Lifetime of porn use, but ready for the best part of my life to begin
- Thread starter Onmyway19
- Start date
SmokenMirrors
Well-Known Member
Great stuff!
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Really like this idea
I guess it's hard to quit because every time we looked at porn we were also reinforcing the pathways for the next time, and the time after that, etc.
But instead if we make the right choices now, it will pay dividends over the rest of our lives
Think all the hours and days ahead of us that we stand to gain by changing our behavior today
SmokenMirrors
Well-Known Member
Spot on! Suffer now and live the rest of your life in happiness!
Onmyway19
Active Member
I'm now pushing 2 months without P. Nearly 2 months that have led to a better me. Husband, father, son,brother, coach. I have many titles and many people rely on me to make the right choices. It's not something I've always done, and my addiction to P has had an effect on every one of my roles as a person.
I'm enjoying my life in all these roles and becoming better at each, with each passing day without P. Without that constant nagging distraction, I can focus more energy and get more back from each role. I can truly put all of myself into each one and become the best version of each role.
P still nags at me and pulls those strings. It's still fighting for space in my head. The more we fill it with useful experiences and knowledge, the less space it has to occupy. I'm far from being "cured". I really don't think there is that finish line, that we all want to cross. But I'm definitely in a better place than I was almost 2 months ago. And in 2 more months I intend to be in an even better place than now. Focus on constantly improving. There's setbacks in life, and I'm certain at some point I'll stumble, but I'll never be back where I was and I won't stay where I fall.
Keep fighting friends.
I'm enjoying my life in all these roles and becoming better at each, with each passing day without P. Without that constant nagging distraction, I can focus more energy and get more back from each role. I can truly put all of myself into each one and become the best version of each role.
P still nags at me and pulls those strings. It's still fighting for space in my head. The more we fill it with useful experiences and knowledge, the less space it has to occupy. I'm far from being "cured". I really don't think there is that finish line, that we all want to cross. But I'm definitely in a better place than I was almost 2 months ago. And in 2 more months I intend to be in an even better place than now. Focus on constantly improving. There's setbacks in life, and I'm certain at some point I'll stumble, but I'll never be back where I was and I won't stay where I fall.
Keep fighting friends.
Well said, Onmyway!
Started to follow your journal, and am excited for good things ahead!
Started to follow your journal, and am excited for good things ahead!
Onmyway19
Active Member
I try to be as positive as I can. I've had enough negative, self defeating thoughts to last a life time. Sometimes they still creep back in. I've been doubtful of my self lately and I'm really not sure why. Well, those negative thoughts manifested into a bout with ED last night. It was extremely frustrating, as I've not had any issues, since the very beginning of my reboot. I know I'm making progress, taking the right steps to not only abstain from, but replace the bad habits that have plagued me before.
So why do I still doubt myself? Why do I put so much pressure to succeed?Knowing where I've been and what I've been through in my life, I should take more pride in my accomplishments and not dwell on my failures. It's much easier for my brain to focus on the negative and disregard the progress and accomplishments I have throughout, not only my reboot, but my entire life. Though I've made many mistakes, there is far more to be proud of than ashamed of.
I really think the ED was more about anxiety than anything else. I know every thing works just fine, and I know without a doubt that I'm on the right path.. but disappointing my best friend..again. That can really send a person into a tail spin. She really didn't seem too upset about it, but it was pretty upsetting to me. Especially after seeing the difference that not consuming P has made in my life. Not only in bed, but throughout every aspect.
I know it's just a small bump in the road and a couple weeks from now I probably won't even remember it. But today it's really bothersome. I know it's just part of the healing process. It's a sign of change and improvement, I just hate not having control of my body. I thought I was past this. It just shows the depth of this addiction and how hard it's willing to fight for space in your head.
I'm very fortunate to have such an understanding and empathetic wife. She sees my struggle for what it is and never holds my past behavior over my head. She knows that I'm giving this my best effort and is confident, as am I, that we can move past this. It hurts me that I've let her down so many times and when I can't perform it's just another reminder of that. When it's that fresh it's difficult to not focus on the negatives.
I plan on taking a few days of not trying for sex. Put it on the back burner and just be a good partner. Focus on her non physical needs, and mine. There is so much more to life than sex, and I need to make it a point of clarity, mostly to myself, that there are many ways to feel good about ourselves that don't involve physical needs or wants. I've prioritized sex and physical needs for too long. It's time to move past that, understand it's importance, but not make it priority over emotional needs.
I appreciate all the support from everyone here. It's really made this journey much less daunting. Keep fighting friends.
So why do I still doubt myself? Why do I put so much pressure to succeed?Knowing where I've been and what I've been through in my life, I should take more pride in my accomplishments and not dwell on my failures. It's much easier for my brain to focus on the negative and disregard the progress and accomplishments I have throughout, not only my reboot, but my entire life. Though I've made many mistakes, there is far more to be proud of than ashamed of.
I really think the ED was more about anxiety than anything else. I know every thing works just fine, and I know without a doubt that I'm on the right path.. but disappointing my best friend..again. That can really send a person into a tail spin. She really didn't seem too upset about it, but it was pretty upsetting to me. Especially after seeing the difference that not consuming P has made in my life. Not only in bed, but throughout every aspect.
I know it's just a small bump in the road and a couple weeks from now I probably won't even remember it. But today it's really bothersome. I know it's just part of the healing process. It's a sign of change and improvement, I just hate not having control of my body. I thought I was past this. It just shows the depth of this addiction and how hard it's willing to fight for space in your head.
I'm very fortunate to have such an understanding and empathetic wife. She sees my struggle for what it is and never holds my past behavior over my head. She knows that I'm giving this my best effort and is confident, as am I, that we can move past this. It hurts me that I've let her down so many times and when I can't perform it's just another reminder of that. When it's that fresh it's difficult to not focus on the negatives.
I plan on taking a few days of not trying for sex. Put it on the back burner and just be a good partner. Focus on her non physical needs, and mine. There is so much more to life than sex, and I need to make it a point of clarity, mostly to myself, that there are many ways to feel good about ourselves that don't involve physical needs or wants. I've prioritized sex and physical needs for too long. It's time to move past that, understand it's importance, but not make it priority over emotional needs.
I appreciate all the support from everyone here. It's really made this journey much less daunting. Keep fighting friends.
Sorry for your experience, Onmyway! Don't be too hard on yourself about this! Just let healing have its place.
Though I've not had to deal with PIED (as far as I know), I do know what it is to occasionally deal with performance anxiety, and to be too much in my own head that I 'go limp' or fail to maintain for my wife. It is frustrating, and it makes me paranoid that my wife will suspect I've been looking at stuff as a reason for my non-erection. I always blame it on prostrate issues, or alcohol, or older age, lol...! This is particularly scary if I'm actually struggling with something.
Be patient with yourself, as you'll be back at it in no time- as you're doing the right things.
Though I've not had to deal with PIED (as far as I know), I do know what it is to occasionally deal with performance anxiety, and to be too much in my own head that I 'go limp' or fail to maintain for my wife. It is frustrating, and it makes me paranoid that my wife will suspect I've been looking at stuff as a reason for my non-erection. I always blame it on prostrate issues, or alcohol, or older age, lol...! This is particularly scary if I'm actually struggling with something.
Be patient with yourself, as you'll be back at it in no time- as you're doing the right things.
Onmyway19
Active Member
I appreciate the support. Feeling much better after a couple of down days.
Onmyway19
Active Member
I've definitely not been myself the last couple of days, after an experience with ED. It's a tough pill to swallow, but dwelling there does no good. I have too much to be grateful for.
I really feel like my brain recognized that I was getting complacent. Fantasizing and having P flashbacks. So it said no more. I'm grateful that it happened actually. It forced me to re focus my energy where it needs to be.
I'm feeling much better today. Talking to my wife about my situation always helps and we had a good conversation about my reboot last night. She's always been the one person I can count on, and I'll always regret the the ways I've betrayed her. I definitely wouldn't be where I'm at without her. We are healing and getting closer with each passing day.
It's been 55 days since I've watched porn and this a life changing journey, with a lot of emotions. Still learning how to deal with some of them, but I know that I'm becoming the man I've always strived to be.
Keep fighting friends
I really feel like my brain recognized that I was getting complacent. Fantasizing and having P flashbacks. So it said no more. I'm grateful that it happened actually. It forced me to re focus my energy where it needs to be.
I'm feeling much better today. Talking to my wife about my situation always helps and we had a good conversation about my reboot last night. She's always been the one person I can count on, and I'll always regret the the ways I've betrayed her. I definitely wouldn't be where I'm at without her. We are healing and getting closer with each passing day.
It's been 55 days since I've watched porn and this a life changing journey, with a lot of emotions. Still learning how to deal with some of them, but I know that I'm becoming the man I've always strived to be.
Keep fighting friends
Awesome, Onmyway! You are a lucky and blessed man to have such an understanding woman in your life. Wishing you all the best.
SmokenMirrors
Well-Known Member
Great stuff! Keep pressing on, king
zonecrew45
Member
I'm following your journey now, wish you all the very best.
There are very striking similarities between us, the use of the Kik app, meeting others outside of marriage
and confusion over sexuality. My brain feels that it's so messed up that I don't know if I am a hetero with a fetish for same sex, or the opposite 
Really happy that your wife has been so understanding, there's no hope for my relationship, porn has destroyed it from the inside out.
Anyway, good luck
There are very striking similarities between us, the use of the Kik app, meeting others outside of marriage
and confusion over sexuality. My brain feels that it's so messed up that I don't know if I am a hetero with a fetish for same sex, or the opposite Really happy that your wife has been so understanding, there's no hope for my relationship, porn has destroyed it from the inside out.
Anyway, good luck
particularly_respecting
Active Member
I like it! Keep fighting brother - I'm rooting for you!
Onmyway19
Active Member
P is so very destructiveI'm following your journey now, wish you all the very best.
There are very striking similarities between us, the use of the Kik app, meeting others outside of marriage
Really happy that your wife has been so understanding, there's no hope for my relationship, porn has destroyed it from the inside out.
Anyway, good luck
often leading people to situations and places they never would have gone without it. I've never been able to find my own sexuality without the influence of porn. I will say that my same sex attractions have subsided greatly without the influence of P. So sorry about your relationship. I know nothing I say will lessen that blow. Do this for yourself. To be the best version of you moving forward. Use the resources here and information from others. It's been the major difference for me, from my previous attempts at quitting.
Appreciate your support and I wish you the very best. Keep fighting
Onmyway19
Active Member
Facing the consequences of your actions is never easy. Guilt and shame are closely tied to P use. Often, when we feel those feelings we revert, relapse, or continue harmful behaviors we've had in place to cope.
I had a hard couple of days over last week and part of my weekend. Self inflicted by my past actions. My wife still carries a lot of hurt, resentment and questions. I've led her to doubt herself, me and whether I truly want to be with her. I absolutely do, and am more sure of that than I've ever been. But who wouldn't have concerns, when you've caught your husband watching gay/trans porn. Who wouldn't question, when you know your husband has sent and received pictures and videos from strangers. How could she believe me when I've shown time after time that I'm not trustworthy. 22 years of lies, sneaking, covering & just overall betrayal. It disgusts me, honestly. My stomach churns when I think back to my actions. Dwelling there does no good, but I'll never lose that self hatred over my actions.
My last chance to prove myself and true intentions to her is now. I've learned so much since coming here. I'm very proud of how far I've come these last 2 months. I know I've made progress and gained many tools, that I've never had before.
It's still scary to think that one slip could change everything. One moment of weakness and I could lose all I've gained in my life. It wouldn't be just one though, it's the countless times from the past, that have put me in this do or die situation.
Maybe that's what's made this time "easier". Knowing the edge of the cliff is right in front of me. I've since come to terms with the trauma from my childhood, the triggers that would often send me into binges, and my selfish attitude towards sex. I know I'm walking the right path, and always plan to keep this battle at the forefront. But I also know myself, and though I'm more confident than ever that I can beat this, it still scary to think that I've had plenty of chances already and haven't.
The only way for me , I think, is to just take each day as it comes and focus on making the right choices, moment by moment. I can't take away the awful things I've done to hurt my wife. I can't prove to her my intentions from here on out. All I can do is wake up each day and try to prove to her that she really is the love of my life and best friend. Prove that I'm doing everything I can to be the best version of me, that I can be for her. Enjoy each moment that we have together and cherish each touch.
We're doing much better after some long hard conversations. She's always been my rock, and knows my life wasn't easy before her. She understands addiction and how it can change people into something they're not. But she's also a human, who was betrayed and carries that everywhere. It's really hard facing the damage I've done over the years, but a necessary part of healing. For both of us. I'll take these hard days with my best friend over any easy day without her.
Keep fighting friends
I had a hard couple of days over last week and part of my weekend. Self inflicted by my past actions. My wife still carries a lot of hurt, resentment and questions. I've led her to doubt herself, me and whether I truly want to be with her
. I absolutely do, and am more sure of that than I've ever been. But who wouldn't have concerns, when you've caught your husband watching gay/trans porn. Who wouldn't question, when you know your husband has sent and received pictures and videos from strangers. How could she believe me when I've shown time after time that I'm not trustworthy. 22 years of lies, sneaking, covering & just overall betrayal. It disgusts me, honestly. My stomach churns when I think back to my actions. Dwelling there does no good, but I'll never lose that self hatred over my actions.My last chance to prove myself and true intentions to her is now. I've learned so much since coming here. I'm very proud of how far I've come these last 2 months. I know I've made progress and gained many tools, that I've never had before.
It's still scary to think that one slip could change everything. One moment of weakness and I could lose all I've gained in my life. It wouldn't be just one though, it's the countless times from the past, that have put me in this do or die situation.
Maybe that's what's made this time "easier". Knowing the edge of the cliff is right in front of me. I've since come to terms with the trauma from my childhood, the triggers that would often send me into binges, and my selfish attitude towards sex. I know I'm walking the right path, and always plan to keep this battle at the forefront. But I also know myself, and though I'm more confident than ever that I can beat this, it still scary to think that I've had plenty of chances already and haven't.
The only way for me , I think, is to just take each day as it comes and focus on making the right choices, moment by moment. I can't take away the awful things I've done to hurt my wife. I can't prove to her my intentions from here on out. All I can do is wake up each day and try to prove to her that she really is the love of my life and best friend. Prove that I'm doing everything I can to be the best version of me, that I can be for her. Enjoy each moment that we have together and cherish each touch.
We're doing much better after some long hard conversations. She's always been my rock, and knows my life wasn't easy before her. She understands addiction and how it can change people into something they're not. But she's also a human, who was betrayed and carries that everywhere. It's really hard facing the damage I've done over the years, but a necessary part of healing. For both of us. I'll take these hard days with my best friend over any easy day without her.
Keep fighting friends
particularly_respecting
Active Member
I admire your openness and honesty @Onmyway19
Seems you are doing a great job of turning the negative emotions from the past into the fuel to change your behavior
I'm sure things will improve with your wife when you show her how committed you are to change through your actions
And maybe eventually your relationship will be even stronger for having overcome it
Sending you some support!
Seems you are doing a great job of turning the negative emotions from the past into the fuel to change your behavior
I'm sure things will improve with your wife when you show her how committed you are to change through your actions
And maybe eventually your relationship will be even stronger for having overcome it
Sending you some support!
I've known this place in varying degrees, one too many, brother! I'm rooting for you, and know that your best days are ahead for both of you. I think after a period of consistency and behavior change, she will begin to trust you again. I know it takes time to heal.
Wishing you strength in the meanwhile.
Wishing you strength in the meanwhile.
Onmyway19
Active Member
We're getting there. Appreciate the support. Thank youI admire your openness and honesty @Onmyway19
Seems you are doing a great job of turning the negative emotions from the past into the fuel to change your behavior
I'm sure things will improve with your wife when you show her how committed you are to change through your actions
And maybe eventually your relationship will be even stronger for having overcome it
Sending you some support!
Onmyway19
Active Member
It definitely doesn't happen overnight. But it will happen. Thanks for the encouragement.