To always start again

[viking1234]

Day 10.
Was working yesterday as well, so didn't have the energy to post.
Working the weekend was good, it kept me busy and far away from potential relapse.
Today I celebrate 10 days! It's a small step, but I could use a victory for sure, no matter how small.
Moving soon, stress is getting a bit higher.

Have had a bit of structure in my daily life as well, which was something that I was missing, specially while studying/working.
Weather still not great, but a bit lighter and less rainy than the weekend. Had some vivid flashes, as well as some weird dreams about P. And kind of a non P related nightmare. I ended up sleeping really badly, waking up a lot, turning and tossing. I guess it's my brain, healing.

Keeping on it.
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 12.
Nice weather this morning, now snowing again.
Strong urges today. Some P flashes or thoughts like 'oh, my partner is going to work now for the first time in months, I will actually be alone. I could watch some...'
Today could be very risky, I will be meeting one the all-girl groups I work with. That could be a trigger. Need to remember to see past the body and admire the human side of everyone. Might be difficult when I'm 12 days in and my brain is literally screaming for release.

I'm trying to keep myself busy but not fall into the 'work 20 hours straight to not think about P' trap. Prayed a bit this morning. Will do so before leaving for work.
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 13.
Partner has just gone to work. It's scary to be alone.
On the other side, I'm happy because I survived yesterday. Wednesdays are usually a bit of a high risk day for me. A lot of edging and objectifying. I went straight to bed after work, had some P flashes through the night and woke up often. But I survived. Day is over.

Today is day 13. It feels weird to be approaching the two week line again. Like unreal. I can feel my brain still healing, screaming for release. Even hugging my partner makes me feel very horny. *It's just a hug* and not even that, I want to be able to enjoy that hug as *only* a hug, without my brain going all nuts. I kind of like saying 'my brain going all nuts' instead of 'me going all nuts' because it detaches the sickness from my identity. PMO is NOT who I am or want to be, but it is who I was for a very, very long time.

The daily buddhist reading (something I started reading some days ago) has something very on point today: "Who am I when no one is watching?" I want to be in peace with myself. Accepting and forgiving of my past. And not having some naked girls stir my whole life.

Thanks for hearing my rant.
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 17.
I was really busy with the moving the last few days. That's good, I guess. It's really tiring, but leaves little space for PMO.
I did have O with my partner a few days ago. I'm not counting that as a reset even though I know O influences my recovery - my problem is with P.

I'm kind of scared of the moment when everything will be done and 'we can relax'. I know that can be dangerous, specially that know she's back to work. Have to remember how far I've come. 17 days is probably the longest I've had in a few years.

Have a couple of assignments due end of april, and a work trip mid-april. That's also going to be a potential high-risk situation. Need to keep posting, praying and journaling and not just carry on as usual 'because it's going all right...'. I know that can turn quite abruptly.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1 today.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I guess that's what makes us human? After a 20 day streak, my longest one in years. It was so fast, lasted less than 5 minutes. New house, new Internet, easy to bypass because I have not blocked it with 10 different levels as I usually do. I like knowing IT, but sometimes, and specially for recovery, it sucks...
The last few days I was busy with the move so I didn't pray, journal or posted much, and I felt that. It was a lot of stress, but mostly the fact that my GF was so depressed with living now a bit further away from the city centre and having to live in a cold place that still has snow in April that I felt really bad too (a big reason we are staying is my studies), so I felt we worked a lot for nothing and I needed a quick fix. Do you think that solved anything? NO!
Now it's early and I slept badly again because of guilt. Noise situation in the new place is much better so we will get better sleep for sure.

Not going to let this small setback erase the fact that I just had the longest streak I've had in years. Progress is not linear.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 3.
Up early today, don't know why. I didn't sleep too well, I'm a bit stressed because of two assignments, the move, and the relapse.
Maybe stressed is not the right word. On edge, I guess? Disappointed...

It's mostly about my reactions to things - the meaning we humans put around everything we do. I wish to be able to enjoy life more.
Anyhow. Will try to go through the day and not let my reactions cover the moment.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 5.
Had a slight hiccup this week with the pretext of 'watching the lunar flyby'. What a load of BS...
A bit sad and disappointed at myself, but trying to accept it and move on.
Luckily days go by fast. I usually use work as an escape tool for boredom and stress/sadness, but I'm trying not to do that this time.
I'm taking one or two days off a week, try to be outside, do sport, read, be social, etc.
This upcoming week I have a work trip, so that's going to involve me alone in a hotel room. And some social gatherings with a lot of edging risk. I need to work throughout the week to be mentally prepared for that.

Viking

 

[the_land_before_time]

Hi @viking1234. Love that you're trying to achieve better life balance, I feel you! And, good luck with the work trip. Completely get it, a few of my historic relapses have happened in those "empty" moments of decompression in the hotel room after a full day of work and the excitement of being alone somewhere new. Now, when this situation arises, on my way back from a busy day, I try to consciously think of all the other "nice" things I might indulge in, before arriving in my hotel room!

 

[viking1234]

Thanks for the comment, @the_land_before_time . I will try to do so. I know that trying not to be in the hotel room doesn't help, since at some point I will be alone in the room - if even to sleep.

Today is day 6.
Yesterday was a bit sad - my mom told me she might not be visiting again (she lives very very far away) because she has trouble walking.
I am sad for her, obviously. What bothered me the most is that I got frustrated because that means I might have to travel more often to see my parents, so that puts quite a bit of pressure on me! Specially since I don't like traveling there.
I guess impermanence is everywhere. No way of stopping time. After being angry/sad for a while, I'll try to accept it - there's no way around that. And the travel might not be so bad in the end. That's life, I guess.

Today I'm still a bit off because of that talk with my parents yesterday, I think. Trying to get things done today before the work trip on thursday, so I'll be focusing a lot on assignments. Hopefully I can spend time with my partner, she was working the whole day yesterday.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 8.
A few hard days. I think I finished one big assignment today. I say 'I think' because they are the kind of work you just can keep working on, improving. But I hope it's enough to pass, and since it's pass/fail, that should be OK. This assignment has been throwing me down quite a bit, and I feel I want to quit. That has been a major cause for relapse before - some stressor in my daily life, and then boom, I feel I'm not good enough, not worth it -> relapse.
Tomorrow I'm going on a work trip until Sunday. Also a major trigger - being all by myself. I won't take my PC with me, but only my tablet, which is usually better at blocking. Plus it has a scheduled block, after 21 hs no more browsing. My partner has the code for that.

Not going through a great time right now, but I guess if I really want to change a pattern that has been in me for the past 15+ years, that's the way it goes...

Thanks for listening,
viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 9.
Flying today.
My mental place is not good, I only keep thinking that I am lost and don't know what to do with my life... I'm quite sure it's the withdrawal talking right now, not my real self. It wants to feel very real though. Just trying not to listen to my brain right now.
Should be a nice work trip with a lot of nice colleagues, so I'll try to focus on that. And to avoid any objectifying of women.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 11.
So far so good. Managed to sleep OK even if the hotel is right by some train tracks. Lot of program, so not much time alone, luckily. Unfortunately, lots of women too. I'm trying not to think too much about it. Could also chat a bit with other people studying what I study, and they are also quite stressed because the workload is just too much. It was very reassuring to know I'm not alone. As it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one struggling with PMO.
Longing for peace.
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0.
Relapsed twice last night. Feeling pretty disappointed.
It was just so hard, I was at a party and there were lots of girls with gala dresses. It was very triggering. I came back to my room, couldn't sleep because it was hard to disconnect since I've been working the whole weekend, then started trying to bypass my blockers, and after one hour I unfortunately managed. The rest is history.

Need more accountability in high risk situations such as this. And I should have had a plan for yesterday night, the 'coming back'... if anybody could imagine being an accountability partner, I would very much need one right now I think.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 3.
I'm working for school again. Cannot really understand that I just handed in one assignment! That's amazing! Now only one big one to go, then to catch up on a subject.

I've bought a new router because internet was very slow at our new place. Have to properly set it up, and there's good and bad news. It's in another room, so amazing! I'll just randomise a password and lock it in a safe. No changing the router. Bad news is until it's properly set up, there are no restrictions. So I have to be very careful the next day. I'm OK so far, in a good mood, and really really want to change. But I know the time will come when it doesn't really matter how much goodwill I have, I will be tempted. And no matter how much blocking there is, I could fall. I'm an addict.

Therefore I want to meditate today, to pick up my spiritual work, and to accept that I cannot control this, as much as my addict brain wants me to believe that.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 5.
A bit of mood swings yesterday. It was not easy. I decided I'm going to be selling my tablet when my new dumb/little smart phone arrives. That way I have even less possibility of relapse. But again, I know that I cannot control anything. I am an addict and I am powerless over P.

Going to take off this weekend, finally I'll be able to rest a bit. Hopefully meditate and do some spiritual work too.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 11.
Sorry that I've been a bit away... I handed in my last assignment today. And had a great talk with a counsellor, which helped me calm down a bit. I've been clean so far, some ups and downs, and I feel the worst days are about to come... a lot of P flashes and mood swings lately. Yesterday I was feeling absolutely terrible, no joy in anything, today everything is bright again. I bought an e-ink phone that has Android (need some parking etc apps) so I'm going to ask my partner to block the app store with a password. I hope that's enough!

Still going at it,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0. Had a small relapse this morning (or last night, very late).
For a reason, I decided to stay up late a bit and try to work on a phone I had bricked a while ago.
I think deep down, the reasons are that I really wanted to use that phone to relapse. I got my new e-ink phone, but some apps are not working properly so that pissed me off. I sent an email to the company to ask for guidance or a possible refund.

Anyhow, the day was a bit complicated - we were watching a series and suddenly there was full on nudity, and I think that really triggered me. Then we had some friends over, which was nice and finally I felt a bit 'socially normal'. But that ended up also being somewhat triggering, since there were some pretty girls involved.

I should have just had some breathing exercises and gone to bed, but I couldn't. Had had a coffee and thought 'whatever, it's Saturday', and that was it. In a bit I was trying to bypass all my filters. And after a long while (one hour, give or take) I succeeded.

Some PM but no O. I eventually got really sad and thought 'wtf am I doing with my life', had a small existential crisis and slept. Ended up sleeping really badly. Woke up angry, disappointed, you name it.

But you know, as usual. I think for the past months I've been solidifying things a tiny bit, getting longer streaks, being more radical in the fact that I don't want any device that would allow me to relapse. So I guess if I keep banging my head against the wall, at some point I'll break it (the wall, I mean...). So I don't feel great about it, but I know recovery isn't linear, is more like a super complicated equation. And I just have to be patient and play the long game.

So I'm not letting my day counter get the best out of me. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see. One day at a time.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Aggh, I f+d up, guys.
Day 0 again.
I came home and was home alone. Internet not working so I had to use my landlord's router, which has no password... and no blocking.
After that, I created a bunch of friction layers on my laptop too, to be able NOT to bypass that again. And I'm thinking about telling one of my best friends, to try to get some accountability.

Anyhow - someday, I hope, this will be OK? It caught me totally by surprise. Like I didn't have any reasoning faculties.
Viking

 

[jonazo91]

It caught me totally by surprise. Like I didn't have any reasoning faculties.

This is often how it feels for me too. It comes out of nowhere, but then feels totally inevitable. Or not even inevitable, it’s just that suddenly I want to relapse more than I want anything else. Suddenly I’m like “I’m doing this, and I’m happy I’m doing this because it’s what I want to do, I don’t care what I’ll think later.”

 

[viking1234]

This is often how it feels for me too. It comes out of nowhere, but then feels totally inevitable. Or not even inevitable, it’s just that suddenly I want to relapse more than I want anything else. Suddenly I’m like “I’m doing this, and I’m happy I’m doing this because it’s what I want to do, I don’t care what I’ll think later.”

Absolutely. This, 100%. Like I was working so hard through 14 days-ish, then all of a sudden - THIS is what I want most in my life. But not really, because once I did it, I feel like an absolute terrible human being. Tells you how much our brains are f'd up.

Day 3 today.
Ups and downs, as usual during the first few days. Not feeling wow - a bit of anhedonia.
I want to think I'll just carry on, day after day, doing what I'm doing. But I'm obviously doing something wrong, since I keep relapsing. Or am I? Might be the illusion that I still can actually control this? Do I need to pray more? Do I need to be more prepared? Have no internet at all? (sometimes I do yearn after a time when there was no internet. Life was simpler, I feel...)

I have to accept there will come a point where my brain will tell me - 'do this, now is the time, you want this more than anything'. And I have to find out HOW IN THE WORLD I can avoid falling again.

Viking