Chronicles of a Cumbrain

The day is the 13th of February 2022. I am your typical 20-something-year-old male from a certain country (that shall not be named for privacy purposes) in Europe. Life in the UK is getting increasingly difficult, and the more stressful life gets, the more drawn to porn I feel myself getting. I am, to the best of my knowledge, very well at hiding my dirty secret. In fact, I am so good that even my wife doesn't know about it.

I started masturbating as early as five years old. Static images was the name of the game. But like most of you on here, I started escalating to more and more questionable content as time went by. I like to consider myself as one of the severe cases on this forum, as I have been actively trying to escape my compulsive porn/masturbation habit since 2011. I have tried so many things. I failed sometimes, and succeeded in others. My PIED is so bad that I can't even get it up to this filth anymore, let alone with my wife. I want to enjoy what remains of my 20s in peace. So I have made a solemn vow to the internet, that I will not engage in any (unwanted) sexually compulsive behaviour as long as I live on this planet. I will chronicle my journey day by day on this thread, and will share titbits of my story along the way. Please feel free to comment on this thread with your experience if you happen to relate to whatever I say. Everyday of this journal will contain a 'wisdom of the day' that you can apply to your own situation. On the flip side, you may think I'm just blathering on about nothing so also feel free to move on to the next thread by the next guy.

Lastly, if you, kind (or troll) internet stranger, think that you are beyond redemption, or that you will never overcome this addiction, or that you are doomed to coomed (had to make it rhyme) for the rest of your life - then this thread might be the one for you. Because, my good man, I have been addicted for over 20 years...when I'm not even 30 yet. I have been trying to kick this addiction for 10 years. I had my last relapse two hours before typing this. I am not a superhuman. I don't possess an unlimited reserve of willpower, nor I'm I one of those lucky chaps on reboot forums that succeeded on first, second, fourth or even tenth attempt. I am confident that I have failed over a thousand times. Imagine trying to quit for ten years. TEN YEARS.

A few points to note: I will be referring to porn as 'filth' as the word porn is triggering for many. I will try to make my stories as safe for work as possible, but by the very nature of the subject, a few triggering themes will slip through the cracks. Nevertheless, I urge (the other type of urge) you to continue reading if you enjoy the journals, as you may find something that applies to your journey. After all, I assume you are either here to get support or to give back to this community.

Welcome aboard, fellow (hopefully, former) cumbrains, and let me tell you a tale of a man who coomed so much, he would give a left nut to quit.
 
D

Deleted member 27008

Guest
Hello my friend. I congratulate you for your determination. I am also a heavy addict. I had a relapse yesterday and today (February 13) is my first clean day as well. It's nice to see another friend starting the journey the same day. I continue to write my own diary. I hope we can do it my friend.
 
D

Deleted member 26092

Guest
Great entry. I am on day 40 something of pornfree and just a minute ago I saw a small ad on a newssite that triggered something in my rotten brain. We don't need that filth and we are better off without.
 
Day 1: Sic Parvis Magna

Thus great things from small things (come). Remember that everything has a beginning. I feel somewhat discouraged that I am on day 1, after had plenty of good streaks in the past. Interestingly, this mentality is a big cause of relapse for me. The cumbrain interprets this thought as 'why start again now, son, when you can always enjoy some nice session today and start strong tomorrow?' Well, first of all, go to hell, cumbrain. Secondly, I've been going through an old journal of mine from last year where I had the same thoughts after a relapse. If I had waited out the urge (not fight it, which I will explore in depth in the future) that particular time last year (12 December), I would be more than 2 months free of this filth. This mentality is devastating for my wellbeing and progress. Whenever I get this thought in the future, I will counter it with the Sic Parvis Magna approach.

After analysing all my long streaks from the past, I was able to single out commonalities between them. One of the biggest drivers for my long-ish streaks was that I would always start strong. It doesn't mean I was never depressed in the first days or felt low, but on the contrary I knew deep down that my cumbrain doesn't stand a chance when it knows I won't be negotiating with it. If you are like me, starting on day 1 again, I suggest you try to work on a mindset shift to counter the cumbrain's excuses. It doesn't matter if you like to count your days or you dislike this approach.

Another important point about starting from day 1 is how quickly time flies. Before you know it I will be 1 month in, and then it's mostly smooth sailing from there (for the most part). Sometimes I would forget about that filth for days when I am on a long streak.

In terms of today, I feel okay. Somewhat confident about this streak because I hit my personal rock bottom this year. Last night when I had my last relapse, my Johnson wasn't even responding, even after furiously rubbing it to the filth I was watching. I guess it's telling me that it's time to move on. I dread the fact that I haven't been intimate with my wife in a long time. I feel like I am holding her hostage, while my cumbrain is holding me hostage. I desire freedom and a life worth living.



 
Great entry. I am on day 40 something of pornfree and just a minute ago I saw a small ad on a newssite that triggered something in my rotten brain. We don't need that filth and we are better off without.
Amen brother. 40 days is good sh**! You are on the right path. I think at this stage of your journey, the preservation of your streak is the most important stage. You need to mobilise your strength to keeping this streak strong for another 2 months. Things will get easy after, but there will be moments like these as you enter days 60, 70, and 90. You are getting stronger every day so also bank on that. By preserving your streak I mean you should cut back on your screen time to minimise the urges and keep yourself on the clear side.
 
Hello my friend. I congratulate you for your determination. I am also a heavy addict. I had a relapse yesterday and today (February 13) is my first clean day as well. It's nice to see another friend starting the journey the same day. I continue to write my own diary. I hope we can do it my friend.
Thank you! That's very encouraging. Remember the days will pass by so quickly, it's worth the wait. Please do check in as often as you need to. We will get through this.
 
Day 2: Do you even surf, bro? (part I)

My last streak in January lasted 16 days. It was more different than my other streaks in that it was mostly an experiment of sorts. One that tests the accrued skillset acquired from months of regular mindfulness meditation practice. A little backstory: I started meditating towards the end of 2020, after dismissing the practice for years as many of us tend to do at first. I thought my problem was always that I have an addiction to porn/masturbation, a compulsive need to use, which had nothing to do with my mind being at 'peace'. Needless to say, as many of us will discover once we take up the practice, is that there is a lot more to it than that. Reading about the scientific evidence of regular mindfulness breathing exercise is what sold me on the practice. I knew my problem was that I likely suffered from some form of hypofrontality, caused by 20 years of frying my brain with this filth. The prospect of strengthening my prefrontal cortex and shrinking my amygdala (aka, the cause of my sorrows) enticed me, and before I knew it, I was on the floor with my eyes closed trying to focus on the breathing.

I couldn't even do 5 minutes without opening my eyes every few seconds. It was the most boring thing I've done in a while. I couldn't bear the thought of being alone with my thoughts. It was at that moment that I realised: I was seeking constant distraction my whole life because I was afraid of my mind! I immediately took up the practice, starting at 10 minutes a day (in 2020). This led to my longest streak in two years (29 days). On top of that, it was significantly easier for me to sit with my thoughts for 20 minutes a day. Unfortunately, shortly after relapsing, I fell out of the practice and got back into trying to power my way through the urges.

The new year comes around and I do some reflection on my old habits. I decide that there's no fighting the cumbrain, at least not with the conventional method. I also knew deep down, any sustained efforts to combat my addiction will require me to incorporate a mindfulness approach (as I had first-hand evidence that it works now). I started meditating one hour each day. I went all in. I never skipped a day, even on days I was relapsing constantly. I knew that I have to stick to it if it's gonna work. Sure enough, almost two months into meditating 1 hour every day (sometimes 2 hours), I just stopped PMOing, and didn't experience significant urges for a long time. In fact, for 70+ days, I was living the best time of my life. I knew I kicked the habit by that point so I dropped the practice to focus on another project I was working on (trying to start a new business). I had stopped the practice for about two weeks, when I relapsed to an NSFW post on Reddit. I was very bummed out, but I think I understood how the game worked at that point...

Towards the end of 2021, until this moment, I haven't been able to put together something that remotely resembles that 70+ day streak from mid-2021. But what's more intriguing to me was in January I thought to give mindfulness yet another shot. I rolled up my sleeves and got in 2 hours (I know I can get extreme) of mindfulness meditation sessions per day. I decided to watch my urges as they come without acting on them. My mindset shifted that day from trying to actively avoid urges, to wishing that I get hit with a very powerful urge so I can practice my urge watching skills and nurture them.

To work in crisis, you have to practice in crisis: Urge surfing is a skill-set. And much like any other skill, you need to practice to get better. A crucial mistake I found myself making was trying to meditate, and as soon as I got 'hit' with an urge, I would try to either fight it (by suppressing it) or by running away from it. With urge surfing you have to want it. You have to want to feel the urge, and take pride in wanting to conquer it. I am reminded by a post by 'William' from 2014:

'Newbies must be told this will not be easy, it will be hard, and they have to expect this pain, endure it, embrace it and even want it to accomplish our task, getting dopamine production back to normal. If you are addicted you WILL feel this pain. You must accept that, and you must embrace it, and you must prepare for it, and on a certain level you have to WANT it. It will not kill you, you will not die, but on a certain level you will feel like it. You know that euphoria that porn abuse gave you at its height? Think of withdrawals as that, but negative times two. No one gets out easy, so, if you are not willing to get out hard, you are not willing to get out.'

This is literally the key. Why was I failing all those years? What is it that I fear the most on this journey? It's the pain of withdrawals. The pain that I am losing something that helps me escape the harshness of my reality. When you strip down an urge to its basic components, what you are left with is just a bunch of sensations we are all familiar with. The heart throbbing, the chest tightness, the shaking, the tunnel vision. The more I practiced with an actual urge, the better I was at observing that the cumbrain was leading me on the path. I just would sit there and watch him do his business with my head. I would watch the mind games he would pull, the pleading, the negotiations, the excuses. For the first time in my life, I was an observer as he tried to hijack the front seat in my head. Meditation is just one piece of the puzzle. The other is practicing with an actual urge. I downloaded an app and got to count each time I would successfully navigate an urge. By the time I reached day 16 (and slipped unfortunately), I realised that I had successfully waited out almost 36 urges! I categorised them on my counter app to ten different categories depending on the intensity I felt. I eventually slipped to a level 10 urge, but that was after I had navigated 3 of those buggers.
 
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D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Welcome to the forum bro and congrats on taking the steps to get out of this addiction.
I'm a big fan of meditation, although I've been out of practice for 7 months its something that helped me a lot in the early days of my journey. I plan on getting back on it as it was a great part of my day. Sounds like you've been through a roller coaster with it all but the fact that you want to change that and improve your situation speaks volumes.

I used to think that it was impossible for me to stop porn, I told myself that it was normal, that everyone else did it and that because the women I watched were "my type" it was okay. Once I did some research, talked to a therapist and realized that others were going through the same issues, I made a decision to change the habit, even if I had to go through hell to get there. I've now made it to 100+ days and I'm still shocked at how far I've come.

I know you can get there too, its never too late for anyone no matter how deep into porn they are.

All the best with your progress!!
 
Do you even surf, bro? (part II)

So, what is urge surfing and why do you need (to hope for) lots of urges to master it?
It may sound counter intuitive to want to have a strong withdrawals on your PMO free journey. But let's imagine this scenario. There's a kid called Ronaldo from a coastal town in Brazil. Ronaldo is 9 and wants to learn surfing like his dad (a local surfing champion in their town). Only thing is Ronaldo is afraid of the waves. They're just too large and scary. The prospect of being caught in one terrifies him. So, Ronaldo practices surfing in the local swimming pool. That’s fine, you have to start somewhere. But one year later of practicing, Ronaldo was still hanging around in the local pool, and never once went to the beach. In an effort to get him to surf at the beach, his coach banned him from frequenting the local pool, and Ronaldo was left with no choice but to try surfing actual waves.

Ronaldo knows he can’t fight the waves. Because no one can. They are meant to become your source of momentum. To his misfortune, his first day was met with large waves, but he couldn’t back down at that moment. So, without further ado, he decided to apply everything his coach taught him over the past year. He didn’t have experience, but he knew what must be done to reach his father’s level. Ronaldo jumped in the water, paddled on his board as he anticipated the large wave, and did everything his coach taught him. Unfortunately, he was consumed by the wave and had to be rescued by a lifeguard. Ricardo, Ronaldo’s best friend, had only been practicing for 6 months, but he rode the largest wave of the day like it was nothing. Ricardo and Ronaldo were both practicing for the same sport. The only difference was Ricardo wanted the waves to ride it, while the latter preferred to postpone the inevitable.

I think you get the point from Ronaldo’s story. I personally can’t fight off the urge, cause it just overpowers me at some point. I can’t distract myself from it forever, as I am not currently in a position to make drastic changes in my life. The only choice I’m left with is to go out to the ocean and learn to surf. When the day comes and I am hit with a level 10 urge again, just like Ricardo, I will be there to reclaim the glory.
 
Welcome to the forum bro and congrats on taking the steps to get out of this addiction.
I'm a big fan of meditation, although I've been out of practice for 7 months its something that helped me a lot in the early days of my journey. I plan on getting back on it as it was a great part of my day. Sounds like you've been through a roller coaster with it all but the fact that you want to change that and improve your situation speaks volumes.

I used to think that it was impossible for me to stop porn, I told myself that it was normal, that everyone else did it and that because the women I watched were "my type" it was okay. Once I did some research, talked to a therapist and realized that others were going through the same issues, I made a decision to change the habit, even if I had to go through hell to get there. I've now made it to 100+ days and I'm still shocked at how far I've come.

I know you can get there too, its never too late for anyone no matter how deep into porn they are.

All the best with your progress!!
Hi Gohan. Thank you for commenting on my journal. Stories like your give me hope to continue this journey. Historically, I would struggle with the urges and not the flatline. I don't mind the flatline the very much cause I think of it as a break from the terrible urges. Hope to see more of you!
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hi Sir Cumbrain of Wankenshire, my leige.
You certainly put a humorous twist on the journal writing, love it! Youve got some good insights, too. So Id say youre in a pretty good position to be successful with your reboot process. Just dont fuck things up by giving into those annoying triggers that can turn you to the "filth".
Yes, the pain of withdrawals is a scary prospect but the pain that comes from a few seconds of pleasure after thrashing youself to pixels on a screen is far, far worse.
 
Day 3: Porn makes the lows in my life lower and the highs less high

I realise that I sound a bit preachy for someone who just has 3 days under his belt. But the truth is I'm writing this stuff for myself as much as I'm writing it for others struggling on this forum. Today I had a very stressful day at work, I felt like quitting my job of 5 years. I feel like I have stagnated, but can't actually find another job because I'm so busy frying my brain with this crap. Anyways, I was feeling pretty low today. When I remembered that I don't PMO anymore, I instantly felt better about myself.

The longer I stay away from porn, the more in touch with my emotions I become. When I feel happy, I genuinely feel that way, and I don't feel that my emotions are clouded or numbed. You know how the saying goes, when you try to numb one uncomfortable feeling (pain or anxiety), you end up numbing all feelings (including joy and mental tranquillity).

I'm very tired today and I don't have much to say. I didn't have urges to relapse so that's good. I've meditated 45 minutes everyday for the last three days and expecting some serious withdrawals in the next week. Ready for some surfin'.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Keep it up brother. Porn will only make our problems worse, and the numbness it creates will only lead to mediocrity and inability to think. You are a non-user of porn, that's amazing!
 
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