Complicated story, opinions desirable

Sirius29

New Member
To begin this story with a small comment: I feel like these days in my life will be a turning point. It´s not easy to describe all that I´ve been trough, but I feel confessing will take some burden of my shoulders.

I am a 29 year old man, educated, good looking. Others describe me as intelligent, but based on things I´ve done in my life, I don´t share their opinion.

At age of 12-14, I was kind of abused from one guy at school. Because I was fat at that time, he would catch me, and touch all over my body, mumbling things like ´´mmm, a fat bitch´´ or something. At that point, I was interested in girls only, no one else saw me as gay or something, only he did things like that. I´m pretty sure, only I don´t know how, this would affect my behaviour in future.

From age 14, I started dating girls, had a couple of long relationships with some sex, but I was not entirely self confident. At age of 16 I started smoking weed and at this point I had already developed a habit of daily porn sessions and masturbating.

As already told in many confessions like this mine, at this point gay thoughts and fantasies started to occur in well known fantasy of placing myself in role of a girl, imagining being used from a guy as a toy, being roughed and bullied. It wasn´t so hard in the beginning, but later it became an obsession.

At age 19, I went to a bigger city in order to study on university, started living on my own, had a full freedom to watch porn, masturbate and smoke weed. This led me to a point where I gathered some courage to experience having sex with men. During this process, I had many short and long relationships with women, so basically I was having two different personalities. Hanging on places like Tinder, many times I arranged a date with a guy, wanting to give him a blowjob, but every time I chickened out and never did it actually. Until one day, when it really happened. It wasn´t so good as I imagined and after I had a huge deal of regret and depression.

Still, I continued this pattern which actually grew further. I started crossdressing, then met more guys, meanwhile dating girls. I had two personalities: one which was masculine, funny, charming for girls and other where I was a sissy boy to older men. No need to explain how frustrating and complicated it was to maintain a normal life under such circumstances. All the time, I had no emotions neither was attracted to a single men, just to their dicks.

Somewhere at that point I developed erectile dysfunction. I would get hard with a woman and start penetrating, but then lose the hardness and feel more then miserable. Despite this, girls were so supporting and always told me to relax, tried everything to make me feel better. This led me to taking thinks like Viagra, which worked for me amazingly, so I used this for next couple of years.

My porn sessions were longer and more intensive as time went by. I watched themes like facial abuse and did these things in real life with guys. Sometimes I would spontaneously make a pause with a couple of days of nofap just so it would be more enjoyable later. This is when I realised that it could be a solution to my regrets of gay experiences, depression because of ED and so on. Of course, I never did it seriously or more then a couple of days. Once I managed to pull of a week, but then had a serious relapse and continued with poisonous habits.

Two years ago I met a girl of my dreams. Younger, pretty, enormously empathetic. My fetishes, HOCD, bisexual side disappeared. Only ED remained.

Now, I am engaged. We will have a wedding in two weeks. I don´t watch porn regularly, every month or two I have a relapse for a couple of days and that is when my ED worsens. But still, it is not the real thing. So now, I would like to finish this thing once for all. Two days ago I started standard version of nofap, so now porn or masturbation, just occasional sex with my wife to be. She is full of understanding and support, but she has no idea of my bisexual and sissy past. She just knows of porn addiction and that I am on the way to cure it.

If you have any thoughts, comments, advice or suggestions, I would really use it. No matter if they are supportive or not. My standard nofap will be at least 90 days, and we agreed, when she gets pregnant, I will do at least 90 days of hard version.

Can this plan work or am I a case where there is no help in long term? (especially regarding ED, but gay issues too)

PS Sorry for my English, it is not my mother tongue.
 
D

Deleted member 27008

Guest
Hello, my friend. First of all, congratulations on your confession. Because these are not things that every man can openly say.
Don't take what I'm going to say right now as judging you. That's not my place. I also think that homosexuality is not a normal situation. It may be due to childhood experiences or something else.
As far as I understand from what you said, you describe this orientation as a problem. I think you are uncomfortable with it. Then this shows that you do not have a true orientation and desire. Your disgust and depression after your experiences also show this. This is not your nature, my friend.
I don't know if you have thought of taking any action on this issue, but I think you should. PMO may have fueled this situation, but it seems to be a different problem. You should definitely get professional support in a short time regarding homosexual orientations.
It might be good for you to research a good doctor about this.
If you stay away from pmo, your problems caused by pmo will definitely be solved. The ed issue will definitely be solved. Even in the first few weeks, you will see serious improvements. I am on my 23rd day and you can check my diary. I haven't heard this from anyone.it just takes patience. Development is full of ups and downs. just patience...
I hope you can solve your problems, build a pmo-free life and I hope you can have a happy marriage with your girlfriend, man.
 
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Sirius29

New Member
Hello, my friend. First of all, congratulations on your confession. Because these are not things that every man can openly say.
Don't take what I'm going to say right now as judging you. That's not my place. I also think that homosexuality is not a normal situation. It may be due to childhood experiences or something else.
As far as I understand from what you said, you describe this orientation as a problem. I think you are uncomfortable with it. Then this shows that you do not have a true orientation and desire. Your disgust and depression after your experiences also show this. This is not your nature, my friend.
I don't know if you have thought of taking any action on this issue, but I think you should. PMO may have fueled this situation, but it seems to be a different problem. You should definitely get professional support in a short time regarding homosexual orientations.
It might be good for you to research a good doctor about this.
If you stay away from pmo, your problems caused by pmo will definitely be solved. The ed issue will definitely be solved. Even in the first few weeks, you will see serious improvements. I am on my 23rd day and you can check my diary. I haven't heard this from anyone.it just takes patience. Development is full of ups and downs. just patience...
I hope you can solve your problems, build a pmo-free life and I hope you can have a happy marriage with your girlfriend, man.
Considering I left out a couple of details to shorten the story, you are right.

There were times when I accepted that I can be gay, had no problem with it. I find homosexuality normal, but in my opinion, to be homosexual, you must at least one time in your life have a crush for one specific guy, or at least get hot because of someone. That never happened to me. I tried dating guys many times, but was never attracted to any one of them. Especially bad was when I tried kissing with some of them. All I look and dream of are girls. Every romantic feeling that I ever had was associated with girls only, so that is why I think that I am basically 95% straight.

Unfortunately I live in a conservative country and society, after a couple of attempts to find a good doctor I gave up. No one is educated enough about this subject and couldn't give me any sort of opinion or advice. They were all shocked after I started my story, so I didn't continue.

Another important fact is that a couple of months ago I got arrested because of weed. After that I stopped smoking it and since that my libido is not as strong as when I used to smoke.

I really appreciate your friendly attitude, thank you for all the nice wishes!
 

fapfreezone

Active Member
I can't help you with your reboot, or with what to say to your fiance. I can tell you, though, that I think you could improve your self-esteem. You say you're good-looking and others say you're intelligent, but you don't. This is the first thing that made me think you could use help with self-esteem. The cheap way is to buy a book, the expensive way is talk to a therapist.

I would also say that it's true that many people don't cross-dress or have gay experiences, but who really objects to this in 2022? Surely most people would say you can wear what you want, date who you want and have any sexual orientation you want. So, my advice is don't be ashamed.

Also, you have a fiance. Imagine how different your life would be if you didn't? I read a post on another forum some years back by a guy in a situation a bit like yours, but without the romance. He said he was nearly thirty and had wasted his life working for the man in some cubicle, doing a job he doesn't care about, earning money to buy things he doesn't care about. You don't have this situation. You're not a lonely guy with nothing to live for, you have a purpose - to be a good husband and presumably a good dad. Surely this trumps having a porn problem.
 
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