Lifetime of porn use, but ready for the best part of my life to begin

Onmyway19

Active Member
I was exposed to porn at a pretty young age. It became my go to stress relief for almost any situation. An escape where I had control, or so I thought. It really took hold of me once the internet was available to me at the tip of my fingers. Before I knew it I was PMO multiple times a day. Different genres escalated into a pretty dark place, even to the point I wasn't sure of my sexuality. This led me the lowest point in my life by far. I sought out pleasure from people outside of my marriage. I started on kik message groups, meeting guys and sharing pictures and videos. This led to my 1st experience with PIED, though i didn't tie it all together. Though I never physically touched anyone else, the intent was there, the betrayal was there and I crossed a line I swore I never would. It was more than just porn. Even then, I kept trying to justify my behavior. Until I was caught. She found the kik app on my phone when we were on vacation, with my family and another family that we're friends with. Though I deleted everything and she didn't really know all that I did on there, I eventually told her everything. I ruined everything 😪 our vacation, her trust, and our entire marriage. It took weeks of apologies, and starting to see a therapist for things I had been battling most of my life. She slowly came back to me. It wasn't easy and I'm now glad it happened, because it was the only way I would have stopped, no matter how badly I wanted to. I stopped pmo for roughly 9- 10 months. Things were a good as they'd ever been. Then I slipped. Using psubs. That trickle opened a flood gate. Within weeks back to pmo daily. Sometimes 3 or 4 times. Deeper and darker stuff each time. When she found out again it was basically all bi. or homosexual. Not denying my attraction to men, but I promised my heart and soul to her, twice now. I intend to stick to my word. She was obviously devastated. I did exactly what I promised her I wouldn't, and worked so hard for a long time not to. I know now the approach I took last time won't work.
That happened 20 days ago. Since then I have stopped consuming P or any Psubs. It's a decision I make every minute of every day to not fall back into that trap. The harder part has been healing the disconnect I've created, not only with her but my entire family. I feel like it really effected my relationship with my son as well, even possibly contributing to some of his mental health and drug issues. We are working on our bond, but I feel like the trust is no longer there, though I'm not sure he knows anything about what I've been through, or my wife. It seems like the timing coincides with everything.
None of this can be fixed overnight. It will take a lot of emotional strength and letting go of things I've struggled with for a long time. Finding this group has made a huge difference. It's where I come to, instead of giving into my addiction. I've learned a lot already and hopefully my story gives hope to others, like I've found here. Though early in my journey, I have more hope for success than I've ever had, and also have the tools required for that success.
I'm grateful for this group, and the opportunity to prove to my family how much better I can be without P.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Welcome my friend. Thanks for your honesty, that's a beautiful thing indeed. You will find much help and encouragement here. You've taken a great step forward.

Best on your new journey.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Welcome to RN and your journey is similar to many. Good luck not only with this removal of the P demon but also rebuilding your family's trust. It can be done, it will take some work, but it will be worth it.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Day 23. Still no P or Psubs. That part has been easy so far. Things have been good with the wife and family. The hardest part Still has been knowing what I've wasted and all I've lost to this. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to make things right and know that I can never go back to the way I did things before, nor do I ever want to.
I did MO for the 1st time today. Not sure what brought it on, more of a test I guess. It didn't take very long, lol. I've had sex with the wife a few times with no issue since stopping and I suppose I just wanted to see how it went alone, without porn. Though I don't really regret it I know it's something that could send me down a path that I want no part of. So, I need to be very diligent in not letting it become a habit, even without p or psubs.
Thanks for the responses and positive influence from all of you guys. It definitely goes a long way in making this easier
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
The path to freedom is not simply the avoidance of temptation, but the growing and reliance of real world life experiences to help replace dependency on temptations to feel good about ourselves.

Focus on self development.
Focus on helping others.
These gives greater satisfaction than any dependencies will and will free you from the bonds of addiction reliance.

The more we move away from PMO, the clearer our eyes will be on the opportunities and possibilities around us.

You are doing great.
Keep up your good work.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Day 28 ish. 4 weeks have passed since I've watched any P or psubs. Though the temptation is there, I've been able to say no. I've vowed to never again give in to my addiction. Practicing mindfulness, exercising, and just being open about things, have helped immensely, along with coming here and reminding myself that P has no benefit or place in my life.
I really feel like I'm getting the life I always knew was right within reach. I've had no PIED issues since after about the 1st week. I actually had sex last night and finished two times and was still at attention after the 2nd O. My mind is more clear, I'm more motivated to do projects around the house, and the extra effort towards my wife is definitely paying dividends 😉🥵🥵.
I'm so grateful to have this wealth of knowledge and positive influence from this forum. Without it, I know I'd still be spinning my wheels with little to no progress made. Though I know I'm nowhere near where I need to be, I'm definitely much closer than I was a month ago. Thanks friends and best of luck to you all in your journey
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Another week down, no pmo or p subs. Really just trying to focus on repairing the damage I've done to my relationship. She's devastated still and just can't trust me. Though I know how committed I am to removing P from my life permanently, She's heard it all from me before. All the promises that I've broken, all the sneaky shit I did to hide my addiction. It's really a wonder why she's still here. I'm grateful for that, but it makes me realize even more, how close I am to losing her. My best friend in the whole world, the only person who has ever truly had my back. And I shit all over her and her feelings with my continued behavior. Avoiding the real damage is was doing because I wanted to get off. How fucking disgusting and selfish is that? It's not been easy picking those pieces up. Feeling her hurt and anger is as devastating to me as what I did to her. But I deserve that, she never did. She's always put me and our relationship 1st and foremost. She's never wronged me in any way and I disregard and disrespected that every chance I got. I've wasted so much of my life on this shit, and it's nearly cost me everything. I dont know how to show her this time is different. I don't know how to create that trust I've broken again. It will never be the same again and that's terrifying, but also sort of freeing. There was only ever false trust there before, because of the lying and hiding and covering up.
There are no more lies, no more hiding. There is nothing to cover up because I'm living a life that I don't need to tuck away from. Not watching P has been the easy part of this whole process, at least this time. The difficulty lies in repairing the damage I've done to myself and my family.
Even after over a month of not consuming, I still have flashes of P and different fantasy pop into my head. It's fleeting and I can push past without issue, but it brings on this clarity of the damage I've done, all over again.
I want my wife to look at me with love in her eyes not pain and fear of the unknown. I want the relationship to be built on trust and understanding and love, not familiarity, not just because we've been together for so long, we just don't know anything else. I feel like that's what she's holding on to. Security. I took her Security when I betrayed her, but never will again. I just hope that I can prove that to her before it's too late.
I've been porn free for 36 days now, and I'm really proud of that and know that I'm on the right path. Facing these problems is just part of the process. I'd rather face them now with my best friend, than when it's too late and by myself. This isn't a journey that can be done alone. Whether you have a partner, or some sort of accountability partner or just talking in this forum, use the resources available to you to beat this and become the best version of ourselves for ourselves
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@Onmyway19 PMO is more than just P. It is distraction and disturbance from real living.

To reboot and return to norm, one needs to
1. Refuse P
2. Replace P time and P habit with other healthier hobbies or habits
3. Restore relationships and resilience to real world challenges
4. Resurrect our role as a real man. Strong, dignified and courageous.

One way that helped me alot is to see P and all it's affiliates as the ENEMY.
Their sole purpose of existence is for their own benefit at the cost of our damage and detriment.
Once I started to see all of them as harmful, I quickly lose interest and move on.

May this help you on your journey.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
@Onmyway19 PMO is more than just P. It is distraction and disturbance from real living.

To reboot and return to norm, one needs to
1. Refuse P
2. Replace P time and P habit with other healthier hobbies or habits
3. Restore relationships and resilience to real world challenges
4. Resurrect our role as a real man. Strong, dignified and courageous.

One way that helped me alot is to see P and all it's affiliates as the ENEMY.
Their sole purpose of existence is for their own benefit at the cost of our damage and detriment.
Once I started to see all of them as harmful, I quickly lose interest and move on.

May this help you on your journey.
You're right about that! It's definitely more than the removal of P. To reboot successfully is an entire lifestyle change.
Creating new, positive habits and sticking with them is paramount to succeeding.
I've been reading through your journal and I feel like you've set a wonderful example for everyone here to follow to recovery.
The removal of P from my life is just the 1st step. I've been more present with my family, exercise, and noticed a huge productivity boost at work since not consuming. The fantasies and flashbacks still occupy my mind, but not to a point of obsession. I simply acknowledge that isnt what I really want, it's the P hanging on. Do some breathing exercises to center myself again and carry on with my day.
It's not easy repairing the damage I've done, but I've taken the easy route. It only leads to suffering for me and my family.
Nothing worth having comes easily, so it's time to take those difficult steps and make the difficult choices that lead to a full happy life.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Nearly 40 days without the anchor that has weighed my life down. The steps we take to recover are important. There is no easy path to this process. "Easy" put us all in the position we're in.
Embrace the path we're on, as it will make all of us stronger, better people. Feel those difficult days and moments, so when joy and success is there to touch, you really appreciate what you have worked for.
I know I'm far from where I need to be, but I also know I will get there, and continue beyond it. Not simply because I stopped watching porn. Because I'm making lifestyle changes. Not avoiding problems, but facing them head on. Pushing myself to the gym and exercise, even on days I really don't want to (NO MORE EASY!)
Being present and involved with my wife and children, always. I lost a lot of family time to this, and I'll never take them for granted again.
Thanks to all who have shared their stories, hardships and successes. None of you are doing this alone. I really don't think anybody could. I'm grateful for my wife, my best friend, in walking this path with me, but I'm certain without this forum and the knowledge I've gained from it, I wouldn't have the tools necessary to get where I've gotten. Thanks to all of you.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
You're doing a great job onmyway19! You are absolutely right, quitting porn is really a lifestyle change. It demands filling your life with real life! Keep it up, 40 days is such a great achievement!
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I've been doing a lot more reading here then writing. Really just trying to take in advice and learn the best ways to combat this awful addiction. I never saw myself as an addict, though all the signs were there. I've watched family members struggle my entire life with addiction, but felt like I was doing fine. Have a wonderful family, home and overall a great life that I worked very hard to get. I fooled myself into indulging, by rationalizing that I work hard, I take care of my responsibilities, I deserve a treat. I deserve to indulge. Which I do, but not that way. Not in a way that hurts, me, my family and even risks my career. Getting "caught" was one of the hardest, most beneficial things to happen to me. The hiding, lying, deceptive bullshit is over. It's so very freeing to not have to cover my tracks, delete, and worry every time my wife uses my phone.
Taking what I've learned from here about doing this for yourself, building habits to make yourself better, and not being so hard on ourselves, has made this journey so much easier.
I've seen lots of posts about loneliness being a trigger. It's definitely one of mine. Isolation can be just as dangerous as any drug. Use your resources and don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help or guidance. We've all been in dark lonely places and there's no reason we can't lean on each other, and guide each other to that bright happy place where P is a distant memory. Hope everyone has a great day.
 
Have a wonderful family, home and overall a great life that I worked very hard to get. I fooled myself into indulging, by rationalizing that I work hard, I take care of my responsibilities, I deserve a treat. I deserve to indulge. Which I do, but not that way. Not in a way that hurts, me, my family and even risks my career. Getting "caught" was one of the hardest, most beneficial things to happen to me. The hiding, lying, deceptive bullshit is over. It's so very freeing to not have to cover my tracks, delete, and worry every time my wife uses my phone.
I read about your journey - very inspirational. Great progress

Definitely agree about the above. I think that's one of the things that make porn so insidious
It's so easy to keep hidden but at the same time it has a terrible impact on those we love most
Great perspective on getting caught too. Please keep updating your journal so we can follow your progress! 💪
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I read about your journey - very inspirational. Great progress

Definitely agree about the above. I think that's one of the things that make porn so insidious
It's so easy to keep hidden but at the same time it has a terrible impact on those we love most
Great perspective on getting caught too. Please keep updating your journal so we can follow your progress! 💪
Thanks particularly_respecting. It's been an up and down journey. Some really tough days and realizations, have led to some real progress. Progress I only thought I had reached in the past. I really owe a lot of credit for that to reboot nation and the warriors here brave enough to share their stories.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Today marks 6 full weeks in my recovery. As proud as I am of this accomplishment, I know it's only the beginning. My life has definitely improved in that time frame, though we can always strive for more.

A few side effects still linger from the decades of mental abuse I put myself through by consuming P. I still have fleeting P memories and sometimes catch myself fantasizing. The farther i go in my reboot, the less these flashbacks happen. My instinct to lie and cover is still there, though there is nothing to hide. That's one I've always hated about myself and am working on constantly. I'm generally a blunt and honest person, but shame has always been the motivating factor for me to lie. With no more shame there's no reason to deceive. Though I still feel shame for my behavior prior to rebooting, I understand that no amount of self pity or shame will change that. Accept it for what it is and try my best each day.

The benefits from rebooting have made dealing with those side effects so much easier. My mind is more clear and I can deal with adversity much easier, without becoming emotional or distraught. It's much easier to face things objectively now. I have 3 children, all pretty close in age, within 4 years of each other. So there is constant bickering and conflict resolution. I've found that my temperament in dealing with this has drastically changed. I don't yell or get angry like I used to. I'm really proud of that, and it has changed my relationship with my children. My only regret is it took this long to realize.

My PIED issues have all but disappeared. That being the main symptom for me, what led me here. As happy as I am that is not an issue, it's not the best thing to come out of this so far. Just having a life, or secret that I don't have to hide anymore is the biggest weight off of me. It's allowed me to truly live and be present with the people in my life. I think PIED or some sort of sexual dysfunction is what started most of us on this journey, but there are much greater benefits than just being able to get your dick hard again. Being P free has allowed me to really see the importance in filling my life with REAL LIFE. (Thanks blondie 👍)

I can't stress enough how important it is to have support during reboot. Really, life in general. We're all vulnerable, fallible humans. We make mistakes. Having people that care and have your back, makes it so much easier to learn and grow from those. I'm very fortunate to have a wife who is my absolute best friend. Not everyone here does. That's why it's important to reach out here. Tell your story. Read about others battles. Learn from each other and grow together. If you feel you don't have support, I promise you do here. If you don't want to write in the forum, message me. I'll be happy to talk. Have a great day everyone!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I was exposed to porn at a pretty young age. It became my go to stress relief for almost any situation. An escape where I had control, or so I thought. It really took hold of me once the internet was available to me at the tip of my fingers. Before I knew it I was PMO multiple times a day. Different genres escalated into a pretty dark place, even to the point I wasn't sure of my sexuality. This led me the lowest point in my life by far. I sought out pleasure from people outside of my marriage. I started on kik message groups, meeting guys and sharing pictures and videos. This led to my 1st experience with PIED, though i didn't tie it all together. Though I never physically touched anyone else, the intent was there, the betrayal was there and I crossed a line I swore I never would. It was more than just porn. Even then, I kept trying to justify my behavior. Until I was caught. She found the kik app on my phone when we were on vacation, with my family and another family that we're friends with. Though I deleted everything and she didn't really know all that I did on there, I eventually told her everything. I ruined everything 😪 our vacation, her trust, and our entire marriage. It took weeks of apologies, and starting to see a therapist for things I had been battling most of my life. She slowly came back to me. It wasn't easy and I'm now glad it happened, because it was the only way I would have stopped, no matter how badly I wanted to. I stopped pmo for roughly 9- 10 months. Things were a good as they'd ever been. Then I slipped. Using psubs. That trickle opened a flood gate. Within weeks back to pmo daily. Sometimes 3 or 4 times. Deeper and darker stuff each time. When she found out again it was basically all bi. or homosexual. Not denying my attraction to men, but I promised my heart and soul to her, twice now. I intend to stick to my word. She was obviously devastated. I did exactly what I promised her I wouldn't, and worked so hard for a long time not to. I know now the approach I took last time won't work.
That happened 20 days ago. Since then I have stopped consuming P or any Psubs. It's a decision I make every minute of every day to not fall back into that trap. The harder part has been healing the disconnect I've created, not only with her but my entire family. I feel like it really effected my relationship with my son as well, even possibly contributing to some of his mental health and drug issues. We are working on our bond, but I feel like the trust is no longer there, though I'm not sure he knows anything about what I've been through, or my wife. It seems like the timing coincides with everything.
None of this can be fixed overnight. It will take a lot of emotional strength and letting go of things I've struggled with for a long time. Finding this group has made a huge difference. It's where I come to, instead of giving into my addiction. I've learned a lot already and hopefully my story gives hope to others, like I've found here. Though early in my journey, I have more hope for success than I've ever had, and also have the tools required for that success.
I'm grateful for this group, and the opportunity to prove to my family how much better I can be without P.
Your situation sounds very much like many of ours. Good luck with your journey. It isn't any easy one for sure. Hope you find some comfort here. This forum has helped me through my ups and downs. Hope it does the same for you.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Your situation sounds very much like many of ours. Good luck with your journey. It isn't any easy one for sure. Hope you find some comfort here. This forum has helped me through my ups and downs. Hope it does the same for you.
This forum has been a literal life saver. I'm so glad to have found it and hope to give back as much as, or more than I've taken.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I've seen a lot of milestones reached this past week on here, my own 6 weeks included. So congrats to all who have set goals and reached them through determination. Be proud of what you've accomplished, but remain dillgigent in your efforts.

I've also seen many relapses, some after long periods, some after only just beginning. Discouraging as they might be. The progress is still there. Most of us have Consumed P for the majority of our lives. I just turned 40 and came to the realization that I used for over 3 decades. My point is, these are new behaviors for us. When relapse happens that is not a failure. Failure would be not coming here to hold yourself accountable. Failure would be falling right back into the same habits that make us depressed and lonely. So, congrats to those of you that faltered and held yourselves to a new standard and continue to battle each day.

I'm looking at each day as building a foundation for the rest of my life. I haven't relapsed and have no intention of it. But I have had moments of temptation. Times when my brain has tried playing tricks. Just yesterday, my wife left to pick up my son. It was really the 1st time I've been home alone since I've started this. Before I would have immediately ran upstairs and locked my door and pmo until the last minute I knew I could. That old me is still there, but slowly deteriorating away. I did think about not using P and just MO. Then I took a breath, and thought. How can I spend that time more honorably. I did go to the garage and indulge in a bong load. Then I turned on some music, and started doing some dishes. Seems like a small courtesy, considering they're my dishes also. But seeing her smile when she saw me doing that when she got home was better than any feeling P ever gave me. That's another brick in my foundation. Each small victory leads to a stronger foundation that someday will be a towering monument to a life well lived. I will get there. WE will all get there together.
 
Top