Lifetime of porn use, but ready for the best part of my life to begin

[Percival]

Well done! And thank you for sharing your struggles and your successes; it's encouraging and helpful to me in mine. That feeling of relief and accomplishment is a wonderful one (I've been there, and am trying to get back there). It's too bad the "hit" is not as strong, in the moment, as the excitement of porn, but it lasts much longer and you can be proud of it. It's part of changing all of yourself into a better man. Anyway, you're doing well. Here's to one more day!

 

[GBS]

6 months of sobriety - well done. I am exactly the same minus about 2 weeks. It’s a journey. We keep fighting. We’re never complacent. We love our changes. We never imagined we could feel like this. Isn’t it all fucking brilliant?

 

[Onmyway19]

This is the way

 

[Onmyway19]

This is the way

"It's a decision I make every minute of every day to not fall back into that trap."

This is a line from my very 1st entry on this thread. Something was telling me to go back and read my journal from the beginning. I'm glad that I did. It's an excellent reminder of why I'm doing this and how far I've come in this journey.
Some of it was very tough to read, but im glad that I did.

Strange how closely it coincides with the previous quote. But it's been my mindset this entire reboot, and each day has gotten easier because of that promise I made to myself.

Keep fighting, friends

 

[Onmyway19]

6 months is impressive. I wish I can make it that far. Right now even 6 days seems quite impossible.

Then start with 1 day. Can't get 6 without getting the 1st day done. It's a literal lifestyle change. Not just abstinence.

That 6 months of no porn is after a lifetime of failed attempts. I still have a long way to go too. But, we all have to start somewhere and remember to never stop trying our best, even on our worst days.

I hope you get as much from this community as I have. It's been the one major difference from all my previous attempts at quitting. Looking forward to following your journey.

 

[Onmyway19]

I understand that. It's just that right now it's something I find really hard to imagine.

I'm all too familiar with that feeling. Minute by minute, day by day it gets easier. It's cliche af, but it's true.

 

[Onmyway19]

I cried in the shower this morning. Wasn't sad, but heard a song that just moved me and brought a lot of emotions on very quickly. It was over almost as quickly as it came on. I love feeling all these things, good and bad, because I spent so long numbing everything. Actually experiencing life, Real Life, at 40 is a humbling experience.

I've learned more about myself in the last 6 months- 2 years than I did the previous decade plus. I don't remember shedding a single tear before 2 years ago.. good or bad. I was just a shell for so long.

It feels fucking fantastic to feel real life again.

Keep fighting, friends

 

[Blondie]

Beautiful man.

Keep killing it!

 

[Sepul0]

I just finished reading all of the posts in this powerful journal. I noticed that it's kind of repetitive, but that characteristic is entirely justified. These points are of the utmost importance, and are in response to behaviors practiced over many years. Us rebooters need to frequently remind ourselves of the harm that we've inflicted upon not only ourselves but also others. To keep things optimistic, reminding ourselves of our existing progress and capability to accomplish so much more is also worth doing often.

This journal has been uplifting for me, and I'm confident that other people who've read it but haven't posted in it feel similarly. Catching up with yet another journal in which there have been no relapses has furthered inspired me to make my own journal another example of one, fortunately I seem to have found a strategy that works for me. Thank you Onmyway, and all of the other users who have contributed to this journal.

 

[Onmyway19]

Thank you for taking the time to read through my journal. I'm glad that it has been impactful. Sharing our journeys is what makes this community so great. I truly believe this isn't a battle we can take on alone. We need the support and encouragement from all our peers.

Catching up with yet another journal in which there have been no relapses has furthered inspired me to make my own journal

This journal is just the tip of the iceberg in my journey to porn freedom. Its something that I wanted throughout my life. Even since my early teens I knew I was doing damage. There have been countless relapses and binges and nearly catastrophic incidents with this battle. Not to say there weren't times that I successfully abstained, but for the better part of 30 years I've been on the losing side of it.

I was never prepared for continued success, before I found RN. Even after over a year of therapy and being clean about the same amount of time as I am now, I went back to old habits, because I was continuing those old habits only in other ways. Using P subs, fantasizing, just not appreciating the blessings i have in my life. Led me straight back into it.

I'm very proud of how far I've come since February. I've learned a lot about myself, addiction, and what it takes to truly take ownership of your life. I'm still a bit terrified but very optimistic. I've regained a clarity that' been missing from my life for a very long time, and I dont think that anything could lead me from the path I'm now on.

Keep fighting, friends

 

[Onmyway19]

2 years ago my life changed. I came across a picture I took on vacation in California. I was on a cliff at our car while my family was on the beach searching the tide pools. I was sitting there watching them, nearly in tears. I was in the darkest, deepest part of my porn use at this time. Watching my family in their bliss, without me there, made something click. I was sick of my own bullshit. So disgusted with myself that I thought for a second, maybe they really don't need me. Then I realized how absolutely wrong I was, they need me. ME. Not the gooned out, sleep deprived, shell of a person I had become. The man my wife married. The man that watched every one of my children come into this world and cut their cords. The man that coached their soccer and football teams and taught them how to ride a bike. I wasn't him anymore. I took that picture and vowed to do whatever it took when we got home from vacation to be that man.

The next night on our way to dinner she found the Kik app on my phone and I confessed what I had been doing. Seeing that picture in my memories is a reminder of how close I was to actually not inflicting the pain that I did. I'm not sure where I'd be had that not been discovered. I'm not sure if I would have been able to change my behaviors without the extra push from the fear of losing my family. But I was already losing them. They were already slipping from my grasp before I ever realized it.

I'm now quite grateful for the fact that I was discovered. Maybe not the ideal conditions. I wish it had never gotten to that point. But that moment was a turning point in my life that I will never turn back from.

Though I haven't been P free for the entire 2 years since then, its certainly the least I've consumed in that period in, my lifetime since discovering P. Each day with my family is a blessing that I'll never take for granted again. Even the hard days when I wanna put my son through the wall. Lol. (I never really would. Don't call CPS)

I'll never forget how I felt the day I took that picture and I'll do whatever it takes to never feel that way again.

Keep fighting, friends.

 

[Onmyway19]

It is sad. The darkest time in my life by far. I fully take responsibility for putting myself and my family in that position. There was a lot that I hadn't dealt with, many areas of my life that I avoided what was necessary and just kept repeating the same behaviors. Until I learned to deal with my trauma, and voice, and take on my problems with purpose, there was no getting away from those behaviors.

I'm definitely not proud of many things from my past, but I no longer carry shame for it. I was weak and vulnerable and porn definitely had its influence, but it wasn't just the porn. That was just the easy way to not feel those underlying issues.

Every single hard day with my wife and family is 1000x better than any day with porn and hiding from my problems. Its unfortunate that I didn't come to this realization sooner but there's no looking back now. I'll always carry that part of my life in the back of my mind as a reminder of my rock bottom, and do everything it takes to not return there, no matter what cards life may deal me.

Thanks for your comments. As sad as some of these stories may be, its important they're told. It's important to share out struggles and victories with others to gain knowledge and give hope to others effected by this modern issue. I'm grateful for the support from here and give a huge amount of credit to the RN community for my most successful, and I can say with a great amount of certainty, my last attempt at not just abstaining from P, but becoming the man I always knew was there.

Keep fighting, friends

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Onmyway19
Thank you for sharing
Its true all addictions take us away from people, activities and things that are most important and beneficial to us.

We do not appreciate or cherish what we have, and did not build on and grow them.

Now that we are away from the blindness and chains, let us not look back in anger, sadness or regret.

Let us look forward in positivity and optimism, for we now truly know what is good for us, and we can put all our attention and effort in making our's and everyone's life better.

You are already becoming the man you always want to be.

 

[Onmyway19]

Tought times, create tough people. Be proud of the battles you've fought, and the journey you're on.

 

[Onmyway19]

I've been pretty quiet on here, but definitely for good reasons. My life is at a point where I dont feel the need to journal every couple days, hell even once a week.
My mind isn't isn't in conflict any longer, I'm as sure as I've ever been in my life, that I have what I've always truly wanted. My family. My porn fueled behavior nearly ripped them away from me and I'll never forget that.

The trust among us is coming back. My wife looks at me with love and adoration again. Instead of eyes full of pain and faked smiles. I see and feel the love that was always there and I did everything to shun, because I didn't know how to deal with my own pain. It's crazy what we'll look past to feed our addictions.

My kids, though they really don't know what my wife and I were going through, seem happier. They see that I'm much more available, loving and involved.

My brother got married over the weekend, and I saw a lot of family i hadn't seen for a while. 2 years ago I wouldn't have felt the emotions I felt that day. I cried a lot of happy tears, and was extremely grateful to be a part of his celebration.

I feel the most at peace that I've ever felt in my life. Not to say there aren't problems in my life still, I'm just much better equipped to deal with them. I let P take so much from my life. I'll never give it another second.

Keep fighting, friends

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Onmyway19

My mind isn't isn't in conflict any longer, I'm as sure as I've ever been in my life, that I have what I've always truly wanted. My family. My porn fueled behavior nearly ripped them away from me and I'll never forget that.

This is beautiful to read and I just wanted to let you know how happy I am for you. It's great that the scales have fallen away from your eyes and that you now see reality now for what it is, and all the wonderful things that that entails.

So glad you and your wife are growing stronger and more trusting together, because that's really all that matters in the end. Plus, the children too. A win-win all around.

Best to you man!

Keep killing it.

 

[Onmyway19]

Hey @Onmyway19

This is beautiful to read and I just wanted to let you know how happy I am for you. It's great that the scales have fallen away from your eyes and that you now see reality now for what it is, and all the wonderful things that that entails.

So glad you and your wife are growing stronger and more trusting together, because that's really all that matters in the end. Plus, the children too. A win-win all around.

Best to you man!

Keep killing it.

Thanks my friend. It truly is so much better on this side

 

[Onmyway19]

This isn't a path for the faint of heart. Especially in the beginning, there can be far more hard days than good days. Eventually that scale tips in our favor, when we stay on the path we know is true. If you're struggling, don't give up. If you keep relapsing, don't stop trying. When it feels pointless, know deep down, you're stronger than most, by just making the attempt.

Keep fighting, friends

 

[Onmyway19]

Just wanted to touch base and wish everyone here a Happy Thanksgiving, for those of us state side.

I have so much to be thankful for this year and RN is definitely near the top of that list. I'm grateful for the bonds and friendships I've created here. For the infinite support I've received, and for the knowledge I've acquired from each of your journals and articles.

I've said all along that this forum has been the 1 major difference from all my previous attempts. I truly believe RN is a place anyone can learn about, and recover from this modern issue. Thank you all for your part in my recovery. It means more than you'll ever know.

Happy Thanksgiving
And keep fighting, friends

 

[Jlied]

Just wanted to touch base and wish everyone here a Happy Thanksgiving, for those of us state side.

I have so much to be thankful for this year and RN is definitely near the top of that list. I'm grateful for the bonds and friendships I've created here. For the infinite support I've received, and for the knowledge I've acquired from each of your journals and articles.

I've said all along that this forum has been the 1 major difference from all my previous attempts. I truly believe RN is a place anyone can learn about, and recover from this modern issue. Thank you all for your part in my recovery. It means more than you'll ever know.

Happy Thanksgiving
And keep fighting, friends

Happy thanksgiving to you too my brother in this struggle.