Here I go Again

[Simonly]

I've kept the same username, so won't revisit the detail of my past, which can be found in my 1st journal (I'll post a link to it when I find it).

To summarise, I'm over 50, and have history stretching back 4 decades of porn addiction.

It was at the start of 2020 when I made a meanful attempt at overcoming the addiction, and managed a streak of 90 days of no porn ... the "magic number" ???

My relationship with my wife had improved, although my sex drive is greater than her's, and "moments of intimacy" where sporadic and far between ... so thinking I was "cured" I started to endulge in some MO, (but no 'P').

... and then it all went wrong!

The COVID pandemic unexpectedly came along ... and since then, so have other unrelated sources of increased stress and anxiety. The "old habit" was triggered.

There's no such thing as "I'll treat myself just once"! Very quickly the situation got out of control.

I wasn't "cured"! The saying "old habits die hard" couldn't be truer.

I can't blame the Covid pandemic! I can't blame my wife! I can only blame myself for not dealing with what was going on around me, without having to revert back to porn.

I'm now day 47 into this reboot. I've had one episode of p-sub, a few weeks ago ... but nothing since ... until now.

It's now 03:30 in the morning ... I'm wide awake ... one side of my brain is crying out for a dopamine rush, whilst the other side is wrestling the urge.

This is the first real test of this reboot :O

 

[joepanic]

Hi Simonly I think most of us have been through this cycle I know I have had 90 plus days in the past but I'm still here. It can be really tough when your sex drive is higher than your wife. Mine is too. This in no way blames her. But how does one work around it. Perhaps someday some wise man or even better a wise woman will come up with the solution to that. As for the pandemic that certainly has not made things easier either . Blaming one's self I find never helps as that just creates shame and guilt which helps no one. Dealing with what's going on around you is probably the most important statement. And that is the hard part as quite often it might involve others.

Good luck and post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Simonly]

Thanks Joepanic for taking time to reply.

In someway I feel like I haven't progressed forward in 2 years :O ... but on reflection I'm gaining a more realistic outlook of the situation.

I didn't get a chance to update yesterday. Starting this new journal helped gather my thoughts, and eventually I did nod of to sleep.

I've been feeling lethargic over the last few days ... drained off any energy and emotions. I'm guessing this is part of the process of weaning off porn?

I'm not bothering to count days anymore ... instead concentrating on keeping my head in the right space, and not allowing myself to slip into the "zone" where I will be vulnerable to tripping up again, and hopefully get through this stage.

... and so onwards we go!

 

[Simonly]

Not much change over the last couple of days. I'm still feeling lethargic, and have no energy or emotions about anything going on around me.

This is the worst flatline experience I've had!

Despite how cr@p I feel, it know it's reboot process taking effect ... and the mantra "no pain, no gain?" is crying out out in the back of my head.

... and so onwards we go!

 

[Hannibal]

Absolutely. The addicted part of your brain is convinced you are are not getting something really valuable and is trying to lead you back to it. It isn't valuable. It won't make you feel better.
I'm 64 days free now and used to interpret those empty feelings as something I had to get through (which I did) whereas now I see it positively - something that reminds me of how far I've come and that I won't return to.
Good luck. Keep going

 

[Simonly]

@Hannibal ... 64 days is a great achievement

I'm having a tough time at the moment ... I've got to ride through this storm for the sake of my sanity

... and so onwards we go!

 

[Simonly]

I'm going to reset the counter

I'm not using any internet filters. I don't want to rely on them, and have found that a "determined" addict can circumnavigated them. So far I haven't had to rely on them having vowed to myself that I wouldn't let any "filth" pass over the screen of my new phone.

The problem I'm now struggling with is p-substitutes. As mentioned in an earlier post, I've had a skirmish with p-substitutes ... but managed to keep my guard up, and nothing came of it.

Yesterday, whilst on a so called "safe" social media site, the guard dropped and I succumbed to the "suggested for you" links. Arguably it wasn't "obvious" porn ... and I didn't spend hours searching for it ... but when confronted with it my brain went into frenzy and ultimately it led to MO, at a time when I was vulnerable.

Social media is minefield. I've now deleted my account.

... and so onwards we go!

 

[Simonly]

There's no denying that I've relapsed "properly" this time ... I can't pretend that I "accidentally" stumbled on some p-subs!

It's been one hell of a week. I've been put under alot of pressure at work, due to workload, and the introduction of a new work pattern. At home I'm in dispute with a builder over some renovation which haven't been completed to my satisfaction.

My wife is now sleeping in the spare bedroom because of my restless sleep, and when I finally fall asleep apparently I snore, which is keeping her awake.

The other night I was struggling to get to sleep, and the envitable happened ... I knowingly went searching for porn ... and PMO'ed ... not just once, but again in the morning.

A 69 day streak completely wasted!

I can "feel" in my brain the impact. This addiction just won't go away, and is lurking around corner.

To make things worst, I'm now in bed with COVID symptoms, and feel absolutely drained.

The trigger was stress.

... and so onwards we go!

 

[TakeActionNow]

The issues isn't the streak broken or the relapse.
The issue is the replacement, or lack of.

PMO replaced our traditional way to self soothe and manage stressful times to become the primary or only way of comfort and escape.

You have clearly defined the roots of your stressors.
But if replacement ways to PMO for self care are not clear or effective or applied, then that is the main reason for returning to PMO, not the stressors.

As long as we have not defined or practice replacement strategies, we will falter, even if one has 1000+ day streaks. That would be streaks by force, not by choice.
Choice simply means options.
We'll be in a much better place when alternative soothing strategies become preferred over PMO as our primary path to self soothing.

 

[Simonly]

The issues isn't the streak broken or the relapse.
The issue is the replacement, or lack of.

PMO replaced our traditional way to self soothe and manage stressful times to become the primary or only way of comfort and escape.

You have clearly defined the roots of your stressors.
But if replacement ways to PMO for self care are not clear or effective or applied, then that is the main reason for returning to PMO, not the stressors.

As long as we have not defined or practice replacement strategies, we will falter, even if one has 1000+ day streaks. That would be streaks by force, not by choice.
Choice simply means options.
We'll be in a much better place when alternative soothing strategies become preferred over PMO as our primary path to self soothing.

@TakeActionNow I have to thank you for your reply, especially the sentence I have highlighted in your reply, which has really "hit home to me" the root cause of the of cycle of behaviour I have been going through, especially in recent years.

I have manged to "force" a few longish streaks, when the conditions have been right, but eventually when faced with a situation I can't handle, I turn to PMO. Sorting out the current stressors will resolve the immediate issue ... but in the long term, I've got to break the habit of falling back to PMO.

I have to thank you again, for making me face up to the hard hitting reality of the truth.

Incidentally, I am recovering from COVID, and over the last few days have been forced to do some soul searching.

... and so onwards we go!

 

[hoague]

Thank you for sharing your journey. I have found myself going through the flatline, the lethargy as well and it helps to know we are not alone in the dark...

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Simonly, take heart my friend, for we are only human.
I too falter, but it is the getting up and continuing that matters more that the momentary lapses.

In time and practice, old habits diminish and new ones take hold. Look at it like a new garden. What we plant today we'd enjoy tomorrow. I know your garden will be a beautiful one.