Pride and joy

Day 23 of not using porn

Thank you @Phineas 808!
Recovering is about taking back power <- surely truer words were never said

Felt flat/low energy today - probably tiredness from the last few days
Got a lot of work done but more because I had to than because I had good focus
Had a minor argument with wife, which didn't help
Got my chinups/recovery/reading done

Onto the next day. Stay strong RN community. I'm rooting for you all 💪
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 23 of not using porn

Thank you @Phineas 808!
Recovering is about taking back power <- surely truer words were never said

Felt flat/low energy today - probably tiredness from the last few days
Got a lot of work done but more because I had to than because I had good focus
Had a minor argument with wife, which didn't help
Got my chinups/recovery/reading done

Onto the next day. Stay strong RN community. I'm rooting for you all 💪
This is a mental game, that's what I believe. I believe quitting porn is a mental thing. By default the mind likes comfort and hates discomfort. Every time you face discomfort (urges and whatever else) brought by staying away from porn, the mind makes it look like it's a catastrophe, like that feeling will never change, you need to act now and do whatever it takes to stop the feeling but it's bullshit, it's all talk from the mind, we need to control the mind. We control the mind but not listening to it all the time and doing things against what the mind thinks is comfortable for us. Motherfuck porn!
 
Day 24 of not using porn

Thanks @Escapeandnevercomeback - 100% agree
There's always that sneaky voice. Okay ONE image search then back to work :rolleyes:
It's time for us to stop taking the easy path and accept the discomfort - we'll be better men because of it

Good day today, considering how tired I was
Busy but good focus on work
Did my chinups and recovery work. Will do reading before bed
Still got two exercise sessions to do this week - will try to do one tomorrow

Urge to watch porn seems to have receded over the past day or so
But urge to procrastinate is strong - and it can easily lead to porn
Gotta stay vigilant

Keep writing in your journals RN community. Always a big source of inspiration 💪
 
Day 25 of not using porn

Was hoping things were gonna start getting easier at work
But turns out this weekend will be busier than planned
Need to look on the bright side and think about the money
Still kinda bummed out though - decided I'm gonna take a week off next month once I clear jobs already booked in

Some urges today - more than yesterday but not as bad as last weekend
Did my chinups/recovery/reading but still no proper exercise this week

I have started this thing over the past couple of days. In the morning I write in a notebook two columns
Column one is called "work focus/procrastination level" - it has five levels from total focus to zero focus
Every 30mins-1 hour I make a check where my focus is and take countermeasures if needed (e.g. drink a glass of water if focus is a little low)
Column two is the same but its called "porn urges" with five levels ranging from zero porn thoughts to close to relapsing
Maybe it's placebo but actually seems kinda helpful for me so I am mentioning it here in case anyone wants to try

Stay strong RN community. We are all on this journey to become better people 💪
 
Day 26 of not using porn

Difficult day today
Faced strong urges and intrusive thoughts about porn
Was difficult to keep focus - somehow got through it until wife got back from work
Not gonna lie - the thought of what I would write here if I relapsed again helped :ROFLMAO:
Pattern's getting pretty predictable now - stress from work -> strong desire to act out

Did my chinups/recovery/reading
Didn't feel I had time to exercise - although that is probably an excuse
Will do weekly roundup tomorrow but definitely haven't made as much progress as I hoped this week

Stay strong RN community - we're on a difficult journey but let's not forget why we're doing it 💪
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Great to hear that you got through those thought that came up. That's going to make you better able to cope next time.
It's not so strange that you thought of what you would write here - it's such a great help to have someone, some kind of community that in some way holds you accountable, and gives support if you were to slip up.

And hey, almost a month in now! You're doing well! :)
 
Day 1 of not using porn

Thank you for your supportive words @Phineas 808 and @downhillfromhere - it means a lot

But I'm sorry to say I relapsed yesterday :(
I could feel it coming - I should have done more work on my defenses
I was working late at night and procrastinating with risky searches
(yes basically exactly the same thing that happened before - because I am an idiot 🤦‍♂️)

Very disappointed. I was hoping to at least beat my previous streak of 50 days

I told myself "I am busy with work this week - I will work on recovery when I have more time"
But it's a false economy. Working on my defenses makes me more productive at work

Need more time to think about how to beat this

Btw I have been listening to the brain over binge podcast with Kathryn Hansen, which I saw someone else recommend here
About binge eating but surprisingly helpful
I have also been reading the easy peasy method, but while I can recognize the quality of it and I bet it's useful for some, it is not quite clicking with me
If anyone has any recommended resources (books/websites/podcasts, etc.) for strategies to overcome this addiction, I would be grateful
It does not have to be about porn addiction specifically - resources related to dealing with stress and maintaining focus are good too
I am thinking about getting back into Alan Watts, which I read a lot of a few years ago
But more practical resources would be good too

I am doing this for myself and my marriage, but still I feel like I let the community down
Thank you always for being so supportive but sorry I slipped up this time
Please keep writing in your journals - it's always a big help to read
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Particularly, I'm sorry to hear about this. But don't be too hard on yourself, because that never helps you in the end. You still had 26 days without porn, that's a great accomplishment in my opinion. And don't feel like you've let the community down, you certainly didn't let me down. I've been there so many times that it hurts still just to think about it.

A good question to ask yourself is: What positives did you receive out of your last experience with porn? Now this isn't a trick question. Obviously there are no positives looking at porn in the long run, and yes we're all here to never look at porn again, but that's not my question. My question is: What positives did you experience just in that moment?

I think this is a good thing to ask yourself because it's being truthful. And finding truth and admitting it, will help you find your true path on this soul-searching journey. Hiding from truth never helped anyone.

Porn is insane, because on one hand it is utterly perfect in the moment, yet utterly devastating in the long term. The irony of that statement is porn's greatest strength. I think we all here at RN hate to admit this fact, because we hate porn and how it screwed up our lives. But the fact still stands; porn is extremely positive and useful in the moment.

So write out what positive things porn has done for you in the moments you've looked at it. There has to be many and it's okay to admit it. Admitting it doesn't mean you have to agree with it, but doing so just gets it out in the air, the proverbial elephant in the room as they say. And when you get that list with all of porn's positive benefits, it is imperative for you to find another way to get those same benefits by other means - other means that don't screw you up in the long term.

Then say goodbye to porn like you would say goodbye to an old friend. Thank him for all the good times you've had together; however, your values have changed now, and it's time for both of you to admit that fact and move on with your lives.

You're doing well Particularly, just keep at it and you will succeed.

Best

Blondie
 
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Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Btw I have been listening to the brain over binge podcast with Kathryn Hansen, which I saw someone else recommend here
About binge eating but surprisingly helpful
I have also been reading the easy peasy method, but while I can recognize the quality of it and I bet it's useful for some, it is not quite clicking with me
If anyone has any recommended resources (books/websites/podcasts, etc.) for strategies to overcome this addiction, I would be grateful
It does not have to be about porn addiction specifically

Yes, that's a recommendation that I would repeat. Her approach toward binge eating came from Jack Trimpey's work concerning alcohol abuse, as it's uncanny how these addictions, whether substance or behavioral, have so many similarities. I really appreciate Kathryn Hansen's work because eating and sex are so hardwired into us as human beings, that it was easy to make the cross over comparisons.

Again, look into mindfulness and its relationship to OCD or other anxiety disorders, and other addictions.

You have a lot of homework, young man, get to it! :LOL:

P.S., So proud of you for making a good run at it, and have no doubts as to your continued success. You will easily beat your 50 day goal!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear that you relapsed, I understand how disappointing it feels. I was there just a couple of days ago. And there's no need to apologize to anyone, we're here for you.

Doing these risky searches is exactly what got me to relapse as well. It was pretty innocent at first, like looking an Instagram profile of someone who I liked the look of. Of course, the algorithm then learns what I like, and shows me more of that exact thing. Before I know it, I'm looking at these things several times every day, and it becomes sort of normal - totally forgetting that I'm actually engaging in a direct replacement for porn. Then it evolved into actually looking up stuff I knew would be damaging, things that are not just a replacement for porn but directly related to it. It took several days, and it was a gradual process where I lost track of what I was doing and was actively harming my progress.

If there's any advice I can give you, it's to stay away from everything that can be a substitute or replacement to porn, no matter how harmless it might seem right then and there. You know this already, but I feel like it can't harm just to mention - plus I get to reiterate it to myself. :)
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear that you relapsed, I understand how disappointing it feels. I was there just a couple of days ago. And there's no need to apologize to anyone, we're here for you.

Doing these risky searches is exactly what got me to relapse as well. It was pretty innocent at first, like looking an Instagram profile of someone who I liked the look of. Of course, the algorithm then learns what I like, and shows me more of that exact thing. Before I know it, I'm looking at these things several times every day, and it becomes sort of normal - totally forgetting that I'm actually engaging in a direct replacement for porn. Then it evolved into actually looking up stuff I knew would be damaging, things that are not just a replacement for porn but directly related to it. It took several days, and it was a gradual process where I lost track of what I was doing and was actively harming my progress.

If there's any advice I can give you, it's to stay away from everything that can be a substitute or replacement to porn, no matter how harmless it might seem right then and there. You know this already, but I feel like it can't harm just to mention - plus I get to reiterate it to myself. :)
And this ladies and gentlemen is how I screwed up my year and half streak, by doing the exact same thing! I first started looking at totally (mostly?) innocent pictures at first, not porn at all, in fact the first picture was by accident. But gradually, over the course of three weeks, I eventually landed right back into porn's snare. The slippery slop can be a fallacy sometimes, but for me, it holds true for this. You really can't be too careful.

I will add that I was also in a bad mental state at the time, which I would give 50% of my failure to. Over the course of those 500 hundred days I had definitely seen more racy pictures by accident, but my mind and will were strong, so it didn't bother me whatsoever.

Thus, this game is both a mental game but also a practical game: you can't have a bad porn habit and work in a porn store. It's just not conducive for your recovery. Anything that we do that even remotely resembles our past porn habit has to be eradicated entirely from our lives. And if not forever, probably for long time.

So don't feel bad at all, we all do this, and have done this.

Let's learn from our mistakes and keep on going!
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 1 of not using porn

Thank you for your supportive words @Phineas 808 and @downhillfromhere - it means a lot

But I'm sorry to say I relapsed yesterday :(
I could feel it coming - I should have done more work on my defenses
I was working late at night and procrastinating with risky searches
(yes basically exactly the same thing that happened before - because I am an idiot 🤦‍♂️)

Very disappointed. I was hoping to at least beat my previous streak of 50 days

I told myself "I am busy with work this week - I will work on recovery when I have more time"
But it's a false economy. Working on my defenses makes me more productive at work

Need more time to think about how to beat this

Btw I have been listening to the brain over binge podcast with Kathryn Hansen, which I saw someone else recommend here
About binge eating but surprisingly helpful
I have also been reading the easy peasy method, but while I can recognize the quality of it and I bet it's useful for some, it is not quite clicking with me
If anyone has any recommended resources (books/websites/podcasts, etc.) for strategies to overcome this addiction, I would be grateful
It does not have to be about porn addiction specifically - resources related to dealing with stress and maintaining focus are good too
I am thinking about getting back into Alan Watts, which I read a lot of a few years ago
But more practical resources would be good too

I am doing this for myself and my marriage, but still I feel like I let the community down
Thank you always for being so supportive but sorry I slipped up this time
Please keep writing in your journals - it's always a big help to read
i'm so sorry to hear that @particulary_respecting.
it happens man. especially after a long streak like the 26 days you went without consuming.
don't beat yourself up because of it, look at the bright side man, 26 days of no porn takes courage to achieve, especially nowadays when porn is only one click away.
figure out when it went wrong for you, what triggered you to consume, did you see something that day? did you got stressed because of work, and you needed a way to relieve the stress? whatever it is learn from it and get back up...
we are all in this together, sending love...
 
Day 2 of not using porn

Thank you for your support @Blondie, @Phineas 808, @downhillfromhere, and @Ezel
I've said it before but I'll say it again
The supportive community is what makes this place so great
If it wasn't for RN, I would probably have just started regular PMO again after relapsing
Until I reached breaking point and decided to stop - rinse and repeat every 6 months or so
Instead I am back here posting again and still trying to quit. So in that sense it is an improvement

Ezel, yeah there were two main factors:
> work stress (big underlying cause)
> triggering image I saw by accident earlier in the day that was difficult to forget about (short-term immediate cause)

Regarding the work stress, I am trying to change this but it takes time
I put a week off in my schedule next month, and have also booked one day off a week every week
Not sure how much clients will respect that, and it can be difficult to turn them down
Again though - this is an area where I am making changes so I hope it will get better over time

downhill and Blondie - exactly right about this pattern of risky searches
I have now used coldturkeyblocker to block searches without the "safe search" parameter
I am also blocking reddit and youtube (actually that has been a success for me - have seen great improvement in focus over the past 3 months)
It is not perfect but it might make me pause next time in the moment

I like your advice too Blondie about thinking about what I gained from porn
Sounds counterintuitive but I can see it being helpful as you describe
I will try this (probably I will come up with "momentary escape from stress" and think about other ways to cope)

Phineas thank you also for the extra information - I have read a lot of self-help books etc. over the years and even Alan Watts, etc. (as mentioned), but have never gone deep into mindfulness so maybe it would be a good avenue to explore
Thank you again for your supportive comments

Urges were low again today - guess it's a blessing I don't seem to have much of a chaser effect this time
Good focus at work (though again, might've been driven more by being busy and not having much choice)
Did my chinups, will do reading and recovery before bed
Wife is away but (thankfully) back tomorrow

Stay strong RN community
Damn this road is tough - feel like I'm crawling along on hands and knees
But determined to make it somehow
 
Day 3 of not using porn

Good day today
Lots of work but maintained decent focus
Did my chinups - will do reading/recovery work before bed

Feel like I am stalling in recovery
Atm I am basically using the willpower method
My wife does know about this journey, like I said before, but she is not interested in holding me accountable etc.
(and tbh I don't want that to be her role anyway)
So I am just kind of reading about recovery and trying blockers and various tricks to stay clean
Would like to have something to actually work on - make it a more positive recovery
(still planning on joining men's group, which might help - although I've been putting it off for a solid month now)
I will think about this over the next few days

Stay strong RN - sending support to everyone fighting this 💪
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Day 4 of not using porn

Good day today with mostly good focus
Did my chinups/reading/recovery but still haven't done any exercise this week

Got a standing desk in my office
Didn't specifically get it for recovery purposes but kinda hoping it might actually help

Other than that, not much to report - just checking in
Stay strong RN community 💪
i'm proud of you my man, keep pushing...
 
Day 5 of not using porn

Thank you @Ezel! I appreciate the support (y)

Took the morning off work and went out for lunch with wife
Didn't really have time but was good to get away from the office and spend time together
Struggled with focus in the afternoon but knuckled down and got through it
Porn urges were low but felt strong desire to procrastinate

Did my chinups and reading - will do recovery work before bed
Still haven't done any exercise this week, but today it was a conscious decision to spend time with wife, so that's okay
Been doing chinups consistently so next month I will increase to 10 a day

Decided if I make it to 30 days, I will buy myself another book
If I make it to 60 days, I will get something else (not sure what)
90 days - second monitor (this target is unchanged)
1 year - new guitar (unchanged)

I read in easy peasy about how rewarding yourself like this is not a good path to long-term success
I agree - BUT it actually worked well having something to look forward to before my last relapse, so I am giving it another try

Sending support to all the RN community - whether you're on day 1, 10, 100, or 1000 of this journey 💪
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Decided if I make it to 30 days, I will buy myself another book
If I make it to 60 days, I will get something else (not sure what)
90 days - second monitor (this target is unchanged)
1 year - new guitar (unchanged)
Good ideas but for me this kind of motivation never worked. In my experience. This are concepts working on the mental level.

When the urges hit I found that mental level tools don't work very well. Something that has a bit more emotional charge works better but is still limited.

You 60 day reward. Is there any emotional charge behind it?

If you need a 2nd monitor maybe buy it already if you need it.

Lust is very powerful on the emotional level. In my experience it overpowers any mental level tools easily.

One way to play the game at more even playing field is to add emotional charge to the mental level tools. Like for example with lets say feeling the love you have for your wife and really just feel that. If you simultaneously try to hold both feeling at the same time it might be powerful enough to collapse the lust wave.

But what is working for me quite well lately is going beyond both emotional and mental level that is the "spiritual" level.

I just do my best to shift my awareness out of emotional and mental level and just be as awareness (beyond mindfulness) + focus on my spiritual heart and let it automatically handle things.

In any case it takes time to figure what works for each individual. Wishing you best of luck.
 
Day 6 of not using porn

Thank you for the considered response @EarthWalker!
Of course you are right - I agree that these kinds of rewards for myself are not a real solution
Same way blockers etc. are also not a real solution long term
We must make deeper and more meaningful change to get over this long term

I am just trying it this way because it has worked in the past (although I'm still here - so maybe not as well as I thought?)
Maybe it will just buy me a few more days in which to work on meaningful change, but that in itself could be helpful
So I think we are on the same wavelength, despite how I wrote it

Regarding the second monitor - yeah I kinda need it
But I'm not gonna get it until I hit 90 days
I got that monitor arm at 30 days last time, and the empty second arm is mean-mugging me every day while I try to fit everything on one monitor
Yeah it's silly but it reminds me about the journey and makes me regret my relapses more

Focus weak today in the morning but got better in the afternoon
Haven't done as much as I hoped, but progress isn't bad
Did chinups but haven't done recovery work or reading or exercise
I keep saying I'll do recovery work before bed, but I realized today I have missed about 3/5 days this week so I need to knuckle down and work on this

Stay strong RN community - wishing you all well in your journey to become better 💪
 
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