Miles to Go

Chuckles

Active Member
Okay, so today a coworker came in in... a little black dress, fishnet stockings, a short red jacket, and black platform boots. Like the second hottest I've ever seen her. Which, not surprisingly, made it a bit difficult. But I'm proud of myself for not eye banging the shit out of her all day, or fantasizing about her. I figured that would be the worst possible distraction, but I managed.
Maybe that says something about my resolve, or maybe it's because I see her as friend first? IDK, either way I'm proud of myself for my ability to focus on work. I feel like the rest of the night shouldn't be too hard either.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
well done for shooting down that potential trigger. theyre just clothes, in and of themselves there is nothing remotely sexual about them. keep that in mind. seperate that concept from the person wearing them ( i dont mean take the clothes off her in your mind! for fucks sake thats the last thing youd want to do.) i mean all they are are peices of fabric, your brain is just tricking you when you attach something sexual to it.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
My balls hurt. Not like got kicked in the balls bad, but just that dull ache, almost like a bruise that hasn't quite healed.
And it's not like I've been edging or had any ladies teasing me. But I think there's a strong subconscious preoccupation with sex that may be causing it. Or maybe it's going from like 3 or 4 O a day to 0 for, what, 8 days now?

Anyway, blue balls are the worst.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Today's day 10.
Last night I had sex.
Pros: I was rock solid. I was fully present. It felt really good, seriously, holy hell.
Cons: I didn't last very long, at all. I've been pretty open with her about my addiction and recovery, and I think she gets it. She didn't seem overtly disappointed or anything.
Still no P, no MO.
So I'm thinking I'm going to have really strong urges a few days from now. I mean I kind of already do, and it hasn't even been 12 hours.
But I'll be alright. I got this.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Cons: I didn't last very long, at all.

There can be many causes for this, but being overly sensitive 'down there' may cause premature ejaculation. Self control will come after we lay off the MO for a while. We're used to how 'we like it' doing it ourselves, but rewiring with a real human being will help to develop self control.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
There can be many causes for this, but being overly sensitive 'down there' may cause premature ejaculation. Self control will come after we lay off the MO for a while. We're used to how 'we like it' doing it ourselves, but rewiring with a real human being will help to develop self control.
I figured it was something like that. That and getting older and out of shape. But who knows?
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Tonight's the end of day 11.
It was a busy couple of days. I helped a friend wall mount a TV yesterday, and went on a very spur of the moment date today. It was nice to be present and conversant. I wasn't preoccupied with thoughts of sex. It was nice to just enjoy each other's company. And even though it's probably not going to go anywhere sexually, I'm still happy I got to meet someone new.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 12. I stayed up a little past my bedtime last night. But was able to get some sleep. I think today's going to be another run of the mill day.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 12 over.
I want to fuck so bad. And normally when I want to fuck I PMO. But it's getting easier to not do that.

This gets a little dark...
So I've been doing online dating. Not rushing into anything, just meeting women and seeing what's out there. I knew there would be scammers, and I've already encountered & blocked 2. But I was not prepared for prostitutes. 1 for sure, that I blocked. And 1 I'm 99% sure about, and I haven't blocked. And this is the first time in my life I've considered it. Like any time in my life, up to a month ago, if you had asked me if I would pay for sex I would have said almost certainly not.

But I don't want to do this. Nothing against sex work or those that pay for it. But it's a line I don't want to cross. I guess I just never really had the resolve to commit to that because I've never needed to. It's weird.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 13. I'm so horny. Not physically, no MW today. But mentally I'm replaying the best of my past sexual encounters, and making up new ones.
I know it's impossible to force yourself to not think about something. So the alternative is to recognize what's happening, and let it go by. Don't lean into it, don't try to force it away.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I feel depression coming on. It's something I've dealt with my entire adult life. So I know the ebbs and flows of it. And I should have known going into this recovery that I would have to do both at the same time. I wasn't prepared for it.
I've not been keeping up with my exercise and commitments I made at the start of this.
But the good news is no PMO, and the only orgasm was sex last Friday. So at the very least I'm keeping up with that. This might be a reset and deal with mental health week.
 

Burnside627

Member
Our own mind is our worst enemy man. Project those positive thoughts as much as you can. Set Small goals like Brush your teeth in the morning, take a deep breath and smile, or reach out to someone you have been meaning to just say hi. Always small goals that add up to a big one.

definitely not being able to get that dopamine hit from P is adding to it I bet. I’m feeling it myself. You’ll get through it man.
 

logicprox

Active Member
I feel depression coming on. It's something I've dealt with my entire adult life. So I know the ebbs and flows of it. And I should have known going into this recovery that I would have to do both at the same time. I wasn't prepared for it.
I've not been keeping up with my exercise and commitments I made at the start of this.
But the good news is no PMO, and the only orgasm was sex last Friday. So at the very least I'm keeping up with that. This might be a reset and deal with mental health week.
Tomorrow sounds like a great day to keep up with your commitments. For me, I find that keeping up with one commitment motivates me to keep up with the rest, including not using PMO. They're all connected, and momentum is a real factor.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I woke up early and went to the gym this morning. That NEEDS to be my new source of dopamine. Even though I was running on less sleep, I felt more able to concentrate and in a better mood throughout the day. I obviously had ups and downs, but was more centered.

Today is day 14. Two weeks without porn. Two weeks without masturbation. Only 1 Orgasm.
In the spirit of honesty, a girl on snapchat sent unsolicited nude videos (she was trying to sell nudes/get me to pay for sex). I knowingly rewatched said nudes a few times (no self touching while doing so, so I'm counting it a soft fault, but not a day 0 reset). So no more of that. From now on I commit to blocking strangers on snapchat who solicit sex, attempt to sell nudes, or send unsolicited nudes. I will not rewatch said nudes.

I might have committed to too much at the beginning, but I do need to get into those better habits. My room is still a mess. My desk hasn't been moved. Lots of chores backed up. There's time in the week if I make it. But the most important thing in my life right now is breaking the porn addiction.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 15. Woke up really early. Can't stop fantasizing about an ex. At one point she asked if I wanted to make a sex tape, and like an idiot I said no. It's the biggest regret of my sex life. So it's one of my go to fantasies to think about what I would have asked her to do on camera (she was pretty submissive). Anyway this morning I drifted into that. Next thing I know I'm rock hard and starting to touch myself. I stopped, didn't M, didn't O. But I still need to be mindful of my brain trying to hard to get what it wants.

So instead of that I'm going to the gym for a little dopamine hit
 
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