Pride and joy


New Member
I am 35 years old, married with no kids (yet), and have been struggling with compulsive porn use at least since I was 18.

My main reason for quitting porn is to improve my relationship with my wife, by focusing my sexual energy on her and improving my PIED.
I also hope that it will make me feel better and more secure in myself - closer to the type of man I want to be.

I've had ups and downs. Some periods when I used porn more and some periods when I used it less.
PIED set in almost immediately. It wasn't always so bad, but I remember struggling sometimes to get good erections with girls in college.
My addiction was worst when I was in my early and mid-twenties. I lived alone and used porn every day, sometimes binging for hours.
My PIED meant I often didn't even try to meet real women. It was easier to watch porn, but that just made the PIED worse, creating a vicious cycle.

In my late twenties, I started to make more of an effort to quit.
Around 2018-2019, I didn't use it for a long time. I can't remember exactly how long, but I think it was around 8 or 9 months.
I remember feeling very confident and sociable at that time. It was also when I met my wife (perhaps not a coincidence?).

But at some point, I started watching porn again, and I haven't been able to build a long streak again.
My wife often spends time at her mother's, leaving me alone in the house. I'm self-employed and work alone on a computer.
Porn and procrastination in general are huge temptations. Every time I relapse, I feel so much regret for setting myself back.

In particular, we are trying for a child, and I often can't finish inside my wife.
She knows about my struggles. Obviously, she knows it's serious, but I don't think she understands it at a deep level.
That's part of why I'm joining this forum. To connect with other men going through similar struggles.
It makes me ashamed to even write it, but sometimes when I can't finish with my wife, I get myself off, finish in a cup, and use a syringe to squirt it inside her.

To any younger men reading this, my advice is: stop using porn TODAY.
Don't be like me - struggling to have a child with my wife because of 15+ years of compulsive porn use.

So, this is my journal. I've made countless attempts to quit in the past, but I'm hoping this time will be different.
I am more concerned with long-term progress than counting days, but I do think streaks can be useful for measuring progress in a simple way.

I used porn yesterday, so today is day 1 of not using porn.
My triggers yesterday were:
> My wife being away
> Stress from having a lot of work
> Putting off work by procrastinating on the internet
> The procrastination then became risky searches, and then a relapse

One final note, the title of my journal is the name of a song by BB King. It happened to be playing when I created this post. He's one of my favorite guitarists.
I hope it doesn't sound too depressing. I do have the blues about what I've written above, but I'm also reminding myself that this is a day-by-day effort.

I'm sending my support to my brothers in this struggle around the world. It's a difficult path, but at least we have some company for the journey ahead.
Procrastination turning into risky behavior means that Procrastination itself is a trigger. I'd avoid the stress by trying to stay ahead of schedule if possible and maybe find healthy hobbies to kill time even if just on the computer.


Well-Known Member
Great going P_R. 14 days is a great achievement.

I recognize the amazing feeling that you can get from sharing with the spouse. It's a very nice way to just let go of certain things. And it feels a lot nicer than PMO don't you think?

I'm also glad to read that there are changes coming for you regarding work. Sure, they are gradual but they are coming
However, I do want to add to that regarding an earlier post you made. I might very well be an ass for saying it but i'm willing to be that person as I want to bring it up so i'll just be as black and white as can be and let you add the nuances later on so that I can make a revised statement ;).

Since your wife is highly qualified to do better paying work and from what I can read has no other reason other than 'wanting to be a housewife' it seems unfair (maybe even selfish) that you have to work your ass off (90 hour weeks you mentioned?) to make ends meet. Especially since it brings you a lot of stress and that adds to your addiction..

I just wanted to mention that. I'm sure I make it sound worse than it is, but to be sure I wanted to ask about it.

Other than that keep killing it my friend, I'm rooting for you!


Well-Known Member
Two weeks already! Good work :) It’s great to see you take such deliberate steps to aid your recovery.

Seems like a good choice to talk to your wife about this, to me it seems like a huge thing in terms of your well-being. I hope you can figure things out, being overworked is never a good thing even if you love what you do.
Day 15 of not using porn

Thank you @Dylbo, @ShadeTrenicin, and @downhillfromhere!
Really appreciate your supportive messages

Dylbo - I procrastinate when I have a lot to do
Yes it's backwards, but the stress of having a lot on makes me waste time (which adds to my stress, like a vicious cycle) 🤦‍♂️
So if I get my work under control that will get better too

And Shade - absolutely not an ass for saying it
I appreciate your honest perspective!
Yes the situation itself is unfair and selfish (she agrees), but my wife is not an unfair and selfish person (in fact, she is very considerate)
Also it's not entirely her fault - I'm also to blame (pushed myself to get more work than necessary)
The situation kinda developed into an unfair situation because of both our actions, but we are in the process of fixing it

Anyway good day today
Slept in but maybe I needed the sleep because then I had good focus at work
Did my chinups, recovery, reading
Still not been out jogging this week

Urges mostly under control
Although I was looking at photography online for legitimate reasons
I visited a photographer's blog that had seminude pics on
Clicked off straight away so not counting as a relapse
But for full disclosure - I told myself I was just visiting to see what the content was
When in reality I knew what it would be

Stay strong brothers - sending support out to everyone in the RN community 💪


Well-Known Member
Close call but it sounds like you managed to avoid passing the point of no return. I think it was good that you can acknowledge that there was a level of intention behind visiting the photographers blog as that awareness may help you to avoid a similar situation in future.

Stay strong with the great habits you have going and make sure to check where you're at and handle the tiredness & work load the best you can for now. It seems like your approach is working out well for you so far.

Keep it up Particularly, you're doing great!
Day 16 of not using porn

Thanks @Orbiter!
Yeah yesterday I let my guard down for a moment but the urges can sneak in it any time
Got to stay vigilant 💪
Been following your journal too - seems you are making great progress on tackling urges

Good day today
Good focus at work
Low urges
Did reading/recovery/chinups

Didn't go for a jog but did do physical yardwork (chopping wood etc.)
Got out of breath so I am counting that as exercise
In fact I am changing this goal from 2 jogs/week to 2 exercise sessions/week (inc. tiring physical yardwork etc.)

Been reading the easy peasy method
I like this metaphor about a person who has a rash on their face
They go to the drugstore and the clerk lets them sample some ointment
Sure enough, the rash goes away, like magic
But then a day or so later it comes back
The person goes back to the drugstore and buys the ointment
The person starts using it at home
The rash goes away every time so the ointment seems good
But then the rash keeps coming back stronger and larger
And the interval between using the ointment and the rash coming back gets shorter and shorter
They keep running out of ointment and going back to the store for more

I guess I don't need to continue or explain it
But it certainly got me thinking

Stay strong and porn-free RN community 💪


Well-Known Member
It's crazy isn't it? Using pornography to escape the problems created by pornography. That's the maddening cycle we find ourselves in though (this is where I don't quite agree with the easy peasy method) I think escaping this cycle is more complicated than the book portrays. Still, any resource that empowers us to take control of our own recovery is at the very least a useful addition to our arsenal.

Sounds like another great, pro-active day of recovery for you Particularly. Your determination & focus throughout the last 16 days is an inspiration. Stay vigilant but keep doing what you're doing. You got this!

Phineas 808

Staff member
Still, any resource that empowers us to take control of our own recovery is at the very least a useful addition to our arsenal.

Well said, Orbiter! I find for myself that multiple approaches are necessary- spiritual, mindful, psychological- there's good in CBT, Mindfulness, meditation, the science of habit change- all of it, except of course for the disempowering ones ;) !
Day 17 of not using porn

Thanks for the comments @Orbiter and @Phineas 808!
Orbiter - definitely been trapped in that vicious cycle many times
But on the positive side, I think we can also reverse it
stop looking at porn > more focus > more willpower > better lifestyle habits, etc. > easier to stay off porn
So I guess momentum has a part to play

Phineas - I like your consistent focus on not disempowering ourselves
How do we reconcile that with the idea that porn is this dangerous super stimulus?
(I wonder if in future it will be viewed like how we view tobacco now)
It's empowering to take responsibility for our own bad choices
But if we don't consider how powerful/addictive porn can be, can ownership turn into shame?
So it's two extremes:
porn is dangerous super stimulus > it's not my fault > I am powerless (disempowering)
I made bad choices of my own free will > it's my fault > I am a bad person (shame)

Probably my logic is not right or I am misunderstanding the whole idea of disempowerment and I need to read more on this
But I always appreciate your insightful commentary and making me consider new points of view

Anyway slow start but good day today
Low energy/focus in the morning but recovered in the afternoon
Did my chinups/recovery/reading

Stay strong RN community - rooting for you all 💪


Respected Member
Almost to 20 days Particularly. How fast time flies!

As regards to the philosophical topic at hand, I don't think it's an either/or issue, and probably lies somewhere in between. I totally agree with everyone that it's a super stimulus, and that a lot us (most of us?) had no idea what we were getting into when first delving into it. But now that we do know, it's in our hands to take the necessary steps to utterly extirpate it from our lives, with no excuses. Which is why I fall somewhere naturally on the self-empowerment side of the argument, but that's also just my natural disposition in general.

My argument has always been, if you truly want to quit, it is completely in your power to do so - super stimulus be damned!

Part 1 is doing whatever is in your power (which is quite mighty!) to create an environment where porn is not an option: both mentally, environmentally and spiritually etc. Imagine you're in jail or lost in the woods without a computer, none of us would give a shit about porn and our stupid vacuous digital harems. And even if we did, what would we do, cry about it under a tree? Ha, no thanks! I knew a guy once who was in jail for 3 years and said that was his longest time (streak? lol) he had never looked at porn. How cool is that? Porn was not an option in jail, so that was that. But my point is, part 1 is creating an environment where porn is not an option, and doing whatever you must to get some distance between yourself and porn, 90 days is always a good number, but it's not the gospel. This does three things: it shows you have the will power to stop, no matter what your stupid brain tells you; 2, it will let you see how much better life is without porn; and 3, experiencing all the symptoms, flat lining etc. should scare the living hell out of you so as to never what to touch that shit again!

Part 2 is interesting and is where I'm at on this journey. Quitting porn for me is not very hard theses days, but it's the next step that I struggle with and trip up on once in a while. Now the question for me is, what things in my life make me go back to porn when the going gets rough? Sure, maybe this is where arguments of the super stimulus have some truth in them, once a neuropathway always a neuropathway right? And I would agree with this to some extent, but it's definitely more than that. For me, Part 2 is about fixing your life, and reconnecting to life, so as to move on from the fantasies of porn etc. I have come to the conclusion that this part is the hardest for me, because quitting porn for 3 months is a short term goal, but fixing your life, well that takes many years, and for someone like myself, thinking long term has never been easy.

Thus, recovery I would say, really does depend on complete self-empowerment and giving the middle finger to porn at all times - super stimulus matters not. First, during the reboot, and secondly, while you fix your life and learn how to deal with life on its own terms.

Well, that's my two cents!

Also, if anyone was wondering, the guy I mentioned who was in jail, went back to his old ways afterwards. Thus, my conclusion to all of this is: Part 1 can be easily enforced, either by society or yourself, and it does create "results;" However, part 2, takes many years of soul searching and asking, Why do I do the things I do?"
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Day 18 of not using porn

Thanks @Blondie for your considered response!
Splitting it up into two parts makes a lot of sense
Definitely agree that ultimately we need to fix our lives to stay off porn long term
Interesting about the guy who was in jail too
Bookmarked this post so I can think about it and come back to it to read again later!
For now I'll be remembering that we have the power to change 👊

Good day today
Good focus at work
Did my chinups, will do reading/recovery work before bed

Btw forgot to mention but yesterday I watched a music video (standard band playing guitar with dancers etc. - not even anything very sexy)
Have been off youtube for a couple of months now and was surprised how much it affected me
Not really triggering, but felt pretty intense
Made me wonder if really my brain has been resetting/getting used to lower level of stimulus

Stay strong and porn-free RN community! 💪
Day 19 of not using porn

Good day today
Good focus at work (despite some router issues with internet)
Did my chinups/reading/recovery work
Still got one exercise session left this week
Hope to fit it in tomorrow - shouldn't have left it till sunday again :rolleyes:

Btw for those that missed it, last week a British MP resigned after being caught watching porn in parliament
Good reminder of:
a) the power porn can have over us
b) consequences

We're on a difficult path but I hope there will come a time when society recognizes the effects of porn and NOT using porn is the default (like with tobacco now) - we are pioneers in that sense
Stay strong and porn-free! 💪

Phineas 808

Staff member
Phineas - I like your consistent focus on not disempowering ourselves
How do we reconcile that with the idea that porn is this dangerous super stimulus?
(I wonder if in future it will be viewed like how we view tobacco now)
It's empowering to take responsibility for our own bad choices
But if we don't consider how powerful/addictive porn can be, can ownership turn into shame?
So it's two extremes:
porn is dangerous super stimulus > it's not my fault > I am powerless (disempowering)
I made bad choices of my own free will > it's my fault > I am a bad person (shame)

Probably my logic is not right or I am misunderstanding the whole idea of disempowerment and I need to read more on this...

PR, there are of course highly addictive substances that one can expose themselves to, such as crack or heroin. But what I'm going to say applies accross the board to both substance and behavioral addictions (which is what p-addiction is).

Of course pornography is a 'super-stimulus' toward the male (and some female) gender, as its geared toward fundamental biology/psychology.

But the human being is such that we find all our strongest bondages as well as our greatest freedoms from within ourselves, within the human power to either severely limit or exceed our limits. Such is the human being- we can take a strand of spagetti and create chains out of them- or, transversely, we can take a pair of chains and turn them into noodles. Consider all the 'strange' things we can become addicted to.

So, what is more dangerous- blacktar heroin as a drug or the brain that can infuse it with more power than it deserves while simultaneously desempowering himself as being hopelessly addicted?

This is what most of us to some degree have done with pornography (hence the use of the 'untriggering' letters 'P/PMO'). We've created this hyper-mystique around it, infusing it with an almost supernatural power as if it were kryptonite rendering us helpless under its power. Many have further adopted disempowering beliefs about ourselves that "as addicts" we're somehow diseased, and so can barely help ourselves- we portray ourselves as someone who must lock themselves up and give the key to someone else because the moon is getting full. God forbid we inadvertently see a bill board with a skimpy model on it! We treat our 'triggers' as something that unleashes an unavoidable series of events that end with us relapsing...

This approach only sets us up for years of failure in this area. The sooner we see that all our successes or failures (lapses) in this area are all us, are all our responsibility, the sooner we will break free.

This is by no means denying that we have in fact created said chains, reinforced habits that became addiction. The power of habit needs to be acknowledged along with the limitations of free-will. Without disempowering ourselves (and ascribing too much power to porn and/or triggers), we need to respect the power of habit- and work with whatever behavioral patterns we wish to hack, and simultaneously change our approach from mindlessness (disempowerment) to mindfulness as we actively change our lives.

As long as we continue to blame the 'power of porn' and not ourselves, the longer we keep the addiction going.
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Phineas 808

Staff member
I agree, @Blondie with the 2 parts of recovery: stopping the actual habits/addictions and then changing our life long-term to address the underlying reasons or causes that helped create this situation. Thankfully, both can be worked on simultaneously.
Day 20 of not using porn

Thank you @Rumson and especially @Phineas 808!
Apologies because I don't have time to reply to your great considered reply now but I will reply properly tomorrow 🙇‍♂️
Also apologies to the RN community - don't have time to respond to your journals today
But just wanted to check in on another porn-free day

Will also do my weekly roundup tomorrow

Stay strong RN brothers - more thoughts to come tomorrow but for now, sending you all support on your journeys 💪
Day 22 of not using porn

@Blondie - thank you for checking in!
The supportive community here at RN is what makes this place so great

First, thank you again to Phineas and Blondie for taking the time to respond to my question about super stimulus vs disempowerment
Phineas - sorry I didn't reply sooner but I bookmarked your post so I can come back to it in future when I need inspiration
Reading your post, I agree that some of us (myself included) have tended to give "triggers" too much power in the past
weird because even though we want to eliminate porn from our lives, we kind of make it a focus of our lives instead by always thinking about it and how to avoid it

Now for my recent progress, I'm doing okay
Stayed off porn the last couple of days but it was honestly very tough
Wife went away on sunday and I was very busy with work - which is why I posted a short post before and missed yesterday
As usual led to procrastination, which increased my time pressure, which made the stress worse 🤦‍♂️
Could feel there was a strong urge within myself to relapse too
Think that kinda fed into the procrastination too somehow - like I was just endlessly putting off the inevitable
Thankfully she came back on monday and work got a tiny bit easier today

In terms of my routine/weekly roundup
Have stuck to my chinups/reading/recovery routine
Still got reading/recovery to do today but I will do it before bed

So last week, on paper, I hit all my goals - chinups/reading/recovery every day and two exercise sessions
But in terms of changes:
1) worked 7 days (bad)
2) didn't stick to my new goal of working in living room in evenings (maybe 2/7 nights) (not good)
3) no progress regarding men's group (bad)

So although my counter increased I don't feel I moved forward last week
All that procrastination has also left me feeling not so good - like eating too much junk food
Even though it was all nonsense like news and amazon shopping, I think in some way it fed into the porn addict part of my brain
Need to increase my focus and get serious about recovery

Stay strong RN community - always a great inspiration reading your journals and seeing people on the same journey to abstain 💪

Phineas 808

Staff member
I agree that some of us (myself included) have tended to give "triggers" too much power in the past
weird because even though we want to eliminate porn from our lives, we kind of make it a focus of our lives instead by always thinking about it and how to avoid it

Well said, PR! That's right, the irony of wanting to leave this nonsense behind, and yet making it such a focus can work against us. But, recovering is about taking back power- and some do this by giving away more power to external stimuli... So, we can make recovery our priority, which is what we want to do, just so we're giving power to ourselves.

Good job on recognizing where you're following through or not on your goals! This self-awareness, even if it's a struggle at first to make these changes, is what's going to help you long term.