Hope everyone had a great P free weekend. It's been a bit since I've journalled so I thought I'd jot a few things down.
Over 5 months now without P. That's probably the longest I've gone in my life, and it's definitely the most "pure". Previous attempts found me searching for other sources of dopamine to replace what I was missing. I would use pretty much any type of sexual material or fantasize to get that motivation to O. This time it's been complete abstinence of sexually explicit material, p subs, fantasy of P scenarios. At least not seeking those out, sometimes you come across things in media, social media or even your head. The key has been being very dilligent in what I consume, and recognizing when I do start to be complacent about it.
Abstinence hasn't been my only source for recovery, of course. It takes many layers, and finding something productive to do with that extra time from not seeking P dopamine, is as important as abstinence.
I've gotten projects done that I've put off for months. My cars are as well maintained as they've ever been. Lol. I bought my 1st motorcycle and have been learning to ride and maintain it. I spend way more time with my children. Quality time, teaching them skills and learning what their goals and interests are. Actually being a father. That kind of hurts to write. But it's true. I put a lot on the back burner when I was using. Never again.
My own father is nearing the end of his time on earth. We haven't had an amicable relationship for some time. It's probably my biggest source of stress in my life right now. I love him, he taught me many things in life. At one time he was probably the smartest person i knew. He'd answer every question on jeopardy, every night. Graduated with honors from college and dedicated himself to teaching troubled youth as a career. A lot to admire there. Where he fell short was the emotional side of life. He is a textbook narcissist. Could not control his emotions.
Never accepts fault in anything he does wrong. Knowing what I know now about P and what it does to you, I do have some empathy for him, brought on from my own experiences. He's an addict. Through and through. Multifaceted; alcohol, weed, P, hoarding. I know it's not all his fault. I know a lot of it are his own struggles with unaddressed issues, but as far as I can tell from where I'm sitting, he doesn’t think he has any problems. He's lived that way his entire life and has always done whatever he's wanted. Damn the consequences to anyone around him.
My exposure to P started far too early. He had a collection of reading materials and vhs tapes. Fairly common in that time period, or so I thought. I was the youngest of 4 boys until I was 11 then my parents had another boy. My older brothers started getting into his "collection" they would show me what they took and even sometimes watch them when my parents weren't around. This wasn't your normal P collection though. There were some very bazaar and out there genres, especially for the time period. Crossdressing and trans, gang bang, even home films of my parents! CRINGE! As an adult, finding that would be shocking. As a child, it led me to believe these were normal things
. It made me believe that everyone behaved this way. This was the beginning of my journey into P. Though he didn't put it in my hands, he did absolutely nothing to prevent it. Any time I was caught with stuff from his "collection" he was more upset about me touching his stuff, than where it would lead for me. This told me, what I was doing was fine, as long as I didn't take his things.
There was never any discussion between us about the dangers of P use. He probably thought there weren't any, it was also long before internet. Never any discussion on how to treat women, or even dating advice. His response, when he found out I wasn't a virgin anymore, "It's about fucking time!". I was 17. There was a lot of dysfunction around sex in my family growing up, and that made it very difficult to be open with partners of mine. Once I knew these things weren't normal it led me to be secretive about what I thought were my sexual tastes. I say that because with abstinence, has come a much healthier view of sex and my own sexuality.
So as I'm coming to terms with my father's mortality, it leaves me questioning whether or not I should address my issues with him. He has dementia and I'm not even sure if he would even remember any of it. Would it give me a sense of relief? Would it make the rift between us even wider? Would it give me a sense of peace, regardless if he remembers or takes to heart what I have to say? I've envisioned this conversation many times with him. I basically have a script of what I want to say. When I was seeing a therapist, she recommended I write him a letter. She said I can do whatever I want with it, keep it, give it to him, burn it,eat it. Just write it down. It was a scathing, tear filled 2 page letter, critical of everything he did wrong as a father. I kept that letter in a drawer for nearly 2 years. Then I burned it shortly after Christmas this year. I kind of wish I hadn't. I want to show him the pain I went through. All the silent suffering I've endured. I want him to know that in spite of him, I'm doing incredibly well. In spite of my struggles, I've succeeded with my wife by my side, have 3 wonderful children, have an honest, well paying career.
I'm not seeking sympathy, I actually feel like I have come to terms with a lot of my past. It's easy to say now, but I honestly feel like I'm at peace with never having my Dad around. I know it's cold. He's made no attempt in the last 10+ years, to get to know my wife and children. Doesn't call unless he needs something. He hasn't been any type of father figure to me for some time. It's sad, but his absence has taught me much more about him in the last 10-15 years, than the previous 25 ever did.
Thanks to all who got this far in this entry. It wasn't intended to take this route, but clearly it was needed to be let out.
Keep fighting, friends
