To begin this story with a small comment: I feel like these days in my life will be a turning point. It´s not easy to describe all that I´ve been trough, but I feel confessing will take some burden of my shoulders.
I am a 29 year old man, educated, good looking. Others describe me as intelligent, but based on things I´ve done in my life, I don´t share their opinion.
At age of 12-14, I was kind of abused from one guy at school. Because I was fat at that time, he would catch me, and touch all over my body, mumbling things like ´´mmm, a fat bitch´´ or something. At that point, I was interested in girls only, no one else saw me as gay or something, only he did things like that. I´m pretty sure, only I don´t know how, this would affect my behaviour in future.
From age 14, I started dating girls, had a couple of long relationships with some sex, but I was not entirely self confident. At age of 16 I started smoking weed and at this point I had already developed a habit of daily porn sessions and masturbating.
As already told in many confessions like this mine, at this point gay thoughts and fantasies started to occur in well known fantasy of placing myself in role of a girl, imagining being used from a guy as a toy, being roughed and bullied. It wasn´t so hard in the beginning, but later it became an obsession.
At age 19, I went to a bigger city in order to study on university, started living on my own, had a full freedom to watch porn, masturbate and smoke weed. This led me to a point where I gathered some courage to experience having sex with men. During this process, I had many short and long relationships with women, so basically I was having two different personalities. Hanging on places like Tinder, many times I arranged a date with a guy, wanting to give him a blowjob, but every time I chickened out and never did it actually. Until one day, when it really happened. It wasn´t so good as I imagined and after I had a huge deal of regret and depression.
Still, I continued this pattern which actually grew further. I started crossdressing, then met more guys, meanwhile dating girls. I had two personalities: one which was masculine, funny, charming for girls and other where I was a sissy boy to older men. No need to explain how frustrating and complicated it was to maintain a normal life under such circumstances. All the time, I had no emotions neither was attracted to a single men, just to their dicks.
Somewhere at that point I developed erectile dysfunction. I would get hard with a woman and start penetrating, but then lose the hardness and feel more then miserable. Despite this, girls were so supporting and always told me to relax, tried everything to make me feel better. This led me to taking thinks like Viagra, which worked for me amazingly, so I used this for next couple of years.
My porn sessions were longer and more intensive as time went by. I watched themes like facial abuse and did these things in real life with guys. Sometimes I would spontaneously make a pause with a couple of days of nofap just so it would be more enjoyable later. This is when I realised that it could be a solution to my regrets of gay experiences, depression because of ED and so on. Of course, I never did it seriously or more then a couple of days. Once I managed to pull of a week, but then had a serious relapse and continued with poisonous habits.
Two years ago I met a girl of my dreams. Younger, pretty, enormously empathetic. My fetishes, HOCD, bisexual side disappeared. Only ED remained.
Now, I am engaged. We will have a wedding in two weeks. I don´t watch porn regularly, every month or two I have a relapse for a couple of days and that is when my ED worsens. But still, it is not the real thing. So now, I would like to finish this thing once for all. Two days ago I started standard version of nofap, so now porn or masturbation, just occasional sex with my wife to be. She is full of understanding and support, but she has no idea of my bisexual and sissy past. She just knows of porn addiction and that I am on the way to cure it.
If you have any thoughts, comments, advice or suggestions, I would really use it. No matter if they are supportive or not. My standard nofap will be at least 90 days, and we agreed, when she gets pregnant, I will do at least 90 days of hard version.
Can this plan work or am I a case where there is no help in long term? (especially regarding ED, but gay issues too)
PS Sorry for my English, it is not my mother tongue.
I am a 29 year old man, educated, good looking. Others describe me as intelligent, but based on things I´ve done in my life, I don´t share their opinion.
At age of 12-14, I was kind of abused from one guy at school. Because I was fat at that time, he would catch me, and touch all over my body, mumbling things like ´´mmm, a fat bitch´´ or something. At that point, I was interested in girls only, no one else saw me as gay or something, only he did things like that. I´m pretty sure, only I don´t know how, this would affect my behaviour in future.
From age 14, I started dating girls, had a couple of long relationships with some sex, but I was not entirely self confident. At age of 16 I started smoking weed and at this point I had already developed a habit of daily porn sessions and masturbating.
As already told in many confessions like this mine, at this point gay thoughts and fantasies started to occur in well known fantasy of placing myself in role of a girl, imagining being used from a guy as a toy, being roughed and bullied. It wasn´t so hard in the beginning, but later it became an obsession.
At age 19, I went to a bigger city in order to study on university, started living on my own, had a full freedom to watch porn, masturbate and smoke weed. This led me to a point where I gathered some courage to experience having sex with men. During this process, I had many short and long relationships with women, so basically I was having two different personalities. Hanging on places like Tinder, many times I arranged a date with a guy, wanting to give him a blowjob, but every time I chickened out and never did it actually. Until one day, when it really happened. It wasn´t so good as I imagined and after I had a huge deal of regret and depression.
Still, I continued this pattern which actually grew further. I started crossdressing, then met more guys, meanwhile dating girls. I had two personalities: one which was masculine, funny, charming for girls and other where I was a sissy boy to older men. No need to explain how frustrating and complicated it was to maintain a normal life under such circumstances. All the time, I had no emotions neither was attracted to a single men, just to their dicks.
Somewhere at that point I developed erectile dysfunction. I would get hard with a woman and start penetrating, but then lose the hardness and feel more then miserable. Despite this, girls were so supporting and always told me to relax, tried everything to make me feel better. This led me to taking thinks like Viagra, which worked for me amazingly, so I used this for next couple of years.
My porn sessions were longer and more intensive as time went by. I watched themes like facial abuse and did these things in real life with guys. Sometimes I would spontaneously make a pause with a couple of days of nofap just so it would be more enjoyable later. This is when I realised that it could be a solution to my regrets of gay experiences, depression because of ED and so on. Of course, I never did it seriously or more then a couple of days. Once I managed to pull of a week, but then had a serious relapse and continued with poisonous habits.
Two years ago I met a girl of my dreams. Younger, pretty, enormously empathetic. My fetishes, HOCD, bisexual side disappeared. Only ED remained.
Now, I am engaged. We will have a wedding in two weeks. I don´t watch porn regularly, every month or two I have a relapse for a couple of days and that is when my ED worsens. But still, it is not the real thing. So now, I would like to finish this thing once for all. Two days ago I started standard version of nofap, so now porn or masturbation, just occasional sex with my wife to be. She is full of understanding and support, but she has no idea of my bisexual and sissy past. She just knows of porn addiction and that I am on the way to cure it.
If you have any thoughts, comments, advice or suggestions, I would really use it. No matter if they are supportive or not. My standard nofap will be at least 90 days, and we agreed, when she gets pregnant, I will do at least 90 days of hard version.
Can this plan work or am I a case where there is no help in long term? (especially regarding ED, but gay issues too)
PS Sorry for my English, it is not my mother tongue.