downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thanks, Blondie!
And congratulations to you, you’re an inspiration!
It ends here.
- Thread starter downhillfromhere
- Start date
And congratulations to you, you’re an inspiration!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 19
Feeling pretty good! Still have some feelings of anxiety throughout my body like I do pretty much every day, and wondering whether this is because of the addiction or something else I will have to work on. I'm working out, meditating a little (not nearly enough as I think I should), being mindful of how my body is feeling, and taking cold showers. I hope those things can help in the long run.
I tried masturbating today. Took a shower, cleaned myself and really tried to focus on the sensations and trying to reconnect with my body in a way. Afterwards I progressed to masturbating, and was surprised to experience a pretty full erection that lasted for a fair amount of time - was a strange feeling after not having an erection for almost three weeks.
I'm not sure whether this is healthy or not - I imagined, or rather recalled, what it would be like to have sex, but found it quite difficult. Some images of porn would make their way into the back of my brain, but quickly went away and I don't believe they are what turned me on then and there. Hard to be sure, though. I want to be really careful that I'm not tricking myself and slowing down the rewiring process.
Wondering if anyone else has any experience with this - does this sound like a smart thing to do, or should I wait longer? Of course I would like to try rewiring with an actual person, but it's hard to know when that will happen.
Feeling pretty good! Still have some feelings of anxiety throughout my body like I do pretty much every day, and wondering whether this is because of the addiction or something else I will have to work on. I'm working out, meditating a little (not nearly enough as I think I should), being mindful of how my body is feeling, and taking cold showers. I hope those things can help in the long run.
I tried masturbating today. Took a shower, cleaned myself and really tried to focus on the sensations and trying to reconnect with my body in a way. Afterwards I progressed to masturbating, and was surprised to experience a pretty full erection that lasted for a fair amount of time - was a strange feeling after not having an erection for almost three weeks.
I'm not sure whether this is healthy or not - I imagined, or rather recalled, what it would be like to have sex, but found it quite difficult. Some images of porn would make their way into the back of my brain, but quickly went away and I don't believe they are what turned me on then and there. Hard to be sure, though. I want to be really careful that I'm not tricking myself and slowing down the rewiring process.
Wondering if anyone else has any experience with this - does this sound like a smart thing to do, or should I wait longer? Of course I would like to try rewiring with an actual person, but it's hard to know when that will happen.
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downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 21
Yesterday was pretty tough. Worst day so far, felt more like what the days would often be a couple of years ago when the depression and anxiety was much worse. Not sure why this happened, may have just had a bad day.
Today was a lot better, though, so that was a relief. Still going!
Yesterday was pretty tough. Worst day so far, felt more like what the days would often be a couple of years ago when the depression and anxiety was much worse. Not sure why this happened, may have just had a bad day.
Today was a lot better, though, so that was a relief. Still going!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 25
Still keeping away from porn and all substitutes. Been feeling some more urges these past few days, and trying to notice when I’m being triggered.
Have to admit that I’m kind of missing PMO, I can’t deny that. The act in itself, not all the negative aspects around it. But I know it’s an illusion, and I won’t give in to these urges. I still want it out of my life, because it’s clear that I can’t function normally with it.
I want to move on to a different chapter - I want to feel joy in everyday life, feel something for other people, get out of my own head. This feels like it’s good for me, and it’s becoming more and more clear.
Successful MO today, and first O in 25 days. Took a bit of time, so I think it’s probably good for me to wait a couple of weeks before trying again. Will be visiting family for Easter, so keeping my thoughts on other things should be a breeze!
Still keeping away from porn and all substitutes. Been feeling some more urges these past few days, and trying to notice when I’m being triggered.
Have to admit that I’m kind of missing PMO, I can’t deny that. The act in itself, not all the negative aspects around it. But I know it’s an illusion, and I won’t give in to these urges. I still want it out of my life, because it’s clear that I can’t function normally with it.
I want to move on to a different chapter - I want to feel joy in everyday life, feel something for other people, get out of my own head. This feels like it’s good for me, and it’s becoming more and more clear.
Successful MO today, and first O in 25 days. Took a bit of time, so I think it’s probably good for me to wait a couple of weeks before trying again. Will be visiting family for Easter, so keeping my thoughts on other things should be a breeze!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 26
Just checking in!
Just checking in!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 27
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 31
Still going. Had a couple of days where I masturbated, and kind of felt like I was "cured". I'm not. the past three days I've not felt any desire to masturbate, although I'm starting to get random semi erections while doing everyday stuff.
Anxiety is pretty high right now - some clenching and hands are shaking a little. Have not been getting enough sleep because of a neighbour who is up all night, so hoping some of the negative stuff is because of that. Sleep is incredibly important.
Making sure to work out and go for a run every few days. Keeping busy with music... but I have been watching a fair bit of Youtube etc after work and I'm really trying to cut back on that.
So...
I stumbled upon some very triggering content on Reddit today, and will admit to clicking on a link I should not have clicked on. I realized what I was doing, and was out of there within two minutes or so. Still, this is not good - I let my guard down here, and I gave in. I know a little bit is already too far, so I'm going to have to be extremely careful right now. I don't want to go back, and I need this period of time to heal, no matter how many months it's going to take.
Did not restart my counter since there was no arousal or masturbation happening. Do you guys agree with this, or am I kidding myself?
Still going. Had a couple of days where I masturbated, and kind of felt like I was "cured". I'm not. the past three days I've not felt any desire to masturbate, although I'm starting to get random semi erections while doing everyday stuff.
Anxiety is pretty high right now - some clenching and hands are shaking a little. Have not been getting enough sleep because of a neighbour who is up all night, so hoping some of the negative stuff is because of that. Sleep is incredibly important.
Making sure to work out and go for a run every few days. Keeping busy with music... but I have been watching a fair bit of Youtube etc after work and I'm really trying to cut back on that.
So...
I stumbled upon some very triggering content on Reddit today, and will admit to clicking on a link I should not have clicked on. I realized what I was doing, and was out of there within two minutes or so. Still, this is not good - I let my guard down here, and I gave in. I know a little bit is already too far, so I'm going to have to be extremely careful right now. I don't want to go back, and I need this period of time to heal, no matter how many months it's going to take.
Did not restart my counter since there was no arousal or masturbation happening. Do you guys agree with this, or am I kidding myself?
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particularly_respecting
Active Member
Great work getting to day 31
Personally, no, if it were me I would not reset my counter for that
In fact I take it as a positive sign that you realized the danger and clicked off
Keep up the momentum - I'm rooting for you!
Personally, no, if it were me I would not reset my counter for that
In fact I take it as a positive sign that you realized the danger and clicked off
Keep up the momentum - I'm rooting for you!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thank you, that's good to hear.Great work getting to day 31
Personally, no, if it were me I would not reset my counter for that
In fact I take it as a positive sign that you realized the danger and clicked off
Keep up the momentum - I'm rooting for you!
I can feel it getting harder to resist the urges, I need to be careful not to think I can control myself and just "look a little".Day 33
There's not much new to report. The positive mental effects I noticed after quitting PMO have faded slightly, but I'm not sure if I'm just becoming more used to things being a little bit better than they used to be.
Anxiety is still pretty noticeable, but going up and down every day. Feeling really lonely at times, but I'm keeping the feeling at bay. Feels like I'm flatlining, and I'm turning to social media a lot - I need to keep working on getting that habit under control.
Still looking forward to seeing how things will progress!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 38
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 39
searching4good
Active Member
39 days is absolutely amazing - I've just read through the whole thread and you've been making some really inspiring progress. Keep going - hopefully it's good to know that it's also giving guys like me an awful lot of hope that I can get to these milestones too.
Ps I also definitely don't think you should restart your counter for that link... What an achievement that you didn't let it lead further.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thanks for the kind words! I have been struggling a bit the last few days, with a lot of urges and looking at some things I should not have - again. It got easier after that first time, and I thought that another look wouldn’t hurt. But it is definitely hurting me, and I think falling for it again is going to lead to a relapse if I don’t stop it now.
That said, there is something that has changed in me, and I can clearly feel and keep in mind what is actually good for me.
I have deleted a social media app to try control the part of me that keeps craving novelty - even if that content is news, politics, funny videos etc. It’s just something I want out of my life.
There is so much time spent scrolling through endless pages of things I am not experiencing myself or seeing with my own eyes. No more.
This is day 42!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 43
I'm writing now just basically to say that I'm lonely. I just need to say it. Spring is here, everyone is outside enjoying themselves, and I went straight home from work because I didn't have anyone to hang out and do something with today. I pretty much exclusively socialize with people from work, and most of them have families and kids. I'm halfway through my thirties, have been single for years, and it feels like I haven't received so much as a glance from any girl the past few years.
It may be the addiction that is messing with my head. Maybe there have been many who were interested, but I was too desensitized to notice. I also haven't made much of an effort to attract anyone - I'm quick to look away and avoid eye contact, especially if there's someone I find attractive.
It's just frustrating, that's all. I have really been taking care of myself the past couple of years - I started working out, lifting weights, eating right, going for runs, getting regular haircuts, started dressing better and have been paying close attention to my personal hygiene. And I'm working on accepting that I am in fact a desirable person. I think my appearance is perfectly fine, I could even imagine a beautiful young woman around 30 might find me attractive. I have a steady, creative job. I love music and I play the drums, I sing and play guitar sometimes. I'm quite outgoing and like to go on hikes with my dog.
Despite all of this, I just don't see any interest from anyone. Every girl at work is in a serious relationship. I'm always met with such coldness whenever I pass anyone on the street or anywhere else - and I take great care not to stare and let people go about their day. I pretty much never meet anyone new, there's no arena for it. Every time I go out with people from work, we are a close group and I would be the last person to engage with anyone outside of us because I'm so incredibly wary of anyone I don't know.
This is a lot of off topic stuff, I know. I just needed to say it. And when I've got it all down like this, I know what I need to do about it. I need to show up at places where people meet. Classes, events, concerts and so on. Somewhere where you have an excuse to start talking to someone, where you already have at least one thing in common. And I need to show up at these places not just because I want to meet someone - because it would feel so forced and I would be so incredibly nervous and not enjoy myself.
No, I need to keep working on myself, and I need to get out and do things for my own sake, to have fun and experience life. And if I happen to meet someone, well... I really hope I do.
---
Back to the topic of addiction, I'm still in the belief that continuing this whole process will help me along through life more easily. I hope my social anxiety will be eased, and I hope I can start to see women as more than just an object of my desire. I also believe that I will gravitate towards living my life more in the company of other people, that I will want to go out more as a direct result of balancing my dopamine and reward system.
Right now I have an immense desire to seek intimacy through porn. There are certain types of content that I previously would search for that would provide the illusion of intimacy with someone. And I'm genuinely fighting myself right now, because my brain is trying to rationalize looking up that stuff. It's saying "I feel lonely today, and nobody is showing interest, therefore I should be able to watch some porn to feel better. To feel less lonely."
But the fact is that I'm going to feel more lonely if I do it. I'm going to feel like I walked back on all the work I've been doing to get rid of this addiction. I guess that's why I'm here writing a pretty long post, just trying to get through it.
Tomorrow, I want to be able to come back here and post this: "Day 44".
I'm writing now just basically to say that I'm lonely. I just need to say it. Spring is here, everyone is outside enjoying themselves, and I went straight home from work because I didn't have anyone to hang out and do something with today. I pretty much exclusively socialize with people from work, and most of them have families and kids. I'm halfway through my thirties, have been single for years, and it feels like I haven't received so much as a glance from any girl the past few years.
It may be the addiction that is messing with my head. Maybe there have been many who were interested, but I was too desensitized to notice. I also haven't made much of an effort to attract anyone - I'm quick to look away and avoid eye contact, especially if there's someone I find attractive.
It's just frustrating, that's all. I have really been taking care of myself the past couple of years - I started working out, lifting weights, eating right, going for runs, getting regular haircuts, started dressing better and have been paying close attention to my personal hygiene. And I'm working on accepting that I am in fact a desirable person. I think my appearance is perfectly fine, I could even imagine a beautiful young woman around 30 might find me attractive. I have a steady, creative job. I love music and I play the drums, I sing and play guitar sometimes. I'm quite outgoing and like to go on hikes with my dog.
Despite all of this, I just don't see any interest from anyone. Every girl at work is in a serious relationship. I'm always met with such coldness whenever I pass anyone on the street or anywhere else - and I take great care not to stare and let people go about their day. I pretty much never meet anyone new, there's no arena for it. Every time I go out with people from work, we are a close group and I would be the last person to engage with anyone outside of us because I'm so incredibly wary of anyone I don't know.
This is a lot of off topic stuff, I know. I just needed to say it. And when I've got it all down like this, I know what I need to do about it. I need to show up at places where people meet. Classes, events, concerts and so on. Somewhere where you have an excuse to start talking to someone, where you already have at least one thing in common. And I need to show up at these places not just because I want to meet someone - because it would feel so forced and I would be so incredibly nervous and not enjoy myself.
No, I need to keep working on myself, and I need to get out and do things for my own sake, to have fun and experience life. And if I happen to meet someone, well... I really hope I do.
---
Back to the topic of addiction, I'm still in the belief that continuing this whole process will help me along through life more easily. I hope my social anxiety will be eased, and I hope I can start to see women as more than just an object of my desire. I also believe that I will gravitate towards living my life more in the company of other people, that I will want to go out more as a direct result of balancing my dopamine and reward system.
Right now I have an immense desire to seek intimacy through porn. There are certain types of content that I previously would search for that would provide the illusion of intimacy with someone. And I'm genuinely fighting myself right now, because my brain is trying to rationalize looking up that stuff. It's saying "I feel lonely today, and nobody is showing interest, therefore I should be able to watch some porn to feel better. To feel less lonely."
But the fact is that I'm going to feel more lonely if I do it. I'm going to feel like I walked back on all the work I've been doing to get rid of this addiction. I guess that's why I'm here writing a pretty long post, just trying to get through it.
Tomorrow, I want to be able to come back here and post this: "Day 44".
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thanks, Blondie
No, this stuff is very much 'on topic', because much of our former behaviors were misguided ways of trying to soothe or solve these deeper needs. But, getting into PMO only clouded our thinking and feeling about all this... So, once we get the bad habit of PMO out of the way, we can think clearer to solve our relationship and loneliness issues.
Very inspiring, downhill.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Can't wait to come back here tomorrow and see your "Day 44" post
You got this!Regarding the loneliness thing - yes it's tough
I'm married now but I lived by myself for many years so I know that feeling
Kind of cliche but have you tried meetup or any equivalent where you are?
Regarding dating - how about dating apps?
People have mixed opinions on them
But they have one major benefit - the relationship is clear from the start
No need to try to convince a woman to go from friends/coworker/acquaintance to a romantic relationship, etc.
From the start you both know why you are there
Just a thought - I know people have different opinions on these apps, so maybe it's not for you
Thank you also for your recent support - really appreciate it and has helped a lot
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 44 and now Day 45!
Thanks so much for your comments and support! I will update more later, just checking in before work
Thanks so much for your comments and support! I will update more later, just checking in before work