EarthWalker
Respected Member
Not a big deal, just a speed bump. Keep on driving. Rooting for you.
Pride and joy
- Thread starter particularly_respecting
- Start date
Sorry to hear of your lapse, Respect!
As EW said, it's just a speed bump. You're 50 days in, and all that progress is not lost on one go around. You know what you want and who you are, don't let this minor hiccup distract you from your purpose and goals here.
I believe in you, and greatly appreciate your supportive presence here on RN!
As EW said, it's just a speed bump. You're 50 days in, and all that progress is not lost on one go around. You know what you want and who you are, don't let this minor hiccup distract you from your purpose and goals here.
I believe in you, and greatly appreciate your supportive presence here on RN!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Even though you are restarting your counter, remember you’re not starting over. One step backwards does not negate all the steps you have taken so far!
Jswizzle
Active Member
Hello,Day 0 of not using porn
I relapsed
The main trigger was stress from work
I wish I could say it came out of nowhere
But it didn't - the warning signs were there, I was just ignoring them
Very disappointed in myself
I will write about this and analyze what went wrong soon, probably on Monday
Not sure if I will post tomorrow (Sunday)
This is just a quick post to say I AM committed to this change and let the RN community know what happened
I tripped and fell - but I am getting back up to continue my journey
And I am sending support to all of you too, however far along you are on your own journey
Stay strong brothers
Wanted to reach out and offer support and condolences. Sorry to hear about the lapse. It sucks. Sometimes it feels no matter what anyone says it doesn't seem to help. I've been there. With that being said I'm still proud of your progress. Your still fighting by being honest with yourself and others. Your not just fighting the behavior of viewing porn, your battling the inner battle of self deception. That is courageous.
Recovery isn't measured by days of sobriety/abstenence, it's measured by the characterlogical changes in your personhood. Point being, you're a different creature today than when you started this journey.
Jswizz
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Day 2 of not using porn
I relapsed again on Monday
I wanted to post yesterday but was too busy
Thank you @Chuckles, @Blondie, @EarthWalker, @Phineas 808, @downhillfromhere, and @Jswizzle
Your words mean a lot, really
And to the RN community in general, I always enjoy reading your journals, wherever you are on your journeys
It's encouraging to see other people starting out and making early progress
Helpful to see people achieving longer streaks and learn how they do it
And inspirational to see some people go porn-free for even longer
Sometimes it seems impossible - but reading your journals always reminds me that it's not
What went wrong for me this time?
It was similar to the relapse that prompted me to sign up for RN
I was overwhelmed with work, and putting it off by doing risky searches
So the main trigger was stress and tiredness
I have more to write but I split it up over the next few days
But for now I will reiterate: I AM committed to this change, and I am looking at what went wrong and making changes
Went for a jog today, did my chinups, will do reading later
Thank you again to RN for the supportive atmosphere in this forum
And especially the brothers above who left messages - I appreciate you all
(Btw I also changed the name of my journal
I love BB King, but "Every day I have the blues" conveyed the wrong impression
Pride and Joy is by SRV. A true legend who battled his own addictions to get sober and inspired the world with his passion for blues guitar)
I relapsed again on Monday
I wanted to post yesterday but was too busy
Thank you @Chuckles, @Blondie, @EarthWalker, @Phineas 808, @downhillfromhere, and @Jswizzle
Your words mean a lot, really
And to the RN community in general, I always enjoy reading your journals, wherever you are on your journeys
It's encouraging to see other people starting out and making early progress
Helpful to see people achieving longer streaks and learn how they do it
And inspirational to see some people go porn-free for even longer
Sometimes it seems impossible - but reading your journals always reminds me that it's not
What went wrong for me this time?
It was similar to the relapse that prompted me to sign up for RN
I was overwhelmed with work, and putting it off by doing risky searches
So the main trigger was stress and tiredness
I have more to write but I split it up over the next few days
But for now I will reiterate: I AM committed to this change, and I am looking at what went wrong and making changes
Went for a jog today, did my chinups, will do reading later
Thank you again to RN for the supportive atmosphere in this forum
And especially the brothers above who left messages - I appreciate you all
(Btw I also changed the name of my journal
I love BB King, but "Every day I have the blues" conveyed the wrong impression
Pride and Joy is by SRV. A true legend who battled his own addictions to get sober and inspired the world with his passion for blues guitar)
Understanding this scenario as a cue or trigger is very important as it was linked to following urges, and same with the chaser effect after that...
This gives you a window into your own behaviors where you can now 'hack' into them, and undermine them. For example, the next time you're under such stress and tiredness after work, and urges come as if 'triggered', simply don't respond to them...
Awareness is key here, simply be aware of what's happening- but neither fight, resist or feed the urges. Simply (though maybe not easy) wait them out, breathe deep until the urges pass- and they invariably will.
You can outlast any urge, particularly_respecting! Rooting for you!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Good to see you back, respecting. I'm glad you're focusing on trying to see what went wrong instead of blaming yourself for making a mistake. We're all learning as we go. You're further along now then you were before the relapse, like others have been saying. Keep going!
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Day 3 of not using porn
Thank you @Blondie, @Phineas 808, @downhillfromhere, and @Chuckles!
Your support is a big help
I know I would be much further behind in recovery than I am now without the help of the RN community
Now regarding what I learned from this relapse
First, it reminded me how much of a problem porn is for me
I did not want to do it, I knew I should not do it, but I did it anyway
That's the definition of compulsive behavior and it shows me I have a lot of work to do
As I said, it was driven by stress and tiredness
I have not gone into detail on this on RN before, but as a self-employed person I work insane hours
BUT I have gone way overboard and I am coming to terms with that
I know the way I work now is not sustainable
In the long run it even hurts my business
I can't do quality work for clients because I am always rushing
And I can't keep on top of industry trends and study around topics
But the worst thing, and it sucks to even write this
I have been a shitty husband
I love my wife - she's amazing
But I work so much I barely get to spend time with her
I'm doing it to provide for us, but I am not contributing to her happiness
So change no. 1
Now I work 7 days a week (yes insane I know)
But I will start taking one day off a week
(not sure how I will do it - whether to pick a certain day or make it flexible - but I will find a way)
Change no. 2
Normally in the evenings, after dinner, I work in my office before bed
It's convenient because I have my big monitor, office chair, etc.
But now I will start working in the living room (where my wife usually is) on my laptop after dinner
I have more to write about my recent relapses but it is long enough today
Just want to get it out here to solidify my thoughts and let the community know where I'm at
Btw did my reading and chinups today
One jog left this week
Stay strong brothers - your support is an enormous help
I'm sending support to you too on your own journeys
Thank you @Blondie, @Phineas 808, @downhillfromhere, and @Chuckles!
Your support is a big help
I know I would be much further behind in recovery than I am now without the help of the RN community
Now regarding what I learned from this relapse
First, it reminded me how much of a problem porn is for me
I did not want to do it, I knew I should not do it, but I did it anyway
That's the definition of compulsive behavior and it shows me I have a lot of work to do
As I said, it was driven by stress and tiredness
I have not gone into detail on this on RN before, but as a self-employed person I work insane hours
BUT I have gone way overboard and I am coming to terms with that
I know the way I work now is not sustainable
In the long run it even hurts my business
I can't do quality work for clients because I am always rushing
And I can't keep on top of industry trends and study around topics
But the worst thing, and it sucks to even write this
I have been a shitty husband
I love my wife - she's amazing
But I work so much I barely get to spend time with her
I'm doing it to provide for us, but I am not contributing to her happiness
So change no. 1
Now I work 7 days a week (yes insane I know)
But I will start taking one day off a week
(not sure how I will do it - whether to pick a certain day or make it flexible - but I will find a way)
Change no. 2
Normally in the evenings, after dinner, I work in my office before bed
It's convenient because I have my big monitor, office chair, etc.
But now I will start working in the living room (where my wife usually is) on my laptop after dinner
I have more to write about my recent relapses but it is long enough today
Just want to get it out here to solidify my thoughts and let the community know where I'm at
Btw did my reading and chinups today
One jog left this week
Stay strong brothers - your support is an enormous help
I'm sending support to you too on your own journeys
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Day 4 of not using porn
Thank you for your support @Chuckles!
Really appreciate it. Been reading your journal too and seems you are making amazing progress
Yes - it's been tough working this much
I've had a lot pushing me to do it but as you say, I am now coming to terms with the consequences
Now about my recent relapse
Another thing that contributed was complacency or getting bored of recovery - probably a combination
The urges to look at porn never went away, but my defenses became weaker so when the trigger hit, it hit hard
I stopped reading RN so much, I didn't listen to anti-porn podcasts so much, I didn't read anti-porn books so much
So for my next change, I added another daily goal
I will do 15 mins recovery work a day
Mainly this will be reading or podcasts
For the first month it will specifically be anti-porn
Then I will alternate daily between anti-porn and general self-development
Btw I want to keep my goals achievable
So I already have 15 mins reading per day - but if I read an anti-porn book it checks both boxes
Strong urges today, but my motivation feels strong based on my renewed desire to quit after this recent relapse
Did my reading/recovery work/chinups
Still one jog left this week
I have more thoughts on my recent relapse
Probably you are all tired of hearing about it
but I will write more tomorrow
Stay strong brothers - sending you all support
Please keep posting in your journals too. Always helps to read about your journeys
Thank you for your support @Chuckles!
Really appreciate it. Been reading your journal too and seems you are making amazing progress
Yes - it's been tough working this much
I've had a lot pushing me to do it but as you say, I am now coming to terms with the consequences
Now about my recent relapse
Another thing that contributed was complacency or getting bored of recovery - probably a combination
The urges to look at porn never went away, but my defenses became weaker so when the trigger hit, it hit hard
I stopped reading RN so much, I didn't listen to anti-porn podcasts so much, I didn't read anti-porn books so much
So for my next change, I added another daily goal
I will do 15 mins recovery work a day
Mainly this will be reading or podcasts
For the first month it will specifically be anti-porn
Then I will alternate daily between anti-porn and general self-development
Btw I want to keep my goals achievable
So I already have 15 mins reading per day - but if I read an anti-porn book it checks both boxes
Strong urges today, but my motivation feels strong based on my renewed desire to quit after this recent relapse
Did my reading/recovery work/chinups
Still one jog left this week
I have more thoughts on my recent relapse
Probably you are all tired of hearing about it
but I will write more tomorrowStay strong brothers - sending you all support
Please keep posting in your journals too. Always helps to read about your journeys
Hi Respecting,
Your determination & tenacity in tackling this is infectious and it's good to see such a constructive, pro-active response to a lapse!
Though complacency with recovery can be an issue, i'd also advise that hyper-focusing on recovery can also be detrimental as it can often lead to exhaustion, lapse & recovery burnout. Be sure to live your life, take time to appreciate things other than recovery. In the words of Phineas, we 'set it and forget it'
Also,
Don't forget that this journal is first and foremost for YOU not us. We're all ultimately accountable to ourselves in the end and, if it would help to write these thoughts, by all means go for it!
Wishing you well,
Orbiter
Your determination & tenacity in tackling this is infectious and it's good to see such a constructive, pro-active response to a lapse!
Though complacency with recovery can be an issue, i'd also advise that hyper-focusing on recovery can also be detrimental as it can often lead to exhaustion, lapse & recovery burnout. Be sure to live your life, take time to appreciate things other than recovery. In the words of Phineas, we 'set it and forget it'
Also,
I have more thoughts on my recent relapse
Probably you are all tired of hearing about it
Don't forget that this journal is first and foremost for YOU not us. We're all ultimately accountable to ourselves in the end and, if it would help to write these thoughts, by all means go for it!
Wishing you well,
Orbiter
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Hello my friend,
Keep on going strong and remember that we, the forum, will never be tired of hearing anything you say. As Orbiter said; you're doing this for yourself and yourself alone. We're just here to provide you with support and if needed guidance.
So good job for picking up where you left off.
Also; on the job thing. I don't know where you live but IF you have the ability to work less, please take it. Battling an addiction if you're constantly overworked, stressed and tired, is very very difficult. And also spending time with the woman you love is worht more than anything!
Good luck my friend, I'm rooting for you
Keep on going strong and remember that we, the forum, will never be tired of hearing anything you say. As Orbiter said; you're doing this for yourself and yourself alone. We're just here to provide you with support and if needed guidance.
So good job for picking up where you left off.
Also; on the job thing. I don't know where you live but IF you have the ability to work less, please take it. Battling an addiction if you're constantly overworked, stressed and tired, is very very difficult. And also spending time with the woman you love is worht more than anything!
Good luck my friend, I'm rooting for you
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Day 5 of not using porn
Thank you @Orbiter, @Onmyway19, @Blondie, and @ShadeTrenicin!
Your support means a lot
Despite my relapse I think I've made progress overall, and that is largely thanks to the RN community
Orbiter definitely agree that overly focusing on recovery can be counterproductive
But right now, in the immediate aftermath of a relapse, I am in 'triage' mode - regrouping and assessing my defenses
Over time I do plan to shift from "recovering" to "working on myself" (which will be ongoing)
Thank you again for taking the time to comment!
And yes, ShadeTrenicin - definitely agree about the work thing
I am making changes, but it takes time (need to work through existing jobs, manage client expectations, etc.)
One more thing about my recent relapses
The second relapse (on Monday) happened partly because my wife was away
We have talked about this, and she is going to try not to go away so often - maybe just one night a week
This will mean family staying at our house more often, but I am fine with that
(Of course I am not blaming her in any way - just to make clear)
One more thing I want to do regarding my relapse, but I will write about that tomorrow
Good day today - went out for lunch and a walk with my wife
Felt good to spend some time with her
Did my chinups, about to do reading/recovery work, one jog left this week (will do tomorrow)
Stay strong brothers - I'm rooting for you all
Thank you @Orbiter, @Onmyway19, @Blondie, and @ShadeTrenicin!
Your support means a lot
Despite my relapse I think I've made progress overall, and that is largely thanks to the RN community
Orbiter definitely agree that overly focusing on recovery can be counterproductive
But right now, in the immediate aftermath of a relapse, I am in 'triage' mode - regrouping and assessing my defenses
Over time I do plan to shift from "recovering" to "working on myself" (which will be ongoing)
Thank you again for taking the time to comment!
And yes, ShadeTrenicin - definitely agree about the work thing
I am making changes, but it takes time (need to work through existing jobs, manage client expectations, etc.)
One more thing about my recent relapses
The second relapse (on Monday) happened partly because my wife was away
We have talked about this, and she is going to try not to go away so often - maybe just one night a week
This will mean family staying at our house more often, but I am fine with that
(Of course I am not blaming her in any way - just to make clear)
One more thing I want to do regarding my relapse, but I will write about that tomorrow
Good day today - went out for lunch and a walk with my wife
Felt good to spend some time with her
Did my chinups, about to do reading/recovery work, one jog left this week (will do tomorrow)
Stay strong brothers - I'm rooting for you all
I like the three (or more) changes you're making, particularly_respecting!
This is what it takes to snap me out of a lapse or habit of lapsing is to make some kind of change, meaningful and impactful.
This is what it takes to snap me out of a lapse or habit of lapsing is to make some kind of change, meaningful and impactful.
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particularly_respecting
Active Member
Day 6 of not using porn
Thank you @Phineas 808!
Wise words about meaningful and impactful change - could not agree more
In that regard, I want to make one more change following this recent relapse
Another thing that contributed was a lack of connection
I want to join some sort of online men's group etc.
(Offline would be ideal, and I plan to work on this once COVID dies down, but atm it is not practical)
If recovery is a part of it, that is fine, but I want it to be more focused on general self-development, achieving goals, etc.
Paid or unpaid is fine, although perhaps if it is paid the members might have more commitment
Has anyone else had positive (or negative) experiences with such groups? Does anyone have any advice in this regard?
I have also considered therapy (which I have never had before)
But I think a men's group (or similar group/circle) would be better for me
So to summarize my changes as a result of this relapse:
1) Take one day off a week (no progress)
2) Work in the living room in evenings (3/6 days)
3) 15 mins recovery work per day (6/6 days)
4) Join a men's group (or similar) (no progress)
+ wife staying away from home less (not under my control)
Regarding my goals - went jogging today, did my chinups, did recovery/reading
For the week, progress was:
Room for improvement but overall happy with progress B+
Hope you are all doing well in your recoveries brothers. Please keep updating your journals with your progress
Always helpful to read about how other men are fighting this addiction
Thank you @Phineas 808!
Wise words about meaningful and impactful change - could not agree more
In that regard, I want to make one more change following this recent relapse
Another thing that contributed was a lack of connection
I want to join some sort of online men's group etc.
(Offline would be ideal, and I plan to work on this once COVID dies down, but atm it is not practical)
If recovery is a part of it, that is fine, but I want it to be more focused on general self-development, achieving goals, etc.
Paid or unpaid is fine, although perhaps if it is paid the members might have more commitment
Has anyone else had positive (or negative) experiences with such groups? Does anyone have any advice in this regard?
I have also considered therapy (which I have never had before)
But I think a men's group (or similar group/circle) would be better for me
So to summarize my changes as a result of this relapse:
1) Take one day off a week (no progress)
2) Work in the living room in evenings (3/6 days)
3) 15 mins recovery work per day (6/6 days)
4) Join a men's group (or similar) (no progress)
+ wife staying away from home less (not under my control)
Regarding my goals - went jogging today, did my chinups, did recovery/reading
For the week, progress was:
| Goal | Achieved (possible) | Success |
|---|---|---|
| Reading | 6 (7) | 85% |
| Chinups | 6 (7) | 85% |
| Jogging | 2 (2) | 100% |
| Recovery work | 6 (7) | 85% |
Room for improvement but overall happy with progress B+
Hope you are all doing well in your recoveries brothers. Please keep updating your journals with your progress
Always helpful to read about how other men are fighting this addiction
Blondie
Respected Member
Wow! You have charts and everything, that's very impressive. Nice job on 6 days porn free! Talk about getting back up and dusting yourself off.
I've never done any kind of men's group or therapy so I really can't say. However, I do know there are some goods ones out there. I've read a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy which has definitely helped me in the past. I've read it multiply times in fact. I know the author has men's groups scattered about the country, but I'm not sure what COVID has done with those.
You're killing man. Stay strong.
I've never done any kind of men's group or therapy so I really can't say. However, I do know there are some goods ones out there. I've read a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy which has definitely helped me in the past. I've read it multiply times in fact. I know the author has men's groups scattered about the country, but I'm not sure what COVID has done with those.
You're killing man. Stay strong.