathroom to MO (thinking about my GF, not porn). That's the closest I've come in my road to recovery. I feel guilty about it, and obviously I can't forget that I'm still a recovering addict, and that stressful times are the easiest times to slip into relapse.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Chuckles, sorry to hear about your job loss. Stay strong brother, it is never worth it my friend. If I've learned anything over this last streak, it's that whatever I think is "really bad" or "stressful" in my life, eventually passes on and things become normalized again. I know finding a new job is hard, but it's a normal thing when you stop to think about it, something that everyone has to experience at least once in their life.

One day at a time. Think how far you've come. If you look at porn now, all of your stress will still be there after the lights fade, and you return from your porn induced daze. Only then your stress levels will be twice as bad as they were before, plus all the guilt and shame.

It's never worth it.

You're inspiring, keep going

Best

 

[Chuckles]

Hey @Chuckles, sorry to hear about your job loss. Stay strong brother, it is never worth it my friend. If I've learned anything over this last streak, it's that whatever I think is "really bad" or "stressful" in my life, eventually passes on and things become normalized again. I know finding a new job is hard, but it's a normal thing when you stop to think about it, something that everyone has to experience at least once in their life.

One day at a time. Think how far you've come. If you look at porn now, all of your stress will still be there after the lights fade, and you return from your porn induced daze. Only then your stress levels will be twice as bad as they were before, plus all the guilt and shame.

It's never worth it.

You're inspiring, keep going

Best

Thanks for the support!

I didn't give in, but came close. I'm trying to see the positive. I realize the only way through depressive episodes is through them. There's no avoiding, no "going around". And I remember that my PMO only ever helped in the moment, and only ever made things worse in the big picture. I caught myself saying that just a little wouldn't be that bad. That only one or two videos, only MO 2 or 3 times to P, just wait until that subscription expires then I can just quit again. But that's just bargaining. That's just the addiction using depression to pop back into my life like a cold sore. Not today.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 349
I realize that I go much longer times between logins here. And I'm definitely not as involved with supporting and encouraging other members as I used to be. Sorry about that. I honestly hope you're all doing well in your lives and recoveries.

I'm seriously considering just going off the wagon. Like it's becoming less and less of an "in the moment" feeling, and more of an ongoing "why keep this up?" I don't feel the passion or commitment to being PMO free anymore, and IDK, maybe I'd be okay as an every now and then thing. Which, when I started, I considered. At the 3 and 6 month marks I decided to stay porn free, but I don't know if I ever fully made a lifelong commitment.

Spoiler: Potential Trigger

There are a few specific scenes I really want to look up and PMO to. Like I know they still exist somewhere on the internet, almost certainly for free. And I know there are always brand new girls on the casting sites. And those videos usually end up on one free site or another within a few days. That voice in my head is tempting me. I could be watching them in less than a minute. It's difficult to not do it. And I feel like I'm tempting fate by entertaining the idea.

I guess I could just go one day at a time until I have the resolve to stay committed to this, or until I make the conscious decision to start using porn again. Otherwise I feel like I'm just going to slip at some point.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Chuckles. You do what you think you should do, but you couldn't pay me to look at that shit again. I forget if you had PIED or not, but I've been in your shoes, went even 517 days, then looked at porn and it all returned, not instantly, but it did return and become much worse than it ever was before. Scared me shitless. I too told myself maybe just once in a while would be okay, but that was a lie, because this crack is just too strong once you've open the floodgates again. It took me two years or so to get myself back on track where I am now, I'm just a month away from 517 days again. Obviously, that's my life and your story is different, however, if it was a problem before, then most likely it will bite you in the ass again. Porn takes no prisoners.

Just my opinion brother.

Good luck either way.

 

[Chuckles]

Hey @Chuckles. You do what you think you should do, but you couldn't pay me to look at that shit again. I forget if you had PIED or not, but I've been in your shoes, went even 517 days, then looked at porn and it all returned, not instantly, but it did return and become much worse than it ever was before. Scared me shitless. I too told myself maybe just once in a while would be okay, but that was a lie, because this crack is just too strong once you've open the floodgates again. It took me two years or so to get myself back on track where I am now, I'm just a month away from 517 days again. Obviously, that's my life and your story is different, however, if it was a problem before, then most likely it will bite you in the ass again. Porn takes no prisoners.

Just my opinion brother.

Good luck either way.

I get what you're saying, and I'm a little afraid of that myself too. There's that fear that the "little bit is okay" is a lie. I never had PEID, but did have some prostate issues (which I suspect were from excessive edging, but don't know for sure). There were also times I was less interested in real sex than I should have been, and less erect. So probably the beginnings of PEID. I'm recommitting to no PMO at least until I hit the 1 year mark.

 

[Chuckles]

And thanks for the support. Congratulations on how far you've come, and your resolve.

 

[Blondie]

I know you mentioned that there are some people who can go back once in a while, like an alcoholic etc. However, these cases are few and far in between, and I would be very cautious to assume by chance that you'll been in that "lucky" 1%. And from what you said, if you were possibly starting to experience slight pied (besides that prostate issue which sounds quite scary to me) don't think for a moment it won't come back with a vengeance. I read an article somewhere, can't find it a the moment, but my experience backs it up, that returning to porn for cases like you and I where it's been a long time, can be even MORE damaging than someone who is still looking at it frequently. My pied compared to some was very little while I was still looking at porn, but when I returned after 500 days, only then, did it become a real issue, which blew my mind to say the least.

Not trying to sound pedantic but you've come a long ways, and some guys around here would give their right arm to be as far as you. If you look now, you would lose months of progress, that's all I'm saying.

Best to you @Chuckles.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 1:

Yesterday I relapsed. I made it Feb 10, 2022 through Feb 20th, 2023, or 1 year 11 days.

I slipped in the morning. And when I realized it was PM, and not yet PMO, I said screw it and just jumped back into old habits. Throughout the day, it was 3 sessions totaling about 8 hours worth of edging. @Blondie , no, PIED wasn't a major issue for me (but maybe could have become), but I suspect that my addiction to excessive edging/gooning played a part in my prostatitis and swollen ejaculatory ducts.

I'm disappointed and ashamed. But also trying to forgive myself. The scariest thing is that I feel I don't have the motivation or determination I did a year ago when I made the decision to kick the habit. Right now I'm only halfheartedly telling myself it was a one day thing and I won't go back. While the other part of me is convincing myself it's not a big deal, won't become one, and it's okay to just keep doing it.

My next step is to reassess. I don't know if I can really stay quit unless I'm in the proper mindset. Like a recovering addict that doesn't truly want to quit. IDK, maybe something to think about the next few days. I might reread the YBOP stuff, and re-watch the Terry Crews videos. Those were motivational before. And reread my posts from when I started.

Thank you all for your support and advice, and good luck in your roads to recovery.

 

[Chuckles]

I know you mentioned that there are some people who can go back once in a while, like an alcoholic etc. However, these cases are few and far in between, and I would be very cautious to assume by chance that you'll been in that "lucky" 1%. And from what you said, if you were possibly starting to experience slight pied (besides that prostate issue which sounds quite scary to me) don't think for a moment it won't come back with a vengeance. I read an article somewhere, can't find it a the moment, but my experience backs it up, that returning to porn for cases like you and I where it's been a long time, can be even MORE damaging than someone who is still looking at it frequently. My pied compared to some was very little while I was still looking at porn, but when I returned after 500 days, only then, did it become a real issue, which blew my mind to say the least.

Not trying to sound pedantic but you've come a long ways, and some guys around here would give their right arm to be as far as you. If you look now, you would lose months of progress, that's all I'm saying.

Best to you @Chuckles.

Yeah, you were right. Don't go out of your way to search, but if you do come on that article, can you please share it? Thanks.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear this @Chuckles, I really am. I've been there and I know how it feels to return to something that was just as empty as it was when you left it behind. You're right, it's going to take a few days a reassessing where you're at and to regain momentum again.

I slipped in the morning. And when I realized it was PM, and not yet PMO, I said screw it and just jumped back into old habits.

This was what happened to me as well. I started fucking around, then did this, then that, then just said "Fuck it!" and went all the way in. It was a four or five hour session, with edging the whole time. After I got off I just set there all alone in my chair, seeing myself in the screen, wondering why the fuck I got into this situation again. It is what it is.

I'm disappointed and ashamed. But also trying to forgive myself. The scariest thing is that I feel I don't have the motivation or determination I did a year ago when I made the decision to kick the habit. Right now I'm only halfheartedly telling myself it was a one day thing and I won't go back. While the other part of me is convincing myself it's not a big deal, won't become one, and it's okay to just keep doing it.

This is a real danger and something I fell into. I was so ashamed of myself, I practically gave up on the whole thing and relapsed probably six times over the course of the next month, even trying to convince myself I was over the addiction if I could go over 500 days. But it was all a lie and was just me trying to make myself feel better with a drug that made sick after returning to it after so long.

I would definitely forgive yourself, you're only human, and get back up and figure out why you really wanted to go back. I mean, you went a whole year, which is fucking amazing! Serious, you need to celebrate that fact because it it really is awesome. So you've had one bad day in a whole year, not too bad of odds if you ask me.

. I might reread the YBOP stuff, and re-watch the Terry Crews videos.

Yes, I would do that and get yourself back into gear. I will warn you though, don't think that going back a few more times won't fuck your progress up too much, because it will. As for me, I told myself that lie, and I definitely paid the consequences of my foolish deceit. Once, will set you back, but a whole month of bullshit like I did, will really set you back.

Your mind will try to rationalize now that it's okay now that you've "fucked up", just don't listen to it.

I'll try to find that article for you, I don't have the time right now though.

Best brother

 

[swimmer97]

Day 1:

Yesterday I relapsed. I made it Feb 10, 2022 through Feb 20th, 2023, or 1 year 11 days.

I slipped in the morning. And when I realized it was PM, and not yet PMO, I said screw it and just jumped back into old habits. Throughout the day, it was 3 sessions totaling about 8 hours worth of edging. @Blondie , no, PIED wasn't a major issue for me (but maybe could have become), but I suspect that my addiction to excessive edging/gooning played a part in my prostatitis and swollen ejaculatory ducts.

I'm disappointed and ashamed. But also trying to forgive myself. The scariest thing is that I feel I don't have the motivation or determination I did a year ago when I made the decision to kick the habit. Right now I'm only halfheartedly telling myself it was a one day thing and I won't go back. While the other part of me is convincing myself it's not a big deal, won't become one, and it's okay to just keep doing it.

My next step is to reassess. I don't know if I can really stay quit unless I'm in the proper mindset. Like a recovering addict that doesn't truly want to quit. IDK, maybe something to think about the next few days. I might reread the YBOP stuff, and re-watch the Terry Crews videos. Those were motivational before. And reread my posts from when I started.

Thank you all for your support and advice, and good luck in your roads to recovery.

yo my man. dont be too harsh on yourself. i realize people leigh way too much weight into the streaks. they are just a tool. This is about healing your brain. When an alcoholic is 1 year clean and drinks 1 night and goes back to being clean. thats absolutely no big deal. it can happen. just dont fall into a "dont care now" pit. like my brother @Blondie just described above.

See your streak like this: 1/366. You relapsed 1 time in 366 days. see? thats pretty insane. thats way better than i was/am doing right now and many others.. keep killing it

 

[Chuckles]

February 26, 2023, My New Day 1:
Wednesday, I made it far enough into the day that I logged in here and posted, but a little while later I was right back at it. I stayed up until about 2AM, barely got any sleep, woke up and started again, and was 10 minutes late to my therapy appointment. Thursday was bad, but less so, Friday was better. On Saturday, insomnia woke me up around 4:30, and I had a few sessions before about 10.

Yesterday I came clean to my long-distance GF. I told her how embarassed and ashamed I was. There were some other stupid things I did that I won't get into here, but most of today was me apologizing and giving her reassurance. She's been very understanding and supportive about the porn relapse, but was understandably upset that I hid it from her. She picked up on how distant I've been since Tuesday, and had internalized a lot of that distance, and is probably internalizing her boyfriend relapsing into a porn addiction.

NOTE TO FUTURE SELF: Remember what it felt like to make her cry. Remember what she looked like in the post ugly cry photo she sent you, and what a piece of shit you felt like for your part in that. Be a better man. Be a better partner.

I know how it feels to return to something that was just as empty as it was when you left it behind.

...wondering why the fuck I got into this situation again....

...trying to convince myself I was over the addiction if I could go over 500 days. But it was all a lie...

This all really resonates with me right now. There were a few periods last week of getting lost in the fog, and immediately post O thinking "WTF am I doing? What have I done?" And I now know that "just one drink" isn't an option for me.

yo my man. dont be too harsh on yourself. i realize people leigh way too much weight into the streaks. they are just a tool. This is about healing your brain. When an alcoholic is 1 year clean and drinks 1 night and goes back to being clean. thats absolutely no big deal. it can happen. just dont fall into a "dont care now" pit. like my brother @Blondie just described above.

See your streak like this: 1/366. You relapsed 1 time in 366 days. see? thats pretty insane. thats way better than i was/am doing right now and many others.. keep killing it

Thanks. I'm trying to see it that way too. My streak is broken, but it's still a good record.


So, where do I go from here?
I realize that the addiction needs to stop, and I need to get back into my recovery starting blocks. I hope that it will be easier to quit this time than last time, but I'm not stupid enough to think it will be easy. Right this minute I can't type out a whole game plan, but at the very least, I'm making the commitment to go PMO free. No looking at any porn. No looking at any nude images, unless they happen to be in a movie or something, but no watching a movie for that purpose. I told my GF that I planned on going fully orgasm free for 3 weeks, but that made her begin to feel somewhat insecure, so I'm making an exception for her, in case we do decide to do phone/text stuff. But no solo sessions.

Within the next 2 days, I will flesh out a plan regarding all the saved porn/access to sites/etc, setting up obstacles, healthier routines, and escape plans if I start venturing too close.

Thanks again for all the support everybody. You're awesome and I wish everybody luck with their recovery.

 

[Chuckles]

I know how it feels to return to something that was just as empty as it was when you left it behind.

Seriously, this should be in a book.

 

[Chuckles]

Day 2
I'm up early. Going to have some oatmeal and get in a workout. I texted my GF and she feels better this morning, which makes me feel better, which makes me feel less stressed out, and therefore less likely to struggle with addiction today. I have a few things to knock out, but I'd like to come back today or tomorrow to get this game plan written out.

It feels good to be back on the wagon.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Chuckles, so happy to hear you're back in the game brother.

I texted my GF and she feels better this morning, which makes me feel better, which makes me feel less stressed out, and therefore less likely to struggle with addiction today.

This is great. Having a team player by your side is the best thing you can have.

I'm rooting for you!

 

[Chuckles]

Day 8
I know I haven't been on, and at this point I really should be. Things have been alright for the past week. No Porn, no MO. I have been self stimulating while fantasizing, and need to get that under control too. But I've also had other stuff to keep me busy, which is good. Idle hands and all that.

Thanks for the support everyone!