Pride and joy

[Phineas 808]

I like your breakdown above, Particular!

Men's groups can seem supportive, and perhaps they can be. But there are draw backs, like, most put on a personae or an appearance of having it all together, or if someone lapsed, they may not be upfront about it.

They seem limited for what they can do. I think some put too much stock in them, thus hobbling themselves from doing it themselves for themselves.

Many groups out there subscribe to the 'disease-model' of addiction, and so just view themselves and each other as endlessly diseased or flawed, and never get out of, "I'm Joe, and I'm a [xyz-] addict".

This may sound cynical, but I've had only limited success from them. Anything that disempowers us should be avoided.

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 7 of not using porn

Thank you @Blondie and @Phineas 808! - really appreciate both your comments
Blondie - yes I've read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Didn't realize there were groups though. Will look into that
And interesting perspective Phineas. Some food for thought
Do agree about avoiding anything disempowering. Will probably try it but keep what you said in mind

Weird day today - felt low energy for some reason
Googled something for work and bikini pics of an adult actress appeared - I clicked on the images tab
No nudity and I realized what I did and clicked off the tab straight away, so not counting it as a relapse
But still a little slip. Changed safesearch from moderate to "strict" (should have been on strict already)
Got to be ever vigilant - traps round every corner

Did my chinups and recovery work. Will do reading later

Thank you again for your support RN community
Really helpful reading all your journals too. Stay strong

 

[Orbiter]

Great job Particularly,

Sounds like those positive habits & pro-active approach have given you the clarity to realise the danger, remember your priorities and get yourself back on course in the nick of time. The only word of caution I would add is to be wary of any "Well you looked a the bikini pic last time and it was alright...why not again? What's the worst that could happen eh?" type thoughts that may occur over the coming days after.

Keep up the great work! You got this

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey particularly_respecting (I think I'll shorten that to P_R) if you don't mind.

Many groups out there subscribe to the 'disease-model' of addiction, and so just view themselves and each other as endlessly diseased or flawed, and never get out of, "I'm Joe, and I'm a [xyz-] addict".

This may sound cynical, but I've had only limited success from them. Anything that disempowers us should be avoided.

Although I do not want to be a buzz-kill, but I as well have my reservations about this method. To me it feels like they make you think you're a mindless fool with no control over your own actions unless you give yourself over to a higher power of your choosing. It feels like they strip you of your own capabilities to learn. As it is a 75 year old model and back then psychology was different, it can be that this very strict and black and white approach was choosen. But for me I think it lacks certain nuances.

But, then again I am someone whos's not going to those groups and after 2,5 years I haven't kicked the addiction yet. So if it works for you, who am I to question this. I don't have the answers at the moment.

I do feel however, that a certain degree of scepticism is needed.

--------
Back to you now, as this is your thread!

You're doing great. I see that you've made things concise and measurable. Perhaps some kindness is needed with the 'success rate'. As in don't be to hard on yourself. You're dealing with a lot and sometimes things just are more difficult. So if you do one less chin up, that's ok man! The only exception in this is the work on recovery and honesty about your addiction. From my own experience I can tell you that the moment you give yourself lenience it's a very slippery slope that often leads to relapse.

You just keep kicking ass, I'm rooting for you

 

[Phineas 808]

Although I do not want to be a buzz-kill, but I as well have my reservations about this method.

I thought I was being the buzz-kill? Lol...!

Exactly, Shade, on all the above- well said. And that includes that, hey, if we're lucky enough to find a group (like here on RN) that is truly supportive- those doing good are humble, and those struggling are supported- and true breakthroughs are occurring, great!

A major break through for me was discovering 'Rational Recovery'of Jack Trimpey- which depicts alcohol addiction- as it promotes that we are ultimately in control when our addicted-brain hijacks our pleasure centers. Kathryn Hansen's work, too, is incredible (dealing with eating disorders), and while we're at it, Dr. Amy Johnson (addictions in general).

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 8 of not using porn

Thank you for the input @Orbiter, @ShadeTrenicin, and @Phineas 808!
Real gems of advice from all of you
Agree about not being lenient with myself
It's led to many relapses in the past - if I let looking at bikini pics become okay behavior, it leads to softcore porn, then relapse

Shade - not a buzzkill at all
If there are things I can change or things I haven't considered, then definitely appreciate the community pointing that out
Thanks for taking the time to comment

Phineas - thanks for the resources! A lot to go through there
Subscribed to Kathryn Hansen's podcast - can see how tactics to fight binge eating could be helpful to us

Okay day today - slept in but decent focus on work
Did my chinups, still got reading/recovery work to do

Stay strong brothers - keep writing in your journals and pushing forward

 

[downhillfromhere]

Great work getting to 8 days!

 

[SebUK]

Day 4 of not using porn

Thank you for your support @Chuckles!
Really appreciate it. Been reading your journal too and seems you are making amazing progress
Yes - it's been tough working this much
I've had a lot pushing me to do it but as you say, I am now coming to terms with the consequences

Now about my recent relapse
Another thing that contributed was complacency or getting bored of recovery - probably a combination
The urges to look at porn never went away, but my defenses became weaker so when the trigger hit, it hit hard
I stopped reading RN so much, I didn't listen to anti-porn podcasts so much, I didn't read anti-porn books so much

So for my next change, I added another daily goal
I will do 15 mins recovery work a day
Mainly this will be reading or podcasts
For the first month it will specifically be anti-porn
Then I will alternate daily between anti-porn and general self-development

Btw I want to keep my goals achievable
So I already have 15 mins reading per day - but if I read an anti-porn book it checks both boxes

Strong urges today, but my motivation feels strong based on my renewed desire to quit after this recent relapse
Did my reading/recovery work/chinups
Still one jog left this week

I have more thoughts on my recent relapse
Probably you are all tired of hearing about it but I will write more tomorrow

Stay strong brothers - sending you all support
Please keep posting in your journals too. Always helps to read about your journeys

Yes this is a familiar pattern to me. After a relapse I will put in place all these structures and systems (defenses) and they will work for a while, sometimes a long while. And then I start to stop doing them because I feel like I'm back in control. However the triggers are still there and may even be stronger: work stress, dating pains, hot women out and about etc. Eventually there is a situation where the defenses just break, and I relapse.

I'm not really sure how to fix this.

In response to a diatribe about all the defenses I had built to stop relapsing (Covenant Eyes for example), my psychologist at the time said "You don't want to make your whole life about fighting the addiction". The implication that these are only short term fixes / defenses and the long term defense is to build a better life.

I'm in two minds about this response though. I'm not sure I am relapsing because I'm unhappy about my life. I often think I relapse because my life is okay, but porn gives me a rush I can't get from anything else. And partly yes this is because I have desensitised my brain to normal pleasures. But this is why the short-term fixes are so important; they help get your brain back to normal.

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 9 of not using porn

Thank you @downhillfromhere and @SebUK!
SebUK - yeah this is difficult. I've had a lot of great advice from members that I respect a lot such as @Orbiter about not hyperfocusing on recovery
I agree - in the long term
In the short term, I don't know. It makes sense, but I've found it easier to stay off porn when engaged in "active recovery"
(including posting here frequently)

I've had mixed success with blockers too and don't want to feel like I'm relying on them
But otoh ColdTurkeyBlocker is working very well (haven't been on Reddit* for 2.5 months)
(*except for a few times when reddit appeared in google results to legitimate questions - but I'm fine with that)

Anyway I plan on focusing on recovery for the first 30 days
Then after that I will mix in more general self-development
We will see Thanks again for your comment and hope you are doing well on your journey too

Good day today
Did my reading/recovery + chinups
Didn't go jogging - but went for a walk with wife instead, which I am happy about
Started reading the easy peasy method. Haven't read enough yet to comment but I know many others have found it helpful

Stay strong brothers - sending out support to the RN community, wherever you are on your journeys to porn-free life

 

[Orbiter]

I think Particularly that you're absolutely right to be doing exactly what you're doing at this point right now. I do believe at least at the start we need to make recovery the highest priority above all else. On the other hand, there will be a point where we have to move forward and address the challenges beyond counting days and managing urges. I can't help but wonder if we're still tough guy white-knuckling months or years from now, is that really meaningful recovery?

Anyway I think keep doing what you're doing, but be flexible & open to change your focus and approach when the time eventually comes. That's my two cents for what it's worth. Other than that, keep up the great work!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I think Particularly that you're absolutely right to be doing exactly what you're doing at this point right now. I do believe at least at the start we need to make recovery the highest priority above all else. On the other hand, there will be a point where we have to move forward and address the challenges beyond counting days and managing urges. I can't help but wonder if we're still tough guy white-knuckling months or years from now, is that really meaningful recovery?

Yes, I think so too that this is a "recovery" and the days without Porn/PMO are only a part of it. I know from my own experience that without addressing the underlying issues, I never made it too far. What happened to me is that I got caught in this mentality: I will start working on my life after I get a good streak going and get some of my motivation, positivity and energy back because now I'm unmotivated and exhausted. But I never made it too far with the streak and I allowed myself to get stuck here. Probably I need to start doing things no matter how I feel. Maybe by working on the underlying issues without waiting for the streak will actually help the streak and the two will move forward together. I don't know, these are my thoughts.

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 10 of not using porn

Thank you for the comments @Orbiter and @Escapeandnevercomeback
Really appreciate views from two legends with a lot of time under their belts fighting this addiction
Definitely agree with both of you that long term, recovery doesn't mean much without meaningful change

Good day today
Good focus at work
Cleared up some admin that's been on my plate for a while
Did my reading and chinups and went for a jog
Will do recovery work after this

Pleased to get to 10 days

Stay strong brothers - sending you all support on your journeys
Never forget that we are doing this to make a positive change in our lives

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 11 of not using porn

Meh day today
Started off strong but got distracted by something not working right
Fixed it after an hour or so but focus never really recovered
At least I was procrastinating on news instead of Reddit or porn like the bad old days
Been raining all day too - maybe that contributed somehow

Did recovery work and reading though
Will do chinups before bed

Big thank you to the RN community as always for writing in your journals
Always helpful to read about the journeys of everyone fighting to eliminate the unwanted influence of porn in their lives

 

[Phineas 808]

At least I was procrastinating on news instead of Reddit or porn like the bad old days

I was a 'late comer' to the fact that Reddit was a major gateway to porn sites! Good job on blowing that bridge, and not giving that garbage any more place in your life!

I still haven't encountered 'Twitter' as such a gateway, but apparently it is...

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

From what I understand from my wife is rhat there are a lot of OF account holders that are promoting their OF in random topics and through personal messages. On top of that there are a lot of nsfw topics as well... So while it can also be a helpfull site, it's also a massive source of triggers and sometimes also pure P.


Congratulations on day 11. There are good days, bad days and "meh" days.. it's all part of the journey. You've made it another day! Good job

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 12 of not using porn

Thank you for your comments @Phineas 808 and @ShadeTrenicin!
Yes, Reddit is a major gateway to porn - but even when it didn't lead to porn, I still wasted so much time procrastinating on that site
In the future I may try giving myself access to certain niche interest/professional subreddits
But atm it's working well for me staying off the site with coldturkey blocker

Not much to say today - energy levels kinda low but no serious urges
Did my chinups/recovery work/reading

Stay strong brothers - sending you all support on your journeys to become porn-free

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 13 of not using porn

Weekly roundup

Goal	Achieved	Success
Reading	7 / 7	100%
Chinups	7 / 7	100%
Jogging	1 / 2	50%
Recovery work	7 / 7	100%

Planned to go for another jog today but it was raining all day
Should've either not left it till Sunday or just gone despite the rain
Still not bad - did my reading and recovery work consistently - B

Progress on changes since last relapse
join men's group
> no progress

take one day off a week
> booked out my schedule for one day a week for next three months
not sure whether clients will respect it - they may ask for work anyway in which case I have to decide

work in living room instead of office in evenings
> been doing it more, but not every night (maybe 4 nights this week)

Overall I think I've made good progress this week
But the shine is taken off by some negative feelings

Talked with wife about how much she contributes
The reason I have to work so hard is because she only works a parttime minimum wage job despite being very qualified
(when we got married she decided she wanted to be a housewife so she quit a good job and basically gave up her career)
It's a lot of stress paying the mortgage and being the sole breadwinner when self-employed
I know this isn't a forum for marriage advice but it kinda bums me out and I feel it feeds into the urge to look at porn
(doesn't mean I'm blaming her - I know it's my own fault for using porn as a coping mechanism for so many years instead of communicating like a functioning adult)

And we have her mother staying with us instead of my wife going away
Thought I was cool with it but it's turning into a bit of a headache
Don't wanna sound like the cliche going about my MIL, but she is a real weird and annoying old lady (sorry for the negativity)

Anyway sorry for venting
Don't really like talking about this stuff with real-life friends because they know my wife
So just wanted to get it off my chest

Hope everyone is staying strong and porn-free
Thank you all for posting in your journals - always helpful to read about the struggles of other men on this journey

 

[Phineas 808]

Awesome, PR! I like the progress you're making in your schedule and goals!

Good job on venting, that's so important for us to have an outlet where perhaps that may not exist!

Rooting for your continued progress!

 

[particularly_respecting]

Thank you @Phineas 808
Don't like to bring negativity but kinda needed to vent so the supportive message means a lot
Hope you are enjoying a great porn-free day

 

[particularly_respecting]

Day 14 of not using porn

Feeling better today
Had a long talk with my wife - I think she gets a lot of where I'm coming from
(She was worried about my health before because I was working so much, so it was probably on her mind anyway )
Changes will be gradual but they are coming

Also went out for a walk with her. Nice to get outside and get fresh air while spending time together

Did my chinups, will do reading/recovery before bed

Thank you again to the RN community and especially Phineas for your support
Sending support to you all in your own battles against porn