Lifetime of porn use, but ready for the best part of my life to begin

Onmyway19

Active Member
I had a pretty profound experience yesterday. One that most of us may never get to experience. A very symbolic moment that I thought would bring me more joy than it did.

My dad is battling dementia and really isn't much longer for this earth. He still functions but is clueless 90% of the time. This is on top of hoarding and really living in unsafe conditions. We're in the process of de hoarding and moving him into my brother's home along with my mother.

In this process, I came across THE collection of P that started my consumption. A chest of vhs tapes and magazines. A time capsule of filth. It wasn't triggering at all. There was no desire to go through it and find the "faves". I couldn't rid the world of that shit fast enough. 4 contractor trash bags. Plastic and paper that changed the course of multiple peoples lives. Pictures of strangers, that made such a profound effect on me and my brothers, really my entire family and theirs.

All because one man had an illness, that he never took on. He never faced his problems. He'll now never have the chance to. Really just a sick sad old man that traded his family for his things. Though we never left him and are still here, he was never present, even before the dementia.

I'll never be that. Ill never subject my children, or put them in a position to do those things. Throwing out his collection, though extremely therapeutic for my own reasons, was just a sad realization of the path I was headed down.

I was no better for a large part of my life. I'm grateful for the opportunity to right my wrongs. I'm grateful that I can build the relationship that I never had with my Dad, with my children. I don't want them to remember me the way I see my father.

I want to build a life that my children and their families know they're always welcome and wanted. Loved unconditionally, and will always have a safe place.

I know this was a bit all over the place, but it felt great to write it down and let it out.

Keep fighting, friends
 

Jlied

Active Member
Man, awesome post. My dad had dimentia early (mid 50’s) and passed at age 59 from it. Its like taking care of an adult toddler. Is heartbreaking to see an adult revert back to that but at the same time my dads was most likely a result of his alcohol addiction or the fact that he did fiberglass boat repair and painting and never wore a respirator. He brought those issues on and we had to deal with it for 7 years. My dad wasn’t present in our lives either even though my mom never left him. I’m sorry you have to go through this but I am happy to hear about the therapy you’ve been able to take away from all of this. I especially love how you intend on being the father for your kids that you were never able to have as a child yourself.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Thank you Jlied. My dad is 74, but has always kind of acted like a toddler, so its honestly not that much different🙄. Its hardest on my mom. I honestly don't know how she's still with him after all he's put her through.

Doctors told him long ago to stop drinking or this would happen. He literally told them they're wrong and he'll do what he wants. Thats him in a nutshell.

So we do our best with the cards we're dealt. Cleaning up the messes he left untouched through out his life. That's his legacy. Thats how his children will remember him forever. Its unfortunate. But my brothers and I have all learned from the mistake he made of his life, and none of us want our children to remember us, like we do him.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Things have been difficult lately. Not P related, just life in general. It's a lot, dealing with my father's decline in health, work stress, holiday stress, Life is testing me lately for sure. Though I've had no urges to look at porn, I've had a lot of fantasies and just sexual thoughts in general. More so than usual.

Sex with the wife has been frequent and no pied issues to speak of for some time now. Yet I still find myself fantasizing and having quite lewd thoughts and memories. Are my life stresses cracking open those neural pathways again ?
I have "taken care of myself" a little more frequently than I had been recently. I don't really feel guilty per se, but know how easy it is to slip back to chasing that dopamine.

I have been more sedentary since winter has struck here, and I attribute some of the fantasies to just that. Not filling my time usefully. Not that I'm lazy, some days are just exhausting.

I'm still committed to a porn free life, I dont think anything will ever change that again. I just wish I hadn't put so much in my head it takes another lifetime to get it all out.😔
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@Onmyway19 I'm sorry to hear of your challenges. I wish the best for you.

The reason the mind going to fantasies is both habitual and compulsive. It is the easiest, though thoroughly unhelpful because it directs us to escapism.

The simple solution as addressed by Dr. Trish Leigh is
1. Say a firm NO! to halt the thoughts immediately (immensely effective!)
2. Redirect to positive and uplifting thoughts that can encourage us to beneficial action.

It is very important to retrain the brain to no longer direct to useless escapism thoughts.
 
@Onmyway19 I'm sorry to hear of your challenges. I wish the best for you.

The reason the mind going to fantasies is both habitual and compulsive. It is the easiest, though thoroughly unhelpful because it directs us to escapism.

The simple solution as addressed by Dr. Trish Leigh is
1. Say a firm NO! to halt the thoughts immediately (immensely effective!)
2. Redirect to positive and uplifting thoughts that can encourage us to beneficial action.

It is very important to retrain the brain to no longer direct to useless escapism thoughts.
In of the recent videos you posted, Dr. Leigh referred to it as "pushing the easy button". NOT pushing that button is serving as a good reference for me now.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Happy New Year RN friends! Its been a while and just wanted to touch base.

Honestly, life has been throwing some shit piles at me pretty consistently. Lol.
Work has been crazy busy, wife is back to work full time, stess from my parents move and Dad's declining health, not to mention the seasonal depression that hits around this time every year.

In the past, I would be coping with these issues in a way we're all to familiar with.
I am no longer that person. I'm just over 1 month away from my 1st full porn free year in over 3 decades. 75% of my life.

Its a great feeling. Lots of ups and downs throughout that year, but one thing never changed. I faced my problems. I was accountable and responsible for everything I did. Right and wrong.

I have become a bit complacent in my reboot. No P or P subs, but not usefully filling my time either. Definitely catching myself scrolling more and being unproductive. I could blame the winter months and all of life's stresses. But I want to become a man that faces difficulties without it effecting my mood and how I treat others. A man with resolve, that can weather any storm, unflinching. Not emotionless, but composed to a point where my anger and frustration doesn't show in my face or come out in my words. But, conveyed in a constructive manner to resolve, instead of blame. Even when speaking to myself. We're often our toughest critics. Ive been harder on myself these last couple years than I ever have. Deservedly so, it was needed to get where I am. I also need to remember what I've accomplished, from where I was a few years ago. I'm a completely different person. Different husband. Different father. Different brother, friend and Son. Different MAN.

I finally feel " grown up". I've faced shit i never thought I would and opened up about traumatic events that I buried for most of my life. Never realized the importance of letting go, until I did it.

Even with all of this year's trials, I'm as good as I've ever been and see nothing but growth in my future.

Thank you RN for being here when I needed it most.

Keep fighting, friends
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
A year ago today I started this journey. Frankly it was much longer than that, but it's only really been the last year that I found traction and success in this battle.
An entire year without searching for naked strangers online. 365 days without wasting a single second, searching for something I'd never find.

Its a pretty great feeling. Not gonna lie. I'm pretty fucking proud of it. Not exactly the not watching P or using p substitutes. That's something that just comes pretty naturally anymore. It's learning to cope with problems in life I'm most proud of. They never stop coming. Ever.

I've taken charge of my life, my relationships, and my career. Finding the reasons I ran from my issues was important but not as important as just finally being sick of my own bullshit and excuses. It took, taking a long hard look at myself and what I wanted from life. Removing the things that would prevent that, and embracing the practices that would propel me towards my goals.

RN was exactly what I needed. Accountability, guidance, friendship, and perspective from experience of others. Nobody can do this alone. I may not be as active as I once was, but I'll forever be grateful for all the support I received, and will continue to give support where I can.

Feels a bit unreal. A whole fucking year. Never thought it was a possibility 365 days ago, now the thought of ever using again seems laughable.😅🤣🤣.

Keep fighting, friends
 

Blondie

Respected Member
@Onmyway19, I'm so happy for you brother. You should be fucking proud of yourself, that's a hell of an accomplishment. And you're right, quitting porn is one thing, but learning how to deal with real life, is the biggest factor in all of this.

Cheers my friend! :)
 

GBS

Respected Member
This is amazing. I truly forgot you were this far down the line. One year.

You inspire. I just love it when people say …..no more effing porn, or……I’m not touching that effing stuff ever again. It does need to be treated like that. It always firms my resolve when I hear others venting their spleen. So thanks so much. Keep going. Never ever stop and never go back.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
This is amazing. I truly forgot you were this far down the line. One year.

You inspire. I just love it when people say …..no more effing porn, or……I’m not touching that effing stuff ever again. It does need to be treated like that. It always firms my resolve when I hear others venting their spleen. So thanks so much. Keep going. Never ever stop and never go back.
Probably because I rarely put my 2 cents in anymore. Lol.

You also inspire my friend. Though I don't say much on here anymore. I do read quite a lot. Your journey and the way you tell it is quite inspiring, and all of RN is better for you sharing with us.

Keep fighting,
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
@Onmyway19, I'm so happy for you brother. You should be fucking proud of yourself, that's a hell of an accomplishment. And you're right, quitting porn is one thing, but learning how to deal with real life, is the biggest factor in all of this.

Cheers my friend! :)
Appreciate all your support and you sharing your journey with us all. Stories like yours, and I suppose mine, give people hope that they can achieve what they've come here for.

Keep inspiring, friend
 
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