Miles to Go

Chuckles

Active Member
Just my opinion but I bet your surgeon and urologist will not care at all
Not a dr myself but from a medical family - my parents had seen absolutely everything and it was all just work to them

Anyway - 90 days is within sight - amazing progress @Chuckles! Keep it up - can't wait to read that 90 day post 💪
Thanks. I told her I was embarrassed and afraid that someone would see it in my chart. She said that she would just make a note and that I was getting over it. It kinda helped.
I think my paranoia is that people DGAF about HIPAA, and I'll be the butt of someone's joke. Childish fear, I know, but still.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
The last time I remember exercising was April 20th. I am sliding back into depression. My thoughts are getting darker and all the other symptoms of depression. I need to get back to the good routine I was building. A friend asked me to stay later than I planned on staying, but it was a good conversation.
Morning After Edit: Yesterday after work, I hit up a friend to hang out. When I first tried to leave, she asked me to stay and keep talking. I brought this up in my post because I wanted to get to bed early last night, to work out this morning, but that kept me up late.
I feel like I worded this pretty vaguely.
 
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Chuckles

Active Member
Day 83
My room is still an overwhelming, embarrassing mess. I am starting to backslide into being sedentary.
I gotta get a grip on this. I'm not making a plan or committing to anything right this minute, but I need to put it out there.
I fear that if I stay on this path, the depression, boredom, and dismay will make it incredibly difficult to stop myself from PMO.
 
My room is still an overwhelming, embarrassing mess. I am starting to backslide into being sedentary.
We've all been there brother - when it seems so overwhelming we don't even know where to start

At times like this, one little mental trick I do is, whenever I'm in a room for longer than say 20 mins, I think:
I will leave this room better than I found it
Even if it just means putting away one little thing, wiping one surface, etc.
It adds up quickly

Regardless of how you feel, 83 days porn-free is amazing progress. Keep killing it! 💪
 

Chuckles

Active Member
We've all been there brother - when it seems so overwhelming we don't even know where to start

At times like this, one little mental trick I do is, whenever I'm in a room for longer than say 20 mins, I think:
I will leave this room better than I found it
Even if it just means putting away one little thing, wiping one surface, etc.
It adds up quickly

Regardless of how you feel, 83 days porn-free is amazing progress. Keep killing it! 💪
I'm trying to do that with my exercise. Like "If I don't do the whole workout, I'll do at least 2 sets instead of 3."
I read a thing saying cleaning is best done in 10 minute bursts. Maybe I'll try that
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 84
I had pretty intense dreams last night about watching porn. Like I was really into it, and beating myself up for doing it, and bargaining with myself to watch just one more, and upset with myself because somehow it would have been okay to just watch 1 video, but not just one more. I was sad about having to reset my no PMO timer, and then trying to convince myself I didn't have to, and then felt guilty about trying to weasel out of it.
It took until I was on my way to work to even remember I had the dream, and to process it. Wild
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 86
86 PORN!
Get it? It's a restaurant pun. You get it.
I got the day off work today. The combination of money stress and boredom has me craving. Plus IDK maybe those dreams from the other night are messing with my psyche. I'm MOing more often than I'd like to. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm replacing PMO with fantasy MO... FMO? Is that a thing? I'm not thinking about porn, but past sexual encounters, and fantasies of what I'd like to do with past exes/hookups. Probably not good.
So now I'm torn. On the one hand, I previously I went about 3 weeks with no orgasm, followed by my longest duration orgasm, maybe not my most pleasurable, but definitely up there. And lately I'm MOing more, but have been slacking on my exercise. I don't know if or how those two are related. So maybe I should go total abstinence again? But also my urologist says that 2 or 3x per week is healthy and good.
I'm going to commit to MO only once a week. Sunday nights, only once, for the next 3 weeks. We'll see how that goes.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 91!
Dang, missed posting on my day 90 mark. Oh well...
It's been 3 months! I'm proud of myself. I'm replacing bad habits with good. I'm breaking an addiction. And I'm still learning, and sometimes struggling.

Thank you everyone for your support. I don't think I could have done this without you!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 97
Sorry I realize I'm getting on here less and less frequently.
Things have been going well. I've had a few nights of really intense dreams about porn. And beating myself up about it. And recently I'm finding the cravings coming back. I've also been a little sick and stressed out and not exercising as much. The connection between exercise and willpower is so real everyone. Seriously, get your heart rate up! Any way you can!
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Day 97
Sorry I realize I'm getting on here less and less frequently.
Things have been going well. I've had a few nights of really intense dreams about porn. And beating myself up about it. And recently I'm finding the cravings coming back. I've also been a little sick and stressed out and not exercising as much. The connection between exercise and willpower is so real everyone. Seriously, get your heart rate up! Any way you can!

Maybe you're easing into a life without porn? As for the dreams, I wouldn't beat yourself up about them..., it's just the lower brain screaming for its dopamine hits. The cravings (or urges) can be cued by the dreams, but just ignore them, brother.

Yes, exercise will give you all the positives, and make it easier to ignore the other nonsense! Awesome job, and congrats on going beyond 90, yes- celebrate that somehow!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 101
Hahaha how do I keep missing milestones?
I'm still sick, still not exercising. But I've been focusing on eating better, so at least I'm making progress somewhere.

There were two girls I was regularly, but infrequently, hooking up with. And both of those have ended. Not really counting on either starting up again. I have a couple of prospects for new sexual partners, but my heart's not fully in it. I think I have to work on me some more. A relationship would be nice, a fling would be nice, but I'm not going to lean into getting that right this minute. I want to put more effort into cultivating friendships, and getting out more, and meeting new people. There's a better version of me on the horizon, and I'm very excited about that.

I think the lack of predictable sex in the near future is throwing animal brain into a panic. I'm somewhat regularly having dreams about porn. Although I'm less fixated on it in my waking life, there are still urges, and still triggers. For example:
the recent thing about Britney Spears posting nudes made me want to look them up, which then made me want to look up Jennifer Lawrence's nudes, and then I started thinking about Mr Skin and all the other celebrities I want to see naked, and then screw it, might as well just watch a few videos of some of my favorite porn actresses, and hey I bet there have been a few brand new stars in these past few months, why not get on my favorite new girl casting sites and see how hot they are?
And then I struggle with the fact that I can't do that anymore.

So I guess this is the part of overcoming addiction where the behavior is currently stopped, but the addict has to accept that it's going to stay stopped. When I started this recovery, my main focus was to squash the behavior. And I'm just about there. Like I haven't watched any porn for 101 days now, but I'm not fully into "That's something I just don't do anymore." I still smoke one or two when I drink, and not even every time I drink. I still play video games, but not to the point that I'm ruining my life. I know those behaviors, left completely unchecked, will put me right back to where I was. But I'm still uncertain whether or not I'll commit to a life with no more porn, or if I'll take a shot at a healthy amount of it. That decision is still a ways down the road. I think the best thing is to get to a point where I know for sure I can go without. Then I can ask myself, honestly, if I can stop at 1 or 2.

So right now my considerations are either committing to 6 months no porn, or 1 year no porn. 1 year seems better, but we'll see. If in another month I'm feel stronger, I might make it 6 months.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I didn't know we can do that with the "spoiler" thing, I could've used that last week... 🤷‍♂️
For anyone wondering how to do it: you just highlight what you want to put the spoiler on and click the three dots menu (more options), and the eye with the line through it (Spoiler).

The thing I don't know if you'll want to read or not.
Can I put a spoiler in a spolier?
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I've been in a pissed off mood all day. I know the bulk of that is my exercise backslide, in combination with other life stresses, in combination with sexual frustration. It's not easy. And I'm proud of myself for knowing that I'm not going to go on a PMO bender. Might MO, might not, but it's getting easier to say no to that too.
I also know that I'm still not out of the woods. I still get cravings, I still have dreams, I still feel the addiction, just less powerful.
I want to renew some commitments, but it's a work night and I need to just unwind. It is a holiday weekend coming up, so I'm going to try to really reset my sights before next Tuesday.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 106!
I left work early today, am taking tomorrow off, and have Monday off too. I'm a little afraid of the urge to PMO. I've also noticed that I'm replacing that urge to PMO with MO, while fantasizing. And I'm concerned that that may become a replacement addiction. I said before that I need to get my goals realigned this weekend, and I for sure do.

What's the end game look like for you guys? I previously said that the initial goal was to break the porn addiction. And I have, for the most part. Urges are still there, but except for a couple minor slips, and not even really watching porn, and absolutely no PMO, I'm doing very well. But is there supposed to be a sense of mastery when it comes to all sexual compulsions? I hope that I never completely lose my sexual urges, but I don't want to be a slave to them either. So I guess what I want is the ability to choose when I MO, when I have sex, and possibly eventually when I watch porn, without feeling like I'm giving into a compulsion.

This feels more difficult than it did 5 or 6 weeks ago. And I know that it's the life stresses and lack of exercise and lack of focus. I'll get better.
 
Nice work concentrating on your positive routine Chuckles, and of course amazing progress going well over 100 days 💪

End game? Similar to what you said - having sex with wife as primary sexual outlet and MO in a controlled way if that's not possible
But I don't want to ever use porn again. Ever.
If it were possible for me to have a healthy relationship with it, and assuming my wife wasn't bothered by it, then sure, maybe I would indulge in it occasionally, like alcohol or junk food or whatever
But I have learned that I cannot have a healthy relationship with porn - so the end game is never to watch it again

But in fact, not using porn is kind of a "surface-level" goal for me
The real goal is to be consistent in how I behave in front of others and in private, in what I say and what I do
To live my life every day in a way that I can go to bed at night and say "I'm happy with how I behaved today"
Don't know if that process will ever end, but it's the ultimate end game
 
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