Pride and joy

Day 35 of not using porn

Thanks @Blondie! Agree time off screen is good
Unfortunately that's tough in my day to day work - but something to remember whenever free

Not so good day today
First day working again - focus low
Ended up watching youtube. Definite step backwards for me. Wasn't tracking it but I hadn't watched it for prob at least 2 months
Started off with legitimate interest videos (music, guitars) but ended up watching some vids of women dancing
Obviously no nudity and no MO so not counting as a relapse but definitely dangerous behavior

Probably connected to stress from return to work, but also realized that lately I have been focusing too much on NOT watching porn
But have let the POSITIVE aspect of recovery slip
E.g. stopped thinking about stoicism, self-improvement, etc. (even though I recently said I would mix it with recovery work)

Spending some time outside with wife tomorrow, so will use it as an opportunity to "recenter"

Did my reading/recovery work/chinups

Stay strong RN community. So easy to get dragged back into this nonsense. Ever vigilant 💪
 

downhillfromhere

Active Member
Keep it up! You already know, but remember to be careful with that little stuff, and don’t let it grow in you. Stay strong!

And yes, so important to keep the positive things in mind, thinking about where you want to go instead of what you’re trying to get away from. Good insight. To me it feels sort of like walking backwards - going in the right direction, but looking at the past instead of into the future.
 

Ezel

Active Member
you're doing well particularly respecting. however, if I were in your place I would watch out for youtube.

it's a dangerous place, like you said you were just listening to music, and then found yourself watching women dance. you know this happened to me before, I would open the app and watch normal things and then I would shift 360 degrees and watch another different thing that could make me relapse, it's like a snowball down a hill, when it starts moving and compounding momentum and size it will be very difficult to stop...

glad that the youtube session didn't escalate to something else, you managed it well as you didn't turn back to porn or anything like it, and instead, you did your workouts and recovery work, so let's keep it that way, you're doing great champ.

all the best.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Good job, PR, catching yourself in those 'middle-circle' behaviors. Be aware, recenter (as you are), and watch that the behaviors aren't repeated which would become their own habit patterns, if not lead back to more unwanted behaviors. It's tricky figuring out what is a little freedom versus being overly restrictive, finding that balance- or giving ourselves space to use these platforms without getting sucked into foolishness.

Keep your goals in front of you. I also like the self-awareness about integrating the positives of recovery, the person you want to- and are- becoming.
 
Day 36 of not using porn

Thank you @downhillfromhere, @Ezel, and @Phineas 808! Always appreciate support from the legends of RN
Yes, dangerous moment for sure yesterday - probably the least disciplined I've been on this streak
Glad I got to spend time with my wife today. Definitely helped

downhill great metaphor about walking backward - never thought of it like that
Phineas, yes I have never mapped out my outer-middle-inner circle behaviors but I think it would be a good idea. I will do that
Self-awareness is so important

Working now, but went out with wife today and enjoyed some time at the lake
Helped to enjoy the fresh air and talk
Did my reading. Still got recovery work and chinups to do, but that's okay because it is still early here

Weekly roundup
Chinups 7/7 (assuming I do them today)
Reading 5/7 (not perfect but improvement from last week)
Recovery 7/7 (assuming I do it today)

Working in living room in evenings - 3 or 4/7 (mostly studying as I took most of week off work, so this is not bad)
Finding men's group - no progress
Working 6 days a week - took week off

Not a bad week, although yesterday was a wake-up call
Maybe got complacent as I spent a lot of time away from screen earlier in week and didn't feel much urge to look at porn
Will need to be careful going back to "full" work next week
Especially because wife is away tomorrow so will need to stick to my routine

Stay strong RN community. I am rooting for all of you and wishing for your success 💪
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Afaik with the neuroplasticity day 40ish is where the P dopamine circuits are finally starting to prepare to get weakened. I find that this is where there are a ton of curve ball / back stabbing / seemingly our of no where "Are you really sure?" situations and temptations and what not. Where I tripped in the start of June. Diligence and Discipline is key. The brain is just trying to see if it is really time to do some rearranging.

Best of luck. Wishing you success.
 
Day 37 of not using porn

Thank you @EarthWalker! Interesting about 40 days - I did not know that but it makes sense
Usually I can manage streaks of between 4-6 weeks, which is roughly in line with that timeline
I must be vigilant 💪

Unexpectedly busy day today, hence just checking in now (and later than usual)
Have yet to do chinups/recovery/reading - not sure if I can fit it all in today
Focus not so good in the morning (which contributed to being busy) but improved in the afternoon

Have not had time to check people's journals today so will look forward to catching up tomorrow
Hope you are all doing well in your journeys to become porn-free. I am rooting for you all 💪
 
Day 38 of not using porn

Thank you @Ezel! Appreciate the support!

Better day today. Wife back, which always helps
Focus improved - not sure why. So up and down. Need time to think about how to make it more consistent
Focus is the single most important factor in whether or not I have a productive day
Also my relapses are usually because of a lack of focus - so getting this right is super important

Still got chinups/recovery/reading to do but still kinda early here

Stay strong RN. I am rooting for all of you in your journeys 💪
 
Day 39 of not using porn

Focus kinda weak again - not rock bottom but not good
Thankfully porn urges were low. More just difficulty focusing on work
Also slept in which didn't help.

Still thinking about how to make focus more consistent
So many possible causes - lack of sleep, stress, not enough exercise, poor diet, etc etc
Getting better but it's a slow process

Did my chinups. Still got reading and recovery work to do

Stay strong RN. Sending you all strength for your own journeys 💪
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Almost day 40 Particularly! Fantastic job man.

The whole focus thing can be hard for me as well. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me as much as it was with porn? I know for sure porn had a great deal to do with some of it. But all of it? It's hard to say for sure.

Keep killing it man.
 
D

Deleted member 28870

Guest
Day 39 of not using porn

Focus kinda weak again - not rock bottom but not good
Thankfully porn urges were low. More just difficulty focusing on work
Also slept in which didn't help.

Still thinking about how to make focus more consistent
So many possible causes - lack of sleep, stress, not enough exercise, poor diet, etc etc
Getting better but it's a slow process

Did my chinups. Still got reading and recovery work to do

Stay strong RN. Sending you all strength for your own journeys 💪
And sending you unbeatable strength as well.
 
Day 40 of not using porn

Thank you @Blondie and @WestCoast! Your support means a lot

Blondie - right. I don't know either. I think I've always had a problem with super stimulus
Ages 10-20 or so I was into videogames. Like I could sink whole days into them
Then 20 onward that was replaced by internet and porn. Wasted a TON of time on this nonsense

On the other hand - I can sit and read a book for hours, and occasionally at work I get like laser beam focus and get super productive
So I honestly don't know. Maybe naturally I would have good focus, but I destroyed it with years and years of destructive behavior 🤦‍♂️
(especially porn of course - that's why I am here)
Don't need super focus all the time, just want to be more consistent. That's an area where I want to improve atm

Maybe one thing I should work on is less INPUT
I am pretty much always doing two things at once
Eg working and listening to music, doing house/yardwork and listening to podcast, etc. etc.
Maybe being bored occasionally would be good for me
Maybe this is also why playing guitar and skiing feel good (have to focus all my attention on one thing)

Rambled a bit above but focus is an important topic for me
Anyway reached 40 days. Feels nice. Focusing now on hitting 50, then 60
Did my chinups/recovery work/reading today. Porn urges midlevel today - maybe 5/10
Still no exercise this week

Stay strong RN community. I am rooting for all of you 💪
 

SimonM

Active Member
Great work on reaching 40 days! Keep it up!

... Does boredom lead to P addiction? I am also a person who like to be busy. Always doing something. I feel bad when I am "lazy". I find some of the toughest times to stay away from P are when I am bored. I want to fill my time with something... Keeping busy is one of the best ways for me to avoid the P. Learning how to be bored without going to P would be very good...
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Great job particularly!

I like your reflections on concentration, I will have to think about this more

Best man.
 
Day 0 of not using porn

Thank you for your support @SimonM, @Blondie, and @EarthWalker
But unfortunately EarthWalker, you were right - slipped today :(
Damn this addiction is hard to beat

I have made some progress since joining this forum
Going from PMO every week to once a month or so
But I am still feeling down about my own lack of self-control and slow progress

I need to regroup, reorganize my defenses, and think deeply about my strategy
I am really feeling now that it is not enough to say to my wife and this forum "I am not going to look at porn anymore" and hope it works out
It needs to be part of a larger strategy of changing the way I think and act

I am going to start making shorter posts while I figure out a strategy for long-term success
Probably just to update my day counter like some other members do
I may comment more if I have something to say
Also I will comment less on people's journals, but I will still read them when I need inspiration, so please keep writing in them!

I fell and the journey is taking longer than I hoped, but I am committed to this change
First goal: 24 hours
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear about this Particularly.

Taking a break and regrouping for a while makes sense. But you need to understand that you have made great improvements, and I would suggest you really drill that into your head at this moment. I mean slap yourself out of your stupor and see reality for what it is. Viewing porn once a month is considerably less than once a week - that's 40 times less per year man! Most of us don't get out of this shit quitting cold turkey, I sure as hell have not. I've done a lot of 2 months streaks, then 90 day streaks until those didn't seem very hard anymore, then I challenged myself to go further. It might look like my journey is so easy because I've had no slip ups since being here at RN, but you need to understand that you're not seeing even a tenth of my fuck ups. However, every time I fucked up, I learned a little about myself and what I would need to do to beat it next time. Is that as heroic as quitting cold turkey? I don't know, and I don't really care.

So I say stop trying to be perfect.

I say stop trying to have the "perfect" recovery.

A perfect recovery doesn't exist.

It's no more "heroic" to quit cold turkey than to slowly kill it day by day with a smirk on your face and a middle finger to the wind.

You got this man. You really do.

Best
 
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EarthWalker

Respected Member
A perfect recovery doesn't exist.
Spot on.

I think @particularly_respecting you are doing everything right. I think the key is just consistency. The approach is solid. Just need to put more consistency and not flinching. Not doubting the approach. Not doubting if letting go is really the way to go. Yes it is!

I am in the same boat. Messed up during Month 2. I think that Project Stronger Self YouTube video on NoFap Timeline 2 is spot on saying that days 40-50 is where the dopamine circuits are getting ready to get weaker and days 50-60 is where the dopamine starts to raise naturally. This is like a big mile stone in the reboot Journey. Super sensitive to triggers.

I think where I go wrong is I flinch, I doubt myself, I loose consistency with my mental discipline, my mind wanders.

I think it is a great achievement being able to go smoothly for 1 month.

Good luck on your next run!
 
Day 1 of not using porn

Thank you @Blondie and @EarthWalker - your words mean a lot, honestly
I know you are right and I should not expect a perfect journey to recovery

I am working on it step by step - I just feel like I need to consolidate my approach
Like it is not fully developed atm and that is also why (or because?) I am struggling with focus on other things too
I do think boredom or the pain of working are big factors in my relapses

Next target: 3 days
 
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