particularly_respecting
Active Member
I am 35 years old, married with no kids (yet), and have been struggling with compulsive porn use at least since I was 18.
My main reason for quitting porn is to improve my relationship with my wife, by focusing my sexual energy on her and improving my PIED.
I also hope that it will make me feel better and more secure in myself - closer to the type of man I want to be.
I've had ups and downs. Some periods when I used porn more and some periods when I used it less.
PIED set in almost immediately. It wasn't always so bad, but I remember struggling sometimes to get good erections with girls in college.
My addiction was worst when I was in my early and mid-twenties. I lived alone and used porn every day, sometimes binging for hours.
My PIED meant I often didn't even try to meet real women. It was easier to watch porn, but that just made the PIED worse, creating a vicious cycle.
In my late twenties, I started to make more of an effort to quit.
Around 2018-2019, I didn't use it for a long time. I can't remember exactly how long, but I think it was around 8 or 9 months.
I remember feeling very confident and sociable at that time. It was also when I met my wife (perhaps not a coincidence?).
But at some point, I started watching porn again, and I haven't been able to build a long streak again.
My wife often spends time at her mother's, leaving me alone in the house. I'm self-employed and work alone on a computer.
Porn and procrastination in general are huge temptations. Every time I relapse, I feel so much regret for setting myself back.
In particular, we are trying for a child, and I often can't finish inside my wife.
She knows about my struggles. Obviously, she knows it's serious, but I don't think she understands it at a deep level.
That's part of why I'm joining this forum. To connect with other men going through similar struggles.
It makes me ashamed to even write it, but sometimes when I can't finish with my wife, I get myself off, finish in a cup, and use a syringe to squirt it inside her.
To any younger men reading this, my advice is: stop using porn TODAY.
Don't be like me - struggling to have a child with my wife because of 15+ years of compulsive porn use.
So, this is my journal. I've made countless attempts to quit in the past, but I'm hoping this time will be different.
I am more concerned with long-term progress than counting days, but I do think streaks can be useful for measuring progress in a simple way.
I used porn yesterday, so today is day 1 of not using porn.
My triggers yesterday were:
> My wife being away
> Stress from having a lot of work
> Putting off work by procrastinating on the internet
> The procrastination then became risky searches, and then a relapse
One final note, the title of my journal is the name of a song by BB King. It happened to be playing when I created this post. He's one of my favorite guitarists.
I hope it doesn't sound too depressing. I do have the blues about what I've written above, but I'm also reminding myself that this is a day-by-day effort.
I'm sending my support to my brothers in this struggle around the world. It's a difficult path, but at least we have some company for the journey ahead.
My main reason for quitting porn is to improve my relationship with my wife, by focusing my sexual energy on her and improving my PIED.
I also hope that it will make me feel better and more secure in myself - closer to the type of man I want to be.
I've had ups and downs. Some periods when I used porn more and some periods when I used it less.
PIED set in almost immediately. It wasn't always so bad, but I remember struggling sometimes to get good erections with girls in college.
My addiction was worst when I was in my early and mid-twenties. I lived alone and used porn every day, sometimes binging for hours.
My PIED meant I often didn't even try to meet real women. It was easier to watch porn, but that just made the PIED worse, creating a vicious cycle.
In my late twenties, I started to make more of an effort to quit.
Around 2018-2019, I didn't use it for a long time. I can't remember exactly how long, but I think it was around 8 or 9 months.
I remember feeling very confident and sociable at that time. It was also when I met my wife (perhaps not a coincidence?).
But at some point, I started watching porn again, and I haven't been able to build a long streak again.
My wife often spends time at her mother's, leaving me alone in the house. I'm self-employed and work alone on a computer.
Porn and procrastination in general are huge temptations. Every time I relapse, I feel so much regret for setting myself back.
In particular, we are trying for a child, and I often can't finish inside my wife.
She knows about my struggles. Obviously, she knows it's serious, but I don't think she understands it at a deep level.
That's part of why I'm joining this forum. To connect with other men going through similar struggles.
It makes me ashamed to even write it, but sometimes when I can't finish with my wife, I get myself off, finish in a cup, and use a syringe to squirt it inside her.
To any younger men reading this, my advice is: stop using porn TODAY.
Don't be like me - struggling to have a child with my wife because of 15+ years of compulsive porn use.
So, this is my journal. I've made countless attempts to quit in the past, but I'm hoping this time will be different.
I am more concerned with long-term progress than counting days, but I do think streaks can be useful for measuring progress in a simple way.
I used porn yesterday, so today is day 1 of not using porn.
My triggers yesterday were:
> My wife being away
> Stress from having a lot of work
> Putting off work by procrastinating on the internet
> The procrastination then became risky searches, and then a relapse
One final note, the title of my journal is the name of a song by BB King. It happened to be playing when I created this post. He's one of my favorite guitarists.
I hope it doesn't sound too depressing. I do have the blues about what I've written above, but I'm also reminding myself that this is a day-by-day effort.
I'm sending my support to my brothers in this struggle around the world. It's a difficult path, but at least we have some company for the journey ahead.
But as I wrote before, it has always come and gone.
