Onmyway19
Active Member
I had a pretty profound experience yesterday. One that most of us may never get to experience. A very symbolic moment that I thought would bring me more joy than it did.
My dad is battling dementia and really isn't much longer for this earth. He still functions but is clueless 90% of the time. This is on top of hoarding and really living in unsafe conditions. We're in the process of de hoarding and moving him into my brother's home along with my mother.
In this process, I came across THE collection of P that started my consumption. A chest of vhs tapes and magazines. A time capsule of filth. It wasn't triggering at all. There was no desire to go through it and find the "faves". I couldn't rid the world of that shit fast enough. 4 contractor trash bags. Plastic and paper that changed the course of multiple peoples lives. Pictures of strangers, that made such a profound effect on me and my brothers, really my entire family and theirs.
All because one man had an illness, that he never took on. He never faced his problems. He'll now never have the chance to. Really just a sick sad old man that traded his family for his things. Though we never left him and are still here, he was never present, even before the dementia.
I'll never be that. Ill never subject my children, or put them in a position to do those things. Throwing out his collection, though extremely therapeutic for my own reasons, was just a sad realization of the path I was headed down.
I was no better for a large part of my life. I'm grateful for the opportunity to right my wrongs. I'm grateful that I can build the relationship that I never had with my Dad, with my children. I don't want them to remember me the way I see my father.
I want to build a life that my children and their families know they're always welcome and wanted. Loved unconditionally, and will always have a safe place.
I know this was a bit all over the place, but it felt great to write it down and let it out.
Keep fighting, friends
My dad is battling dementia and really isn't much longer for this earth. He still functions but is clueless 90% of the time. This is on top of hoarding and really living in unsafe conditions. We're in the process of de hoarding and moving him into my brother's home along with my mother.
In this process, I came across THE collection of P that started my consumption. A chest of vhs tapes and magazines. A time capsule of filth. It wasn't triggering at all. There was no desire to go through it and find the "faves". I couldn't rid the world of that shit fast enough. 4 contractor trash bags. Plastic and paper that changed the course of multiple peoples lives. Pictures of strangers, that made such a profound effect on me and my brothers, really my entire family and theirs.
All because one man had an illness, that he never took on. He never faced his problems. He'll now never have the chance to. Really just a sick sad old man that traded his family for his things. Though we never left him and are still here, he was never present, even before the dementia.
I'll never be that. Ill never subject my children, or put them in a position to do those things. Throwing out his collection, though extremely therapeutic for my own reasons, was just a sad realization of the path I was headed down.
I was no better for a large part of my life. I'm grateful for the opportunity to right my wrongs. I'm grateful that I can build the relationship that I never had with my Dad, with my children. I don't want them to remember me the way I see my father.
I want to build a life that my children and their families know they're always welcome and wanted. Loved unconditionally, and will always have a safe place.
I know this was a bit all over the place, but it felt great to write it down and let it out.
Keep fighting, friends