@Ezel, thanks for the support!
@WinkTinkTillium, that makes sense. I do want to get to a place where I don’t really have to think about this at all, but still not letting in the bad behaviours like you say, not getting those bad habits back. Thanks!
Quick rant below, I guess I have some thoughts today after all.
Coming home today I had a feeling that was sort of like… what am I even doing here? At home, I mean. I want to be out there, but I don’t even know where to go. The closer I get to my door, the more isolated I start feeling. And if I’m going to spend all night at home, I should at least be doing something constructive.
Maybe this is the curse of having that steady 9-5 job. I mean, I’m thrilled to have that security and steady income, but it sort of takes something out of you at the end of the day. I don’t know if I’m procrastinating or if it’s totally justified to just slump down in a couch at the end of a work day.
I’m thinking - hoping - that all the thoughts I’m having are emerging because I’m not letting myself be medicated by porn. I used to be excited to come home - because of porn. I used it to shove away all the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, when life felt pointless or directionless. Now I can’t do that anymore. Now I just sit down in front of YouTube, and it’s becoming clearer to me what I’m doing in my life. Now I can really see how unhappy I have been, and what living this way has been doing to me.
I should look at the positives. I do have some events and other things happening now and then with coworkers. And there is nothing in the way of me seeking out a community somewhere, like starting a class in something, anything really. I can just never decide what to do, maybe I just need to pick something and get going.
Another important thing for me to do is to watch my behaviour at home, to stop spending so much time being entertained. In the same way porn overstimulates, stuff like YouTube and video games can have the same effect. If I’m in a flatline, I have to believe it might be partly because of the way I’ve been passively consuming mindless things. Instead of going straight for stuff like that, I can choose to: read - listen to music - play the guitar - work out - go for a run - do chores etc.
Yesterday I had a feeling emerge - I was just watching a movie I think, and that feeling like butterflies in my stomach appeared. I used to get that all the time, right before deciding to watch porn. It was like a physical cue, maybe it’s actually the dopamine getting released. This time though, I was thinking that I should work on something on the computer and have a cup of tea, and put some music on. It’s a small thing, but a really good sign I think.
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