Miles to Go

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 23
I'm still feeling that shift from PMO being "the thing I'm trying to quit" to "the thing I used to do". Which feels great. The times I get the urge are fewer and further between. I'm way less likely to have that response to something disappointing or frustrating. I feel more motivated, more outgoing, more capable, more of the man I want to be. It's awesome.
I'm still on the fence about extending my no MO for another month, maybe 2 weeks. I'm going to ask my psychologist next time I see her.
But so far, so good, and I'm really proud of myself.
I'm proud of all the people on here breaking this addiction and making themselves better. Thanks again for being part of this community.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I'm in a dark place. I think I'll be alright. But there are a lot of things that kind of created the perfect storm tonight. I just need to sleep, reset, and try again tomorrow

edit: After a few hours of sleep and a conversation with a good friend, I'm feeling much better.
 
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Chuckles

Active Member
Day 24

TW, somewhat descriptive retelling of my PMO episodes (
gooning
)

The thought occurred to me...

I've been dealing with depression for my whole life, as long as I can remember.
When I hit puberty, PM then PMO became a form of self treatment. It's always been there and I've always relied on it. Felling bad? Get a dopamine hit. You'll feel a bit better. As I got older and had more privacy, it became easier to PMO more frequentlly and for longer sessions. And I think it morphed into this thrill of the hunt, edging, gooning, escape from reality. Sometimes video games didn't do it, and the high from regular PMO only lasts so long. So I found a way to just escape for 4, 6, 8 hours at a time. And it wasn't just watching porn, I was also addicted to searching for that next scene. I would have like 30 tabs open for scenes I wanted to download, and could only do so many at a time because even the pay sites have to throttle you at some point. I've been given download timeouts on a few sites because they thought I was a bot just ripping their catalog. How in the hell did I not see it then?! Dude you literally just DL'd so much porn even the website you're paying for is cutting you off! I had an 8TB and a 4TB hard drive each with a playlist containing every movie on the drive. I would pick one and put that playlist on shuffle, just for the excitement of what scene would pop up next. I would edge for 2 to 4 hours, O, then do it again. No joke, there were times that I went 10 hours, maybe even 12 (didn't really time it). And for at least that amount of time I didn't have to think about anything, and I didn't have to feel anything. As I started my recovery, I heard the term gooning, and realized that's what I was doing.
And now that I'm both recovering and in a deep depression, I realize that that was self medication. I'm so depressed right now. Not as bad as my spiral last night, but it's still pretty bad. I hope it gets better.

But the point of this whole story is...
I don't have that coping mechanism anymore, and good riddance. But there's a new challenge I didn't see coming. What do I do with my depression? I'm seeing a therapist, I'm going to the gym, I'm trying to get out and meet people. But if I'm being honest it's not currently enough. And maybe once my brain reboots, I won't be as depressed. I read that sometimes the addiction is the cause, or at least enhancer, of the depression, not just a symptom.

Guys, have a support system. Have a plan. You're doing real work on your brain and body, and it's not going to be easy. Shit will hit the fan. Know that going in, and have a plan.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 25
Still tired, still depressed. I'm thinking I'm going to clean and do yardwork. The exertion and feeling of accomplishment might help IDK but I hope so.
 

Burnside627

Member
Dude try and stay positive. I know it’s hard. Our mind is our worst enemy. Try and look into a new hobby or anything to occupy time. Get yourself into a better headspace anyway that you can without PMO. If you need anything reach out man.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Dude try and stay positive. I know it’s hard. Our mind is our worst enemy. Try and look into a new hobby or anything to occupy time. Get yourself into a better headspace anyway that you can without PMO. If you need anything reach out man.
Thanks. I did a little yardwork. The exercise and sunlight helped. I'm hanging out with a friend tonight, so that should help a little too.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
End of day 25: balls hurt, got a bit high, still avoided PMO. The desire was faint today, but still there. It's a good sign I'm actually changing.
 
@Chuckles yardwork is underrated - I think it's a great way to handle urges
Get outside, get some exercise, and do something useful all at the same time
The cool thing about yardwork too is that as you do more, you take more pride in your home and surroundings, then it becomes more satisfying
It's like a virtuous cycle

Great work getting to day 25!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 26
Urge to PMO low. Urge to fuck moderate. I pulled out of the depressive dive, which is good :)
I have therapy Thursday, and I'm looking forward to it. I know it's a couple days off, but I feel like I've already made it my first month with no porn. I don't want to celebrate preemptively though. At the same time, I'm also falling in love with new healthy habits. When I feel bad I'm as likely or more likely to want to go for a walk or to the gym as I am to want to PMO.

Thanks @particularly_respecting!
It is underrated. Most of us just see it as a chore, and forget that "pride in your work" part of it.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 27
Urge to MO a bit higher than normal today. With or without P. Really wanna fuck though. I skipped the gym this morning. I need to make sure to do that tomorrow. I feel groggy, sluggish. Also my diet has been better. Not where I'd like it to be, but better.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 28
Tomorrow will be 1 month PMO free! I'm PF stoked.
Still not 100% sure I'm gonna MO tomorrow, but I initially gave myself permission 2x per week. Therapy tomorrow, so I'll ask my therapist what she thinks.
There's a little voice in my head telling me 1 or 2 PMO sessions won't hurt. F that guy!
I'm pretty sure I need to abstain for life. But might try 1 or 2 like 90 days in, maybe 120. Still gotta think about that too.

Edit: I just deleted all the porn from one of those hard drives. When I mounted and decrypted it, I was very tempted to start playing some of the videos. I didn't though!
 
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Chuckles

Active Member
Urge to PMO kinda high today, oddly. I think since I told myself I could MO after the 1 month mark, my mind & body just want to go back to all the old habits.
I'm wondering if MO will take off the edge and lower the urge to PMO, or if there will be a chaser and it'll make it worse.

Does anyone have a link to rebooting strategies? As in a breakdown of how long is best, what types of abstinence, maybe with some medical/professional backing? If so thanks in advance
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Chuckles. I think deciding to MO is really up to your own discretion. For some, it only makes them more horney, for others, it relieves them a touch. I guess you could always try it and see. But be ready for some mighty temptations, if you happen to get the chaser effect. Quitting porn is a journey of discovery, so as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing "wrong" with trying it and discovery for yourself, what will happen. Either way, nice job on one month, and have a greet porn free weekend!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Hey Chuckles. I think deciding to MO is really up to your own discretion. For some, it only makes them more horney, for others, it relieves them a touch. I guess you could always try it and see. But be ready for some mighty temptations, if you happen to get the chaser effect. Quitting porn is a journey of discovery, so as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing "wrong" with trying it and discovery for yourself, what will happen. Either way, nice job on one month, and have a greet porn free weekend!
Thanks! I gave myself 3 hours of video games each day Sat and Sun. So Probably gonna do that. But also gotta get other stuff in to keep boredom at bay.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 32
It's been a good day so far. Exercise, shower, trying a new sushi place. It's been almost 2 weeks since my last orgasm. I'm very up and down about it. One hour I'm ridiculously horny, the next I'm at peace with it all.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Early days are usually very unsettling, just like the first weeks in a new school, work. In time a new routine should set in, and you'll be more comfortable. Just make sure you are properly rested and fed, have a tight schedule, and a personal goal or two elsewhere.
 
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