Shame Post


Active Member
Hello fellow rebooters. I am posting today to alleviate myself from shame. It’s well established that shame can be linked to addictions and compulsive behaviours. It’s also well established that talking to other people about your shame can help you overcome it. This is only true if you tell people who will be respectful and empathize, though.

However, YBOP teaches us, that addiction can be primary, i.e. not linked to a psychological problem. So, if you think there’s something wrong with you, you may have a shame problem. If you don’t think there's something wrong with you, maybe you don’t have a shame problem. If you don’t know if you have a shame problem or not, you’re supposed to talk to a psychologist to find out. If you do have a shame problem, though, you’re supposed to share it with others that you think will be respectful, to alleviate the shame and help you overcome the addiction. So, this is the purpose of this post – to alleviate my shame by sharing it with you guys.

So, alleviating shame involves revealing your dirtiest secret or secrets. Everything serious that you worry about, everything major that you’ve done wrong and anything that you think is particularly bad about you and your lifetime’s behaviour and experiences.

So, what have I done?

The main problem is virgin. As a young man, I had problems with confidence socially and with talking to women. As an older man (I’m in my mid-thirties now), I’ve tried to fix it with psychologists and pick-up, but I still haven’t solved it completely (I am definitely better, though). So I’m still a virgin. If you’re wondering which approach is better (psychologist or PUA), I recommend a good psychologist. If things don’t work out with the first one, get a second opinion (see a different psychologist).

Paradoxically, virgin was a worse problem when I was younger. As a young man, surrounded by other young men (and some women), I spent time with a lot of immature people who thought that being a virgin was the worst thing you can be. This is why it’s not as bad now; I know that it isn’t the worst thing you can be.

I know that terrorism, serious crime and disability are some common problems that are worse than virgin. I know this from watching the news. I’m telling you this so that if you’re 22 and think virgin is the worst thing you can be, you can try watching the news, or talking to someone else who regularly watches the news, or is at least mature and they’ll tell you virgin isn’t that bad. Would you rather be a violent man? A drug addict? A terrorist? I wouldn’t. I’d rather be a virgin. I didn’t have this perspective until I got into psychology and watching the news.

Most concerningly, as a young man, though, I wrote three suicide notes, at three separate times. I wrote them because I actually did think that virgin was terrible. I thought that death was the end, but sometimes wanted to die anyway. The only people I’ve ever told about this (before now) were psychologists. Now I’m telling you guys to alleviate my shame and hopefully to help some younger virgins who think being a virgin is a disaster.

Of course, I now know that some of the problem I had with women was due to PMO (who really knew this back in the early noughties, when it happened to me? Not many), some was due to brewer’s droop and some was probably due to performance anxiety. The good thing is that I now know what to fix.

From learning about psychology, I’ve been able to recognize the good things about myself. I’m intelligent, good-looking, muscular (with a full-house build), likeable, funny, sensible, capable and employable, dateable and attractive. I think this should be enough to get me a good job and an attractive girlfriend within a sensible time-frame, so we’ll see.

I’m also going to add that in my opinion, using sex workers isn’t the answer. I’m saying this just in case some other young virgin men are tempted by them. If you want to know why you shouldn’t use sex workers, I suggest you find out about “human trafficking” to your satisfaction. I reckon this will put most of you off, which I think is good. What you should do instead, according to me, is contact a psychologist and tell him or her that you find it hard to get a girlfriend and can they help.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you want to post about your own shame in this thread, feel free to post. If you want to be supportive, post away. If you want to know why being a virgin is such a big deal to young men, I recommend you watch the original “American Pie” film. Watch out for Jason Biggs character, the protagonist. He is a young teenage man with raging teenage hormones, but says at a point in time that he “hates sex”. This is due to the stigma of being a virgin, which he finds intolerable (he is a virgin at the time). He isn’t the geekiest guy (“The Sherminator” is and Jason’s character’s friends are popular). This particular film was released when I was a teenager, was very popular at the time and provides insights into the young mens’ opinions about sex and virginity at the time. This is why it’s so helpful in understanding the stigma of being a male virgin.

Many thanks for reading and I hope you liked the post,


Deleted member 27008

Of course, being a virgin isn't the worst. But that's the wrong sentence. Because being a virgin isn't bad anyway. So the worst can never be.
This is completely due to a social pressure. Human psychology wants to adapt to the environment in which he lives.
If there are aspects that separate you from the social environment you live in, these may disturb you.
If everyone around you is talking about your sex last night. If your friends are talking about the number of sex they have had so far, you may feel that you are missing out on this issue. Because the main biological purpose of a man is to continue his generation.
Strangely enough, although we think we've built a great civilization, this core purpose is still central to our lives. It's just changed shape. Sex with multiple women is seen as a power and a success. At least in most circles, it's like that.
This is an imposition of the social structure. A man who remains untouched for a long time (unable to realize his biological purpose) is unsuccessful.
While everyone has a car, if you don't, you will feel isolated and unable to keep up with the society. Humans are social creatures and cannot live alone. Therefore, they want to adapt to their surroundings. If they cannot keep up with the general acceptances in their social environment, they feel excluded.
When everyone has a girlfriend and you don't, you'll feel bad for that. So is virginity.
our biological roots (masculinity), pressure to adapt due to being a social creature, social acceptance and impositions... these are the things that make us feel bad about this.
My own view is this. Human is not a purely biological being. I would like to share my body with a person with whom I share my life, thoughts and goals. I think this is the right thing.
but he who does not get the opportunity to be immoral cannot claim to be moral.
I don't want to be too judgmental because I don't have the opportunity to test my will on this issue in a real way. I have a lot of opportunities for paid sex, but I'm totally against it anyway.


Active Member
This is my second shame post. The first one is above. Strangely, I was more bothered about the first issue than this one, despite the fact that this one is definitely, objectively, “worse”.

So, this second issue is my past use of sex workers. I first found out about sex work many years back by reading the back of a free newspaper, as a virgin. Sex, for £50, I thought? This is the best thing I’ve ever heard of! How wrong I was.

At the time I knew little to nothing about women. I’d never had a girlfriend, or really even a good female friend. I didn’t even know that women liked compliments. This is why I didn’t know that women hate that job and only do it out of desperation.

Having now read plenty of books and articles and watched plenty of documentaries and TED talks, I now know that the most common reasons for a woman to take that job are (in my opinion):

  1. Pimp control
  2. Unable to pay the bills
  3. Funding a drug habit

Number 1 means a man finds an attractive but vulnerable young woman and threatens to beat her to death if she doesn’t “work” for him. So she works for him.

Number 2 is either 1: a single mum who can’t afford childcare to do an ordinary job like waitress, because the childcare is more than the job pays, or 2: a homeless woman who can’t afford food and drink because she doesn’t have a job.

Number three is when she’s so desperate for her hit of whatever drug she’s into that she just sells herself to pay for the addiction.

All this means that the consent when using a sex worker is patchy at best and non-existant at worst. This means that most “Johns” are, I reckon, technically rapists. That includes me. My only defence is that I would say that it’s both “ignorant rape” and a mistake of my youth (I haven’t paid for sex in ten years now).

Ignorant rape is a phrase I’m using to denote rape that the perpetrator doesn’t realise is rape. So, at 21 when I found out about sex work, I thought they just wanted the money and the consent was legit. Now that I’m more clued up, I can at least say firstly that I’ve quit using sex workers and will never go back and secondly that I’ve done things to make up for my problematic behaviour. Specifically, I donated a total of £2k to charities who deal with sex work victims in one way or another: Stella’s Voice, Rape Crisis and The Salvation Army each got a third (£667).

How can I be a virgin (see my first post, above) and a rapist and have used sex workers? Well, firstly, rape doesn’t count. Secondly, I had porn-induced anorgasmia, so the other times don’t count, either.

So that’s my story. The most important takeaway for those of you who are young and potentially as naieve as I was is that if you’re considering using a sex worker, read books and articles about it and watch documentaries and TED talks about it too. This will clue you up to the reality of sex work and will hopefully stop some of you getting involved.

The most important takeaway for those of you in my age range (30’s) is that if you allow a daughter to become homeless, you’re putting her at increased risk of trafficking by a pimp. So, if she steals your car at 16, joyrides it and crashes it, do you really want to kick her out of the house for that? I’d advise caution there.


I used a bunch of sex workers in my youth, but I regret it and now I’m ten years clean. I’ve also tried to make amends by donating money to relevant charities. I’m posting to alleviate shame.
Este é o meu segundo post de vergonha. A primeira está acima. Estranhamente, eu estava mais preocupado com a primeira edição do que com esta, apesar do fato de que esta é definitivamente, objetivamente, “pior”.

Então, esta segunda questão é o meu uso passado de profissionais do sexo. Eu descobri o trabalho sexual pela primeira vez há muitos anos lendo a contracapa de um jornal gratuito, ainda virgem. Sexo, por £ 50, eu pensei? Essa é a melhor coisa que eu já ouvi falar! Como eu estava errado.

Na época eu sabia pouco ou nada sobre as mulheres. Eu nunca tive uma namorada, ou mesmo uma boa amiga. Eu nem sabia que as mulheres gostavam de elogios. É por isso que eu não sabia que as mulheres odeiam esse trabalho e só o fazem por desespero.

Tendo lido muitos livros e artigos e assistido a muitos documentários e palestras no TED, agora sei que as razões mais comuns para uma mulher aceitar esse emprego são (na minha opinião):

  1. Controle de cafetão
  2. Incapaz de pagar as contas
  3. Financiar um hábito de drogas

Número 1 significa que um homem encontra uma jovem atraente, mas vulnerável, e ameaça espancá-la até a morte se ela não “trabalhar” para ele. Então ela trabalha para ele.

O número 2 é 1: uma mãe solteira que não pode pagar uma creche para fazer um trabalho comum como garçonete, porque a creche é mais do que o trabalho paga, ou 2: uma mulher sem-teto que não pode pagar comida e bebida porque não não tem um emprego.

O número três é quando ela está tão desesperada por sua dose de qualquer droga que ela apenas se vende para pagar pelo vício.

Tudo isso significa que o consentimento ao usar uma profissional do sexo é irregular na melhor das hipóteses e inexistente na pior das hipóteses. Isso significa que a maioria dos “Johns” são, eu acho, tecnicamente estupradores. Isso me inclui. Minha única defesa é que eu diria que é tanto um “estupro ignorante” quanto um erro da minha juventude (não pago por sexo há dez anos).

Estupro ignorante é uma frase que estou usando para denotar estupro que o perpetrador não percebe que é estupro. Então, aos 21 anos, quando descobri sobre o trabalho sexual, pensei que eles só queriam o dinheiro e o consentimento era legítimo. Agora que estou mais informada, posso pelo menos dizer em primeiro lugar que parei de usar profissionais do sexo e nunca mais voltarei e em segundo lugar que fiz coisas para compensar meu comportamento problemático. Especificamente, doei um total de £ 2 mil para instituições de caridade que lidam com vítimas de trabalho sexual de uma forma ou de outra: Stella's Voice, Rape Crisis e The Salvation Army receberam um terço (£ 667).

Como posso ser virgem (veja meu primeiro post, acima) e estuprador e ter usado profissionais do sexo? Bem, em primeiro lugar, o estupro não conta. Em segundo lugar, eu tive anorgasmia induzida por pornografia, então as outras vezes também não contam.

Então essa é a minha história. A lição mais importante para aqueles de vocês que são jovens e potencialmente tão ingênuos quanto eu é que, se você está pensando em usar uma profissional do sexo, leia livros e artigos sobre isso e assista a documentários e palestras no TED sobre isso também. Isso irá ajudá-lo a entender a realidade do trabalho sexual e, com sorte, impedirá que alguns de vocês se envolvam.

A lição mais importante para aqueles de vocês na minha faixa etária (30 anos) é que, se você permitir que uma filha fique sem-teto, você a está colocando em risco aumentado de ser traficada por um cafetão. Então, se ela roubar seu carro aos 16 anos, andar com ele e bater, você realmente quer expulsá-la de casa por isso? Eu aconselho cautela lá.


Usei um monte de profissionais do sexo na minha juventude, mas me arrependo e agora estou limpo há dez anos. Eu também tentei fazer as pazes doando dinheiro para instituições de caridade relevantes. Estou postando para aliviar a vergonha.
Oi, sou Arthur (e sou), tenho 16 anos e entrei neste fórum ontem, literalmente. Sei que pouco faz tempo que entrei, mas realmente faz muito mais tempo que penso em fazer-lo, mas não o faço. Eu li seus dois posts (fapfreezone) e realmente senti pena de você. Depois senti raiva quando você disse que pagava por profissionais de sexo. Enfim, o que estou tentando dizer é que eu realmente não te odeio por isso, embora eu acredite que eu acredito moralmente que isso ou que você é muito errado, eu também tenho segredinhos sujos. Eu tenho 16 anos e há 5 anos eu pornografia, me masturbar com. O problema é que eu não tenho celular a ver pornografia cedo demais (com 6 anos de idade) e foi no meu pai. E sim, (pelo que você já deve estar pensando), meu pai naquela época era um viciado em pornografia. Me sinto por todos esses anos e realmente fico chateado que meu pai de certa forma por isso tem uma má formação para isso, porque ele usou para frente na minha vida, porque ele usou para minha influência e não minha influência para falar com ele. parava de assistir. Eu sabia que sabia, porém não dizia nada.
Hoje estou enfrentando as consequências físicas, mentais e sociais destes vícios. Sempre fui um garoto muito perturbado, excluído e solitário. A vítima perfeita da indústria pornografica. Me sinto muito mal. E, depois depois contar essa história, quero que todos vocês sabiam (e também interajam comigo) sobre o assunto. Em 2019, eu comecei a me mutilar algumas vezes com a promessa de que nunca mais na minha vida iria me masturbar e ver pornografia, porém depois desse dia eu voltei a fazê-lo. Me senti um lixo, uma pessoa que não merecia viver. Tanto é que não foram poucas vezes que eu pensei em suicídio. Nunca tive tendências suicidas, depressão. Porém, a ideia de me suicidar me assombrou durante muito tempo da minha vida. Eu me sentia realmente dentro de um loop infinito de sofrimento psicológico, e ninguém me ajudava. Foi um tempo realmente difícil para mim. Não desejo isso a ninguém.


Active Member
Hey man, I dont want to write a big text, I don't habe time for that now. But congrats on your mature view on things. I really like your approach and I know about the shame thing. Just had a similar confession to my psychologist a few days ago, about PIED. I also like your stance on prostitution.
You seem to be a great guy with a grown mindset. I wish you the best brother!