If it were possible for me to have a healthy relationship with it, and assuming my wife wasn't bothered by it, then sure, maybe I would indulge in it occasionally, like alcohol or junk food or whatever
But I have learned that I cannot have a healthy relationship with porn - so the end game is never to watch it again
This is how I see it as well. My lady isn't bothered by porn (which was nice), but it's not possible for me to only "look at it a little bit." So the end game for me is the same - porn never again. And quite frankly, having not looked at it for a long time once then watching it again, you realize how fucked up it all is - pretty disgusting really.
Nice work Chuckles and this is a good question. I think in the end, you have to know for yourself if it's something you can honestly control or not. If you can, great, but if you can't, great as well. For me, it's just too much to handle.
I think it's completely normal to have strong sexual urges, as we are sexual-beings. But that is only one part of who and what we are. We're to master our passions and not be mastered by them, as it was in our p-addictions.
Fulfilling our sexual appetites within a loving or committed relationship, as in marriage (ideally), I think is the end game. To be a man of integrity, as PR said, to be able to look ourselves in the mirror at the end of the day, knowing that we behaved in accordance to our ideals. That who we were in secret is the same as what we appear to be in public.
This may look different to each of us, but seeing things for what they really are- do we really want to use porn casually? We can cook with fire in a well controled environment, we can use candle-light, we can warm ourselves. But fire outside of it's well controlled environment can all too easily burn, even 1 match can light up a whole forest. So, using porn casually, is like 'playing with fire'.
..., not using porn is kind of a "surface-level" goal for me
The real goal is to be consistent in how I behave in front of others and in private, in what I say and what I do
To live my life every day in a way that I can go to bed at night and say "I'm happy with how I behaved today"
Don't know if that process will ever end, but it's the ultimate end game
And quite frankly, having not looked at it for a long time once then watching it again, you realize how fucked up it all is - pretty disgusting really.
I think for the few times I quit and started again, it wasn't as much of a disgusted thing, but more of a "this isn't realistic" combined with "this has too much control over me". But my therapist pointed out how my tastes changed over time. Things I initially found off putting became acceptable then desirable. So maybe I just don't see that anymore, which, well that's a whole other thing to explore.
I think it's completely normal to have strong sexual urges, as we are sexual-beings. But that is only one part of who and what we are. We're to master our passions and not be mastered by them, as it was in our p-addictions.
Fulfilling our sexual appetites within a loving or committed relationship, as in marriage (ideally), I think is the end game. To be a man of integrity, as PR said, to be able to look ourselves in the mirror at the end of the day, knowing that we behaved in accordance to our ideals. That who we were in secret is the same as what we appear to be in public.
This may look different to each of us, but seeing things for what they really are- do we really want to use porn casually? We can cook with fire in a well controled environment, we can use candle-light, we can warm ourselves. But fire outside of it's well controlled environment can all too easily burn, even 1 match can light up a whole forest. So, using porn casually, is like 'playing with fire'.
I think integrity is the cornerstone of what makes a man a great man. I don't think porn itself goes against my ideals, but failure to master my impulses... well it's not good.
Thank you guys for your input. I'm doing that whole, take myself apart, look at the pieces, try to figure out how to put myself back together thing. And outside perspectives are always good to have.
Thanks Chuckles. It was a good question to ask - thinking about these things every now and again reminds us of why we are on this journey
Keep on killing it brother!
Day 109
I've been incredibly busy these past few days. Which is great. I went into this weekend afraid of all the triggers and desires and whatnot, and honestly, they haven't been an issue. I MO'd maybe a couple more times than I wanted to, but I think I'm getting that under control too.
I've made the decision to explore my kinky side. There are groups in my area that have workshops and group meetups and things like that. I've gone to one, and plan on going to more. I might go to a play party in a month or two. I'm not necessarily looking for a play partner or D/s relationship right out of the gate, but I could be open to it. For now I'm seeing what's out there and what I think I'll like, and meeting new people.
Why?
There are a few sexual encounters I looked back on and realized that I under performed. For example, a girl told me some specific sex acts she wanted
(face fucking, facial, sex tape, consentual non consent fantasy)
, and I just deer in the headlights didn't know how to respond. And a girlfriend that told my guy friend that she was trying to figure out how to make me more aggressive in bed. And other stuff.
I think a lot of that comes down to some repressed stuff and fears that spring from things that happened in childhood and early adulthood (like a very heavy emphasis on "no means no", but no emphasis on "yes is also an option" or "how to ask for the sex you want"). I also realized that I had a few sexual encounters that got rough/kinky, and I *REALLY* liked them. So I think that maybe who I am is kinky, but I was sort of shoved into this vanilla person. And maybe, just maybe, that dissatisfaction/repression played a big part in my porn addiction. And from there it became a cycle.
I'm afraid to ask for what I want or experiment in bed.
I'm not happy with my sex life.
Porn is easy, fixing myself is hard.
I'm less satisfied with my sex life, now also because of the porn addiciton...
So my goal here is twofold. Maybe I figure out if repression of who I am was part of this. Maybe I become more satisfied with my sex life.
I'm aware that this could lead to a whole new addiction, and I intend to tell my therapist about this, and talk to her about potential pitfalls.
If anyone has feedback/concerns/advice on that, maybe put it in spoiler tags? IDK how others would react to it.
Hey Chuckles, I see no problem with this in general. My moto is, as long as it's consensual, all is good.
I too have sometimes wondered that a lot of my hang ups (porn, etc.) has been because of my repressed sexuality from my childhood and teenage years. Actually, now that I write that, most of my 20s as well, I didn't lose my virginity till I was 30 for religious reasons. Obviously there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, but doing that till 30 plus my childhood shame of sex seemed to have affected me a great deal as a man. Needless to say, it took me years to learn how to be sexual in general to women (obviously in a respectful way) and get over a lot of that conditioning. Maybe something like that would help you out. You don't know until you try it.
However, for any reason if you didn't like it or it made you want to look at porn again, obviously run like hell! But you alreadly knew that.
I think a lot of these things really just come down to listening to yourself and really being honest. Is this helping me? Is it not helping me? Etc.
I looking forward to hearing what you have to say afterwards.
Best.
P.S. whatever you do, don't be ashamed of your "kinks" etc., because shame leads to stupid shit like porn. Real or no deal.
Hey Chuckles, I see no problem with this in general. My moto is, as long as it's consensual, all is good.
I too have sometimes wondered that a lot of my hang ups (porn, etc.) has been because of my repressed sexuality from my childhood and teenage years. Actually, now that I write that, most of my 20s as well, I didn't lose my virginity till I was 30 for religious reasons. Obviously there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, but doing that till 30 plus my childhood shame of sex seemed to have affected me a great deal as a man. Needless to say, it took me years to learn how to be sexual in general to women (obviously in a respectful way) and get over a lot of that conditioning. Maybe something like that would help you out. You don't know until you try it.
However, for any reason if you didn't like it or it made you want to look at porn again, obviously run like hell! But you alreadly knew that.
I think a lot of these things really just come down to listening to yourself and really being honest. Is this helping me? Is it not helping me? Etc.
I looking forward to hearing what you have to say afterwards.
Best.
P.S. whatever you do, don't be ashamed of your "kinks" etc., because shame leads to stupid shit like porn. Real or no deal.
Thanks for the insight. I didn't lose my virginity until 18, which I feel is a somewhat normal age, but realized later down the line that I had opportunities much earlier than that. So being oblivious, combined with not knowing how to navigate all that, hindered me. Plus there's a whole lot of other stuff that I don't want to type out right now.
And in the community, getting to meet people online and finding local events, there are so many sexual images. So for my personal definition and struggles, I'm bending the rules here. Would most consider it porn? Probably. But I don't look for it and don't look at it in that context. I'm not going out of my way to see more of it, and there is zero MO, not even touching myself. In fact I don't think it's even made me erect, which is a great sign I think. More of a necessary backdrop to the path I've decided to explore.
But yes, my main fears are turning porn addiction into sex addiction, falling back into the PMO cycle, and obviously otherwise dangerous situations.
Well, that is something to consider then. Maybe you could do the events without doing much of the online community? I know what you mean by looking at something but not "looking".
Yeah, I didn't think about that, as far as the pictures go, I was just thinking of the actually events.
Well, that is something to consider then. Maybe you could do the events without doing much of the online community? I know what you mean by looking at something but not "looking".
Yeah, Since I'm new to all this, there is a lot of calendar searching, to see what's out there. But then the guests lists, and people you have to message all have profile pics, and whatnot.
So as far as I can, I'm not going looking for it, but also trying to meet new people.
To a purist it may sound like a cop out. But again, necessary for my intents and purposes.
I'll freely admit old me would have been just going to town
(seriously once you get past all the profile dic pics, most of the women either are naked in their profile pic, or have prominent naked pics on their page before you can click "message user")
But past the initial shock and piqued interest, I'm able to walk past it.
But in good faith, if it starts to become a problem I'll tell both my therapist and this community.
I agree with Blondie - so long as it's consensual it's all good I think
And if it's with real people, I don't think it would harm your reboot
Regarding the online community, you can usually use adblockers to block pics on certain sites.
Depends on the specific adblocker, but most have an "element picker" or "zapper" tool
Or just find the url that images are being served from and block it
But this may not be practical for you (e.g. there may be legitimate reasons you need to see the pics)
I can see how it could lead to relapse but if you are vigilant it may be worthwhile if you have a strong desire to explore this
Stay strong in your recovery, be safe, and enjoy yourself!
Day 117
I wish I was more consistent with my posts and tracking. But I've seriously got a lot going on these days. I'm trying to strike a balance between productivity, fun, and rest. It's tough, but easier than it would have been 4 months ago. I know I would have burnt out and just PMO'd like a madman. I'm not even going there mentally these days. I have the occasional porn dream, and occasionally eye bang a coworker, but hey, I'm only human.
I'm still on my exercise backslide too. That kinda sucks.
It's called life. You will be tired, you will be happy, sad, rejected etc. But do you need "drugs" in your life? Do you have the skills to deal with life without this fuckin porn? I'm sure you do. Motherfuck porn! You know better. Your post before says day 117, you are on the path of escaping porn, don't go back to day 1.
Maybe it is like Phineas said - you're leaving the porn behind and it's giving you the space to see other things to work on?
Anyway amazing progress - and don't be too hard on yourself! It looks like you're absolutely killing it from my point of view
Day 120
Day 1 was Feb 10th. Tomorrow will be 4 months! My friends will be going out to dinner together for a different thing, but I'm going to call that my secret celebration as well.
I haven't even MO'd in over a week, maybe closer to 2. I don't remember the exact date, but I decided to take a couple weeks off. I think I'll allow it Sunday night, and see if I can handle once a week. I was starting to backslide.
