Why do I keep self destructing?

I've struggled with sexual dysfunction my entire life. My sexual development has been a perfect storm: At a very young age I masturbated prone (since stopped), discovered porn and got into fetishes.

By the time I was in college I already had severe PIED. I had a girlfriend but I couldn't perform, the relationship fizzled out.

I'm now 30 and still have PIED and zero libido. I've avoided girls, despite getting plenty of attention, since college because of the humiliation of my condition.

Despite it all, I keep relapsing.

My longest ever clean streak has been 7 months, I recently relapsed after 6 months. The idea of going clean for 1-2 years seems impossible to me. I believe I need a perfect streak of at least 2 years to recover, I'll keep trying, but it seems so fucking daunting.

How do people manage to stay clean for 1 to 2 years? It just seems so absurdly difficult. I suffer from bouts of deep sadness and anxiety, and in those times my neurotic mind leads me down a path of self destruction to seek the temporary comfort of a quick dopamine hit PMO provides. I hate that I'm so weak. It's all making me hate my sad, unfortunate life.

I'll keep trying. I'll try to be positive. Any advice appreciated. Sorry for the pity post.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Are the triggers always the same? What made you relapse after the 7 month streak?
1-2 years clean is definitely not impossible. it gets to the stage where the thought of porn never evenenters your mind, or if it does its such a repulsive thought that it has no effect on you other than revulsion at the idea.
 
Are the triggers always the same? What made you relapse after the 7 month streak?
1-2 years clean is definitely not impossible. it gets to the stage where the thought of porn never evenenters your mind, or if it does its such a repulsive thought that it has no effect on you other than revulsion at the idea.
The cause of the 7 month relapse was a feeling a deep feeling of loneliness during the holidays (even though I was with family).

Also, why does the recovery time keep moving? When I first started this journey, people would insist it was 1 year for recovery, then I read 2 years, now I'm seeing posts saying 3 years. What next... 5 years? What's going on? (Maybe... some people are... permanently damaged?)
 

Wonder

Member
The cause of the 7 month relapse was a feeling a deep feeling of loneliness during the holidays (even though I was with family).

Also, why does the recovery time keep moving? When I first started this journey, people would insist it was 1 year for recovery, then I read 2 years, now I'm seeing posts saying 3 years. What next... 5 years? What's going on? (Maybe... some people are... permanently damaged?)
Of course there are, and not a few cases that have never been cured. Most quietly retreat these forums so as not to create panic. And I am convinced that I will never heal, maybe some improvements but I do not hope for anything serious. But your only chance to try ... I'm sorry for the direct way I expressed myself.
 

forestwater

Member
Most of the advice on this forum is something along the lines of "improve the rest of your life, and the porn will stop being such a big issue" and I honestly think that's true. If you get rid of a habit without replacing it with anything, then you'll be sitting around feeling the lack of the habit, and that will tempt you to fall back into it. Whereas, if you get rid of the habit but replace it with other fulfilling things, then you may not even notice that the habit is gone!

Here's a list of life improvements off the top of my head. You don't have to do all of them, but if you pick a couple and work at them consistently, I bet you'll see good results:
  • Meditation (I use an app called Healthy Minds Program)
  • Exercise
  • Community involvement (i.e. volunteering)
  • Creative hobbies that don't involve a screen (i.e. musical instruments, cooking, gardening, etc.)
  • Strengthening relationships with the people in your life
  • Reading
  • Nature-based hobbies (i.e. hiking, birdwatching, boating, etc.)
Notice that none of these things involve screens or instant gratification. They are all satisfying and fulfilling in their own ways, but they don't abuse your dopamine receptors the way that social media and porn do. The more you get used to finding fulfillment in real-life situations, the easier it will be to stay away from porn.

Good luck!
 

Fappy

Respected Member
The cause of the 7 month relapse was a feeling a deep feeling of loneliness during the holidays (even though I was with family).

Also, why does the recovery time keep moving? When I first started this journey, people would insist it was 1 year for recovery, then I read 2 years, now I'm seeing posts saying 3 years. What next... 5 years? What's going on? (Maybe... some people are... permanently damaged?)
I don’t know if the recovery time keeps moving, it’s different for everyone. For some it’s a month for others it’s three years. The standard amount of time it takes to rewire the brains neuro-pathways from an addiction is 90 days. But don’t assume that’s going to be the case for you.
You seem caught in a vicious cycle where porn is your only comfort; it’s not that you’re incurable it’s that you keep falling back into your bad habits.
You’ve really just got to think that porn isn’t an option and that if you PMO you’ll just be throwing yourself back into that pit of despair and self pity.
 
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