Lifetime of porn use, but ready for the best part of my life to begin

Onmyway19

Active Member
I can't believe I haven't posted in nearly 2 weeks.

Things are going well for me. Though there are still struggles I'm learning how to deal with them in healthy,beneficial ways.

I did have one of the hardest conversations of my life yesterday. Someone pretty close to me, is facing a difficult time. Problems closely tied to P addiction that are having some very negative results on his life. I think a majority of us know that feeling.

So I divulged my own struggles. Let Him know that no matter what happens I have his back and that there's a way out of this hole. It wasn't easy opening up like that but knew it was necessary to make him see he's not alone in this. That's what made the difference so far for me. Having support. Knowing there are others that face the same struggles.

I'm not ashamed anymore of my fight. It will be a battle I wage for probably the rest of my life. It's a lot easier to win a battle with allies. An enemy you see and put in front of you is much easier to defeat than one that's hidden. So let's put the enemy in the spotlight, and attack from all sides, together.

Be proud of our efforts and help where we can. Keep fighting, friends
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Hey Onmyway, good hearing from you again.

I love your honesty man, and how you're dealing with your reality - the life we've made for ourselves. Facing the consequences can be tough as hell, but we must bear it so as to move on to better days in our future.


Indeed.

Best brother.
Slowly figuring out, it's the only way to recovery and repair. I'll say, it's still much easier to bear than constantly covering my tracks and living, basically, a double life.

Thanks again Blondie
 

Ezel

Well-Known Member
Long time no see, where have you been man??
Anyway I'm glad you still on your way towards leaving porn and never forgetting your mission my friend @Onmyway19.
Nice work with speaking with your friend and letting him open up to you about his addiction to porn...
I can tell that you are a good man with a big heart, God bless you onmyway.
Keep posting it is always great to hear from you ☺️☺️.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Long time no see, where have you been man??
Anyway I'm glad you still on your way towards leaving porn and never forgetting your mission my friend @Onmyway19.
Nice work with speaking with your friend and letting him open up to you about his addiction to porn...
I can tell that you are a good man with a big heart, God bless you onmyway.
Keep posting it is always great to hear from you ☺️☺️.
Been living life my man! I check in here most days but don't always feel the need to write. Appreciate your support and your kind words.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Just over 4 months. To most people that wouldn't seem like that big of a deal. Not watching P or using some sort of pixelated or fantastical substitute, shouldn't be some huge accomplishment.
For someone who learned to use P as a coping mechanism, at a far too early age, it's a huge deal. Finally facing shit after 3+ decades of avoiding, tends to hit pretty fucking hard. Hard enough to wake me up. The REAL me.

I'm happy and proud that I'm finally pulling away from the things that have held up my growth as a person. It's still hard sometimes. I still struggle with being kind to myself. Some days I lust more than I know I should. Sometimes I procrastinate and don't get as much accomplished as I would have liked. But, now I feel all those emotions. I ride the wave of life, and take what it has to offer, instead of weighing myself down with a P boulder, always stuck in one spot, one feeling.

These are things I think I will always have to be dilligent about. Now I'm finally dealing in a healthy, beneficial way, my life is as good as it's ever been. My wife and I are healing. The pain will always be there, but I think she sees, this time is different. She sees that I truly am changing for the better. As sad as it is to say, I now feel closer with my children also. I hate that I ever let P have any influence on my parenting, but it effects EVERYTHING, and does not discriminate. I'm grateful for the chance to make things right though.

None of this would be possible without RN. Keep fighting, friends
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice job on four months Onmyway!

All the changes you're making and the truths you're boldly facing are inspiring to me.

Also, thanks for your encouraging words a few day ago on my post, it meant a lot.

Best.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I've not been as present here as I was earlier in my recovery. Mostly, because I'm staying off my phone and working on being present in my life. RN has been the catalyst for my most successful period of not using P. But it's lead to so much more than just abstinence.

I've learned so much from being here, reading others journals, researching the damage P does, to not just the user, but every facet of their lives. Truly seeing the damage I've done over the years of use, is very humbling. It's been the toughest part of all of this. Just facing the consequences of the hurt I've caused others.

Knowing now, how P had an effect on everything in my life, I'm finding it easier to forgive myself. I've struggled with that since even before finding RN. I have a high standard for myself, as all people should. So having this "secret " always made it so that i couldn't meet that standard I set for myself. I never felt like I was doing enough, because I really wasn't. It was all a smoke screen. Finally seeing what was holding me back, finally taking the necessary steps to be the man I knew was there all along, has put me as close to that standard as I've ever been.

There will always be room for growth, as well as setbacks. That's part of life. Learning to cope with both victory and defeat, in healthy ways is as important to recovery as not consuming. I know I'm far from recovered, and still don't consider my story, a success story. Even 4 + months into reboot, P still pulls at me, social media is still triggering sometimes, and I still fantasize occasionally. The difference is I recognize these triggers and mitigate them. Don't give them the chance to take hold.

I'm doing as well in my life as I ever have. Mentally, physically, financially, I'm pretty damn blessed comparatively. Without my wife backing me, I wouldn't be writing this. Guaranteed. Without finding RN, I wouldn't be writing this. Guaranteed. Honestly, I don't even want to consider where I'd be now, if I hadn't been caught. Truly one of the best things to ever happen to me. It forced me to look at my life and change the things that were holding me, and my family back. Thanks for all the support.

Keep fighting, friends
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Onmyway19, It's great to hear you're doing well man!

it was all a smoke screen. Finally seeing what was holding me back, finally taking the necessary steps to be the man I knew was there all along, has put me as close to that standard as I've ever been.
I love your honestly here and I totally agree with this.

Let us keep on being the men we truly are, and let us kill that part inside of us that is weak and holds us back.

Best brother.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I like the idea of putting the enemy in the spotlight.
The secrecy and the effort it takes to maintain that secrecy is draining and it's not authentic.
Riding the waves of emotion and allowing the suffering to permeate takes a little courage, but well worth it.
In my case, I am now solo after thirty years of marriage/family and 3 months into monk mode, so we are all on different recovery paths....
But ultimately we are all striving to beat the porn demons in our own unique ways, and for me that means solitude right now.
Connecting to my real self, that child deep down inside, the dreamer, the warrior and the sojourner!
Thank you for posting your honest thoughts and encouragement!
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
So proud of you, Onmyway! Your powerful example of someone who was 'discovered', and truly faced up- is facing up- to the hurt he caused others, and is doing what's necessary to turn things around, is truly inspiring. When I read your story and your posts, I'm challenged to be a better man for myself and for my family.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
When I read your story and your posts, I'm challenged to be a better man for myself and for my family.
Could say the same for you Phineas. For lots of the folks here. There's a lot of inspiration in all of our stories. It's been a driving force in my reboot, to learn not only from my experiences, but everybody's here. It's truly been a great source of comfort and knowledge. Knowing we aren't alone in this battle makes it so much easier to face
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Hope everyone had a great P free weekend. It's been a bit since I've journalled so I thought I'd jot a few things down.

Over 5 months now without P. That's probably the longest I've gone in my life, and it's definitely the most "pure". Previous attempts found me searching for other sources of dopamine to replace what I was missing. I would use pretty much any type of sexual material or fantasize to get that motivation to O. This time it's been complete abstinence of sexually explicit material, p subs, fantasy of P scenarios. At least not seeking those out, sometimes you come across things in media, social media or even your head. The key has been being very dilligent in what I consume, and recognizing when I do start to be complacent about it.

Abstinence hasn't been my only source for recovery, of course. It takes many layers, and finding something productive to do with that extra time from not seeking P dopamine, is as important as abstinence.
I've gotten projects done that I've put off for months. My cars are as well maintained as they've ever been. Lol. I bought my 1st motorcycle and have been learning to ride and maintain it. I spend way more time with my children. Quality time, teaching them skills and learning what their goals and interests are. Actually being a father. That kind of hurts to write. But it's true. I put a lot on the back burner when I was using. Never again.

My own father is nearing the end of his time on earth. We haven't had an amicable relationship for some time. It's probably my biggest source of stress in my life right now. I love him, he taught me many things in life. At one time he was probably the smartest person i knew. He'd answer every question on jeopardy, every night. Graduated with honors from college and dedicated himself to teaching troubled youth as a career. A lot to admire there. Where he fell short was the emotional side of life. He is a textbook narcissist. Could not control his emotions.
Never accepts fault in anything he does wrong. Knowing what I know now about P and what it does to you, I do have some empathy for him, brought on from my own experiences. He's an addict. Through and through. Multifaceted; alcohol, weed, P, hoarding. I know it's not all his fault. I know a lot of it are his own struggles with unaddressed issues, but as far as I can tell from where I'm sitting, he doesn’t think he has any problems. He's lived that way his entire life and has always done whatever he's wanted. Damn the consequences to anyone around him.

My exposure to P started far too early. He had a collection of reading materials and vhs tapes. Fairly common in that time period, or so I thought. I was the youngest of 4 boys until I was 11 then my parents had another boy. My older brothers started getting into his "collection" they would show me what they took and even sometimes watch them when my parents weren't around. This wasn't your normal P collection though. There were some very bazaar and out there genres, especially for the time period. Crossdressing and trans, gang bang, even home films of my parents! CRINGE! As an adult, finding that would be shocking. As a child, it led me to believe these were normal things😔. It made me believe that everyone behaved this way. This was the beginning of my journey into P. Though he didn't put it in my hands, he did absolutely nothing to prevent it. Any time I was caught with stuff from his "collection" he was more upset about me touching his stuff, than where it would lead for me. This told me, what I was doing was fine, as long as I didn't take his things.

There was never any discussion between us about the dangers of P use. He probably thought there weren't any, it was also long before internet. Never any discussion on how to treat women, or even dating advice. His response, when he found out I wasn't a virgin anymore, "It's about fucking time!". I was 17. There was a lot of dysfunction around sex in my family growing up, and that made it very difficult to be open with partners of mine. Once I knew these things weren't normal it led me to be secretive about what I thought were my sexual tastes. I say that because with abstinence, has come a much healthier view of sex and my own sexuality.

So as I'm coming to terms with my father's mortality, it leaves me questioning whether or not I should address my issues with him. He has dementia and I'm not even sure if he would even remember any of it. Would it give me a sense of relief? Would it make the rift between us even wider? Would it give me a sense of peace, regardless if he remembers or takes to heart what I have to say? I've envisioned this conversation many times with him. I basically have a script of what I want to say. When I was seeing a therapist, she recommended I write him a letter. She said I can do whatever I want with it, keep it, give it to him, burn it,eat it. Just write it down. It was a scathing, tear filled 2 page letter, critical of everything he did wrong as a father. I kept that letter in a drawer for nearly 2 years. Then I burned it shortly after Christmas this year. I kind of wish I hadn't. I want to show him the pain I went through. All the silent suffering I've endured. I want him to know that in spite of him, I'm doing incredibly well. In spite of my struggles, I've succeeded with my wife by my side, have 3 wonderful children, have an honest, well paying career.

I'm not seeking sympathy, I actually feel like I have come to terms with a lot of my past. It's easy to say now, but I honestly feel like I'm at peace with never having my Dad around. I know it's cold. He's made no attempt in the last 10+ years, to get to know my wife and children. Doesn't call unless he needs something. He hasn't been any type of father figure to me for some time. It's sad, but his absence has taught me much more about him in the last 10-15 years, than the previous 25 ever did. 😪

Thanks to all who got this far in this entry. It wasn't intended to take this route, but clearly it was needed to be let out.

Keep fighting, friends
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
I've not really been counting days for some time, but, I passed 6 months of P freedom 4 days ago. I've been pretty busy. Got home from camping with the family yesterday and back to work today.
It's a particularly meaningful milestone. I'm certain I've never been this purely free of porn in my life. Not seeking p subs or fantastical scenes in my head. My wife has been my sole source of sexual release and pleasure besides a few mo sessions on my own. My views on sex and perspective of my sexuality has changed completely.

Beyond the changes to my sex life, I'm living a full rich life while feeling every emotion and facing every obstacle. Feeling a sense of true masculinity for the 1st time in a long time. A real sense of accomplishment and pride.

Though there's still far to go, I feel prepared to deal with urges and recognizing when I'm slipping a bit. I'm becoming the man I always knew I could be.

Keep fighting, friends 💪
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
I've not really been counting days for some time, but, I passed 6 months of P freedom 4 days ago. I've been pretty busy. Got home from camping with the family yesterday and back to work today.
It's a particularly meaningful milestone. I'm certain I've never been this purely free of porn in my life. Not seeking p subs or fantastical scenes in my head. My wife has been my sole source of sexual release and pleasure besides a few mo sessions on my own. My views on sex and perspective of my sexuality has changed completely.

Beyond the changes to my sex life, I'm living a full rich life while feeling every emotion and facing every obstacle. Feeling a sense of true masculinity for the 1st time in a long time. A real sense of accomplishment and pride.

Though there's still far to go, I feel prepared to deal with urges and recognizing when I'm slipping a bit. I'm becoming the man I always knew I could be.

Keep fighting, friends 💪
My friend you’re doing amazing. I’m so happy to see how far you’ve come. Great job!
 
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