To always start again

[viking1234]

Hey impression, thanks for your comment.
That's absolutely correct. Today is day 1. I came home from work yesterday evening and the same pattern happened - just lying on the couch with the tablet edging.
So I decided to take preventive measures: I'm going to forbid myself using the tablet while at home. It's a pattern I see a lot. Unfortunately I need my tablet for work, so I cannot just ditch it. My laptop is though a bit better prepared (though there's a workaround, as always). Plus I feel I'm having a lot of screen time doing nothing at all, so I'd like to use that time for better purposes, like learning to play the guitar or a new language, or cooking, or being present with my partner.

So from now onwards - no tablet at home, only in the office. Other than that, starting over again because of yesterday's slip. It's a bummer, yeah, but I'm not going to let that deter me. I've seen so many people at SPAA with so much sobriety that it's really inspiring. It's an addiction, and I'm powerless over it.

Thanks for reading,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0 again. Stupid looking for ten minutes at some videos. There's always going to be something new out there. Was beginning to act out, but managed to stop. Got me into a SPAA meeting, reset my counter. Again, the after lunch break.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Had a nice 3 day streak, was on a trip with some friends, no time nor privacy for relapsing.
I'm alone for a couple of hours, couldn't control an urge and just watched some P for 5 minutes, no finishing. I'm resetting my counter to 0.

Old habits die hard, I guess?

I just can't picture how I can live without this. And I guess that's precisely what my brain wants me to think...

 

[viking1234]

Day 1 went by quite OK.
It was snowing a bit so I was mostly home. Searched for some 10 minutes without any results, all website blocked. I guess that's going to be a hard thing to kill.
Otherwise done lots of things - just felt a bit blue. I don't know anymore if that's the winter, the snow, that I miss P or what. It's like if the days were not exciting, which I guess is normal considering I don't have the crazy ups P gives you as much as I did before...
Going to turn off my devices now and just read and wind down. I'd need to do that more often.
Thanks for listening!
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 2, so far so good.
I feel a bit sick today, tired and with a sore throat. Usually I would spend a lot of time talking and thinking why do I feel that way, and worried if I'd eventually get worse. I tried not to do that this time, or at least not that much.
Studied a bit in the morning/early afternoon, have to work later today.

The AA daily reading says "The essence of all growth is a willingness to make a change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." It makes me wonder, do I have that unremitting willingness? It's hard, for sure. Trying to practice some loving kindness meditation. I have times during the day when I get really blue and would almost cry out my boredom, loneliness, fear, shame and guilt. So much resentment, so little flexibility.

I am willing to make a change, that's for sure. I guess I need to tend to my garden and pluck out the weed every. single. day.

Thanks for listening,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

I relapsed yesterday evening. Not feeling great about it, but I don't intend to lose the progress I've made over the last couple of weeks.
I spent like 40 minutes in the couch *with my tablet*, trying to find a website that wasn't blocked. It was really hard. At one point my partner even said 'you told me to take the tablet from you right before bed', but I didn't let her do it. How stupid of me.

Some takeaways from this:
-I need to find a better way to control urges. Yesterday I worked with the ladies group I usually work with, and it's really tough not to edge. Some of them are very pretty. Plus I have to work! If you have any suggestions about ways to control urges, let me know! Specially if they could be implemented without raising too much suspicion from my partner (like I'm not going to go for a run at 11.30pm).
-I will try to implement a DNS-level blocker for this search engine that somehow doesn't get blocked.
-Need to up my prayer/meditation game.

Starting again. A week is my first objective. I can really do this, I just need to crush the belief that I cannot live without sex or P.

Thanks for listening,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 2.
So far so good. A bit pissed off today because it seems that I'll have some unexpected expenses this month - one of them is a work certificate I need and the other is a new pair of sunglasses, which I cannot find anywhere. Both of them are quite expensive.
Otherwise I've found a nice app that blocks my browser every day at 21hs after work, so that's that. No more mindless edging. The lunch break is still a problem though. Right now my partner is on sick leave and therefore little privacy at that time, but that's going to be interesting once she gets back to work.
Going for the week!

 

[viking1234]

Day 4.
Very nice days yesterday and today. Met some people, worked a bit, and could enjoy the sun.
The days were quite busy so I didn't have a lot of edging time. I know, however, that P is only around the corner. Any small slip could take me there.
The browser block after 21hs is for sure helping. Every now and then I get some random urges. I'm trying to keep on meditating and praying, though the last two days don't reflect that.

I really want a week!
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1.
After a almost 7 day streak, I had the worst day yesterday, and ended up watching some P late in the evening. Mostly edging, not finishing, but I'll count it as a relapse. I'm not going to go into details, but one of those days were really nothing works out - my usual self came out and had the usual way of dealing with stress: P.

It's not defeat, but for sure a bit disappointing, specially since I was so close to my first goal. Haven't had any time for praying/meditation, but I'll try some today. Also, I need to now sort out my laptop blocker because I changed my OS (which is something I have been wanting to do for a while) so some things are still a bit clunky. Will take care of that now before work.

Hopes up!
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1 today, again. Disappointing. Unfortunately, no matter how many blockages I put myself, I know enough about IT, Linux and systems to be able to circumvent everything. I think the answer lies somewhere else, clearly. I have to meditate more and pray more, and find better ways to cope with my urges. Or I say goodbye to my home laptop, which I need for work.
I'm going to try other things, other solutions. Partner is much more at home so now the difficult time is in the evening when she walks the dog.

Trying hard...
Viking

 

[Impression]

Hey @viking1234 - just checking in to find out if you’re okay over there?