It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 5

Doing okay. Have not been able to cut down on screen time today, as much as I planned to. Will set a limit for myself for the rest of the day.

I have been thinking a lot today about a website I used to frequent a lot. It’s where I have spent a lot of time the past couple of years, and sort of where I noticed I was getting an issue with ED/DE. That was probably because of the format, a chatroom type of thing. I used to gravitate towards more artistic and less graphic stuff. My brain is working hard to rationalise why I should check it out again, to see if my problem has gotten better. Of course I know that visiting will lead nowhere, and will make my issue worse. A relapse is guaranteed.

I’m trying to turn to other activities when I feel these urges. Hoping that writing about it here will provide some relief as well.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Stay strong DownHill and do what you must to stay clean. That site seems like a porn sub, so I would run away, far away from that shit!

Best brother

Blondie
Thanks Blondie! Oh yes, it’s absolutely a porn sub, and a lot of stuff on there is literally porn. Staying away.

Creating a plan for tonight. Just finished reading, will walk my dog then make dinner. After that I’ll do some journaling and work on some music! :)
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks @SmokenMirrors and @particularly_respecting

Day 6

Still holding out. It’s been a tough day, suddenly have had more anxiety and feel very tired. I’ve got brain fog, almost like I can’t think or even focus my eyes on anything. Will probably get better, went for a run in the rain and was the highlight of my day when I got going. I know I can only grow if I do these things when it’s hard, not just when it feels good from the start.

I need to look at my values. I wrote about wanting to visit that website, and I can tell myself it’s not really me talking… but then again it is. I mean, there’s something in me that wants to watch that shit. There’s a part of me ingrained in the way I have lived my life for years and years that’s just not letting go.

At the same time I fully believe I will benefit from ridding my life of porn, and I believe it’s absolutely necessary that I do so. I don’t want to live my life like this anymore. I need to take charge, take control, and let myself have the best chance at getting what I can out of being alive. I just get one shot at this life. There’s no going back if I spend another day like this, another week, another month, another year. If I can’t take control now, a year from now I will look back and wonder why I couldn’t do it. Why I needed to watch some fucking camgirl get off on the other end while I sit perfectly alone at home. I’ve been there before! So many times! Did I ever thank myself for watching that stuff? What have I *ever* gotten from it apart from regret and shame?

It’s cognitive dissonance. Believing that porn use is toxic for my very existence, and somehow still having a part of my brain tell me that it’s a great idea to watch it.

It’s not a great idea. It’s not fine. It’s not even remotely acceptable to me, not when I know how much it’s fucking up my life.

So I tell myself no. And I will remind myself tomorrow and however many days it takes to get this shit out of me for good.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
One more thought. Just weeks ago, going 6 days without porn was practically impossible for me. Now it feels like just the start of something bigger.
This is the power of habit growing right before your eyes. So what if it hasn't been a "perfect" ride so far, you're improving week by week and that's all that matters. You'll get this DownHill, just keep on keeping on and definitely figure out those values you mentioned.

An empty lonely screen is no cure for loneliness.

Best.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 7

That’s a week!

Still same brain fog today, working through it. Checking out some podcasts recommended by @particularly_respecting, because I want a way to get information and refresh/check my beliefs on a daily basis.

Right now, it feels like it’s helped quite a bit to write my beliefs and values down, in my previous post. Urges are quite a bit down. If they resurface, I will come back here and remind myself. Also, I think just “saying” what my urges were sort of helps… not repress them, but accept what I was feeling and allowing myself to think about what it meant.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I feel just like you described a couple of days ago... also on Day 7. It's crazy that the general public isn't getting educated about this. We ALL experience these very consistent symtoms yet the main stream conversation (both popular and medical) doesn't really talk about it at all. The brain fog, blue balls, anxiety for some, low libido, etc, etc. We can do this together!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Thanks guys! I’m sticking to it. Had some pretty extreme urges yesterday, but worked through it. Hoping it will get easier!

Good job, downhill! The more we ignore the urges, neither feeding nor fighting them, they will become less and less strong for us.

For quite a few of us, the urges are tied, not just to circumstantial 'triggers' or visual stimuli, but arise from emotional or 'inner' cues. This is just something to know about oneself, to be aware of.
 
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