To always start again

viking1234

Member
Hi guys.
Day 2 today. I relapsed on Tuesday out of stress - I had slept very little, traveled a lot and was overworked. Suddenly PMO was an idea :(
Good things about this time:
-I didn't relapse twice, as it usually happens in such a day.
-I'm becoming super aware of how I cannot deal with these uncomfortable feelings. Not just PMO but also in daily life it's like I cannot handle the minimum stress/discomfort. Unfortunately as much as I think it's not an option, the urges come strong. Next time I PROMISE myself I'll just stare at the feeling a bit more. I might fall, who knows, but I'll stare in its face and hold the unpleasant feeling. As the buddhists say, no judgement, and then hopefully it'll pass away. If I happen to fall, I'll keep stretching that stare so that in the end I can come through the urge.
I know if I solve this, I have it!
On the other side, I saw a video of an urologist the other day. She proposed putting a colour and an animal to the urge feeling, kind of "minimizing" it. Then you can say "oh yeah, that's the yellow rhinoceros again". Sounds like worth a shot.
Cheers,
viking1234
 

viking1234

Member
Hey guys.
Bad news today.
This past seven days I relapsed twice, and today is day one again. To be honest, I haven't been actively doing much against this, and I don't know why. I feel as usual - very disappointed with myself right now.

I want a change but it has to be me the one who changes. Funny, right? It's in my power to do this!
Cheers
Viking
 

viking1234

Member
Day 3 today.
Had a wet dream last night. Funny that it had to been with pornstars, you can tell how f+cked up my brain is.
Lots of work this weekend, hopefully that'll keep me distracted. Some P urges/flashes here and there, not giving up.

Cheers
viking
 

viking1234

Member
Hey guys...
I'm sorry I've been away so long. It was plenty I had to deal with last week. Had a loooong job trip, and I'm finally done with the long commutes. From now on, it's only in the city I live. And I'm very happy because from the autumn my life will be much more stable not only in terms of commuting but also financially: I got another job!

On the PMO side, not doing to good... Today is day 0 again. Had a few 4 day streaks, but it's like I cannot concentrate with so much going on. Or maybe I'm blaming that? In any case, I'm not doing enough effort. At all. And that's what happens.
From now on, it's much calmer, so I'll force myself to make time to deal with this.

Realised a shitty reasoning I have/do when I'm off: 'Oh, you've worked so hard lately. Just come over here and watch some so you can completely relax...'. WHAT UP!?!

Anyway, I sincerely hope to do better from now on. To have time for myself and concentrate in this.

Hoping for the best, even for the 100th time...
Cheers
viking
 
What's your approach viking? Are you using blockers or not? Do you have a plan?
Hope your recovery is going well and you're on day 1 or 2 now! You got this brother 💪
 

viking1234

Member
I have blockers everywhere. Unfortunately, I found a workaround in the blocker I use and there's no solution for that :( I can't block that.
Approach? I still have the same problem - when the urge comes I have no control whatsoever.
Plan? Don't have one... Thought about doing 10 pushups for every urge.

No good news today - day 0.
Was particularly tempted because my GF and I are sleeping in different rooms (she's sick) so that lead to a bit of PMO...
Also lately the thought 'it's only day 1, why should you bother at all' has been running around in my head.
Today it won.

Weird long weekend.
Starting again tomorrow, trying to get a hold of my life. I have everything I need and still I'm unhappy because of this.
Need to thing more of Maverick and Top Gun and doing the sh+t I want!

Cheers
viking
 

viking1234

Member
Day 3 today.
Day 1 and 2 went by really fast - I honestly cannot remember WTF I did the last two days...
I just opened my typical P website. Immediately closed it. NO! 10 push-ups it is.
Yesterday I visualized how I would feel if I was free from P. It felt amazing.
Need to remember this, every. day.

cheers,
viking
 

viking1234

Member
Hey guys,
Viking reporting from the holidays.
Today is day 9. News regarding PMO are sex with my girlfriend some days ago and a wet dream last night.
Lots of thinking and learning these last few days. I'll probably do a longer post with a bit more time and better WiFi connection...
Feeling a bit the 'cannot enjoy anything at all' flatline, but even if it's really hard I try to feel myself it's good and when it's over it's going to be so damn good.

Cheers,
Viking
 

viking1234

Member
Day 10.
Feeling a lot of mood swings. Is that normal? Like at once I'm completely overwhelmed with reality...
Otherwise trying to balance doing a lot and resting. Feeling really tired lately, maybe I'm beginning to process all the difficulties of the past few months... Plus I'm still really scared of post covid, that that's the reason I'm so tired :( but honestly it's highly improbable. It's just that now we're doing so many more things as what we are actually used to...
Trying to hold it together even though at times I feel like I'm going mad!
Cheers
Viking
 

viking1234

Member
Day 12 today.
Yesterday evening I scrolled through some pics, about 5 min. I'm not counting it as a reboot, though I know I have to be extra careful now.
Luckily reception here is terrible :)
I think the best clue of how serious this is were the mood swings the other day. I really really really need to stop this sh**.

Cheers
Viking
 

viking1234

Member
Day 13 today.
Watched again 5 minutes yesterday. I need to stop that!
It does feel like progress however, considering that I've only browsed through some erotica for around 10 minutes these last two weeks. I'm very proud of myself! I know I'm in very dangerous territory right now. It's been years since my last two weeks streak :eek:
Promise to myself today I'll switch off the phone as soon as I get home tonight.

Cheers
Viking
 

viking1234

Member
Day 13 over.
Had Sex again today. Feel a bit tired at times, still wondering if it's the heat, the holidays, the porn abstinence or what.
I do feel very philosophical and a bit overwhelmed/anxious. At times I have very weird dreams/things coming to my head, even like 2 second short. Somebody had this?

I'll try to meditate more this next week.

Now, switching off!
Cheers
Viking
 

viking1234

Member
Two weeks!
Day 0 today. However, I didn't really relapse. I'm counting from zero again because I played a bit with my dick yesterday and browsed some pics around 10 minutes, but it didn't go further than that.
This is really a huge step for me and I'm happy about that. Even if I'm counting from zero again, it doesn't feel that bad, though I know now it gets difficult... Almost two weeks with maybe 15 minutes pic browsing is far from perfect but it's ages apart from my old me, so I'm starting to feel a bit uneasy and even get flashes of P in my head (out of nowhere) and I'm quite horny all the time. I need to power through and remember the mood swings, the flatline, and all the life this addiction takes away from me.
Cheers
Viking
 

SimonM

Active Member
Yeah. I get the horny all the time! I'm struggling with the same thing, also two weeks in. I just keep coming here when the feeling hits me... so far so good. Keep it up brother!
 

viking1234

Member
Alrighty...
just came back from the holidays.
Day 0 today. Had a relapse after an 11 day streak. Feel a bit bummed, but on the other side, it was another good run.
Now I need to get my head together to make it a longer run. At least 20 days. Will do some travelling the next month, otherwise getting slowly back into the routine.

Hoping for better days.
Cheers!
Viking
 

viking1234

Member
Day 0 again.
The last few days have been pretty shit. Lots of stress with different things, travels, and I've been generally pretty tired, which doesn't help at all when I need to make decisions.
One good decision I took this week: I bought a dumbphone and I'm trying to reduce my smartphone use to a minimum. However, when I travel I usually have it with me... need to figure out how not to do that so I have even less chances of anything. Plus I've cancelled my data plan so I have only calls and SMS. However, there's still Wifi. I did this because I felt the phone was taking just too much time and I wanted to be more present in my life. Hopefully it'll benefit no PMO as well.

Right now pretty disappointed with everything. The next days I'm living together with other people and going back home to my parents to visit so hopefully no PMO for a month :)

Cheers
viking
 

viking1234

Member
Hi everyone,
it's been a long time since I've been here.

Had a bit of a busy one lately - I've been traveling a lot, first a really long stressful course during the summer, then visiting my folks for the past weeks.

Unfortunately I don't have great news... PMO has been on and off lately. I know it's only me to blame. I was even hesitating to come back here and post, I feel such s´+t because I always say it'll be better and then it's not... feeling guilty, ashamed, and hate myself all along. Reading success stories helps at times but other times it's a bit discouraging :( feels such a long way to go!
Best streaks last few days were 4 or 5... today back to 0.

Excuses are I'm visiting the place where I grew up - all my family, friends, etc. Coming back home usually quite late, tired, and with not the best state of mind. Nobody seems to understand where I live now (I moved far away) and how much I've changed - I feel more at home in my new place :) and I'm very happy there! So lots of emotions coming and going plus changed sleeping patterns plus general stress doesn't help when making decisions.

Going back home home this Saturday, so I'm looking forward to that. A bit more order in my life - not that I couldn't live without order, but holiday mode has been ON too long, so I already feel like working and going back to my regular daily life.

Hope on the PMO front things will stabilize soon... to always start again. Not giving up, I guess.

Cheers,
viking
 
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