Onmyway19
Active Member
I was exposed to porn at a pretty young age. It became my go to stress relief for almost any situation. An escape where I had control, or so I thought. It really took hold of me once the internet was available to me at the tip of my fingers. Before I knew it I was PMO multiple times a day. Different genres escalated into a pretty dark place, even to the point I wasn't sure of my sexuality. This led me the lowest point in my life by far. I sought out pleasure from people outside of my marriage. I started on kik message groups, meeting guys and sharing pictures and videos. This led to my 1st experience with PIED, though i didn't tie it all together. Though I never physically touched anyone else, the intent was there, the betrayal was there and I crossed a line I swore I never would. It was more than just porn. Even then, I kept trying to justify my behavior. Until I was caught. She found the kik app on my phone when we were on vacation, with my family and another family that we're friends with. Though I deleted everything and she didn't really know all that I did on there, I eventually told her everything. I ruined everything our vacation, her trust, and our entire marriage. It took weeks of apologies, and starting to see a therapist for things I had been battling most of my life. She slowly came back to me. It wasn't easy and I'm now glad it happened, because it was the only way I would have stopped, no matter how badly I wanted to. I stopped pmo for roughly 9- 10 months. Things were a good as they'd ever been. Then I slipped. Using psubs. That trickle opened a flood gate. Within weeks back to pmo daily. Sometimes 3 or 4 times. Deeper and darker stuff each time. When she found out again it was basically all bi. or homosexual. Not denying my attraction to men, but I promised my heart and soul to her, twice now. I intend to stick to my word. She was obviously devastated. I did exactly what I promised her I wouldn't, and worked so hard for a long time not to. I know now the approach I took last time won't work.
That happened 20 days ago. Since then I have stopped consuming P or any Psubs. It's a decision I make every minute of every day to not fall back into that trap. The harder part has been healing the disconnect I've created, not only with her but my entire family. I feel like it really effected my relationship with my son as well, even possibly contributing to some of his mental health and drug issues. We are working on our bond, but I feel like the trust is no longer there, though I'm not sure he knows anything about what I've been through, or my wife. It seems like the timing coincides with everything.
None of this can be fixed overnight. It will take a lot of emotional strength and letting go of things I've struggled with for a long time. Finding this group has made a huge difference. It's where I come to, instead of giving into my addiction. I've learned a lot already and hopefully my story gives hope to others, like I've found here. Though early in my journey, I have more hope for success than I've ever had, and also have the tools required for that success.
I'm grateful for this group, and the opportunity to prove to my family how much better I can be without P.
That happened 20 days ago. Since then I have stopped consuming P or any Psubs. It's a decision I make every minute of every day to not fall back into that trap. The harder part has been healing the disconnect I've created, not only with her but my entire family. I feel like it really effected my relationship with my son as well, even possibly contributing to some of his mental health and drug issues. We are working on our bond, but I feel like the trust is no longer there, though I'm not sure he knows anything about what I've been through, or my wife. It seems like the timing coincides with everything.
None of this can be fixed overnight. It will take a lot of emotional strength and letting go of things I've struggled with for a long time. Finding this group has made a huge difference. It's where I come to, instead of giving into my addiction. I've learned a lot already and hopefully my story gives hope to others, like I've found here. Though early in my journey, I have more hope for success than I've ever had, and also have the tools required for that success.
I'm grateful for this group, and the opportunity to prove to my family how much better I can be without P.