To always start again

[particularly_respecting]

Damn sorry to hear that brother - but you're back here posting about it so I think you have the drive within you to succeed

For your question about urges, I think there are different stages
We are like castles. Castles have many layers of defenses
Maybe you know you tend to relapse when you're alone
So try not to be alone - go out to a cafe or to the park or gym or whatever
This is the first layer of defense - the archers on the wall

Now maybe you are alone late at night, so the first defense has been breached
So you make a rule that when you have start to feel urges you phone your partner or play with a pet or take a cold shower or listen to an anti-porn podcast
This is the second layer of defense - the moat around the castle

But maybe you have done all that - but you still have urges
Now it is an emergency - the first and second defenses have been breached
You are under siege and the invaders are closing in
So you have blockers, you come on here and post, you make consequences (if I relapse I'll donate x money to x political party I don't like, etc.), you put your phone and your wifi router in a locked box - whatever it takes
These are your final layers of defense - throwing rocks down at invaders and fighting in the courtyard
Fight tooth and nail to protect your castle - you owe it to yourself!

I went off on one there - maybe I've been watching too much GoT
Don't know if it's helpful at all. I talk big but I'm struggling with exactly the same addiction
Just trying to send some support!

 

[Blondie]

Hey Viking, great job on an 8 day streak! If that is one of your longest streaks, you should be jumping up and down in regards to that. This is a great achievement, and something that has been done once, can be easily done again. That's the beauty of counting streaks and knowing how long your longest one was; thus when your brain starts playing tricks on you, you can tell it to fuck off, because you know what it's telling you is BS.

In regards to what to do when feeling urges, the advice of particularlyrespecting is good. I would also recommend the philosophy which comes from an old post that someone wrote years ago (that I'm too lazy at the moment to link), that has been extremely beneficial to me. In its simplest form, the message is this: Porn is not an option. Well, you might be thinking, what the hell does this mean Blondie? I'm glad you asked, It means this; just as fucking your best friend's wife or girlfriend is not an option for you (no matter how hot or tempting she might be), you must think of looking at porn in the exact same way. Let's carry this thought experiment even further shall we. Would you fuck your hot cousin? Of course you wouldn't. Well, why not? Because that's simply not an option, or at least I hope it's not! This is all a mind game of course, but at least speaking for myself, it's a mind game that has been very beneficial. When you begin to look at porn in this way, you don't feel tempted anymore, in fact, you don't have to "fight off the urges" at all, because looking at porn is simply not on the table of options for you. You would never hear me say, "Dude, I'm really having urges to fuck my cousin right now!" lol. Hell, just writing that, makes me want to puke! But that's the whole point I'm getting at. When you decide to put porn in that same category, "fighting the urges", doesn't even make any sense anymore!

I hope this helps in some way. Keep up the good work!

 

[viking1234]

Thanks guys. I'll try both I liked that about it's not an option.
Day 1 today. A bit nervous how fit I'll be for tonight... Have a long commute and a difficult job this evening, and quite out of shape after covid. I'm trying to stay positive.
Taking one day at a time.
Cheers
viking1234

 

[viking1234]

Day 3 today.
Was a bit busy/lazy yesterday to post an update.
Monday went much better than what I expected, which made me really happy. Fitness is not 100% there, but coming back
A bit worried now because my freelancing in music is not enough for me to make a living, plus I have so much free time and I have no idea what to do or how to keep my career growing. And I'm a bit tired of that: never regular payments (and badly paid in general), cancellations, no salary during summer, extremely difficult to find a job, etc. etc.
On the other side, taking a fix job will mean less time for music, which is what I love. But the security that comes with that would be amazing. Plus I don't know how to keep developing my music career either way... it'd be just waiting for a good position to open up.

Regarding PMO, I'm trying to think 'it's not an option' every time I even think about M... Seems to be working so far, but now I realise more and more how much I use PMO for covering up all that bothers me in daily life, like this doing what I love but not earning enough vs. earning OK but not doing what I love. In the end, PMO doesn't take that feeling away - it even makes everything worse, because then I feel bad, ashamed and sh*t ON TOP of everything else... I need to remember that. Every. Second.

At least it's sunny and beautiful outside
I need to stay focused and remember the power of this thing.
Cheers!
viking1234

 

[viking1234]

What I feared happened for about 10 minutes: watched some P. Even if I was thinking 'this is not an option, this is not an option', I ended up watching some naked girls for around 10 minutes, then I luckily remembered what is important in life and closed everything without finishing. I'm counting it as a relapse but it doesn't feel like one. Have to be careful now not to think 'Oh well, I've relapsed already, why not....?'

 

[particularly_respecting]

'Oh well, I've relapsed already, why not....?'

Yeah this way of thinking is really dangerous
I've set myself back so often in the past - succumbed in a moment of weakness, then threw days and weeks away
Like dinging your car and thinking f**k it, it's scratched now, and totaling the whole thing

You're doing great - I feel you have the will within you to succeed. Stay strong brother!

 

[viking1234]

Bad news today as well. I got home quite late, was working the whole day, and ended up relapsing. Feeling pretty shit right now. It's like I have no awareness of anything when I get in that mode, I just cannot stop. Need to have more time to meditate and make sure I think what's important in life.
Still going I guess...
Viking1234

 

[particularly_respecting]

Damn, sorry to hear about the relapse @viking1234
But you can use it as an opportunity to think about your triggers
I guess working late, it sounds like? So you can be extra vigilant when that happens

But great work coming straight back and posting about it
I am positive you have it within you to make this change

 

[viking1234]

Day 2 today.
Day 1 went by fine - With the long commute I don't have time for really anything and I'm not home, which is good. Mostly good mood and confident yesterday. I need to learn to just turn the phone off after a certain hour. Now's the time to fight!
Cheers
viking1234

 

[viking1234]

Day 3 today.
Day 2 was OK - quite tired so ended up going to bed at once.
Today is really hard - I know it's early, but I'm kind of feeling a flat line... like no enjoyment at anything I do. The job I usually like is feeling like boring and repetitive. I began to learn how to code a few months ago to hopefully in the future complement my career as an artist (even if I have two freelancing jobs the income is a bit under what I'd like), but it also feels like 'meh'.
Like a general feeling that I lack a purpose in life. And I feel those mood swings: some days everything is nice and beautiful and some days it's 'meh'. Even if I'm living a transition in my life, I feel this is probably due to PMO withdrawal.
Was quite tempted to go back to PMO, but it's. not. an. option.
Plus I've been reading a lot about dopamine and addiction and for sure I'll never be happy if I don't get out of this dopamine circle.

GOTTA BE STRONG.

Cheers,
viking1234

 

[viking1234]

Damn... I was planning to write an update for the last days and then a lot of things happened at once.
Day 0 today. I relapsed after an 8 day streak. Mostly because of anger.
I fought with my GF (all good now, after the fight the relationship is much better and we talked through a lot of important stuff) then with my parents (dad is being extremely difficult right now, talked it through with my mom) and then apparently and without noticing I over exerted myself so I got a bit of post covid again...
All this together made me very angry at the world & people and I just couldn't handle it anymore so I ended up PMO. Doesn't feel better.
Happy about the 8 day streak though, that's the second! And this was much easier than the first one
Let's keep up!

Cheers,
viking1234

 

[viking1234]

Had a couple of hard days...
I'm a bit down because it's proving quite hard to find a 2nd job, and I don't know where to go with my life.
Yesterday I ended up watching some but not doing anything. I'm counting it as a relapse.
I'm lately quite confused with my life, not knowing where to go, not enjoying anything and feeling like shit very often. Hopefully that'll change soon enough, I have an interview next week

Hoping for better days....
Day 1 today.
Cheers
viking1234

 

[particularly_respecting]

I'm lately quite confused with my life, not knowing where to go, not enjoying anything and feeling like shit very often. Hopefully that'll change soon enough, I have an interview next week

Hope the interview goes well - you got this!

Are you able to take a few days away from your current routine?
Go camping somewhere, go stay in a hotel, or visit friends or family in a different city, etc.?
I've found that helpful in the past when I want to reassess my situation and make big decisions

Please keep us updated on your journey - always good to read about someone else's struggle with the same addiction

 

[viking1234]

Hey guys!
Sorry for not showing up lately. Easter, I guess, so we've been home a lot.
I can proudly say I'm in day 5.
Feeling really bad though - depressed as f, not being able to sleep too well, tired, feeling hopeless and like not knowing what I'm doing in this world. The thing is... I don't know if this is me going through a life crisis, me after corona or just withdrawal symptoms.
Even with the reboots I've had last two months, I can feel I've been watching a lot less P and that my body is kind of readjusting to it. I honestly don't feel anything at all, not even sex attracts me.
Let's just hope the depression goes away soon enough. It's terrible!

Cheers
viking1234

 

[Oxo21]

Hey! New here...
Had tried using nofap before, with some results, but somehow the partners I found over there would go after a few days/weeks OR I'd relapse, get frustrated and just stop posting NOT NOW!
My story:
Around 30 years old, expat living in Norway, musician. In a couple for the past 4 years with someone I deeply love. Masturbating since I'm maybe 15/16, P started only when I was older... maybe 20/21? Had times where I'd do it only once a month, but for the past 7/8 years it's been 4 days. A month ago I managed to get to 7 days and I almost did 10, but never got to that.
P makes me really sad and I know it's the reason I don't get pleasure out of life anymore. I love my job and I used to enjoy so much the little things in life. I still do, but it's somehow different... So I want to change that! But somehow my brain doesn't accept that and thinks the only thing I need is P....
I cannot complain, I have everything I want in my life. I'd make me very happy to succeed in this aspect more than anything.
So this is day 0, for the 139086081360 time!
Thanks for listening,
viking1234

PS. Oh, and would be cool to have some accountability partners in this forum

This is my day 1 of 90 in my no porn challenge. I'd be happy to have accountability partners as well

 

[viking1234]

This is my day 1 of 90 in my no porn challenge. I'd be happy to have accountability partners as well

For sure. I'll visit your diary then

 

[viking1234]

Day 8 today. The last days I haven't been thinking much about PMO, since I've been so up and down with corona. Ended up going to the doctor, physiotherapist, etc. All good, I just need to rest and then when I come back to activity don't bury myself with work but take it slowly...
Sadness is a bit better, I've been receiving lots of work opportunities lately. Socially I've reached out more, trying to make friends in the new town
I might not be in the best shape yet and post covid recovery is going to take a while but I'm certainly getting better. And 8 days makes me happy again. I'll celebrate when I break the 10 day barrier though.

Cheers,
viking1234

 

[Blondie]

Nice job my man! And I'm glad you're feeling better.

 

[viking1234]

Absolute milestone today. 10 DAYS!
I'm very happy to have reached this stage.
Post covid effects coming and going... an extreme tiredness comes at times and the uncertainty of waking up and not knowing if I'm going to have enough energy to work is certainly stressful, but I'm still trying to keep my hopes up
Working again tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. Not thinking much about PMO lately. Only kind of "flashes". And I'm getting my morning erections back (plus a wet dream, which hadn't happened in a while).
We'll keep going!
Cheers
viking1234

 

[Blondie]

Good to see you making progress Viking!