To always start again

[viking1234]

Hey impression, thanks for your comment.
That's absolutely correct. Today is day 1. I came home from work yesterday evening and the same pattern happened - just lying on the couch with the tablet edging.
So I decided to take preventive measures: I'm going to forbid myself using the tablet while at home. It's a pattern I see a lot. Unfortunately I need my tablet for work, so I cannot just ditch it. My laptop is though a bit better prepared (though there's a workaround, as always). Plus I feel I'm having a lot of screen time doing nothing at all, so I'd like to use that time for better purposes, like learning to play the guitar or a new language, or cooking, or being present with my partner.

So from now onwards - no tablet at home, only in the office. Other than that, starting over again because of yesterday's slip. It's a bummer, yeah, but I'm not going to let that deter me. I've seen so many people at SPAA with so much sobriety that it's really inspiring. It's an addiction, and I'm powerless over it.

Thanks for reading,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0 again. Stupid looking for ten minutes at some videos. There's always going to be something new out there. Was beginning to act out, but managed to stop. Got me into a SPAA meeting, reset my counter. Again, the after lunch break.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Had a nice 3 day streak, was on a trip with some friends, no time nor privacy for relapsing.
I'm alone for a couple of hours, couldn't control an urge and just watched some P for 5 minutes, no finishing. I'm resetting my counter to 0.

Old habits die hard, I guess?

I just can't picture how I can live without this. And I guess that's precisely what my brain wants me to think...

 

[viking1234]

Day 1 went by quite OK.
It was snowing a bit so I was mostly home. Searched for some 10 minutes without any results, all website blocked. I guess that's going to be a hard thing to kill.
Otherwise done lots of things - just felt a bit blue. I don't know anymore if that's the winter, the snow, that I miss P or what. It's like if the days were not exciting, which I guess is normal considering I don't have the crazy ups P gives you as much as I did before...
Going to turn off my devices now and just read and wind down. I'd need to do that more often.
Thanks for listening!
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 2, so far so good.
I feel a bit sick today, tired and with a sore throat. Usually I would spend a lot of time talking and thinking why do I feel that way, and worried if I'd eventually get worse. I tried not to do that this time, or at least not that much.
Studied a bit in the morning/early afternoon, have to work later today.

The AA daily reading says "The essence of all growth is a willingness to make a change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails." It makes me wonder, do I have that unremitting willingness? It's hard, for sure. Trying to practice some loving kindness meditation. I have times during the day when I get really blue and would almost cry out my boredom, loneliness, fear, shame and guilt. So much resentment, so little flexibility.

I am willing to make a change, that's for sure. I guess I need to tend to my garden and pluck out the weed every. single. day.

Thanks for listening,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

I relapsed yesterday evening. Not feeling great about it, but I don't intend to lose the progress I've made over the last couple of weeks.
I spent like 40 minutes in the couch *with my tablet*, trying to find a website that wasn't blocked. It was really hard. At one point my partner even said 'you told me to take the tablet from you right before bed', but I didn't let her do it. How stupid of me.

Some takeaways from this:
-I need to find a better way to control urges. Yesterday I worked with the ladies group I usually work with, and it's really tough not to edge. Some of them are very pretty. Plus I have to work! If you have any suggestions about ways to control urges, let me know! Specially if they could be implemented without raising too much suspicion from my partner (like I'm not going to go for a run at 11.30pm).
-I will try to implement a DNS-level blocker for this search engine that somehow doesn't get blocked.
-Need to up my prayer/meditation game.

Starting again. A week is my first objective. I can really do this, I just need to crush the belief that I cannot live without sex or P.

Thanks for listening,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 2.
So far so good. A bit pissed off today because it seems that I'll have some unexpected expenses this month - one of them is a work certificate I need and the other is a new pair of sunglasses, which I cannot find anywhere. Both of them are quite expensive.
Otherwise I've found a nice app that blocks my browser every day at 21hs after work, so that's that. No more mindless edging. The lunch break is still a problem though. Right now my partner is on sick leave and therefore little privacy at that time, but that's going to be interesting once she gets back to work.
Going for the week!

 

[viking1234]

Day 4.
Very nice days yesterday and today. Met some people, worked a bit, and could enjoy the sun.
The days were quite busy so I didn't have a lot of edging time. I know, however, that P is only around the corner. Any small slip could take me there.
The browser block after 21hs is for sure helping. Every now and then I get some random urges. I'm trying to keep on meditating and praying, though the last two days don't reflect that.

I really want a week!
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1.
After a almost 7 day streak, I had the worst day yesterday, and ended up watching some P late in the evening. Mostly edging, not finishing, but I'll count it as a relapse. I'm not going to go into details, but one of those days were really nothing works out - my usual self came out and had the usual way of dealing with stress: P.

It's not defeat, but for sure a bit disappointing, specially since I was so close to my first goal. Haven't had any time for praying/meditation, but I'll try some today. Also, I need to now sort out my laptop blocker because I changed my OS (which is something I have been wanting to do for a while) so some things are still a bit clunky. Will take care of that now before work.

Hopes up!
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1 today, again. Disappointing. Unfortunately, no matter how many blockages I put myself, I know enough about IT, Linux and systems to be able to circumvent everything. I think the answer lies somewhere else, clearly. I have to meditate more and pray more, and find better ways to cope with my urges. Or I say goodbye to my home laptop, which I need for work.
I'm going to try other things, other solutions. Partner is much more at home so now the difficult time is in the evening when she walks the dog.

Trying hard...
Viking

 

[Impression]

Hey @viking1234 - just checking in to find out if you’re okay over there?

 

[viking1234]

Long time no see, dear RN people.

For the past year, I've been in and out of PMO in various degrees. Still trying to quit, and my P usage has become less and less luckily.

I have officially changed careers and started studying computer science, for which I had to quit one of my jobs. That's probably one of the most difficult things right now - the identity change and starting a new career at 30+.

I've put in place extensive blockers, a raspberry pi that uses pihole and filters traffic on a network level, have ONLY a dumb phone now and blockers + Andoff on my tablet (which I use for work), to avoid weird resets/safe mode workarounds. So blockage is at an insane level, and even if there is a workaround because after all I'm the one that set it up, I made hopefully cumbersome and inconvenient enough.

I had a few nice streaks, my last one until 2 days ago was 14 days. I then watched and M for 2 minutes. Luckily enough, felt like 'why am I doing this?' and added quickly the site to my blocker. Resetted either way, so now on day 2 again. Doesn't feel like a total defeat though. Feels like I'm still building.

Have been feeling a lot of anhedonia lately, getting no pleasure from anything, questioning all my life choices (and career change) and crying a lot, feeling like life has no meaning. I first attributed that to stress and studies but then I realised it's actually my brain healing and coping with reality for the first time in my life without PMO.

It is incredibly hard, and it comes in waves.

I try to do sport, be social and meditate. Have a talk with my psychiatrist this week as well. But damn, it's hard. I want to be in peace. This, too, shall pass.

Will try to be more active here as a means of keeping myself accountable.

Thanks for listening,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 4.
Hard to find the time to post sometimes. My partner has been on sick leave for the past months, so it's not easy to find the privacy to write.

Still feeling quite tired. Weather has been grey for the past two weeks, which doesn't help. My brain keeps screaming for a quick dopamine hit every now and then. I try to either distract myself doing something else like pushups or going out with the dog; other times I try to stare at the feeling and be thankful for it. Reminds me that this is not a quick fix, that I brought this upon myself, and that this is the ONE thing keeping me from living the life I want right now. Might be that there are more things, but with time, those will get sorted out eventually. Grateful for every day without P. I feel I can connect with people more, I get more pleasure from doing things, and am generally more happy. Even though some days are just surviving, I know that's my brain healing.

Life has to be more than P!

Thanks,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Unfortunately, day 0 again.

Had a petty fight with my partner. Mostly about character traits. I tend to focus a lot on my things and don't think about other things too much. She is the absolute opposite - takes on way too many things, doesn't want the help I offer and then explodes. Got really pissed off and guilty, then went and relapsed when she left.
I'm not saying it's her fault - gosh no! It's obviously 100% me. It's very clear that PMO has been and still is my way of dealing with day-to-day stress.

Starting over once again. Progress is never linear, I guess...
Keeping the hopes up, another stupid search engine that gets blocked. I hope at some point I'll eventually run out of them!
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1.
Not much going on. Worked a bit during the morning, then took the day off.
Have a bit of a stiff neck because I was a lot at the computer yesterday with assignments...
Grey day. Tried some self compassion - helped a bit with the post relapse numbness.
I thought about starting a 'self-worth diary', where I write three things each day where I can change my core belief that I'm unlovable and a failure, just because PMO.
I guess I'll have to get through the 14 days, one day at a time.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 4.
Was very busy with one assignment that is pretty much done now. Stressed me out because I have to hand it in on Friday. 'To-do things' tend to stress me out a lot, it's something I have trouble accepting. Like when working on a project or something, it's not going to be done in a day, you know? So I freak out, work non stop and then am cooked because I barely took breaks. Specially when I'm close to deadlines. Need to learn how to handle that.

Been having otherwise some P flashes. Randomly. And can feel the mood swings of withdrawal starting to hit. Need to tread carefully the next weeks.
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 5.
Not feeling great today. I've been nervous since this morning. My partner said it's the first day I take off properly since last summer. That made me cry. I'm really bad at relaxing, so this is new. I realize I'm an escapist - anything bad, I try to escape. PMO was my way out no. 1. Study stress? Just drop out. Work stress? Change jobs. Always trying to find a way out, where the only way out is through.
On top of things, it's a really windy and stormy outside, which makes it even worse. Feeling the full power of hopelessness and 'what am I doing with my life...'
Had a chill day so far with gaming, reading and TV shows together with my partner.

P flashes come and go.
I want to get better. I know my brain is healing. I just need to remember that, and try to keep positive.
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 6.
I'm feeling a bit better today, even if the weather is even worse. I managed to study this morning being very conscious and structured with my time, which makes such a big difference. I have to learn that more is not better.

I survived yesterday, which shows that everything passes in the end. A bit more of a positive outlook on life today, but I know mood swings and hopelessness are around the corner in these early withdrawal days. Going to have lunch now and then work this evening.

Every day of sobriety I add cleans the soul a little bit more and shows me that I too am worthy of love, even if PMO wants to make me think otherwise.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 7.
Even worse weather today, never stops. Norway ^^
Got really nervous/pissed off today because of a stupid table that we are selling and how the person that was supposed to pick it up didn't care about being two hours late. Anyhow, it's just a table, even if it feels I used up all my energy for that today.

Studied a bit and managed to finally understand a topic I was struggling with. That was nice. A bit tired because I went to bed late yesterday.

I'm moving in ten days, time feels like it has stopped. I hate waiting. Waiting for sobriety, for the moving day to come, for peace.

I think of one poetry I like... 'peace requires a strength of will, a certain courage, a heart of iron'
Hope that I can have that courage and that heart of iron.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 8.
Just finished work. Really tired. Part of the reason we're moving is the upstairs neighbours... they are really noisy - I've been waking up at 6 pretty much every every day for the past month.
So that's not good for withdrawal. Luckily work kept me busy today. Now going home for rest and a chill evening.
Mood is OK. I get along really well with the people at work. I just wish I could speed up time until after the moving day. And until I have one month or so of sobriety...
Viking