To always start again

[viking1234]

Day 4.
I was searching a bit just now for some adult content. Not good. No matter the amount of blocking, I need to get rid of the edging, that's the worst. The two counters used at SPAA make sense. One for PMO, one for edging. Still, I won't reset my counter. I closed my web browser, got up and now I figured I'd rather post and close the computer or go do something else.

Partner is sick at home, so our plans were cancelled. Now I have some free alone time, since she's resting, and that can be really bad.
It started nicely, with just a tea and a book. Really inspiring book - Walden, by Thoreau. Makes me feel I need to do a lot of spiritual work. Heck, the book itself is like doing spiritual work.

I wonder if I can take that peaceful moment and just expand it. That's all I want in my life - no more thinking about P or doing something I hate, just enjoying the moment. No guilt, no shame. Having accepted past guilt and past shame. Will do some sport now to clear my head.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 6.
Trying to hold on. A bit of P flashes yesterday and today. I really really really want to watch some. I try to have my tablet with very little battery, then there's no chance of relapse. A bit tired and stressed - exam period coming, and a lot of things going on... felt really lonely this weekend. My partner is amazing, don't get me wrong, but I really miss my friends. Tried making new ones, but even if we've been here for a while, scandinavian culture is really tough for making friends. Maybe it's the age now? Like I write to people and they never answer. Sometimes they have too much to do, others they're overwhelmed, some of my friends have children already and no time. I wonder what happens with time. Are we just letting it go by, focusing on the wrong things?

Had some self-pity moments, but I try to keep them to a minimum. Doesn't help. Self-compassion, on the other side, does.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0.
Didn't fully relapse, but I'm still resetting my counter. I had some time home alone, plus a device that doesn't work so well. My new phone is coming tomorrow, and even if it'll take a bit of setup it should harden the blockers/internet quite a bit since I'm going to be using GrapheneOS.

I feel like the days go by very slowly. Had a good day at uni. Exams are coming, so a bit stressed. I have to pray and work spiritually, accepting this disease and that I have no control over it, that's the only way forward. Otherwise the stress will take me. It didn't take me by surprise this time, but I couldn't hold it off either. I was a bit more conscious of what I was doing, so I managed to stop, even if after a while.

Have to remind myself that it's not worth it. Just for a moment.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0, unfortunately.
Watched some because ... no reason.
I was home alone. I have a tablet I'm trying to sell. But nobody is buying it yet. Or to be fair - I put it on sale this morning, obviously nobody is buying it yet. I'm scared it will not be sold for a while, then I'm stuck with a potentially dangerous relapse device at home, since I performed a factory reset in order to sell it. No blockers, nothing - just need to 'set it up'. I managed to stop after a while, if that's worth it.

Anyhow, it's stupid. Today is an important day in my life, for personal reasons, and I f* it up with this. However, I choose not to spend too much time rummaging about and having self pity. It is what it is - it's a disease I cannot control. I need to pray and be spiritually sound in order to stop much earlier - just before it happens.

Good news is I have a new phone with GrapheneOS. Completely blocked, no workarounds. GF has password for app installation AND settings. So don't have an excuse to trick that. PC is secure too. The tablet is the only thing remaining. Hopefully when that's gone it'll be better. I will have to go through withdrawal once. Just once. And then see what the other side is like.

Funny we keep repeating behaviours we know for a fact go against everything we want to build and be in this life. The dopamine chemistry is insane :/

I can be the man I want to be. I have to set myself to that. Be a viking.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0. Full relapse.
A very triggering day - partner is not feeling great, I was out working the whole day, and today's the national day where I live. So a lot of pretty girls going around in pretty dresses. And then I was home alone.

I'm trying very hard to sell my tablet but so far no answer. If I don't get any answer I might just give it to a retailer for a lower price, but that's worth not relapsing. Because that's literally the last device I have lying around. My PC uses nextDNS and the pwd is in a safe at home. Yes, theoretically I could open the safe, get the password and unlock it, but I've put in a lot of friction into that. My phone uses nextDNS too, cannot turn it off. Settings are PIN blocked by my GF. So yeah, I hope this could 'solve' my easy relapse problem.

Obviously this is just an illusion of control. The real work is in my head. Not giving in as I did today.
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 6.
Lot of things this week, so I didn't have enough time to post.
We had to have some repairs at our place, some car stuff needed attention, exams, work...
Even if I'm tired, luckily that meant NO chance for anything. Plus I have sold my tablet, so the only two 'smart' devices on my house are now my PC and my smartphone. Both use nextDNS and are kind of hard to bypass. Have blocked app installation on phone, GF holds PIN. On PC, same - I've taken down user permissions and have the pwd on a safe, written down in paper. It's a long random pwd.

I hope all of that gives me the strength I need.

Emotionally, some ups and downs this week. More and more I don't like people and I prefer animals. But on the other side, we are social humans, and need that contact. I'm often a bit lonely here, and I'm not sure if it's the withdrawal, the age, the place, or me, but either people don't have time to do things, are overworked, don't answer, don't propose anything.... Everybody has problems somehow, which is fair enough. And nowadays it feels like we live in bubbles - each has headphones and don't you dare talking to somebody. My family is far away, which doesn't help. And I can see how they age much more, since we only see each other maybe once a year. And that's a big maybe.

On the other side, my relationship with my partner is only improving. We're tolerating each other more than before, and taking more time for us

I sincerely hope that we all can find our way in this universe, and be content with what we have in our lives. We need that more than getting more stuff and achieving more things.

Thanks for listening,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 7.
Not feeling too well today, I think I might be getting a bit sick. Also, missing home and feeling quite lonely. I was supposed to meet some people today, but ended up not going to if I don't feel physically OK... specially because the plan was to do some sport outside in the rain.

Lately my mind has been racing a lot, and questioning absolutely everything. I feel bored and nothing quite scratches the itch. I feel edgy, like nobody tells me what I want to hear. Sad. Missing my childhood years.

I attribute all of this to withdrawal. I'm trying not to think too much about why I get all these thoughts, but it's certainly showing that something in me is changing. I hope that with time, I'll be able to forgive myself. Who am I if I'm normal and not struggling to deal with this? It's pretty much uncharted territory.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 10.
Had a really long day today. One big exam, then work until now. I'll pick up my partner with the dog now then home again and to sleep.
All in all, it was a nice day, even if I didn't sleep too well. The past few days I've had some intrusive porn thoughts, and today I felt like watching some. Luckily it's very hard to bypass any device right now. But I don't want to try that, because I know that everything is somehow reversible if I spend enough time with it.

The other day I was exhausted, don't know what happened. Energy is back. Today some temptations at work, I don't to go much into it, but I managed to look away or try to just leave the room. It feels hard to regain trust in oneself and in one's worth. Sometimes I think of how much I've hurt myself with this and I just cry.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0, unfortunately.
Just relapsed. For the past few days I've been edging a bit, staying in the sofa 40 min - 1h trying to find some unblocked website on my smartphone. Until I did. And today I found two big loopholes, which I'm not going to go into here to not give any ideas. One of them involves the phone, one is a misconfiguration of my PC. I have found solutions already, both involving network level blocking and rewriting the script on my PC.

I do realise though that my smartphone is going to be my biggest temptation when traveling, because I'm not going to be able to cover that loophole outside of my home network

So I'm going to have to live with that. Maybe after my exams I'll tinker around a bit and see if I find something better.

Not feeling great, but I did have a two week streak. I started having thoughts of the kind 'now you've done one exam today, you should have some reward. Relax. Watch some'. They're very hard to accept or counteract.

However, I'm not going to lose my motivation now. I'll have to meditate more than ever!

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1.
Bit of an 'errands' day. Nice weather, which helps the mood. Got some things done that needed attending to. Now I'm going to chill for the rest of the evening. A bit stressed because of the exam on Friday and tired because I had to wake up early. But I know that will pass. I'm trying to take things more lightly.

I luckily found a perfect patch for the phone problem. However, I know that I can always unblock the internet with a password written on a paper inside a safe. It might take some time, but it *is* possible. So I'm scared of the weekend - I'll be home alone for some days, and that is always quite triggering, specially after a stressful Friday. I have to be very mindful and try not to have much 'spare' time. I don't 'deserve a rest' in _that_ sense. I will need to get some sleep this weekend though

Viking

 

[the_land_before_time]

Good luck with your exam and the prep! Stay strong and away from the temptation, reminding yourself that despite all the blockers you might enforce, the choice is still yours. It's your choice not to watch porn! You can do it.

 

[viking1234]

Thanks, @the_land_before_time .
I actually have day 1 today. Had a slip yesterday - I was feeling a bit sick after a vaccine and lonely, so I ended up relapsing.
Don't feel great about it, but I feel I'm carrying so much weight right now. I've been wanting to quit porn for the past 10+ years, and I feel completely unworthy of anything since I cannot manage this. I try to tell myself that it's a disease and that it's chemistry, but it's hard not to ruminate.

Tomorrow I'll have a quick review and then give myself time to rest and relax. I put in some hard work throughout the semester, so I want to be well rested for Friday. On top of things - it's just an exam! God, I'm freaking out for a small thing...

Somehow with this exam, the pain this addiction has caused me has resurfaced a bit. Today I'm feeling a bit of existential angst and general anxiety. I really wonder who I am, when I don't have to deal with all of this. I think there's somewhere a kind, good person inside. At least that's what I'd like to find. Maybe that person is there, it's just a matter of accepting the stains... We're human, after all, even if my perfectionist brain would like something different.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0.
Woke up with a bit of a cold and absolutely crushed after yesterday's exam + work day.
I feel a bit on the verge of exhaustion. I don't think it's a burnout, even if I'm always scared of that. I think it's my body's way of telling me I pushed myself a bit too hard.

One of the reasons I'm studying is so that my partner and I can eventually move, and that puts a huge amount of pressure on me, unfortunately. I'm now missing only one (easier) exam next friday, so I can take at least three - four days to rest.

Even if it is day 0, I feel very proud because I just told one of my best friends about this addiction, and I have a feeling that might help a lot. He was very understanding, as he usually is, and offered all his support. I'm happy and grateful to have friends as him.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1.
Slept a lot, again. Even if I'm sneezing like crazy, feeling a bit better today. I still feel a bit weird if I sit at my desk, like I'm not entirely on the right headspace to work again. I might take tomorrow off as well.

No urges today so far. Did some things in the house and chilled, mostly. Everything feels 'meh' though, like I can't find real pleasure in things anymore. I guess it's because of PMO, and it's my brain resetting its baseline, yet again.

I'll do some light exercise now and rest.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 2.
Last night I didn't sleep so well. It might be the fact that I had a bit of a late coffee at around 16/17, and that usually throws me off a bit. I was lying around in bed and had some 'maybe you should just watch some' thoughts... I didn't heed that call.

Today I woke up and did some yoga, and it felt amazing. But then I sat down to study for my last exam on friday, and unfortunately it's getting harder and harder... I feel that every time I sit down to study, my brain just refuses any more information. Deep down I'm awaking to a feeling that I'm refusing because I don't want to do it actually - only the money and the job security attracted me in the first place. I am not enjoying the road and I feel I'm pushing it a bit. However, it's hard to say if it's porn induced anhedonia or just that I don't really like it.

So I'm trying to keep it cool and not think too much about it. I found an alternative career path I might like to explore - it's much less secure, I might have trouble finding a job, but I think I might better achieve what I want: to help out, to work with and for people, and to find some kind of balance and peace in my life. I decided to give me at least at month for my brain to heal so that I actually can take this decision on a not so withdrawal/recovery shifted chemistry. And considering this decision is hugely important, I really really want to focus on that this time!

This huge 'career path' decision occupies every minute of my life and it's kind of hard not to think about it. I have a psychologist appointment later today to help me calm down and sort that out a bit.

I have some sadness waves hitting me hard every now and then - I know it's a bit of withdrawal, but I feel some very shitty self talk lurking there as well, like 'you will change paths yet again?', 'you're a failure, cannot deal with anything', etc etc... So I'm being very gentle with myself and I'm trying not to listen.

Thanks,
Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0 today.
Had a nice 9 day streak, but acted out today. The reasons were mostly boredom and a petty fight with my partner. It goes like this: thanks to porn, I have a high libido. I fall into the classic addicted belief of "sex is my most basic need. If I don't get THAT fulfilled, I cannot carry on living". My partner is struggling with ADHD, a shoulder injury and family stuff, so sex is *clearly* not on her list right now. Then I push it a bit, even unconciously, and then we fight because I always want some and she doesn't. I have to finally understand that this is not her fault - none at all! It's how my addicted belief system wants me to be.

I've done a lot of meditating the past 10 days, much more than I ever before have done in my life. I'm reading about buddhism, which I sympathise a lot with, and also started doing more yoga, like three/four times a week, and harder/tougher yoga than before. So I felt much more in balance until today. I don't think I can lose that with this relapse. I'm reading Pema Chodron's "When things fall apart", and absolutely recommend it. Basically the premise is "stare into the pain and suffering (and guilt, I might add), accept it, breath through it. Be kind to yourself."

I sincerely believe that the path out of this is self-compassion, so today I decide not to fall down into the guilt spiral I usually fall down into after a relapse. I'm not broken, I'm human. This, too, shall pass.

Viking

 

[the_land_before_time]

Keep it up Viking! Good thing to focus on all the positive stuff that's happened over the last 9 days.

 

[viking1234]

Today is day 3.
Thanks @the_land_before_time !
I had a rough time the past few days, with a slip or two. This ADHD thing is driving me nuts - I get frustrated and relapse out of spite, anger, etc... Petty fights happen very often, sometimes without reason. She says "she has a hard time living with someone". Even after 7 years...

Anyhow, I hope the diagnose is not too far away. Hopefully within the next month or so. But I feel it's putting a huge strain on the relationship. And my pressuring her the past years, when we didn't even know this thing existed, has 100% made it worse and left her feeling that she's constantly being judged. That is my fault and it makes me very sad.

I feel it's just a matter of waiting for a bit until things calm down. She has a lot going on and it must be rough for her. I don't have to think only about me!

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 1 today.
Haven't been around much lately, sorry for that.
Had a work trip, it went well, but that involved staying in hotels _alone_ for a couple of days. Not good, so I relapsed twice.

The situation with my partner has worsened a bit, we were very close to break up, but managed to repair. We realised we both have some bad dynamics we've been carrying for years, and this whole "there might be some ADHD involved" thing made a huge impact on both of us. We're both open to working on it and want us to succeed, which is nice.

Relapsed again yesterday - I decided to block everything on my phone - no factory reset, no safe mode, no browser, no new app installation and I have to wait for two days to 'approve' apps. Nuclear option, but I clearly need it. Today I'm feeling OK. Have quite a bit of holidays now, probably light work at some point, but for now to rest. It's hard, I want to already do "productive" things, so I'm trying not to. Meditating, yoga, gaming, reading, etc. I have to learn to actually *have* (and enjoy) some free time.

Viking

 

[viking1234]

Day 0 today.
Been kind of down for the past few days. I'm on holidays, which means lots of free time. Unfortunately staying up late for world cup matches doesn't help...
Hopefully I can get back on track. Always finding new things to block - apps, programs, websites. You name it.

Starting over again.
Viking