Still no urges. The thought popped into my head today that P exists, but tried to just notice it and say to myself I don’t want it. If I don’t stop giving in at some point then I will never be rid of it.
Been keeping away from substitutes and triggers of all kinds. Totally cutting out Reddit has helped a lot, because with it out of the picture I’m starting to see how empty the experience of browsing on my phone really is. From news to funny videos to anything I see on those sites, it’s just like P in that it’s not really giving me anything in my actual life.
Of course I like to keep up with what’s going on, but reading news from actual news sites is different - there’s no endless scrolling or infinite novelty. It’s helping me put my phone down and realising that my life is lived by looking at what’s in front of me.
I’m not going to say that I’ve figured everything out, because to be honest, being stuck at home all week with my lovely dog who can’t really go anywhere has lead me to watch a lot of series and play a lot of video games. I could do a lot better, I’m getting there I guess.
That said, I have done some reading, worked out, listened to some music, painted my nightstand and cleaned up around the apartment. Trying to stay connected with what is actually rewarding in my life.
In the "Porn Brain Rewire" podcast, Dr. Trish Leigh mentioned writing out what your ideal week looks like. Or just your ideal day, how you think your day would be if you could change everything right now. I think it's a powerful method of change, because most of our lives are spent just playing out our habits and almost involuntary actions that we are conditioned to do. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Not sure who said that, but it came to mind.
I mean, we aren't really in control of our own actions. It's like we don't really have free will. I don't mean to get into deep waters here, this is a very subjective topic with a lot of different opinions, but I think I'm starting to really believe that. From the moment we are born, we are just thrust into the world without any say in the matter - I was born in Norway, but chances are probably equal I could be someone born in New Zealand. From there you are subject to your parent's opinions and ideals, on things like politics, religion, spirituality, taste in music, which in turn is influenced by the society they live in. We take after our family and friends, and then after other people we look up to later in life. We might rebel and change our minds, but always in relation to the person we were up to that point and always being inspired by someone or some group of people.
Every single thought and opinion we have was put into our heads at some point, everything comes from somewhere, nothing just appears out of nowhere. It's like a musician creating a piece of music - every note, chord progression, rhythm, harmony and sound she uses was inspired by something else, and by arranging those things taking from several different sources can she create something that appears original - nobody just conjures up music without taking inspiration from something else. It's the same with every philosopher and great mind throughout history. We like to give individual people so much credit, but in reality we should be crediting the people around them as well. We are all standing on the shoulders of giants.
I guess what I'm trying to get to here is that our beliefs and actions may not be as voluntary as we like to think. So many people here want to leave porn behind for good, but seem to be stuck in a mode of living where they just can't seem to get away. We are so bound to our habits and ways of thinking, and it seems so hard to change. Myself, I seem to get stuck in a way of life that involves sitting in the couch and watching things that other people created and paid for with sweat and tears, that they worked months or years on. They achieved something, and I'm simply consuming it and letting myself be entertained. For what? Why am I letting my time slip away from me? What am I waiting for?
I think the way to really change is through small changes. The little things we do every day. We can have grand ideas about what we want to be as a person and what our life is supposed to be like, but the truth is that we are living our lives right now. There is no point in getting stuck in past or future. Regretting past mistakes and hating yourself. Conjuring up a fantasy of the life you dream of living some day. Life is right now. It's this moment that is happening in this instant. It's putting on your shoes. Picking up the guitar. Opening a book. Rubbing a dog. It's looking up and noticing the world and waving to your friend across the street. It's being willing to admit that you're scared of something and just doing it anyway.
Life is a gift. The minutes, hours, days and weeks of our lives are never coming back in any way, shape or form. Let's not waste any more time and give it everything we've got!
I'm up late. I've been thinking of starting a new project for the first time in years, it feels like. Previously I have worked on characters, objects, environments and such, mostly for practice in order to work on a game or something some day. But there are so many unfinished projects, and I haven't worked on anything for a long while. I broke up with my ex three years ago and slipped back into porn, it feels like my work just stopped. Started recovery in March, and I can feel my drive to create something again slowly creeping back in. I pretty much just need to sit down and do it at this point, and get going with it.
So now I've been sitting in front of the computer gathering references for an urban environment, and it hit me - I'm on Pinterest, Instagram and Artstation actually looking for these references. Looking at illustrations of buildings and paying attention to the shapes, details, textures and lighting. Previously I would have been just scrolling away at these sites clicking on anything with a cleavage or just a vaguely female form, then looking up more and more nudity at different sites because I just couldn't control my impulses. Damn, it feels great to have regained some control here, to be actually doing something I'm interested in doing instead of wasting my time.
@downhillfromhere awesome efforts to get to day 7. I connect with your writings from yesterday very well. Can't figure out how to quote when typing on mobile but I directly believe the "I think the way to really change is through small changes. The little things we do every day." is so, so very important. Its been what has reinvigorated my recent efforts.
Keep the writings and shares flowing! We're here for you!
Still not having any urges. Expecting they’ll hit me one day soon, and have to be ready for it. Really cutting out some social media is helping a lot I think. It’s a lot harder to reach the conclusion just to have a peek at something when it has to be more of a conscious decision.
I’m making a promise to myself to stay away from MO as for as long as I possibly can. Looking back, I think my relapses start there and build up with mental images, then progressing to looking up vanilla content on social media and finally giving in to P.
Last night I had a sudden mild urge to masturbate, and did for a moment before realising I didn’t want to, and stopped. Have not had another urge since then.
Would really like to get to 90 days. It things stay like they have been the last week, I think I have a good chance of making it!
I’m scared of people, I think. But I don’t really have any reason to be. I’m starting to notice the way I hold back, the way I carry myself and my facial expression are defensive measures I take to not let anybody in. I’m often serious, I take myself too seriously in a way. As if to ward people off, or to prepare for some kind of verbal or physical attack. I think I want to seem tough. I’m really not, I’m just a person like anybody else.
This probably started in school, where I wasn’t directly bullied, but always got a lot of people staring, and it felt like everyone was talking about me behind my back. Combined with really low self esteem, this probably caused me to be this way. I often think of others, especially strangers in a negative way, as if they want bad things for me.
I need to work more on my self confidence, and to just see other people as potential friends instead of enemies.
Congrats on 10 days.
This time counting thing is funny, because when we are indulging in PMO days go by so fast, when you come to realize it we have burned 365 days in a flash. But when we start to reboot they go by so slow. Its all about perspective I think, but sooner than later you will be hitting 90!
Yes! It's strange, because starting recovery has made me think a lot more about making each day count. So in a way I don't really want that number to grow too fast, because in 80 days I will be 80 days older. So I will focus on each day as it arrives, and make the most of it.
My mood is really bad lately. I don't really feel much of anything, and I don't really want to do anything.
Looking back, I see that I was in this state right after my previous relapses as well. Then it gets better, then it might get worse again, then better.